"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL US ABOUT THOSE DEAD CREATURES!" Navi screamed, turning a light shade of red.
Our heroes were still outside the grave where you get the sun song. Cheyenne and Stephanie were sitting around the Triforce symbol, just staring blankly at the talking firefly known as Navi. Sage and Linda were trying their best to tolerate Navi complaining while Link was lying on the floor almost dead.
"You honestly went into a grave not expecting to see dead things?" Sage asked irritably.
"I WASN'T EXPECTING THEM TO ATTACK US!" Navi screamed.
"Well, maybe you should have thought of that before going in there." Linda said.
"YOU WERE THE ONES THAT WANTED US TO GO GET THAT DAMN SONG!"
"Speaking of which, did you get it?" Sage asked.
"YES, NO THANKS TO YOU!"
"Okay first of all, I told you where it was so that is something you should thank me for and second, stop shouting so much because you'll eventually get an ulcer." Sage stated.
"And then we'd have to kill you." Linda added.
"Guys . . ." Link coughed, "if you haven't noticed . . . I need medical attention."
"Oh yeah, Links' health should be our first priority." Navi stated rather calmly.
"Sure as hell didn't seem like it a second ago." Linda muttered.
"I think the only medical attention you're going to get in Kakariko is a red potion from the potion shop." Sage said.
"What about the fairy fountain in one of these graves?" Linda suggested.
"We'll need bombs to get to it though." Sage stated.
"But if we find a crack in the wall big enough for you to fit in we could just have you bring a fairy to Link." Linda said.
"That's true." Sage agreed.
"What are you two morons talking about?" Navi asked.
"You'll see when we get there." Sage and Linda said.
Our furry friends and Navi drag Link around the graveyard for almost thirty minutes until they finally come to the grave they were looking for.
"How do you know this is the right one?" Sage asked Linda.
"Because it's the only one that has these three flower things in front of it." Linda answered.
"But in the game there were some other graves that had flowers in front of them too." Sage pointed out.
"Just shut up and push the grave." Linda commanded.
After another ten minutes they finally moved the grave off the hole in the ground. After some protests from Navi, Cheyenne and Stephanie they were jumping down the hole one by one. Inside, the walls and ceiling were just dirt and rock, but the ground was stone and even had a few steps leading to an unopened treasure chest. Sage and Linda run pass the chest and inspect the wall behind it.
"What are you doing?" Navi asked irritably. Cheyenne and Stephanie help Link to the stone steps and help him sit down, "There's nothing but a chest in here; we need to get Link back to the village!"
Sage and Linda ignore Navi and keep searching for a crack in the wall. When they find one, Sage squirms her way through then Linda shoves the empty bottle she took from Anju inside and pushes it as far as she can. On the other side, Sage pulls the bottle out of the hole and rolls it to the fairy fountain. Upon entering the fairy fountain, she hears singing and squeaky laughter. The fairies are flying around and singing the "Great Fairy Fountain" tune while laughing and playing. When they notice Sage they scream with disgust and hide from the strange rat.
Sage sighs in annoyance, "Guess I should've saw this coming." She pops the cork out of the bottle and places the bottle beside her.
"I think fairies are nothing but pieces of shit! They're all annoying and they smell bad too! If I had a dime for every time a fairy said something intelligent, I'd have a total of negative one dimes! In Peter Pan, I was hoping Wendy would've stayed a nonbeliever so Tinkerbell didn't live! And you know what? That so called Great fairy of yours is nothing but a cheap, slutty, vine wearing, nappy headed HOE!"
Just then, all of the fairies came out of hiding and charged at Sage. She grabbed the bottle and held on tight. One fairy, who was unfortunately faster and dumber than the others, didn't notice Sage holding the bottle and flew right in to it with amazing speed; causing Sage and her to fly back a few feet. Sage, who landed on her back, popped the cork back on the bottle with the fairy inside and ran for her life as the other fairies charged after her.
*On the other side*
The others have been waiting for a good ten minutes, which gave Cheyenne and Stephanie plenty of time to introduce themselves to Link and Navi. Linda was sitting against the wall next to the hole waiting for Sage to come through, Link was leaning against the unopened chest waiting for something to come heal him, and Navi was talking to Cheyenne and Stephanie waiting for a prince on a horse to come take her away to some fairytale that doesn't piss her off.
"How come you two seem a hell of a lot more polite than those other two idiots?" Navi asked.
"If they knew you they'd act the same; and just so you know, there's no way a prince on a horse would come and save your ass." Linda said.
"Oh shut up! It was the damn authoress who wrote that, not me!" Navi argued.
"Yeah, and I like to stick crackers up my ass just for fun." Linda mocked.
Navi just scowled "I can't believe you were friends with them for almost five years. How did you happen upon these idiots?" She asked Cheyenne and Stephanie.
"Well I met Linda some time in middle school, and believe it or not Sage lives with me." Cheyenne said.
"She lives with you? That means you have to put up with her idiocy all day every day! " Navi shouted with astonishment.
"What's middle school?" Link asked.
"Something you'll never have to worry about." Linda said.
"Well what about you, how do you know them?" Navi asked Stephanie.
"I met them both in middle school. Linda slipped and threw her tray of food at my face, Sage I met while she was arguing with a wall." Stephanie replied.
"Sounds like the beginning of a perfect friendship." Navi said dully.
"More or less." Cheyenne said.
They hear a weird clinking sound and Linda looked at the hole; one end of the bottle was sticking out. She goes to pull it out when the bottle flies out and smashes into her gut with Sage flying through right after it. Linda had the wind knocked out of her while Sage was lying on the floor out of breath.
"What the hell?" Cheyenne said in surprise.
"I," Sage inhales, "got the fairy." She pushes the bottle towards Link. They all give it one last glance before looking back at Sage.
"Again, what the hell?" Cheyenne asked Sage.
"I got the fairy, that's all that matters." Sage responded.
Link grabbed the bottle and twisted off the cork. The fairy reluctantly circled him while groaning and mumbling words of hate about them. Link watched as all the bumps and bruises magically disappeared and when the fairy was done he thanked her. She just flipped them all off and flew away.
"The creatures here are very rude." Stephanie said.
"Trust me, we fairy folk only act that way when offended, I know for a fact that stupid rat had something to do with it." Navi said.
"Hey, Link is healed isn't he?" Sage argued.
"But you-"
"Guys please; we have more important things to do." Link interrupted.
"But since we're here, why don't you open the chest Link?" Linda suggested motioning towards said chest.
"Whatever's inside is not going to attack me, right?" Link asked while extending his arms toward the chest.
"Eh, just depends." Linda said.
"On what?" Link asks suspiciously just seconds away from lifting the top of the chest.
"If you have flesh or not." Linda teased. Link backs away from the chest in a panic.
"There's no monsters in there just open it god damn it!" Sage yelled.
Link lifts the top of the chest and brings out a shiny new Hylian shield. He stares at it, acknowledging its beauty until Navi comes over and ruins it for him.
"Yeah it's a shield, can we go now?" She asks.
"Um, sure." Link says a little disappointed.
"Always a buzz kill." Linda said while rolling her eyes.
They leave the graveyard and wander around Kakariko until they happen upon some sort of restaurant. Since it's been a long while since they've eaten they decide to head in. It wasn't a big restaurant; there were simple wooden tables around the room, some table booths against two walls that were parallel to each other, and a small bar with bar stools at the back of the restaurant. The group sat down at a table booth close to them so the animals could hide underneath. A waitress spots the new customer and goes by to give Link a menu.
"Welcome to Intestinal Payne, can I get you anything to drink?" The waitress asked politely.
Link looks at the waitress questionably before answering, "I'll just have some water."
"All right, I'll be right back." She said as she was walking away.
"Did she just say Intestinal Pain?" Cheyenne asked from under the table.
"I'm afraid so." Sage answered.
"I could care less what the restaurant is called, I'm starving." Linda said.
"When are you not?" Navi said irritably.
"Be quiet guys, the waiter's coming." Link muttered loud enough for them to hear.
The waitress sets the glass of water on the table, "The correct term is waitress thank you, and I can see your animal friends under the table; the fluffy raccoon and really white duck gave it away."
"Just because I'm white she thinks I don't blend into the shadows." Steph complained amongst the animals.
"You don't." Sage replied.
Link scratches the back of his head and smiles nervously at the waitress, "Oh, so you noticed?"
"Just so you know it's not fur that makes the raccoon look fluffy." Navi commented.
"You calling me fat?" Linda asked irritably.
"I've been calling you fat since day one." Navi responded.
The waitress stares at Navi irritably then looks down at Link, "You're just full of random creatures aren't you?"
"Um . . ." Link started.
"Look, if your friends don't start a riot I honestly don't care what you do with them." She started.
"Oh, well thank-"
"Just know that you'll have to pay for their meals as well and if any damage is done to the restaurant it's coming out of your wallet." The waitress said with a smirk.
"Oh, right." Link said with a nervous smile.
"Four more waters coming up." The waitress said with a smile before she walks off.
"Now that that's settled, give me the menu." Linda said while jumping into the booth next to Link.
"I just thought about it but what if we don't have enough money to pay for the meal?" Link asked.
"I have five rupees." Linda said, pulling said rupees out of her tail.
Link pulls out his wallet and dumps what money he has in there on the table, "twenty-three rupees."
"That doesn't seem too bad. How much does food cost around here?" Navi asked.
They all look at the menu then widen their eyes in disbelief.
"How come all the main course meals on this menu are twenty rupees?" Sage asked irritably.
"Not to mention the main course meals they're serving are only Steak, Pigs' feet, and grilled cuccoo!" Navi screamed.
"That's not true, they also serve salad." Linda pointed out.
"Yeah, but it's for the same price as the meat they're serving! Plus you have to buy dressing separately for five rupees." Cheyenne said.
"And whose idea was it to sell water for three rupees?" Steph asked irritably.
"That damn waitress, she was only okay with serving us animals for our nonexistent money!" Sage said angrily.
"Unfortunately for her, the only thing we'll be able to afford is our waters." Link pointed out.
"Shit! We should've hid better. This is all Linda and Stephanie's fault!" Sage said.
"Blame Stephanie, she's white." Linda said, pointing to Stephanie.
"It's nobody's fault we don't have enough money to eat." Link said with a sigh.
"I hope you're not expecting us to just give you food." The waitress said while holding a tray with glasses of water on it.
"At this rate you won't have to, all we can afford is the water you're setting down on the table." Sage argued.
The waitress looked at Sage in bewilderment, "I've never seen a talking rat before."
"Got a problem with that?" Sage asked, obviously pissed.
"I *hic* got a problem! *hic*"
They all turned the direction the voice was coming from. It was that drunken hobo from the Hyrule castle garden they met a few days ago.
"Hey, it's the crazy drunk hobo guy! What's up man?" Linda shouted.
"Sir, please go back to the bar area. The front of the restaurant is for family oriented customers until eight o clock at night." The waitress told the drunk.
"S-it's okay, *hic* my horse is outside." He said, pointing to the front door, "I, I-I, we *hic* want some Cuccoo." He motioned to Link and the animals then sat down across from Link. He rummaged through his pockets then pulled a gold rupee out and dropped it on the table, "Keep the change*hic*." They all just stare at the rupee in amazement.
"Um . . . Cuccoo for everyone it is." The waitress said before taking the gold rupee and running towards the back to the kitchen.
Link was the first to snap out of his reverie, "Sir, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say we're grateful, but we can't accept this."
"Nonsense, *hic* s-it's on me." The drunk replied.
"I know, but it just-" Link started, but the drunk man waved a hand in front of Links' face.
"When I was little *hic* and when I say little, I mean little *hic* diapers and everything. Fell in love with this girl *hic* who was a total bitch, and when I say bitch-"
"You mean she was a total bitch?" Navi asked mockingly.
"No *hic* why would you assume I was going to call her a bitch? That's *hic* just rude, so rude. *hic* I was going to call her a mega bitch *hic*" The drunk replied. Navi rolled her eyes, "But anyway, what was I talking about again? *hic*" The drunk continued, sort of.
"Um . . . your mega bitch of a love interest?" Sage suggested.
"Oh, right, right, *hic* so what I mean to say is, just accept the food." The drunk said while waving one hand around.
"Um . . . Sure." Link said not wanting to continue the pointless argument.
"I gotta *hic* get more beer." The drunk said as he staggered out of the booth and headed towards the bar.
"He seems nice." Cheyenne commented.
"One of the nicer drunks I've ever met." Steph said.
"I think he's an idiot." Navi Said.
They suddenly hear a loud whistle in the distance and a whole swarm of soldiers come and dog pile on the drunken hobo.
"I'll turn your babies into cockroaches!" The drunken hobo screamed.
"This seems all too familiar." Linda said.
"Yeah . . ." Sage and Link agreed.
"Okay critters, here's your food." The waitress says as she places a plate in front of Link then throws the rest under the table.
"Hey!" The animals said in disapproval.
"If my boss sees a bunch of animals eating at this restaurant I'll lose my job and you'll be kicked out! Just be happy you have something. Now don't leave a mess!" The waitress says before walking away.
"She's paid a gold rupee and this is the service we get?" Sage complained.
"Sorry guys." Link said while cutting into his freshly made cuccoo.
"Easy for you to say." Cheyenne said irritably.
"I'm fine with it." Linda said while picking off a cuccoo leg and nibbling on it.
"I'm not eating this." Stephanie said with disgust.
"Why, afraid you'll become a cannibal?" Linda asked.
"I'm a duck not a chicken!" Stephanie yelled.
"The correct term is cuccoo." Linda corrected after licking her fingers.
"Whatever it is I'm not eating it off the floor!"
"I say we get that gold rupee back." Sage suggested while nibbling on a piece of cuccoo.
"Just shut up and eat already!" Navi shouted.
After finishing their meal, but leaving a good mess behind for the waitress, our heroes head out in search for clues to where the spiritual stones are; even though Sage and Linda already know where to go. They're walking up a set of stairs when they suddenly hear an explosion and some distraught screams. They all glance at each other before running towards the direction the sound came from. When they get there they see three muscular men arguing with a soldier in front of a pile of stone and metal rubble. Within the three men, one had a buzz cut, another had a mullet, and the last had a small curly fro.
"How could you blow up the gate, what if those monsters come down from the mountain and attack the village people?" The angry Soldier screamed.
The muscular man with the buzz cut put his hands up in defense with a smirk on his face, "Look pal, one of my buddies here didn't have a good grip on our cargo and dropped some of it, that's all." He replied.
"And is your buddy going to fix this gate before the village is attacked, and what in the world are you doing with bombs around civilians?" the soldier argued.
"Yeah, we'll tell you later pal, we've got urgent business to do." The man said as he and his buddies waved good bye and headed up Death Mountain trail with a big brown bag slung over each of their shoulders.
"Link, I think if we follow those guys up the trail we'll find what we're looking for." Linda said.
"What makes you say that?" Link asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Raccoon senses." She responded with a smile.
"Well alright then, I guess."
"Link, don't just go along with whatever these stupid animals say!" Navi argued.
"I resent that." Stephanie said.
"It's not like we have anything else to go on." Link pointed out and Navi sighed.
The group sneaks passed the soldier kicking and shouting at the rubble he's standing in and runs after those three muscular men. When the group catches up to them they're finishing off one of those Tektite creatures with a small bomb and laughing hysterically.
"Um . . . Hello!" Link shouted, running up to them.
The three men turn towards Link and frown, "What's a little brat like you doing wandering around Death Mountain?" The buzz cut guy who was speaking to the soldier earlier asked.
"We were hoping you could tell us about the spiritual stones; if you knew anything about them that is." Link said as politely as possible.
"First of all, who's we?" The muscular man with the mullet asked.
"Um . . . My friends and Me." Link said, motioning towards his furry friends on the ground.
The three men look down at Links' companions and burst out laughing.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Buzz cut guy said.
"This kid's got himself some little woodland friends!" Mullet man laughed.
"Next you're going to tell me that you're on some kind of quest to save Hyrule!" Buzz cut guy said and the three men laugh louder.
"And what if he is?" Linda asked irritably.
"It talks!" Buzz cut guy laughed. By this time the three men were on the floor with tears in their eyes.
Navi scowls, "Let's just keep going ahead, these bastards aren't going to help us."
"For once, I agree with you." Sage said.
Our heroes step around the laughing men and head up the trail with a scowl. It was when they passed the blocked Dodongo's cavern that they heard the three men shouting to grab their attention again.
"Those bastards don't know when to give up, do they?" Cheyenne scoffed.
"Most assholes don't." Linda replied.
"Maybe they'll actually help us this time." Link said.
"I'm not sure I want their help." Navi said.
"Me neither." The animals said in unison.
"Why'd you guys run off like that?" Mullet guy asked as they caught up to our heroes.
"Because you guys are assholes!" The girls shouted.
Buzz cut guy raised his hands in defense again, "Calm down now, we didn't mean any harm; it was just a joke."
"Didn't sound like a joke to me" Stephanie muttered.
Buzz cut guy smirks, "Well let me introduce you to the gang, I'm Damian; this is my brother Ted," motions to curly fro guy, "and my cousin Ralph." Motions to mullet guy and they both wave hello, "we call ourselves the 'Bomb Brothers'."
"What business do you bomb brothers have here?" Navi asked.
"Before we answer that, I think it's only polite to introduce yourselves as well." Damian said and Navi huffed.
"I'm Link and this is my fairy, Navi." Link said while nodding towards Navi.
"Yeah, hi." Navi muttered.
"These are the animals I'm helping." Link said while motioning to said animals.
"I'm Linda, kiss my ass."
"Stephanie, my friends call me Steph, but I prefer you to call me 'Miss Stephanie'."
"Sage, and I prefer you not call me at all."
"I'm Cheyenne . . . Sorry, my introduction's kind of lame."
"Lovely friends you got here." Damian said unenthusiastically.
"Are you going to answer my question now?" Navi asked.
"Oh yeah, Um . . . we were sent here by a client who we're not allowed to name." Damian said.
"Why?" Link asked.
"To demolish the Goron civilization living around here." Ralph replied.
"What!" Sage and Linda scream.
"Don't ask, we don't get any information from whoever gives us a job; we just do it and get paid." Damian said.
"You can't demolish the Goron civilization, what if you set off the volcano?" Linda asked.
"That volcano has been inactive for almost fifty years, there's nothing for you to worry about." Ralph said while picking his ear.
"How would you feel if someone demolished your home?" Stephanie asked.
"Look, we'd like to stand here and chat but we've got work to do. Now I remember you asking about them spiritual bricks, correct?" Damian asked and Link nodded, "Well I heard that these Goron folk have a little thing that they call the 'Goron's Ruby' and it's a pretty special thing. I also heard that some gruesome red head came here and blocked off their food supply until they handed it over to him."
"Do you know what happened to their food supply?" Link asked.
Damian nodded over to the huge boulder blocking Dodongo's cavern, "Like I said, it was blocked off. I don't know about you, but that sounds like something to look into."
"What's the point if you're just going to demolish their civilization anyway?" Stephanie asked.
"You're the ones asking about the spiral bags, not us. I'm just saying that the Goron's Ruby sounds important and might be what you're looking for." Damian replied.
"Then are you willing to give us a few days to investigate this place before blowing it up?" Sage asked.
Damian thought for a minute, "Two days is all I'm giving you." he answered.
"If you go back on your word at any minute-" Navi started before Damian cut her off.
"Relax my friend; you can trust the Bomb Brothers," Damian said before outstretching his hand to Link for a handshake, "Let's shake on it."
Link studies Damian's face before reluctantly bringing his hand up and shaking his hand, "Okay, we'll trust you."
"Not completely." The animals muttered.
"Good, now if you keep following this trail you'll eventually reach the Goron city where the Ruby is supposed to be. Talk to their leader, he might help you." Damian instructed.
"All right, and thank you guys." Link said before waving good bye and heading up the trail.
"See you in two days Bomb Brothers." Sage said, eyeing them suspiciously before following the group up the mountain.
"Are you sure we can trust that kid and his pets?" Ralph asked when the group wasn't in hearing distance.
"We'll just have them do the hard work before stepping in and taking the prize for ourselves." Damian responded while pulling out a cigar, "For now, we relax and wait."
Another chapter over and done with, HUZZAH!
EDITOR GET EDITING!