"Why are we here again?" Stephanie asked for about the fiftieth time.
Linda sighs "Because we need to get Saria's Song." she answered for about the fiftieth time.
*What you missed . . . and what I didn't want to write out in detail*
After getting yelled at by Darunia, the leader of the Goron tribe . . . or whatever, Sage and Linda, the game guides, remember that they need Saria's song. Not only that but they realize they don't have a lot of time to travel across Hyrule and through the lost woods just to get said song. So they decide to go through the secret entrance in Goron City leading to the lost woods. They climbed over the boulders blocking the secret entrance and have been wandering around lost woods for a good thirty minutes now.
*That about sums it up*
They finally come to the maze leading to the Sacred Forest Meadow, but the entrance to the maze was blocked off by metal bars. They go towards the blocked entrance, but then a wolfos digs out from the ground and attacks them. The five girls just stand back and watch as Link fights the beast all by himself.
Navi yawns, "I don't understand, why do we need Saria's song again?" She asks.
"To make that stupid bastard Darunia happy." Sage said in annoyance.
"I thought he didn't want to see our faces ever again." Cheyenne said.
"Yeah, but I'm sure he didn't mean it." Linda said.
"Okay, but I don't want to hear you complaining when he turns you in to a coonskin cap because you decided to play campfire songs." Navi warned.
"Oh that's not nice." Linda said while giving Navi a disappointed look.
They hear the wolfos cry in agony as Link delivers the final blow and watch as it turns to dust. The metal bars disappear and they enter the maze.
"Ptooie!"
"OW!" Link winced and clutched his right ear in pain, "What the hell?"
"Link, watch your mouth!" Navi nagged.
"Like you're one to talk." Sage mumbled to herself.
"It's not my fault, someone threw something at me." Link told Navi.
"More like spit something at you," Linda stated as she pointed towards a nearby deku scrub, "here comes another one!"
"Ptooie!"
"Could it sound anymore gay? I feel like we're being attacked by Richard Simmons dead azaleas here!" Sage shouted. Link brought out his shield then motions for everyone to hide behind him.
"Honestly speaking, I think Richard Simmons is more of a cornflower type." Linda stated.
"Did you say the coast was clear?" Link asked as he poked his head over the shield and unfortunately got pelted in the face with a deku nut, "Ow, son of a bitch!" he cried while rubbing his forehead.
"I'm starting to think we are a bad example for him." Cheyenne said.
"I blame Sage and Linda." Stephanie said.
"Kiss my ass." Linda responded.
"Exactly." Stephanie said.
"I'm more worried about Links' ability to hear." Sage said.
Finally one of the deku nuts bounce off Links' shield and hits the deku scrub. It jumps out of its flower thing and runs around like a manic. Our heroes take this opportunity to run pass the crazy creature and continue through the maze. After three similar situations and two bruises later they're finally heading up the stairs to the sacred forest meadow where Saria is. When they get there they see Saria sitting on a tree stump playing her ocarina. She stops playing and looks up at Link as she hears them approach her.
"Link, it's been a while since we last met!" Saria said with excitement.
"It hasn't even been a week." Linda said with a bit of scorn.
Saria looks down at the animals "Oh, I see you've made some new friends."
"Yeah, I'm helping them and they're helping me. As a matter of fact, they told me the song you know would help me a lot." Link responded.
"My song?" Saria asked.
"Yeah, I would really appreciate it if you taught it to me, please." Link said expectantly.
"Well of course I'll teach it to you; you're my best friend after all." Saria said as she brought her ocarina to her lips and started playing her tune. After Link memorizes the tune Saria looks at him with a smile "So are you going to tell me about your adventure so far?"
"Oh, sure! I've got a lot to tell you!" Link started. He continues to tell Saria of his adventures while the others choose to continue in their own world.
"There's something off about those stupid bomb brothers." Sage said.
"You're still going on about that?" Linda asked as she scratched her ear with her hind leg.
"I don't trust them either." Stephanie said.
"You and Navi hardly trust anybody." Linda said, waving off the subject.
"You don't have any suspicions about them?" Cheyenne asked Linda.
"Honestly I don't care, we just need to get the Goron Ruby and we're out of there; no more dealing with bomb brothers." Linda responded.
"But what about the fact that they're going to be bombing Goron city?" Cheyenne asked.
Linda sighs in annoyance "Fine, we'll steal their bombs too . . ."
"You say it like it's easy." Sage said skeptically.
"Pushing aside the fact that they're going to destroy a civilization, what if they come back and rob the Goron Ruby from us?" Stephanie asks.
"You saying the Ruby is more important than a whole civilization?" Linda asked.
"The Gorons are rocks! How much damage could some bombs do?" Stephanie argued.
"They may be rocks but they have feelings!" Linda said.
"Oh Link that sounds so exciting!" Saria seemed a little more overjoyed than was necessary.
"Considering our time limit, we probably should go." Navi said.
"Oh . . . Well, if you have to. But you have to promise to come back and tell me more okay Link?" Saria said with a hopeful expression.
Link smiled "Of course,"
"And I'm sorry I didn't get to properly introduce myself to you creatures." Saria said to the animals.
"No it's fine; people normally act like we don't exist anyway." Stephanie said.
"Oh, well okay then." Saria said, a little perplexed.
The group said their good-byes and went on their merry way back through the shrubbery maze. Shrubbery sounds weird. When they got back into the lost woods they forgot which direction the secret entrance was.
"I told you we should've left markings to help get us back." Navi nagged.
"I don't remember you saying that." Linda says as she looks over the script for this chapter.
"Forget about the stupid script fatass!" Navi screamed as she knocks the script out of Linda's paws.
"Dumb bitch." Linda muttered.
"Shouldn't you know where to go Navi? I mean, you were born and raised here weren't you?" Cheyenne asked.
"Yes but we weren't allowed to wander the lost woods." Navi said.
"Why?" Stephanie asked.
"Because mother would beat us senseless." Navi replied reminiscing on the good old days.
"Oh sounds lovely." Linda said with a British accent.
"Mmm yes, pour me another cup of tea would you dearie." Sage played along.
"Oh yes, that sounds smashing, pour me some as well." Cheyenne joined in.
"Let's just go." Navi said with annoyance.
"Oh Navi, don't be such an arsehole." Sage teased.
"Cor Blimey, I just found me a bogey!" Linda shouted.
"Let's keep going." Link said.
After wandering around for another ten minutes they finally find the way back to Goron city. After climbing over the boulders and walking into the city they hear someone shouting from a distance. They look down at the bottom of the city where that huge ass spinning vase is and see Darunia arguing with the bomb brothers. The group glances around at each other and starts making their way down to the arguing party.
"Be gone vile trash!" Darunia commanded.
"That really hurts my feelings," Damian said pretending to be hurt "aren't we friends?"
"I'd never be friends with the likes of you! Get out of my city and never come back!" Darunia yelled while fiercely pointing to the exit.
"All right, all right, don't get your panties in a twist. We'll leave, but I can't promise you won't see our faces again." Damian said with an evil glint in his eyes as he and his gang turns to leave. As they're heading up one of the many stone staircases in the city they come across our heroes. Damian gives them a mischievous grin as they walk passed them.
"No good son of a bitch." Sage muttered.
By the time the group got down to the bottom of the city Darunia had already gone back into his chambers. Link played "Zelda's Lullaby" in front of the stone door and it opened for them. When they got into Darunia's chamber he was angry and mumbling to himself.
"Um . . . Darunia?" Link spoke, but Darunia was too deep into thought to hear him.
"Just play the song." Navi instructed. Link played the song and before long Darunia snapped out of his reverie and was dancing rather insanely. Every time he stomped the ground would shake and the furniture would move. Our heroes backed away a safe distance from Darunia and waited for his earthquake to subside. After he stopped and was out of breath he looked up at Link and smiled.
"That was a great tune! For some strange reason I feel like I can trust you because of that no name song!" Darunia commented.
"It's actually called Saria's song; my friend-"Link began.
"Take these Bracelets! Earlier you asked for the Goron's Ruby didn't you?" Darunia cut in. He handed Link the Goron bracelets, "Well these should help you open the way to Dodongo's cavern."
"Why are you sending me to Dodongo's cavern?" Link questioned while putting on the bracelets.
Darunia gave Link a stern look "The last few people that came through here looking for our precious Ruby expected me to just hand it over. I didn't give it to them because I knew they were up to no good, but I trust you so I'm making you work for the Ruby." Darunia finished with a smile.
"That's a great way to show you trust someone; make them clean up the bad mans' work." Navi said sarcastically.
"Well someone's gotta do it!" Darunia said with a big grin.
"Why don't you, it is your city!" Navi argued.
"But he can do it so much better." Darunia whined, referring to Link.
"Stop being so lazy and go fight for the sake of your people!" Navi screeched while flying around Darunia's head angrily.
"If you guys eat rocks, can't you just eat whatever's lying around here?" Stephanie asked.
"Don't be ridiculous this is our home why in the world would we eat it!" Darunia explained with a hardy laugh.
"You're technically already cannibals, why be ashamed now?" Sage asked.
"But those rocks aren't alive." Linda said.
"Weren't you the one that said all rocks have feelings and what not?" Sage asked irritably.
"All rocks have feelings!" Darunia stated, "But we all understand that the rest of us need minerals from other rocks to keep us going."
"So, you're okay with eating your own kind?" Link asked in disbelief.
"We're our only source of food, we can't help it." Darunia said. The group looks at Darunia in a disapproving manner.
"I think it's time we go. Thank you for the bracelets and I'll open the cavern for you." Link said while bowing. He was quick to turn and leave, but Darunia stops him.
"Don't forget to kill the monster that lurks inside; It'll eat all our food." He said with another big grin.
Link sighs, "Sure." He replied before leaving Darunias' chamber.
"I can't believe he's making us open that stupid cavern just for the Goron's Ruby." Navi complained.
"At least we'll be getting it." Link reassured.
"Yeah, so quit your bitching." Sage said and Navi just huffed.
By the time the group got outside the sun had already set. Sage and Linda lead Link towards the cliff with the bomb flower that's to the right of the Goron city entrance. When they look down from the cliff they notice the boulder had already been blown up.
"Didn't you say I needed to blow up some boulder or something?" Link asked.
"Yeah, but it looks like someone did your job for you." Sage said.
"Those brothers?" Cheyenne questioned.
"Seems like it." Linda sighed.
They head down the mountain trail until they reach the now accessible Dodongo's cavern. They enter the cavern and walk down a long passageway until they reach a dead end.
"Is this it?" Link asked.
"Bomb that wall." Linda said while pointing to the wall in front of them. Link looks around and sees a bomb flower nearby. He plucks it from the ground, throws it at the wall and backs away. When the wall explodes they wait till the smoke clears up to continue forward. The next room was the size of a high school gymnasium, but with a lot more rocks, lava, and a huge skeleton face. In the center of the room there was a platform with a beamos on it and above it there was a dodongo head. Some bridges were suspended from the ceiling. Surrounding the center platform were three platforms that move up and down; one in front of our friends and the other two on the left and right side. On the left side of the room there was a wall you could bomb and a barred door. On the right side there were two more walls you could bomb and a passageway. There were beamos and bomb flowers on each side.
"It's really hot in here." Stephanie stated.
"That would be because of the lava." Navi pointed out.
"No shit Sherlock." Sage said irritably.
"I was just saying-"
"Something we could easily figure out on our own?" Linda cut Navi off.
"Guys, seriously, I think my face is melting off." Stephanie said.
Link decides to explore a little more while the girls are 'talking' and jumps across the moving platform onto the center platform with the beamos on it. He walks up to the beamos wondering if it knew how to speak.
"Um . . . excuse me; do you know where the monster that lurks around here is?" Link asks. The beamos looks down at Link and glares at him, "If you're busy I'll just come back later or something." Link said nervously. The beamos shuts its eye and Link notices it was lifting itself out of the ground. He backs up as its stumpy legs steady themselves and opens its eye to look at Link again. Link runs away screaming with the beamos close behind.
"Maybe if you weren't such a-" Navi started until she heard Links' cry of terror and turns towards him, "Link!" She screams and flies after them. The animals watch and laugh as Link gets chased around by the beamos. Then a bomb flies over their head and blows up the beamos in one swift movement. They duck and scream then turn towards the entrance where the bomb brothers and all their smug glory are standing.
"You scared the shit out of us assholes!" Sage screamed.
"Oh, sorry didn't mean to hurt your cute little rodent ears." Damian teased.
"Don't you ever get tired of having you around?" Sage asked irritably.
"I quite enjoy my company." Damian replied.
"What are you guys doing here?" Link asked.
"Just came to check out the party."
Link looked at the brothers suspiciously "What party?"
Damian smirks "Your party." He lights something that looks like small rope and the group looks where it leads to. Two rows of bombs lined up from one end of the ceiling to the other.
"What are you doing?" Navi asks as she watches the wick burn shorter.
Damian throws a bomb bag at Link "Bring me the spiritual stone of fire and I'll let you keep that bomb bag."
"What's the point if you're going to blow us up anyway?" Navi screamed. Before anything else could be said the chain of bombs went off. The group drops to the ground and protects their faces. When they look up they notice that the only thing affected by the explosion was the dodongo's eyes. The eyes were like a switch that opened the mouth leading to another part of the cavern.
Damian laughed "Did you really think I was going to kill you? I still need you to get me something."
"I'm not giving the Ruby to you." Link said.
The brothers give Link and his friends an unpleasant look "I didn't go through half of this cavern and get you that bomb bag so you could turn your back on me." Damian said.
"I didn't ask you to." Link pointed out.
"Then you're just in our way." Damian warned. He motions for Ralph and Ted to attack them.
"Run!" Navi instructed.
Our heroes run into the dodongo's mouth and through the door. They barricade the door with as many rocks as they can pick up.
Damian chuckled "Unfortunately for them, I prepared for something like this." He brings out a remote control of some kind and presses the only button on it.
"Damn those good for nothing, douche bag, bomb holding, stupid looking bastards!" Navi screeched.
Lindas' ears perked up "Do you hear that?"
The group stopped and listened for whatever Linda was hearing. Before anyone could say anything, the ground exploded! Cheyenne and Linda blew through the door they just came through while the others were blown further into the dungeon.
*Cheyenne and Linda*
They were lying on the ground inside the dodongo's mouth covered in soot. Linda lifts herself off the ground and coughs up some smoke. Cheyenne fluffs out her feathers and shakes the soot off.
"What the hell!" Cheyenne yelled.
"Those damn brothers and their cousin." Linda coughed.
"You rang?" Damian teased. Cheyenne and Linda glare up at them.
"Why you always gotta cramp my style?" Linda shouted.
"Oh I'm so sorry." Damian said sarcastically.
Cheyenne looks towards the door and notices that a pile of rubble was blocking the way back to their friends "Did we seriously just get separated from everyone again . . ." She sighed.
Linda looks towards the damage "Shit! Couldn't you guys have at least put me with Link?"
"What, you got a problem with being stuck with me?" Cheyenne asked, offended.
"Hey! Being stuck in your favorite video game is a once in a lifetime chance that's supposedly impossible; and being stuck in your favorite video game with the man you dream about every night is a dream come true, so don't start with me!" Linda argued.
"Fine, I'll let you stay in your little fantasy world while you're here, but just know that when we get back home I'm kicking your ass for picking a video game character over your friend." Cheyenne said.
"Eh, I'll live." Linda shrugged.
"You guys have some serious friendship problems." Ted said.
"It's not that bad." Cheyenne said while rolling her eyes.
"I like watching Links' ass while he walks." Linda stated.
"She's the one with the problem." Cheyenne motioned towards Linda.
The bomb brothers nod in agreement.
"I think there's more to your problem then just her being an idiot." Ralph said with his deep voice.
"Holy shit you can talk!" Cheyenne and Linda said.
"Pushing that aside, why don't you tell me what's really bothering you?" Ralph said sincerely. Cheyenne and Linda glance at each other questionably.
"Are you some kind of psychiatrist or something?" Cheyenne asked.
"No, he just likes being nosy; that's why Ted and I asked him not to talk when around other people." Damian said.
*The other four zeroes*
They have been fighting a pair of lizalfos ever since the explosion separated them from Cheyenne and Linda. But they weren't in the lava filled room where you would normally fight the lizalfos; they were in the room outside the boss' lair. Link took the chance to test out his new Hylian shield; he found it difficult to hold up so he just ducked every time one of the lizalfos took a swipe at him. Of course the girls just sat back and watched Link overcome a life or death trial.
"How do you think Chey and Linda are doing?" Sage asked boringly while scratching her armpit. Link finishes one of the lizalfos with a horizontal slash and readies himself for the next one.
"I'm sure they're fine, you and Linda know this game like the back of your hands." Stephanie replied.
"Yeah, but these lizard monsters aren't supposed to be in this room." Sage pointed out.
"What do you mean?" Stephanie asked.
"That's just it; they're not supposed to be in here." Sage said.
"I'm sure-" Stephanie spoke until Navi cut in.
"Why don't you guys get off your asses and help Link every once in a while?" Sage and Stephanie look towards Link as he performs a jump attack on the lizalfos.
"I think he's doing just fine." Stephanie said.
"Why don't you go help him, you are his guide." Sage said.
"I've done all I can." Navi said with a huff.
"Go target the lizard thing for him or something." Sage said. Link finishes off the lizalfos and watches it disappear before turning to his friends, "I guess we weren't needed." Sage said while smirking at Navi.
"Should we find a way back to Linda and Cheyenne now?" Link asked out of breath.
"Actually, since we're here let's just defeat that King Dodongo thing on the other side of that rock." Sage said while pointing to the rock-made door, "Since they ended up on the other side of the door we came through they can just leave, but unfortunately for us the only way out is that blue light thing that forms after you kill the boss."
"I guess you're right." Link said.
"But what about those brothers?" Stephanie asked.
"I'm sure they can handle themselves." Sage said.
"How do we open the door?" Navi asked.
"You're the guide, you tell us." Sage said.
"Ugh, just tell us." Navi demanded.
"You need to put a block on that switch." Sage instructed while pointing to the switch inside the hole in the middle of the room.
"Where do we get the block?" Link asked.
Sage pointed to the block on top of a nearby ledge "Up there."
"How do we get up there?" Navi asked.
"What you can't think for yourselves?" Sage said irritably.
"Why not go through that passageway?" Stephanie suggested, pointing to the passage.
"That's normally where you would go, but I got an idea; Link, go stand by the ledge where the block is." Sage instructed and Link obeyed, "Alright Steph, let him use you as a stepping stool."
"You're kidding me right? He'd crush me!" Stephanie shouted.
"I didn't think I was that heavy." Link said.
"Just have Navi sprinkle him with her fairy dust and he could fly to it." Stephanie said.
"This isn't Peter Pan." Sage said.
"That's just how fairies work isn't it?" Stephanie asked.
"Not in this world." Sage shook her head, "Just do it."
Stephanie sighed "Fine."
Stephanie got next to Link and when he stepped on her, just as she predicted, she was crushed. Link reached for the ledge, but unfortunately wasn't able to. So for extra height, Sage went behind Stephanie and bit her in the tail. Stephanie yelped and slightly jumped in the air causing Link to fall forward; luckily he was able to grab onto the ledge and pull himself up.
"Why would you do that?" Stephanie shouted.
"It worked, didn't it?" Sage said.
"Don't worry; I know how you feel, her and Linda use me however they please as well." Navi consoled.
"Stop making it sound like we rape you or something." Sage said with disgust.
"I didn't mean it like that!" Navi cried.
"Good, I'd never touch you anyway; too bitter, bitchy and salty." Sage sneered.
"Hey! Back in the forest I'm known for my kindness and beauty!" Navi yelled.
"What beauty? You're just a ball of light! And you wouldn't know kindness if it bit you in the ass!" Sage shouted.
"Look out below!" Link warned them. They looked up, saw the block being pushed over the edge and ran away. Link pulls and pushes the block onto the switch then turns to his friends, "You guys ready to go in?"
"It's not like we have a choice." Sage said.
"All right then, let's go." Link said a little too cheerful. They enter the room and notice there's nothing inside. They all look at Sage expecting her to explain why.
"Oh what, did I not tell you?" Sage asks, feigning surprise. "The boss is a retired stuntwoman from the Gerudo desert who accidentally got her gullible head stuck up her ass and now walks on one hand and foot. She'll come riding on her unicycle any minute now and challenge you to a naïve watermelon eating contest to see who can grow a watermelon tree inside their stomach faster. I suggest you take deep breaths so more oxygen can get inside and make the seed grow faster."
Link listens intently to the information Sage is giving him while Stephanie and Navi just glare at her.
"How many breaths does it take to grow the watermelon completely?" Link asked.
Navi looks at Link shocked "You must be joking! She was lying!"
"Oh." Link said, a little embarrassed.
Sage sighs "It's just too easy." They all glare at her and she rolls her eyes, "Okay, Okay, I'll tell you for real. You see that patch of dirt that looks different from the rest of the ground?" She asks while pointing to said patch of dirt.
Link nods "Yes."
"Well considering you just got a nice new bomb bag, what do you think you have to do to that patch of dirt?" Sage asks like some kind of teacher.
Link thinks for a minute "Bomb it?" He answered reluctantly.
"Now you're thinking! Good job!" Sage commented and Link smiles.
"Stop treating him like he's a five year old!" Navi shouted.
Link places a bomb on the ground and watches as a new hole is made. They jump down and magically land safely into the dodongo's lair. Big lava pit with some ground outlining it and bomb flowers at every corner. Sage looks around, but notices the dodongo isn't where it's supposed to be. The other three gasp in surprise and she turns to see what all the hubbub is about.
Sage looks at it dumbfounded ". . . A retired stuntwoman from the Gerudo desert who accidentally got her head stuck up her ass and now walks on one hand and foot? "She asks. The stuntwoman gives her a thumbs up and she cringes.
Link looks at Sage a little worried "So how many breaths does it take to grow the watermelon completely?"
"Watch out!" Navi shouted.
Link looks back at the stuntwoman and sees her running/wobbling towards him. He panics while stepping back and trips over himself.
"Link, run!" Navi warned from a safe distance.
"Like he hasn't figured that out already." Sage said irritably, also at a safe distance.
Link fumbles trying to get up and when he feels the stuntwoman grab his leg he screams like a little girl and kicks her into the lava pit. They all watch in awe as she screams while her body burns and disintegrates. After she's done dying and the lava pit hardens, the girls give Link a dull look and he gives them an innocent smile. The blue warping thing appears and a heart piece pops up. Link retrieves the heart piece and they all warp to the front of Dodongo's cavern.
"And when I was eight, my dog died from choking on her strange banana toy; and she didn't even care!" Linda cried while wiping away her tears.
The group looks toward the cavern and see the bomb brothers with Cheyenne and Linda walking out. Linda was sitting on Ralphs' shoulder crying and telling him her life story while Ralph nodded and listened to every word. Cheyenne was perched on top of Damians' shoulder with a bored look on both their faces.
"Please! Take! These! Stupid! Animals! Back!" Damian begged when he saw Link.
"I don't think I can listen to another word out of this things' mouth" Ted agreed.
"Well now you know what we have to deal with every day." Navi said.
"I don't care what you say," Damian said while grabbing Linda and throwing her at Link, "Take these back, I don't want them!" He swats at Cheyenne and she flies back to her friends.
Out of nowhere, Darunia falls from the sky behind Link causing them all (besides Ralph) to scream.
Darunia laughs "Congratulations!" He pats Link on the back which makes Link fall over, "Thanks to you, my people can eat delicious food again!" he said with a satisfied grin.
"You think what's in there is delicious?" They all (besides Ralph) asked disbelievingly.
Darunia chose to ignore them "From now on you are my sworn brother! No special ceremony, just take what was promised to you."
Darunia gives Link the spiritual stone of fire, or the Goron's Ruby. Damian and his gang had enough of the kid and his friends so he just huffed and accepted defeat.
"Why not go visit the Great Fairy on top of Death Mountain, just follow the trail up and you can't miss it." Darunia suggested excitedly.
"Sure, thanks." Link said.
"Now let's give you a big Goron hug!" Darunia said.
"No thanks, we should probably go." Link said while backing away. He accidentally trips over Stephanie and falls on his back. Darunia stops walking when Link falls over, but Damian pushes him and he topples over a horrified Link.
"Oooh." They all (besides Ralph) said while some of them covered their eyes or clutched their stomach.
FINALLY DONE! bleh
EDITOR GET EDITING!