It was sunrise when our heroes finished Dodongo's cavern and went their separate ways from the dreaded bomb brothers. Now after an hour of bombing boulders and climbing cliffs, they finally made it half way up Death Mountain! They were now running for their lives and avoiding boulders falling from the sky.
"RUN!" Navi screamed, dodging a burning boulder.
"What do you think we're doing dumbass!" Sage yelled as she dodges a boulder.
"OUCH!" Link screamed as a boulder scraped his shoulder.
"We're almost there!" Navi shouted.
They finally got passed the falling boulders, but now face a different problem; climbing the wall to reach the very top. They scowl and mumble words of hate to the wall.
"It's not that bad when you're playing it in a game." Linda wheezed.
"Yeah, but now that we're here in person it's a bitch." Sage said.
"I can't feel my wings!" Stephanie cried.
"I think one of the boulders had eyes and was glaring at me." Cheyenne said.
"Will you guys stop complaining and climb up the mountain side already!" Navi ordered.
"Up yours, fairy!" Linda shouted.
Link shoots at the skulltula's that are climbing around the wall with his slingshot and they climb on. Once they reach the top they're greeted by the owl perched on a sign.
"Hello, lunch." The owl said while glaring at them.
"Hi." Link huffed while trying to catch his breath.
"You know, if you need a ride" The owl spoke with a glint in his eye, "I'd be happy to oblige."
"That's just sick." Stephanie said with disgust.
"I think that owl's glaring at me." Cheyenne said.
"Why are you being so paranoid?" Sage asked Cheyenne and she shrugged nervously.
"You know what; I think we'll take a rain check on that ride down the mountain." Navi said, ignoring the animals.
"Who said I'd be giving you a ride down the mountain?" The owl asked.
The group looks at the owl nervously before scurrying into the small cave next to him. Inside was a fountain of some sort with the Triforce symbol etched into the marble floor in front of it. The water filling the fountain would slightly change colors from time to time. Link stepped on to the Triforce symbol and looked into the fountain.
"What do I do now?" Link asked while sticking his right hand into the fountain.
"Link, don't play in the water! It's sacred!" Navi screamed, flying around Links' face.
"You should've said something earlier." Linda said.
"Why?" Navi asked. She turned to her animal tumors only to find them splashing in the fountain, "OH MY GODDESSES! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"Taking a much needed bath." Sage said, rubbing her armpits.
"DUMBASSES! GET OUT OF THERE!" Navi screeched. They all huffed and groaned, but still obeyed and got out of the fountain, "Link do something!"
"Like what?" Link asked.
"Call the Great Fairy!" Navi demanded.
"Um . . ." Link thought for a moment, "Oh Great Fairy, come out come out wherever you are!" he yelled as if she was hiding, but nothing happened.
"Try olly olly oxen free." Stephanie suggested.
"Oh okay, olly olly-" Link started.
"UGH! Why do I have to-" Navi cut in, but stopped and took a deep breath," Okay, Link you need to play Zelda's lullaby where you are standing; that's how you call the Great Fairy."
Link nods and plays the lullaby. When he finishes, a loud screeching laugh echoes throughout the room causing everyone but Navi to cringe and cover their ears.
"Son of a bitch!" Sage shouted.
"What the hell?" Cheyenne said.
Out of nowhere, a pink haired woman only wearing vines flew up from the fountain.
"My Queen." Navi said with a bow; Link followed suit.
"Ugh, these vines are so itchy!" The Great Fairy said while frantically scratching her back.
"Pardon me your highness-OH MY!" Navi spoke while the Great Fairy accidentally moved her outfit slightly and uncovered her chest area.
"Oops," The Great Fairy chuckled and adjusted her outfit, "I don't know what I was thinking when I got this damn thing."
"Must've been high." Linda said.
"Why are you dressed like that?" Stephanie asked.
The Great Fairy glares at Stephanie "And what exactly is wrong with my dress?"
"More like, what isn't wrong with your dress. Does your mother know you dress like this?" Stephanie asked.
"Excuse me?" The Great Fairy asked with a scowl.
"You're going to have to excuse the animals your highness, they're mentally retarded." Navi said.
"She's wearing Paris Hiltons' wedding dress and you're saying we're retarded!" Stephanie screamed.
"What's wrong with her dress?" Link asked.
"Of course you wouldn't mind what she's wearing." Sage said as more of the Great Fairys' 'dress' unravels.
"Just tell me what you want and leave." The Great Fairy said while moving the vines around.
"Darunia said you would help us if we came to see you." Link said.
"You, sure; them, no way in hell." The Great Fairy said, pointing to the animals.
"That's fine, they're just free loaders." Navi said.
The Great Fairy nods then spreads her arms and legs. Glittery power flies from the Great Fairy to Link "I have given you the ability to do a spin attack; just focus your power into your sword and release-AAHH!" The Great Fairy started, but having her arms and legs spread the way they were caused her vines to slip off. She desperately tries to cover her important parts, but the embarrassment was too much for her and she turned her back to them.
"I think her ass is glaring at me." Cheyenne said.
"The sad part is you're probably right." Linda said.
"Might I suggest some Elmer's Glue my lady?" Sage said in her best French waiter voice.
"Or a Moo-Moo." Stephanie said.
"Stop insulting me! One more word from any of you and I'll . . . and I'll hurt you!" The Great Fairy screamed.
"Oh calm down Great Fairy, don't get your panties in a twist." Sage said with a dismissing wave.
"What panties?" Stephanie asked.
"Exactly!" Sage said before laughing hysterically, along with her other animal friends.
"GET!OUT!" The Great Fairy roared. She flew back into the fountain which somehow caused a huge wave to come splashing down on our heroes and carried them out of the cave.
"Who else was expecting that to happen?" Sage asked after shaking the water off. The rest of the animals raised their hands.
"I can't believe you would insult the Great Fairy like that!" Navi screamed.
"Well if she wasn't parading around like that I wouldn't have said anything." Stephanie said.
"And I thought you were going to be one of the good ones." Navi said with a sigh then turns to Cheyenne, "I guess it's all up to you."
"Yeah I wouldn't get your hopes up if I were you." Sage said.
"Why?" Navi asked suspiciously.
"That owl is glaring at me." Cheyenne said. They all look over to the owl.
"Just because my feather pattern makes me look like your dead grandpa doesn't mean I'm glaring at you." The owl grimaced.
"What are you still doing here owl?" Navi asked.
"I'm here to give Link a ride back to Kakariko village." The owl replied.
"Are you going to take the rest of us too?" Linda asked.
"Your fat ass would weigh me down." The owl said.
"Yeah, because my fifteen pounds against Links' ninety-eight pounds makes a big difference." Linda said sarcastically.
"Whether it is fifteen pounds or fifty, you're still a fat ass." The owl said.
"So are you going to give us a ride or what?" Linda asked.
"Fine, but if the load gets too heavy, you're the first one to go." The owl said then flapped his wings and hovered above the sign, "Grab ahold of my talons."
Sage and Linda jumped onto Links' shoulders then Link grabs the owls' talons. The owl flies off with Cheyenne, Stephanie and Navi following close behind. The owl plunged down Death Mountain with amazing speed while our zeroes screamed from fear . . . or maybe it was excitement. When they got down to Kakariko village the owl flew over a house and dropped Link. Unfortunately for Link and his friends the roof of the house was weak so they fell through. Double unfortunately for Link and his friends because the house belonged to Anju and her ocean of cuccos.
Sage, who was hanging from a broken ceiling fan, coughed "That jackass did that on purpose."
"LINK!" Navi screamed as she flew through hole in the roof, "Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine thank you." Linda said. Poking her head out of the sea of cuccos and spitting feathers out of her mouth.
"Not you moron, where's Link?" Navi asked while flying around the room.
"Right here," Links' voice cracked. He poked his head out of the sea of cuccos with Linda on top of his head, "Where am I?"
"Take a guess." Cheyenne spoke from the roof.
Link looked up at the hole in the ceiling then at the ocean of cuccos "I think we should leave."
"Shouldn't we tell the person who owns this house that we fell through their roof?" Stephanie asked.
"Steph just so you know, that red monster thing that tried to kidnap you the other day lives here." Linda said.
"Not only that, but we don't have the money to repair this roof." Sage said.
"Let's get out of here! The monster's coming!" Cheyenne screamed.
Stephanie, Cheyenne and Navi help lift Link out of the house and onto the roof while Sage jumps to the roof from the fan. Then Stephanie and Cheyenne come back and fly Linda out. They all climb down the roof and leave the village as fast as they can. As they were climbing down the last few stone steps leading to Kakariko Link realized something.
"Where are we going now?" He asked, looking at the animals.
"Can we go somewhere that has a bath or shower?" Stephanie asked.
"There's a river close by." Link said.
"Ew, do you know how many other critters have probably bathed in that river?" Stephanie said with disgust.
"I resent that." Linda said.
"Do we want to chance meeting another Great Fairy or to Lon Lon ranch?" Sage asked.
"I don't think another Great Fairy is a good idea; I don't want fairy ass glaring at me again." Cheyenne said.
"Lon Lon Ranch here we come!" Linda shouted.
"Why do you have to be so loud in the morning?" Navi asked irritably.
"Is the next spiritual stone at Lon Lon Ranch?" Link asked.
"No, but you can learn a new song and get another bottle." Sage said.
"We need to find the spiritual stones ASAP." Navi said.
"Trust me; you won't be in a hurry to get the next one when you figure out who you have to put up with to get it." Linda said.
"I'm fine with going to the ranch you were talking about." Link said.
Our heroes start heading towards Lon Lon Ranch. By the time they get there its passed noon. When they enter it seemed peaceful; they could hear the clucking of cuccos, the galloping of horses, and . . . screaming?
"YOU'RE NOTHING! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MOTHER ISN'T AROUND!" The random man voice screamed. The group looks at each other before running to a nearby stable. They open the door and run inside to see a small imp-like man wearing a green T-shirt and pink overalls.
"I SHOULD'VE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!" The imp man yelled at a foal.
"What are you doing to that poor baby horse?" Stephanie yelled.
The imp man turned around with surprise etched on his face "Who the hell are you?"
"We're on a 'save the horses' campaign!" Stephanie yelled while waddling towards the imp man.
"Why the hell do you have a talking duck?" Imp man asked.
"Unfortunately, she's not the only one." Navi said.
"I MUST BE LOSING MY MIND! TALKING ANIMALS AND BUGS WHEREVER I TURN! I HAVE TO CLEANSE THIS RANCH BEFORE MORE EVIL SPIRITS ATTACK THIS PLACE!" The imp man shouted as he brought out some incense and started swinging it around.
"Um . . . Maybe we should go." Link suggested.
"I agree." Sage, Cheyenne and Linda said.
"But what about the horse?" Stephanie squawked.
"Looks like he's going to cleanse the thing; its fine." Sage said.
They leave the stable and walk to a house that was right across from it. Once inside, they find Talon sleeping on top of a table and some cuccos pecking at the wood flooring.
"Maybe we should just leave the Ranch completely." Navi suggested, being completely freaked out by all the things she's seen so far.
"No, we need that bottle!" Sage said as she scurries over to Talon, "Wake up jackass!"
"Hold on!" Linda shouted. Everyone watches as she runs over to Talon and digs through his overall pockets.
"You better not do what I think you're doing Linda." Stephanie said.
Linda pulls out a bottle of milk from one of Talons' pockets "This way we won't have to play that stupid game."
"Thieves go to hell." Stephanie said.
"Eh, if you quit acting like Saint Sally, maybe I'll ask for forgiveness later. Let's go!" Linda said before she ran out the door.
The group hears Talon groan, "Must … Kill … Teddy bear tribe … *snore*"
"I think there's something wrong with him." Cheyenne said.
"Just be glad he's not awake." Navi said before shivering from the memories.
"Cheyenne, those cuccos are glaring at you." Sage teased.
"No, I don't think so." Cheyenne said while looking around to see if Sage was right.
"Of course nothing's glaring at you now." Sage said.
"Let's go before we lose track of that stupid raccoon." Navi said.
The group nods and heads outside the door where they find Linda waiting. They go passed the house and stable into the big corral where horses are roaming around. In the middle of the corral they find Malon singing to a reddish brown filly, or female baby horse. The group walks up to Malon and the filly runs away. Filly is a funny word to say.
"Wow, Epona really doesn't like you fairy boy! Oh yeah, my dad told me about what happened at the castle and I'm surprised to see you alive! That's amazing! I guess I should thank you for waking up my dad so thank you! What brings you out here to our amazing ranch?" Malon said.
"Um . . . Well-" Link spoke.
"That's an amazing ocarina you got there!" Malon cut in, pointing to Links' ocarina sticking out of his pocket, "Let me teach you a song that might help you bond with my favorite horse, Epona! Hurry up and take your amazing ocarina out! This song I'm going to teach you is ama-"
"Okay we get it just teach him the damn song!" Sage said irritably.
Malon smiles at Link who already had his ocarina on his lips and was waiting patiently for her to begin. She starts singing the melody and halfway through her song Link joins in. After Link finishes the song, Epona trots up to him and nudges him on the shoulder. He smiles and pets Eponas' snout.
"See, she likes you already fairy boy! That's amazing! I have a feeling you two will become great friends! Isn't that amazing? I think it is! When you get older maybe you can come back and give her a test run, I'm sure you both will like that!" Malon giggled.
"I think this horse is glaring at me." Cheyenne said.
"You've been saying that ever since we got out of the cavern, so I don't know whether I should take you seriously or not." Navi said.
Epona looked at Cheyenne and walked over to her. Cheyenne froze in place while Epona sniffed her. Then for some reason Epona freaked out and started chasing after Cheyenne. Our friends try to help the screaming Cheyenne, but the horse was too fast!
"Make her stop chasing me!" Cheyenne cried, flying around the corral.
"That's kind of hard considering that horse is the fastest out of all of us!" Sage screamed. Link tripped over himself and fell on top of Sage and Linda, "And the fact that Link has two left feet isn't helping us!"
"Sorry." Link said.
"All is forgiven!" Linda sang from under him.
"Once a sick freak, always a sick freak." Sage said while trying to crawl out from under Links' armpit.
Luckily for Cheyenne, Stephanie was able to catch up to Epona, but unluckily for Stephanie, Epona started chasing after her instead!
"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that Epona hates birds! That's why we keep the cuccos as far away from her as possible! Aren't we amazing? It was my idea so I'm more amazing than daddy and Ingo." Malon said.
"That's definitely something we didn't need to know. I mean, you saw those two birds walk up with Link and knew their lives were possibly in danger but who cares, right? That's just amazing!" Linda shouted and mocked.
"You guys better fly out of the Ranch if you know what's best for you!" Sage yelled to Cheyenne and Stephanie.
"I knew that horse was glaring at me! Nobody believed me!" Cheyenne cried as she flew out of the Ranch with Stephanie not too far behind.
"Well, thanks for teaching me the song-" Link said after walking back to Malon.
"And this free bottle!" Linda cut in while holding up said bottle.
"But I think we should go." Link finished, ignoring Linda.
"Oh my goodness fairy boy, you can talk!" Malon said in amazement. Link rolled his eyes as Malon kept going on about how amazing random things were. He and the rest of the gang leave the ranch and meet Cheyenne and Stephanie outside by a tree.
"I can't believe that horse wanted to hurt me, even after I made a 'save the horses' campaign!" Stephanie shouted angrily.
"Just so you know, that 'save the horses' campaign was something you made up on the spot and none of us joined it." Sage pointed out.
"Well good, because I would've ended the campaign anyway." Stephanie said.
"Now that we all know you guys suck for bringing us out here, what's our next move?" Navi asked.
"Do we want to go meet the other Great Fairy, since she's closer to us anyway?" Sage asked.
"Not to mention that the sun is going to set soon." Stephanie said.
"So . . . Yes, to another Great Fairy hunt?" Linda asked.
"Unfortunately, yes." Sage said with a sigh.
"Hey! The Great Fairy is a highly sophisticated woman and deserves your respect!" Navi argued.
"She showed us her ass." Linda pointed out.
"And it wasn't a very nice ass." Cheyenne added.
"I'm kind of curious as to when we're going to go after the next spiritual stone." Link said.
"After we get what we need from the Great Fairy we'll go after it." Sage said.
"Do you even know where the next Great Fairy is?" Stephanie asked. Sage and Linda give Stephanie an unpleased look, "Oh yeah, I forgot you guys were experts at this."
"There experts at pissing me off more than anything." Navi said.
"I'm sure they don't mean to." Cheyenne said.
"Nah, I'm pretty sure we do it purposely." Linda said and Sage nodded her head in agreement.
"Little pieces of shit . . ." Navi muttered.
"Quite your bitching and let's go." Sage said.
After several hours of walking over a drawbridge, trudging through Hyrule market, and killing poor defenseless bugs they come to the dirt path that leads to Hyrule castle but are stopped by a line of soldiers.
"None shall pass by the order or the King!" One soldier stated.
"Why?" Link asked.
"Because the King always heightens security at night." The soldier said
"But the sun hasn't completely gone down yet." Stephanie pointed out. Just then, like a bolt of lightning, the sun went completely down!
"Whoa, how'd that happen?" Cheyenne asked.
"We have a cruel authoress, its best that you just get used to it now." Navi said.
"None shall pass by the order of the King!" The group heard another soldier say to a random bystander. They look over and notice it's the woman who lost the button to her shirt . . . From chapter four, you remember!
"Please, I need your help finding my button! It's one of the important ones too, see!" The woman points to the area where the button is missing.
The soldier cringes in disgust "Get away from me you foul beast!" He shouts before poking at her with his spear.
"Ow! Cut it out, that hurts!" The woman screamed.
"After it!" Another soldier commanded. The soldiers do as they're told and chase after the screaming woman.
"I love how there's always a convenient distraction when we need it." Stephanie said.
"Yeah, but let's go before those soldiers come back." Link said.
The group walks down the dirt path leading to Hyrule castle until they come to the cliff with the vines on it. They climb up then walk passed the front gate and jump down to the other side. They keep walking until they come up to the wall that Link needs to bomb to get to the Great Fairy. After the explosion, some soldiers head that way to investigate. Before our friends enter the newly formed cave they hear metal footsteps coming their way.
"How did they hear us?" Linda asked.
"Well, most bombs are pretty loud." Cheyenne said.
"Who goes there?" A soldier accompanied by three others shouted.
"Um . . ." Link stuttered trying to find a good explanation.
"Let's throw Navi at them!" Linda shouted as she jumps to catch Navi.
"Not again you fat lard!" Navi objected. She head butts Linda, knocking her to the ground in front of one of the soldiers.
"Link, you go and see the Great Fairy; we'll distract them." Sage said.
"Okay . . ." Link said hesitantly before running into the cave.
"You say that, but how are we supposed to distract them?" Stephanie asked.
One of the soldiers picks up Linda "You're all going to the dungeon!" He said.
"Sing for you? Okay if you insist!" Linda said a little dazed, ". . . I believe I can fly . . . I got shot by the FBI!"
"Did she really hit her head that hard?" Cheyenne asked.
"I don't know, but let's just go along with it." Stephanie said.
". . . I hit my mama with a chicken wing!" Linda continued, "When she didn't get me burger king!"
"How the hell are we supposed to go along with that?" Cheyenne asked, confused.
The soldier holding Linda holds her mouth shut "Get rid of them!" he shouted.
"OH HELL NO!" The animals shouted before they attacked the soldiers. Cheyenne pecked at the hands of the soldier holding Linda causing him to drop her, Sage crawled her way into one of the soldiers' helmets and started scratching his face, and Stephanie chased the remaining two soldiers while squawking and pecking at their asses.
"I believe I can soar," Linda sang while lying on the ground ignoring what's going on in the background, "I ran in to that open do-o-or! Oh I believe . . . I can fly! I can fly!"
"Call for more men!" The soldier Cheyenne was pecking at screamed.
"It's raining men! Hallelujah it's raining men . . . Amen!" Linda sang.
"You gotta be kidding me! Your head wasn't hit that hard!" Sage yelled while climbing out of the soldiers' helmet.
"I know, but that's what he reminded me of when he called for more men." Linda said.
"Link better hurry, I heard more of them coming!" Stephanie said as she was waddling back from chasing the soldiers away.
"We'll just have to run them out of town!" Linda shouted, leaping at the soldier who was holding her earlier, "Away with ye, metallic shithead!" she yelled while ripping his helmet off and biting his nose. The soldier screamed bloody murder before falling to the ground clutching his nose.
"What the hell did you guys do?" Navi screeched. The animals look towards Link and Navi.
"We distracted them, like I said we would." Sage replied.
"You said you'd distract them, not kill them!" Navi screamed.
"It doesn't look like they're dead." Link stated.
"Just hurt a little." Stephanie said.
They heard more metal footsteps heading their way "Let's go." Link said.
They all run for the exit and ten minutes later they're back in Hyrule market. There was nothing but dogs roaming the streets since it was nighttime.
"The soldiers are probably going to come after us, so finding a place to hide would be best." Link said.
"Great idea, but where are we going to hide?" Navi asked.
"Why don't we ask that guy standing on that balcony if we can stay at his place?" Cheyenne suggested while pointing to the guy. The group looks up at the guy who happens to be looking back at them as well.
"My 'creep' radar is going ding." Stephanie said.
"Either way, we need a place to hide and possibly stay the night." Link said.
"I'm with Steph on this one. No way in hell am I staying at some random creeps' house." Sage said.
After some discussion and protests, Link calls out to the man on the balcony and is able to find a place to stay. The man walks back into the building and after a few minutes opens the front door for our friends. They walk inside and notice it's some kind of apartment building. They follow the man up to the second floor and into his room. Besides the balcony, all his room has is a small cot in the corner, a book shelf, and a garbage can.
"Well, make yourselves at home!" The man sang with delight, "But I only have two blankets so your animals are just gonna have to tough it out through the night. It's a good thing it's not winter, right?" he finished with a snort-like laugh.
"You can just have them sleep outside." Navi suggested.
"Oh honey no, do you know what the cold air could do to their fur? Just awful!" The man said.
"But you just said it wasn't winter." Navi said.
"That doesn't mean it can't be cold outside dear; now don't argue with me and go to sleep." The man said, playfully throwing a blanket and pillow at Link.
"Um, thank you for letting us stay the night here." Link said while sitting on the ground to take his boots off.
"Oh sweetie, don't think twice about it I'm always happy to help. Now go to sleep before the boogeyman comes to get you; nighty night." The man said, lying down in his cot.
"Good-" Link started but was interrupted by the man snoring.
"You know, I think I might take you up on that offer to sleep outside on the balcony." Sage said, covering her ears.
"Be my guest." Navi said.
"Don't be ridiculous you two, just go to sleep." Link said.
"I'm sure we could if we can tune out the grizzly bear over there; but good night anyway." Stephanie said. After a minute of nobody responding, she realizes that they all have gone to sleep "Well good night to you too Steph. Thanks guys you're too kind I hope you have sweet dreams. Thanks, you too. Aw, thank you-"
"Steph, stop talking to yourself and go to sleep." Sage said. Stephanie mumbles to herself before keeping quiet and trying to fall asleep.
Didn't really know how to end this one so just came up with them staying at some gay guys house... oh well. My EX-editor says I know more about grammatical errors then she does so she's not my editor anymore! But before she became EX-editor, we had a discussion about Stephanie and Cheyenne's character development. So what do you think EX-editor, good so far?
ALSO, i had to change the rating on this B because of the Great Fairy, can you believe it?
SEE U NEXT CHAPTER!