In this episode of Cornelius! The Branded Avenger! Our protagonists set sail on a journey to save their little sister captured by the evil Dr. Wash! Last time you met them they successfully named the Link look-a-like Sean for some reason. JUST THEN! An evil presence made itself known to our heroes. What was that evil presence? Well stick around to find out!

"Kris?!" They all, except Sean, shouted in surprise.

And there Kris stood, with a group of Stalfos behind her waiting for her orders "What a pleasant surprise that I got to run into you here." She spoke.

"I wouldn't say that it's very pleasant." Sage said.

"Those damn dead guys keep glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"You can't have Sean!" Linda shouted as she jumped in front of Sean to protect him.

Kris snorted with laughter "I'm not here for-" she spots Sean and his beautiful face, "Well hello there Sean." She said seductively.

"It's pronounced Sean." Sage corrected.

"That's what I said." Kris argued.

"No, you said Sean. You're supposed to say it like Sean." Linda said.

"Oh what difference does it make?!" Kris shouted irritably.

"There's a big difference! You say it like a retard when you're supposed to say it like someone with scoliosis!" Linda explained.

"You're retard." Kris said. They all gasp, "What?" Kris asks irritably.

Linda gets teary eyed "Why would you say that?"

"She's very sensitive about her mental disorder." Sage said as she pats Linda's back.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know." Kris said with guilt.

"I think it's about time you leave." Cheyenne said while comforting her friend.

"Yes, I understand. I'm so so sorry, I didn't know and I would've never said that if I knew." Kris apologized as she began to walk away, "Hey WAIT A MINUTE!" she shouted before turning back "I don't care if you have gingivitis or down syndrome, I'm here for the cow!"

"Damn and we were so close in getting you to leave." Sage said.

"Run Sean!" Linda screamed.

"Thanks Linda, it's nice to know you care . . ." Kayla said irritably.

"Hey! I faked a mental disorder for you!" Linda shouted.

"Oh trust me; you didn't have to fake it." Kris cut in, "Get the cow!" she ordered the Stlafos.

Our friends tried fighting off the Stalfos but they were outnumbered and outmatched. The battle ended pretty quickly as our friends were pummeled to a bloody pulp. Ouch. The Stalfos chain Kayla up and give Kris the signal that they're ready to leave.

"Next time you decide to take what's ours, make sure you get a little more fighting practice." Kris warned. She looks over at Sean who is standing off to the side, "Grab my eye candy while you're at it." She said cheerfully.

The Stalfos chain Sean up and carry him and Kayla off. Kris watches as they leave then turn towards our friends.

"She's safer with us anyway." Kris said in a low voice.

"What are you-?" Sage asked with a raspy voice before going into a fit of coughs.

"If you can't even fight off my fighters, there's no way you could protect her from what's to come." Kris said before walking away.

Sage looks over at her unconscious friends before looking back at Kris "Don't think this is the last you've seen of us. . ." She croaked.

"For your friends' sake, I hope not." Kris muttered.

-A few hours later-

Sage wakes up on a rat sized cot. She looks around and realizes she's back in the professors' house.

"It's about time you've woken up." The professor says as he dissects a frog.

"That smells bad." Sage said as the dead frog smell attacks her nose.

"I'm hoping this will make the potion perfect." The professor said.

"I thought the potion was already done." Sage said.

"We found some imperfections, but I'd need the Link look-a-like to confirm that." The professor said with a sigh.

"His name is Sean . . . and he was kidnapped." Sage said miserably.

"I know," The professor sighed "unfortunately there's not much we can do."

"We can go after him . . . and Kayla." Sage said.

"And get killed? I don't think you understand the condition you and your friends are in right now." The professor said.

Sage looks at her rat body and sees a bandage wrapped around her midsection with multiple scratches around her legs and arms. She noticed Cheyenne (who was sleeping in her own bird cage) and Linda (who was sleeping on the professors' cot) had similar injuries.

Stephanie waddles up to Sage's cot "I didn't think it was possible for you guys to lose to Kris."

"There is no way one pig girl could do all that damage alone." The professor stated.

"Yeah, she had a group of Stalfos with her." Sage muttered, "I figured all that training we did with Impa would come in handy, but they were bigger and stronger . . . and I guess the fact that they were already dead might have something to do with it. . ."

"Maybe you guys should learn to be peace makers." The professor suggested. Sage and Stephanie give him an odd look, ". . . Or not."

"We need to become stronger, do you have any potions for that?" Sage asked.

"Unfortunately no, but I do have red potion; it'll heal your injuries." The professor replied. He gave Sage the smallest drop of red potion he could; she began healing instantly. At first she was uncomfortable and itchy, but the feeling wore off and she wasn't sore anymore.

"Thanks professor!" Sage chimed as she pulled off the bandage.

"Now we wait for the other two to wake up." The professor said, looking at Linda and Cheyenne.

"How long have we been unconscious?" Sage asked.

"About a day." Stephanie answered.

"Any longer and I'd think you were dead or in a coma." The professor said before chuckling.

"Gee thanks . . ." Sage muttered.

As time went by, our friends got over the embarrassment of losing to Kris and her minions and moved on with their lives. More training was done, but the only sure way to tell if they've gotten stronger is if they fought something. They decided it was best to stay away from enemies until they could either get their bodies back or if Link came back and roamed Hyrule with them.

*Year Six*

Another few months flew by with tougher training regimens to get them ready to save a cow friend and a sexy man! And when I say tougher training regimens I mean goofing off. Our animal friends don't have a good sense of duty. On this particular spring day, the freeloaders decide to scurry off into the fishing pond to . . . blow dandelions, I mean, what else would you do at a fishing pond right?! I'm just kidding, they'll be fishing.

So they're now sitting on that big log in the middle of the pond with a fishing rod in hand; waiting for it to snag a fish.

"Did you catch anything?" Sage asked lazily.

"When I do you'll know." Linda replied in the same tone.

"Every fish that swims by keeps calling me a slut . . ." Cheyenne muttered while glaring at the fish in the water.

"Funny, they keep calling me a fat lazy dumbass with a third nipple." Linda said, staring blankly into the distance.

"The air must be contaminated or something because I can hear them call me a bald bastard honey sucker; whatever that is." Sage said with a raised eyebrow.

"If they're trying to taunt us they're doing a horrible job." Linda said.

"No, I'd say they're doing a pretty good job." Sage said, wanting to leave just to get away from the insults.

"I just now thought of this, but if one of us ends up catching a big fish how will we get it to land without letting it slip out of our hands? I mean, Linda will have to swim back while I fly Sage back over and none of us with be able to hold onto the fish." Cheyenne pointed out. They all sat in awkward silence for a minute.

"Well I'm done." Linda said while reeling in her fish line.

"Yeah me too." Sage said, doing the same.

Cheyenne sighs "I guess I'm-" something suddenly hooks on to her line "Oh crap, I got something." She tries to reel her line in "Damn thing must be one hundred pounds!"

"Actually, it's probably because you're trying to reel it in with your small parakeet talons. How are you able to do that anyway?" Sage asked.

The fish hooked on Cheyenne's line jumps out of the water and our friends get a good look at it.

"SHARK?!" They all screamed in surprise.

"SON OF A BITCH! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" Sage screamed.

Cheyenne let's go of the fishing rod and begins to fly Sage back to land. Unfortunately, another shark begins to chase and snap at them and they begin screaming.

"Now's my chance to escape!" Linda chimed as she was about to jump in the water. A shark rams into the log causing Linda to lose her balance and she slips off the log. She's able to grab ahold of a sturdy branch sticking out of the log and desperately tries to lift herself out of the water. The shark rams the log again and it somehow flies out of the pond and lands on top of Linda. Cheyenne flies over to the log and drops Sage down next to it before resting on top of the log.

"Where the hell did these sharks come from?" Sage asked out of breath.

Linda pulls herself out from under the log "Oh no, don't worry about me I don't need your help."

"Serves those damn fish right for calling us mean names." Cheyenne said.

"It didn't look like the sharks were after the fish though." Sage stated.

"That's because they weren't." A random voice said. They all look at the direction it's coming from and see the Pond Owner.

"What do you mean?" They all asked irritably.

"Those sharks are specially trained to keep criminals out of my pond." The pond owner said.

"So you're telling me that you sent those sharks after us?" Sage asked.

"Yup, I don't want rodents in my pond." The pond owner said while scratching his armpit.

"Even after we paid twenty rupees . . . EACH?!" Sage shouted.

"Well about that, I forgot that you were paying customers until after I sent the sharks after you." The pond owner said.

"How convenient." Cheyenne muttered.

"I want my money back." Sage demanded.

"Sorry, there's a no refund policy." The pond owner said.

"I don't give a damn what kind of froofy policy you have! You give me back my damn money or I'll rip this place apart!" Sage shouted.

"Well, if you have any complaints I suggest you talk to our manager." The pond owner said.

"But you're the owner." Cheyenne stated.

The pond owner shrugged "Company policy."

"Okay . . . May we speak to your manager then?" Sage seethed.

"Let me go see if he's in." The pond owner said before walking away. After a few irritating minutes of waiting for him, the shop owner comes back "Sorry, he's on vacation, but I own this place so why don't we try to solve this problem ourselves yes?"

One of Sages' eyes begins to twitch and in a matter of minutes, the front desk is trashed and all the pond owner's rupees are gone. They say their farewells as the pond owner cries on the floor and leave the fishing pond with a nice smile plastered on all their faces.

Sage takes a deep breath "I feel accomplished."

"I find it sad that we robbed him, but only came out with sixty rupees." Cheyenne said while looking at their stolen goods.

"Business must be slow this time of year." Linda said.

"Let's get out of here; just being near that guy makes me want to punch a baby." Sage said before walking off.

"I love happy endings." Linda said.

*Year Seven*

HOLY POOP! This must be the chapter where Link comes back! Then we could get on with the story instead of just random scenarios our furry friends get into. Okay, so according to the wording between the asterisks above, our friends don't have much time before Link pops out of the sacred realm. Not only that but they're still animals! And the potion the Professor and Stephanie have been working on is still in progress! You'd think since they've been working on it for about three years they would've come up with something by now.

Anyway, since Linda's been keeping track of how long it's been they figured it was about time to head out to greet Link when he arrives. The professor promised to keep trying to make the potion as long as they left a good supply of their fur so he could have something to test the potion on. After saying their good-byes and taking a small sack full of supplies, they head out. I'm not sure if I want to write about them getting to Hyrule market or just skip to them already there. Well . . .

-One Day Later-

They finally make it to Redead market, formerly known as Hyrule market. Being lazy and what not is fantastic. As they were walking through the abandoned market they noticed one of the redead was slowly following them.

"Maybe we should've thought of a better plan then just waltzing in here." Stephanie said, eyeing the oncoming redead.

"Nah, we'll be fine." Linda reassured.

"Are you sure? That thing's starting to pick up speed." Stephanie said.

"Well I guess we'll just have to ask it to follow someone else." Linda said while turning around and walking towards the redead.

"That wouldn't do anything; it likes the smell of the broccoli in your tail." Cheyenne stated.

"Yeah, and I had some moldy bread for breakfast so I'll smell of death soon enough." Sage said.

Stephanie gives her friends a weird look "Not to mention that redeads eat the living."

"They won't want a taste of me after I digest that moldy bread." Sage said.

"That's disgusting." Stephanie said.

"Hey Linda, don't let that thing know where we're going!" Cheyenne shouted as she watched Linda get closer to the redead.

"Hey mister, can you go follow someone else for a few days? My friends over there don't want you following us to the temple of time." Linda said to the redead. It just keeps walking towards her while making small groaning sounds, "Fine! I was going to share some of my hairy broccoli with you but now you can forget it."

"Ew, hairy broccoli." Sage said.

Linda begins to walk off until the redead suddenly lets out a piercing screech, causing the other redeads to turn towards them. They all huddle up in defense as the redeads slowly surround them.

"Before we die, I want you all to know that I love you. I mean, we've had our bad times, but we're a team and we looked out for each other. I wouldn't want to die any other way then with my best friends." Stephanie sobbed.

"Honestly I'd rather die being suffocated in Links' manly chest." Linda said.

"Orlando Bloom's closet." Cheyenne said.

"You guys are unbelievable." Stephanie grimaced then looked at Sage with hopeful eyes.

"I think the best way to die is to drown in Daniel Radcliffe's eyes." Sage finally said after thinking for a minute.

Stephanie looked at her friends unpleased "You all can just go straight to hell."

"Tell that to the redeads that are trying to kill us." Cheyenne said.

By this time the redeads were pretty close to our furry friends and ready to eat some lunch. But of course our friends had something else in mind. So much can happen when you have a spotlight.

"Have you ever seen such a beautiful night?" Cheyenne sang.

"I could almost kiss the stars for shining so bright!" Sage sang.

They begin a choreographed dance "When I see you smiling I go-" Linda sang.

"OH, OH, oh!" They all sang.

I hope that song gets stuck in your head! Just like that damn 'call me maybe' song! UGH! Anyway, now that the redeads were thoroughly confused and/or distracted, the animals could wait for a good time to escape. In the middle of their "performance" they see an opening and escape from the swarm of redead.

"See, I told you we'd be fine." Linda said as they were running away from the crowd of redead.

"Yes but our knowledge of old Disney songs can't save us every time." Stephanie retorted.

"Like hell they can't!" Linda shouted.

"Watch where you're going!" Sage yelled at Linda and Stephanie. She and Cheyenne have already come to a stop while Linda and Stephanie keep going and suddenly run into someone.

"Drunk hobo?" Sage asked in surprise as she and Cheyenne walked up to them.

The drunken hobo turned towards them and smiles "Hey Marlin!" he shouted as he lifted a wine bottle in the air, "Great weather *hic* today, right?! Though *hic* I could do without the gloomy clouds and such."

"Why are you always drunk; you know that's bad for you right?" Stephanie lectured.

"Oh stop being a mother and *hic* learn to have some fun." The drunken hobo said while waving his free hand nonchalantly.

"I'm kind of curious of how you're able to buy all this booze, I mean, by the looks of it you just wander around Hyrule without any rupees or anything." Cheyenne pointed out.

"Hey! *hic* I'm pretty sure I have rupees somewhere. *hic*" The drunken hobo said while looking around aimlessly.

"Maybe you stuck them up your nose." Sage said, seeing if he would actually look.

"That's right! It seems I'm losing everything *hic* in my nose this week." The hobo said as he began digging through his nose.

"If there's none in there you might want to look up your ass." Sage suggested.

"Oh cut it out! There's nothing in your nose or your ass, hopefully." Stephanie said with disgust, "Stop picking your nose!" the drunken hobo did as he was told.

"So what're you doing on this side of Hyrule; you know it's kind of inhabited by monsters right?" Linda asked.

"Really?!" The hobo asked in surprise, "this place looks a like my moms' house."

"I now see why you ended up like this." Sage said.

"Poor child." Linda said.

"Um . . . guys." Cheyenne said worriedly as she pointed towards a group of redeads walking towards them.

"It's like they don't have anything better to do." Linda said irritably.

"*hic* what bastards." The hobo slurred.

"I think you've had enough to drink." Cheyenne said.

"But he's the drunk hobo! He's just a plain boring hobo if he's not drunk!" Linda shouted.

"He'd be a proper citizen if he wasn't drunk." Stephanie said.

"You and your good way of life can kiss my ass, drunk hobo is fun and you know it." Sage said.

"Oh look at me I'm kicking dirt at you haha!" The hobo teased as he kicked air towards one of the oncoming redeads.

"He's also a good distraction plan." Linda stated.

"That's mean." Stephanie said.

"You say that, but you'll be running away with us as he gets attacked by those redeads." Sage said.

"Hey, you look like my moms' pet zebra named Charles," the hobo said as he put an arm around the redead, "Just without the 'Ch-', so your name would be 'Arles'." The hobo tried holding in his laugh but couldn't and started laughing hysterically.

The group watches as the drunken hobo is surrounded by redead and is basically gang raped.

"Bow chicka wow wow." Sage sang.

"That's just gross, let's keep going." Stephanie said.

They glance at each other before continuing on to the temple of time. When they get there, they head inside and enter the back room where pedestal of time is.

"So when is Link coming back and just where is he going to come out of?" Stephanie asked.

"I don't know, but I hope it's sometime soon because I miss his body." Linda said.

"I think you need a new hobby." Stephanie said; a little freaked out by Linda's obsession.

"Hell no." Linda said flatly.

"What I want to know is why we haven't met Sheik yet. I mean seven years and not even a sign of her . . . or him." Sage said.

"Who's Sheik?" Cheyenne asked.

"I'm Sheik." A voice called out from a distance. The group turned towards the voice and spot a man dressed in bandages and blue spandex.

"Let me guess, you're Impas' son?" Cheyenne asked.

"What gave you that idea?" Sheik asked.

"Well, Impa once told us that she was the last of the Sheikah race and I figured your name came from that. My mind somehow came to the conclusion that you are Impas' son because of it." Cheyenne tried to explain.

"I'm part of a dying race and you have the nerve to make fun of it and my name?" Sheik asked irritably.

"I wasn't saying tha-" Cheyenne tried to explain herself but Sheik interrupted.

"Not only do I have to hear that kind of shit from my trainer, but now I have to hear it from a bunch of stupid ungrateful animals?! Not only that but my rock collection was stolen last week and nobody wants to help me look for it! Not to mention that I've been trying to get my life back together after Ganondorf took over and just when I think I got everything figured out I get a hangnail! Yes, a hangnail! And let me tell you about when I tried to take a bath in the Zora river, but the bean seller-"

"Would you just shut up? I've met some pretty annoying bitchy people before, but you've definitely outdone them ALL!" Sage interrupted. Everyone else nodded.

"I actually kind of want to hear about the bean seller story." Linda said.

"NO! No more stories about how miserable anybody thinks their life is; we're just going to sit here quietly and wait for Link to get back!" Sage said before plopping down on the floor.

-A few hours later-

FINALLY! After seven years of waiting, a light surrounds the pedestal of time and after it fades away only a figure is left. They all stare with shiny eyes at the green clad, sexy seventeen year old hero. At first he has his back to them, but turns towards them when he hears someone running towards him.

"MY SEXY HUNKY MAN MEAT!" Linda cried as she jumped into his arms.

He's taken aback for a second but smiles and returns the hug "Linda! It's been so long!"

Linda squeals with delight "Your voice makes me tremble." She says before taking a big whiff of Links' tunic.

"You're just as weird now as you were then." Link said with a chuckle.

"I can see why Linda's so obsessed with him." Stephanie said.

"Yeah, he's the only reason she plays the game over and over again." Sage said.

"Sad . . . but understandable." Cheyenne said.

Link sees his other friends and smiles at them "Don't you want a hug too?"

"Hell yea-" they began.

"No! You belong to me and no one else!" Linda whined.

"When did you become so stingy?" Link asked.

"This is how she's always been; there was just never an opportunity for you to see." Sage said.

"Oh, well either way, come give me a hug." Link said.

They all ran up to him and had a nice, crushing group hug. Once again, our heroes were back together and ready to save all of Hyrule. Huzzah!

"To be honest, I was hoping you guys would've died while we were away." A too familiar voice rang out. Sage and Linda's faces quickly changed from a happy expression to a disgusted one, "Oh I'm sure you guys missed me too." Navi said with a smirk.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Sage and Linda screamed.

Periods suck.

I didn't feel like writing this chapter for some reason so I had to force myself to write

... I guess forcing myself to write made the chapter less enjoyable and in doing so I don't think I wrote very well(story-wise). What do you think? Kay BYE!