Our friends were still in the temple of time, sitting on the stone steps next to the altar with the goddess stones floating on them.
"You guys haven't aged a bit since we last saw each other." Link said.
"Hm, I guess you're right." Cheyenne said, looking at herself.
"But it's kind of hard to tell if we've aged since we're all in animal form." Sage pointed out.
"Ew, if I aged normally then I'd be twenty five . . . or something." Linda said.
"Actually, we haven't aged because time flow back home is different from time flow here; at least that's my hypothesis." Stephanie said.
"What?" They all asked.
"Over the past seven years I've noticed something about us." Stephanie said.
"What?" They all asked again.
"Nothing's changed! You think over seven years we'd grow a little more or mature a bit but nothing happened!" Stephanie said.
"I guess you do make a point." Sage said.
"You have got to be the stupidest bunch of animals if you can't tell you're aging or not." Navi said.
"Why couldn't she just stay in the sacred realm?" Linda asked irritably.
"We're being punished for helping Link save Hyrule; or something like that." Sage replied.
"So what have you guys been up to for . . . seven years?" Link asked, changing the subject.
"Oh the usual running around and discovering things." Stephanie lied.
"Smells like bull shit." Navi said irritably.
"It's just your upper lip." Linda said.
"What kind of things have you discovered so far?" Link asked.
"The bridges in Hyrule aren't very sturdy." Cheyenne said.
"Death is inevitable." Linda said.
"According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction." Sage said.
"Oh, and Kayla was kidnapped." Stephanie added.
"What?!" Link shouted in surprise.
"Oh please, with them watching over her it was to be expected." Navi said.
"And that is why you don't have friends." Linda said. Navi rolls her eyes.
"But don't worry, we're seventy percent sure she's in Ganondorf's castle." Sage said.
"And thirty percent sure she's either dead in a ditch somewhere or being served as a hamburger elsewhere." Linda said.
"Maybe she's being served as a hamburger in a ditch." Sage suggested.
"Oh the possibilities." Linda said.
"I can see neither one of you grew a brain over the years." Navi said.
"Did you say Ganondorf's castle?" Link asked.
"Yeah, sometime after you went into the Sacred Realm he kind of took over Hyrule." Cheyenne explained.
"Is Zelda okay?" Link asked.
"Impa put her in hiding a few years ago so she should be safe." Stephanie said.
"Which reminds me, where did Sheik run off to?" Linda asked.
"Who's Sheik?" Link asked.
"I'm Sheik," A voice says right before a rose falls down from the ceiling and sticks into the floor.
"Are you trying to get fresh here Sheik?" Sage asks suspiciously.
Sheik jumps down from the ceiling and lands in front of our friends with some strange background music playing. He is now wearing a black tuxedo, cape, top hat, and a white mask. Everyone stares at him with a blank expression.
"Tuxedo mask?" Cheyenne asked.
"When did Sailor Moon become popular in Hyrule?" Linda asked.
"There's no possible way, they don't have TV." Stephanie said.
"Do not be fooled by my disguise, for I am still the Sheik you all know and love." Sheik said while bringing his cape up to cover his face.
"The Sheik we all know, yes, love? . . . eh" Sage said.
"Hey weren't you gloomy and suicidal last chapter; when did you become the . . . mysterious masked hero type?" Linda asked.
"Oh great, the authoress must've added a character with split personality disorder just to piss us off." Sage groaned.
"Actually I was just messing with my dress up clothes." Sheik said while removing the tuxedo, revealing his usual attire.
"A grown man playing dress up?" Navi asked.
"Don't judge me I had a hard life!" Sheik argued.
"Um . . . is there any particular reason you wanted to come play dress up with us Sheik?" Link asked.
Sheik sees Link and whips out his handheld harp, "I can show you the world-"
"Ugh, not another Disney song . . ." Stephanie groaned.
"All right, let me rephrase it then." Sheik says before clearing his throat, "Seeing the world of Hyrule could be as easy as playing a song. But before I can teach you any song, you must go to many different regions of Hyrule. In these regions, you must awaken the remaining sages; in the deep forest, the only volcano in Hyrule, the only lake in Hyrule, dancing with the dead, and playing in a big sandbox."
"Wait, I'm confused; I'll find Sage playing in a sandbox?" Link asked while staring confusedly at Sage.
"Only sometimes." Sage replied.
"No, no, no. Magical beings known as 'sages' need to be awakened in order to obtain the power to seal away the evil king." Sheik explained.
"But I thought the master sword could seal the evil king away." Link said, pointing at the master sword.
"It can, but it also needs the help of the six sages." Sheik said.
"Are these six sages going to fight Ganondorf with the master sword?" Link asked.
"Of course not; you are." Sheik said.
"Then why do I need the six sages if they're not going to fight?" Link asked.
Sheik sighs in frustration "You just do, they are the only beings that can seal the evil king into the Sacred Realm!"
"Then why do they need me?" Link asked. Sheik glares at Link and eventually one of his eyes begins to twitch.
"I quite enjoy seventeen year old Link." Cheyenne said with a British accent.
"I always have, and always will." Linda said.
"Just go to those regions and awaken the sages!" Sheik shouted before throwing something to the ground and disappearing in a flash of light.
"AH! My eyes! My beautiful crystal blue eyes!" Stephanie shouted as she covered said eyes.
"Let's not waste any more time-" Navi spoke before being interrupted by a loud thud. They all turn their attention to where the noise came from. Sheik was lying on the ground looking disheveled.
"What the hell was that?" Sage asked.
Sheik looks up at the group "Um . . . don't mind me, I'm just passing through."
"It looks to me like you fell from-" Cheyenne said while roving her eyes up towards the ceiling, "somewhere up there?"
"How'd you get up there and why?" Link asked.
"Uh . . . I . . . came back to tell you . . . that . . . There's an item in Kakariko village that should be helpful to you on your journey, yeah. So go there and get it so your journey is less strenuous." Sheik said nervously.
"Oh, well thanks . . . I guess." Link said while scratching the back of his head.
"Yeah, well I'm just going to go through the door this time and . . . see you later, I guess." Sheik said timidly. Sheik lifts himself off the floor and walks toward the exit of the temple. Our heroes give him odd stares as he awkwardly waves goodbye and closes the temple doors.
"So to Kakariko village then?" Navi asked.
"Please." Link said eagerly.
Our friends leave the temple of time and Link is overwhelmed with how different Hyrule market is.
"I can't believe all that's happened over the years I was gone." Link said.
"If you don't mind my asking; what did you even do in the sacred realm?" Cheyenne asked.
"Rauru trained me." Link answered.
"He trained you? I thought you just slept the whole time." Linda said.
"I don't think I have the ability to sleep for seven years." Link said.
"You can with magic." Sage said.
"I guess I could but-" Link began, but was interrupted by a humping redead! Everyone gasped as Link was being choked/raped.
"Not one of those things again!" Navi shouted.
"Bow chicka wow wow." Sage sang.
"Do something!" Navi demanded.
"You do something!" Cheyenne shouted back.
Link then flips the redead over, pulls his sword out and stabs it in the face. The girls watch in awe as he sheathes his sword and catches his breath.
"You just keep getting sexier and sexier." Linda said.
"Looks like Rauru trained you well." Stephanie added.
"Thanks, but it wasn't really that impressive." Link said with a blush.
"Next time, make sure your skirt flies up when you move like that." Linda said, eyeing Links' ass.
"I really wish you'd stop being creepy." Stephanie said.
They notice the other redeads walking their direction and decide to leave. As they're scurrying away they notice Sheik being gang raped by some redead. Of course being the good heroes that they are, they just run passed him and hope he doesn't call out to them. When they make it to the drawbridge Link couldn't help but notice that is was split in half.
"Did Ganondorf really have to break the drawbridge?" Link asked. The animals give each other unsettling glances.
". . . Yeah, what a total douchebag." Sage chuckled.
"Why don't we keep going and talk about this bridge later?" Stephanie suggested.
"Sure, let's go to Kakariko village then." Link said.
"Wait, don't you want to go see how things are at the Ranch?" Linda asked.
"Why, what's at the Ranch?" Link asked.
"Don't you want to go see how Epona is doing?" Linda asked.
"Hell no! That thing is going to kill us!" Cheyenne shouted, referring to Stephanie and her.
"Oh yeah, I forgot she doesn't like birds." Sage said.
"Is something wrong with Epona?" Link asked.
"Normally I would say yes, but since this story hasn't exactly been following the original plotline I don't know." Linda replied.
"Then why go to the Ranch?" Navi asked.
"Because what if something is wrong? We need to go save the Ranch!" Linda said.
"Well I guess it wouldn't hurt to go see." Link said.
And so our heroes set off towards Lon Lon Ranch. When they get there it's around noon. As they enter the Ranch they notice a slight difference in the scenery. The slight difference being protective charms plastered all over the buildings and fences.
"I love what they've done with the place." Sage said sarcastically.
"Do you guys hear . . . chanting of some sort?" Cheyenne asked. They all listen for a while before running to the big corral.
"What the hell!" Navi shouted.
In the middle of the corral they see a circle of horses with ropes tied around their necks fastening them to the ground. They each have strange blankets draped over their backs and blind folds around their eyes.
"What kind of satanic ritual is this?" Stephanie asked.
"Maybe we should go." Cheyenne suggested.
"I second that." Navi said.
"What a minute, there's someone in the middle of those horses." Link pointed out. They all look closer at what they see and there is in fact someone in the middle of the ruckus, "It looks like a woman."
"Oh, it must be Malon." Linda said.
"How can you tell?" Navi asked.
"Because she's the only woman who lives at the Ranch, duh." Linda replied.
"We've got to help her!" Link shouted as he ran towards the corral.
"What if she wanted to be in that kind of situation?" Cheyenne asked; cringing at the dirty thoughts she was having.
"Ew, that's some strange S&M role play." Sage said.
"You guys are sick." Stephanie said.
As the animals catch up with Link, they notice Malon was bound and gagged.
"S&M role play." Sage whispered to Stephanie.
"Shut up already!" Stephanie shouted.
Link unties Malon and pulls out the sock in her mouth "Are you okay?"
Malon tries to lift herself off the ground in a panic "You've . . . you've got to get me out of here, he's going to kill me!"
Link helps her to her feet "Who's going to kill you?"
They all hear heavy footsteps coming their way. Malon gasps and hides behind Link "Please help me." She begged.
"So have you learned your lesson, demon?" a man in some sort of black robe asked.
"Who the hell are you?" Link asked.
"I," the man spoke just as he ripped the robe off, "am your worst-"
"OH GOD! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" The animals yelled as they averted their eyes.
"What, this outfit is a spiritual symbol and a very important part of the ceremony." The man said. He is wearing a black one piece swimsuit that was really low-cut; and when I say low I mean passed his belly button low. It is pretty mortifying.
"Now I see why Malon wanted to leave." Cheyenne said.
"AS I WAS SAYING!" The man shouted, "I am your worst nightmare, Ingo! Ganondorf gave this Ranch to me so I could get rid of all the evil spirits left over from when Talon still lived here."
"This image can never be unseen." Stephanie sobbed.
"I think I'm going to be scarred for life." Sage said.
"WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT MY OUTFIT?!" Ingo shouted.
"We can try." Cheyenne said.
"Anyway, I plan to rid this woman of all the evil spirits that infest her body. Unfortunately, every time I try to perform the ritual some random asshole with a sword ends up stopping me." Ingo said.
"I guess Link is the next asshole with a sword?" Linda asked.
"Not this time!" Ingo shouted.
Ingo pulled out a whistle from the front part of his swimsuit and blew into it, causing the circle of horses to panic and try to break loose from the rope they're tied with. After he got some disgusted groans from the animals he continued to do a strange satanic chant. Accompanied by some weird dance moves, his satanic chant was . . . an absolute eyesore! He proceeded to do pelvic thrusts, wiggling of the arms and legs, funky square dancing and a lot of other random movements as he slowly moved around the circle of horses.
"Can we please just get the hell out of here?! He's creeping me out to the point where I want to throw my hands in the air and run away crying!" Sage shouted.
"You're going to have to come up with a different plan of escape because Malon already did that." Linda said as she pointed to Malon running towards the stable.
"How are we supposed to get out of here without getting kicked by one of the horses?" Navi asked.
"If Malon can do it, so can we!" Cheyenne shouted, "Besides, I'm tired of these horses glaring at me and calling me an orphan . . ."
"I've got a better idea," Link said before pulling out his ocarina and playing Epona's song, "Maybe it'll calm the horses down."
Of course things like that never really work out for Link and his friends; meaning the horses began to panic even more than calm down like Link wanted. Ingo proceeded to laugh maniacally as the horses began to kick up dirt and cause a dirt cloud to surround them.
"Somebody do something!" Navi shouted before beginning to choke on the dusty air.
"I'm so confused at what just happened that I have no idea how to react!" Stephanie cried.
"Wonder twin powers activate!" Linda shouted.
"Shape of, a vacuum cleaner!" Sage shouted.
"Form of, a dust bunny!" Cheyenne shouted.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU RETARDS TALKING ABOUT?!" Navi screamed.
"Aww man, now our powers won't work cause Navi's a bitch." Linda whined.
"Watch out!" Link shouted as he shielded his furry friends from Ingo and a hammer.
The girls hear the clanking of Links' sword and Ingo's hammer as they fight to the death! Or just fight until one of them gives up. Since the animals couldn't see anything through the dirt cloud they huddled together hoping that everything would just calm down. A few minutes later, a piercing scream echoed throughout the ranch and everything stood still. As the dirt cleared up our furry friends saw Link standing over an injured Ingo. The atmosphere was so intense that even the horses were watching Link intently.
"What are we supposed to do now?" Cheyenne whispered.
"Watch Links' ass?" Linda suggested with a shrug.
"Oh just stop it already." Stephanie said.
"Kiss my ass." Linda replied.
Ingo clutched his right arm to stop his bleeding wound and began breathing heavily "Please . . . Please let me live."
"Then give the Ranch back to Talon and Malon . . . and stop doing these weird ritual things with the animals." Link demanded.
"And for Christ' sake, put on some clothes!" Sage shouted.
"But Ganondorf will be furious." Ingo sniffed.
"I'm sure he'd be just as grateful." Sage said.
"I was supposed to present him with a horse tomorrow!" Ingo cried.
"Oh I know why don't we take the horse you were going to present him? That way everybody wins!" Cheyenne suggested.
"But-" Ingo said as he wipes his nose with his palm.
"Well now that that's settled, let's get the horse and leave." Stephanie interrupted.
"You got it dude!" Linda said before they all start to walk away.
"Hey! Wait a second!" Ingo protested as he reached out to grab Linda's tail.
Before he could grab her she turned around and slapped his nose with the back of her paw "You better back up home slice before I slap a hoe!"
"You kind of already did." Sage pointed out.
"Gee whizakers! Talking animals?! This Ranch is filled with evil spirits!" Ingo shouted. They all just give Ingo a disappointed glance.
"You've been hearing us talk for a while now." Sage said dully.
"Yeah, but it just dawned on me that you were all animals." Ingo replied.
"I honestly don't know why Ganondorf would want an idiot like you running this Ranch." Navi said.
"Because I'm perfect." Ingo said.
"Yeah, we're just going to leave now." Link said as the group started walking away, "Oh, and we're taking Epona with us."
"Like hell you are!" Ingo shouted, "None of these horses are for sale."
"I'm not leaving Epona here in this sort of environment." Link said while motioning to the tied horses.
"What do you care, you've never even met Epona!" Ingo shouted.
"Yes I have, once, seven years ago." Link replied.
"Really?! You're practically best friends now!" Ingo said in a sarcastic tone.
Link rolls his eyes "We're leaving now."
"Wait a minute!" Ingo commanded, "You're entertaining so I'll humor you. I'll give you Epona only if you win in a horse race against me."
"Well I guess so." Link said hesitantly.
The animals give Link an unsure look, but he just shrugs and follows Ingo to the stable. When they get inside they find Epona in one of the stalls. Link walks up to her while Ingo walks up to another stall with a black horse inside.
"Epona looks . . . a lot bigger then when we last saw her." Sage said. The others nod.
"Well don't just stand there, saddle her up." Ingo instructed as he did the same to the black horse.
After a while of messing with the saddle, Link has Epona ready for the race. He and Ingo lead their horses back to the corral where they set up at the starting line; which is just a painted white line on the outside of the corral.
"Hey, where'd Stephanie and Cheyenne go?" Linda asked Sage. They were standing a safe distance away from Link and Ingo so they wouldn't get run over.
Sage looks around "Maybe they went to hide from Epona."
"Ingo, my love!" Malon screamed as she ran to him.
"Did she just say what I think she said?" Sage asked, confused. Linda nodded.
Malon steps in front of Ingo's horse "Don't do it smoochy poo!"
"Get out of the way sugar tits!" Ingo shouted.
"But Epona might get hurt bubble buns!" Malon protested.
"That's a risk I'm willing to take beef curtains." Ingo said.
"Please don't do it funny bunny . . ." Malon pleaded.
"Get out of the way whale!" Ingo shouted.
"Can't you come up with a cuter name than that snuggle bear?" Malon pouted.
"Testicle juggler?" Ingo asked.
"I don't understand what's going on anymore . . ."Link said as Ingo and Malon kept arguing. Sage and Linda jump onto Epona.
"I thought Malon wanted to get away from Ingo." Linda stated.
"So it really was some strange S&M role play." Sage said.
"I think they may be the strangest couple in Legend of Zelda history." Linda said.
"I agree," Sage said before jumping on to Links' shoulder "let's get the hell out of here." she whispered.
"Don't encourage him to steal." Navi lectured.
"We'll tell him to be a good citizen when we leave the Ranch and its nasty ass inhabitants." Sage said.
Navi was silent (HALLELUJAH!) for a moment ". . . fine, but only because they're starting to freak me out too."
And thus, our heroes sneak Epona out of the Ranch while the two love birds are arguing. As they enter Hyrule field they see Stephanie and Cheyenne waiting by a tree.
"How was it?" Cheyenne asked.
"Disgusting, to say the least." Linda said.
"I hope we never have to go back there ever again." Sage sighed.
"Me neither . . ." a random girly voice said.
"What was that?" Stephanie asked.
"What was what?" Link asked.
"That voice . . . where did it come from?" Stephanie asked while looking around.
"You mean me?" The animals looked around for a while until they looked over at Epona.
"Epona . . . you can talk?" Sage asked.
"Yeah, I guess so." Epona said.
"Holy poop you can talk!" Linda said excitedly.
"Who can talk? Epona?" Link asked, still thoroughly confused.
"Well it makes sense that animals can communicate with each other." Navi said.
"Yeah I guess so." Link said, "Either way, we can start heading to Kakariko village now."
"Yes, thank you! We can finally do something worthwhile!" Navi shouted. Link shrugged and directed Epona towards Kakariko.
"I want to thank you guys for freeing me from that horrible place. I always felt awkward living there." Epona said as they were walking.
"I don't blame you." Cheyenne said.
"Hey, can I ask you something?" Stephanie asked Epona.
"Sure." Epona replied.
"Why do you hate birds?" Stephanie asked.
"That was a weird phase I went through as a youngling . . . It was because my ex-boyfriend cheated on me." Epona explained.
"I have a feeling this is going to be another Malon and Ingo case." Sage said a little disturbed.
Epona neighed "I guess you could say that, considering he was a cucco."
"Ew . . ." the animals said in unison.
"But he was definitely the romantic type," Epona said with a dreamy expression, but then scowled "I eventually found out he was being romantic towards one of the cows. Damn her and her curves! Sure I didn't weigh as much as her, but at least I could jump over things."
"So first there's a horse and cucco relationship then there's a cow and cucco relationship?" Cheyenne asked.
"Ew, I just imagined Ingo and one of the horses!" Linda cried as she tries shaking the idea out of her head.
"What kind of Ranch are they running?" Sage asked with disgust.
"We're very open-minded creatures." Epona said.
"Yeah no kidding . . ." Sage said.
"I wish I knew what they were talking about." Link said to Navi.
Navi shrugged "By the sounds of it, I don't think we want to know."
Okay so I didn't edit this chapter because I'm just not in the mood . . .
Lazy is a virtue *cough*
Anyway, if you see any mispelled words or just horrible phrases that don't make sense . . . tell me and i will fix it later
ok bye