"And that's why you should never place honey covered mushrooms on your nipples in the middle of the forest." Dampe finished explaining.
"That's . . . great." Link said dully.
Our heroes have been listening to Dampe the dead grave keepers' random stories for over two hours now. After getting into Kakariko, the game experts said the special item Dampe has is crucial to getting where they need to go and that's how they ended up in his grave. Unfortunately, they agreed to listen to his stories in exchange for said special item, but Dampe isn't exactly the best storyteller.
"I only agreed to listen because I didn't think his stories would be this lame." Link said.
"On the contrary, I thought they were quite traumatizing." Cheyenne said.
"I will never eat mushrooms ever again." Stephanie said with a disgusted expression.
"Since we listened to your stories can we have the hook shot now?" Sage asked.
"If you want my special treasure then you'll have to keep up with me in a race . . . against time." Dampe said, trying to be suspenseful.
"Seriously?!" Navi screeched, "First you make us listen to your lame ass stories and now you want us to race you?!"
". . . Against time" Dampe added.
"Whatever!" Navi shouted.
"I think I can keep up." Link said confidently.
"Why, because I'm dead?!" Dampe asked, offended for some reason.
"Well . . . maybe a little." Link spoke, "But if it makes you feel any better, that's not the main reason why I think I can keep up."
"Then what is the main reason?" Dampe asked angrily.
"It's probably because you have a fatter ass then Linda does." Sage said. Linda nodded.
"Oh yeah?!" Dampe shouted.
"I wasn't thinking that-"Link tried to defend himself.
"I'll show you, you breathing no good son of a bitch!" Dampe interrupted.
A door lifted open and Dampe flew through it like no tomorrow. The animals look up at Link as he gazes through the door completely dumbfounded.
"Well don't just stand there, go win that race!" Stephanie shouted.
Link snaps back to reality "Oh yeah!" he shouted before running through the door to catch up with Dampe.
"I probably ruined it for him didn't I?" Sage asked.
"Yes, but that really doesn't surprise me." Navi replied.
"Shouldn't you be going with him?" Cheyenne asked Navi.
"He's a big boy now he doesn't need my help for everything." Navi said.
"Then why don't you go back to the rock you crawled out from? I'll take care of Link from now on." Linda said.
"First of all, kiss my ass; and second of all, there's no way in hell I'd leave Link in your care!" Navi shouted angrily.
"What's wrong with the way I care for him?!" Linda asked.
"You basically molested his face earlier today!" Navi shouted.
"He said I could!" Linda argued.
"He wanted to pet your fur coat, not have you lick his face off!" Navi shouted.
"Petting, licking; same difference." Linda said while doing hand motions to compare the two words.
"Should we stop them?" Cheyenne asked while Navi and Linda were still fighting.
"Nah, they haven't had a good argument in over seven years." Sage said, "It's good to let off some steam."
"You just want them to fight to the death, don't you?" Cheyenne asked monotonously.
"Yeah, a little bit." Sage admitted.
"All right, that's enough you two-" Stephanie shouted.
"Shut up!" Navi and Linda shouted back before continuing their argument.
Stephanie's eyes began to water "Assholes . . ." she sniffs, "I just wanted you to stop arguing so it could be peaceful again."
Sage puts a comforting hand on Stephanie's wing "Believe you me . . ." She spoke before stopping to think about what she said, "Why do people say it like that? It sounds dumb. Anyway, what I was saying was . . . shit I forgot what I was going to say."
Cheyenne rolls her eyes "I think what Sage wanted to say was that things between Navi and Linda or for any one of us between Navi are never going to be peaceful."
"I think Navi and I are on good terms." Stephanie said.
"She called you retarded a few chapters ago." Sage pointed out.
"Well that was then and I've matured over the chapters so . . . yeah." Stephanie said.
"Oh dear, make way for Saint Stephanie." Sage teased with a British accent.
"Quite the mature lady she is, I'd say." Cheyenne played along.
"Oh bugger off." Stephanie said.
After Linda and Navi quit arguing they all climb out of the Dampe's grave and head to the windmill hut. Inside, they find a strange balding man playing a grinder organ (?) and looking at the spinning windmill kind of pissed.
"Hey buddy, have you seen a sexy green skirt wearing blonde run through here?" Linda asked.
"It all happened seven years ago . . ." The balding man said while his left eye began twitching.
". . . Have you seen a sexy green skirt wearing blonde run through here recently?" Linda repeated, "Like a few minutes ago recently."
". . . That song . . . that haunting song . . . everything spinning . . . FAST!" The balding man shouted the last part causing everyone else to jump in surprise.
"Are you telling me this guy is traumatized by a spinning windmill?" Cheyenne asked in disbelief.
"A fast spinning windmill" Linda corrected.
"He needs a new hobby." Stephanie said.
". . . Do you have any idea how much therapy I went through to get where I am today?" The balding man asked.
"You're meaning to tell me you were more insane then you are now?" Sage asked.
"Honestly I don't think it's working." Linda said.
"It is . . . in the past I used to kill street performers and drain their blood into the well in hopes of slowing down the spinning windmill. I was stupid to think that would actually work . . . I've been using animal blood ever since." The balding man explained as he began playing his grinder organ slower.
The animals slowly backed away from the balding man as he began to slowly bob his head left and right. They all hear a thud and look over at Link who just jumped down from a platform one level above them. They run to him in a panic and hide behind him.
"There you guys are; I thought I lost you." Link said happily, but began to worry when he saw their facial expressions, "What's wrong? It's like you've all seen a ghost or something."
"That guy wants to use their blood to stop the windmill from spinning too fast. At least I think that's what he's been hinting at." Navi explained.
Link looks over at the crazy balding guy "I'm sorry, but you can't use these animals for . . . some strange game you want to play." He says as he makes his way across the spinning windmill platform thing.
The balding guy looks at Link "You seem . . . familiar."
"I don't think we've ever met before, but either way I'm not giving you my friends." Link said.
"Oh Link!" Linda said happily.
"Link, he's supposed to teach you a song." Sage said.
"Oh, okay." Link said as he brings out his ocarina.
The balding mans' eyes widen and he steps back "IT IS YOU!"
Everyone jumps back in surprise from the man's loud voice "If you teach me the song we'll be gone faster." Link said.
"I can never forget that song." The balding man says before humming the tune.
"How can you? It's the song you're playing on that weird instrument you have." Sage said.
"At least it'll be easier for me to learn it." Link said as he started teaching himself how to play.
It took him a few tries but he learned the song in the end; which is called the song of storms, if you're wondering. Of course it began raining and the windmill began spinning faster. Which means the crazy balding guy went . . . crazy, again.
"MY WINDMILL!" crazy balding guy screamed.
"It's obvious that you're busy so . . . we'll just go." Link said while backing away from crazy balding guy.
Crazy balding guy turns to our friends, giving them a death glare "Give me YOUR BLOOD!" he screams then throws his grinder organ at them.
Our friends dodge the instrument and dash out of the building . . . but not without the balding guy right behind them! He surprisingly had the energy to chase them around Kakariko village for a good thirty minutes. For some reason he was able to detect wherever they were which made hiding difficult for them. Luckily they were a lot faster than him so when they had a chance to rest next to a tree, they did.
"I can't run anymore!" Linda whined as she began gasping for air.
"You know what I just thought of?" Sage asked while catching a ride on Linda's back.
"What?" Link asked, also winded.
"We could've just left Kakariko . . . I mean we have no reason to stay." Sage said.
"Why the hell didn't you point that out thirty minutes ago?" Stephanie asked irritably.
"Didn't I say I just thought of it?" Sage said.
"Let's just go before-" Cheyenne spoke before being interrupted.
"Get back here and let me sacrifice your blood to my windmill!" Crazy balding guy shouted; not too far behind them.
"Let's go!" Link shouted. They all groaned, but got up and kept running . . . no matter how loud their bones and muscles screamed in agony.
As they approached the village entrance/exit, one of the cuccos that the animals befriended over the years flew in front of them. When the group saw the cucco they suddenly stopped right before bulldozing it.
"We're kind of in a hurry here." Navi said.
The cucco saluted to the animals "I have news to report captains."
"Um . . . can it wait till later?" Cheyenne asked impatiently.
"Ma'am! Impa has gone to reseal the demon in the shadow temple." The cucco said.
"By herself?" Stephanie asked.
"Yes ma'am! And she said she doesn't want anyone going after her!" the cucco said.
"Well knowing that she doesn't want anyone going after her kind of makes me want to go after her just because I'm now really curious why she wants no one going after her." Linda said. The other animals nod.
"That's all the news I have for you today Ma'am!" the cucco said.
"Wait, when did she go to the shadow temple?" Sage asked.
Suddenly they hear a whooshing sound followed by a loud thud and a short squawk. They all look in terror as they see the crazy balding man standing on top of the now squished, dead cucco. The crazy balding man takes out a sponge and tries to soak up as much cucco blood on it as he can.
"You bastard! He had four kids . . . probably." Sage said. The crazy balding guy begins to laugh insanely as he watches the sponge soak up blood.
"What was his name again?" Linda asked, referring to the cucco.
"We need to get the hell out of here!" Stephanie screamed.
"I need more blood!" Crazy balding guy shouted before charging at our friends. Link brings out his sword and shield. As the crazy balding guy gets closer Link pushes him back with his shield, but crazy balding guy keeps pushing forward. Link then hits the crazy balding guy with the Master swords' hilt and crazy balding guy is down for the count. The animals begin to clap and cheer.
"Wait a second, why didn't you do that when he first started chasing us?" Sage asked.
"Well, couldn't you have easily scratched his eyes out when he first started chasing us?" Link retorted.
"Touché elf, touché." Sage said, admiring Links' comeback.
"Either way we have a dead cucco and an unconscious psycho path." Cheyenne pointed out.
"Eh, let's just leave them here." Linda said.
"We can't just leave them here!" Stephanie shouted.
"Trust me; no one will know the difference." Linda said while waving off the subject.
"You honestly think nobody would notice a dead cucco and a homicidal maniac with a bloody sponge?!" Stephanie shouted.
"Mommy, can I go poke that sleeping man with my new doll?" A random small boy asked his mother as they walked by.
The mother looks down at her son with a stern expression "There's no such thing as men sweetie, how many times do I have to tell you that?"
"But I see them all around the village mommy." The boy responded.
"They're just figments of your imagination, just like that thing that keeps wanting you to call it father." His mother explained, "Now come along and stop acting like a little shit."
"Yes mother." The boy said sadly.
"I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that. Let's get the hell out of here." Stephanie said.
After they leave Kakariko village, the game experts advise Link to go to the lost woods where they last saw Saria. By the time they made it to Kokiri forest it was after dark. Link noticed the eerie atmosphere the forest had and many new monsters. After dodging flying deku nuts and deku babas they finally make it to the huge log shaped opening leading to the lost woods.
"Oh Link, this is what you've been training for!" Navi chimed, "You're very first temple as the official Hero of Time!"
"Oh yeah . . ." Linda said dully, "douchebag monsters, timed puzzles, and ridiculous temples from here on out . . . fabulous."
"I wasn't talking to you." Navi said irritably.
Linda rolls her eyes at Navi and they head into the entrance of the Lost Woods. When the come out the other side though, they weren't exactly in the Lost Woods. They were on a huge ass balcony with scenery of an Arabian market. That's the best description my memory can come up with . . .
"This isn't the Lost Woods, where the hell are we?" Sage asked.
"Just, go jump off a balcony!" a womanly voice demanded.
"What bitch?!" Sage asked irritably while looking around to see who said that. Link pulled Sage behind a big plant that decorated the balcony and shushed her.
"What?!" The womanly voice asked. It only took our friends a few seconds to realize the woman was actually . . . Princess Ruto? And she was talking to a man standing next to the edge of the balcony.
"Uh, uh you're right," the man who looked a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio said, "You aren't just some prize to be won. You should be free to make your own choice."
"Oh shit there's a tiger!" Cheyenne squawked. She was about to fly out from behind the plant, but Link held her back. Luckily Leonardo or Ruto didn't hear her.
"I'll go now." Leonardo said before stepping off the balcony. Everyone behind the plant gasps.
"No!" Ruto shouts.
Leonardo's head pops up "What, what?!" He asks in a panic and looks around.
Ruto gives him an odd look "How . . ." she looks over the balcony, "How are you doing that?"
A carpet suddenly flies up to Ruto with Leonardo riding on top "It's a magic carpet." He explains.
"I've always wanted to ride on that carpet!" Linda shouted. This time Leonardo, Ruto, and tiger look at our friends.
"Nice going fat ass." Navi said.
"What the hell are you bastards doing here?" Ruto asked irritably. Our friends just stare at each other.
"Uh . . . we come from the Clean Carpet Society; also known as the KKS." Sage made up.
"Yeah, uh, we noticed one of our carpets were scheduled for cleaning and decided to personally come and pick it up." Stephanie added.
"But I was just about to take-" Leonardo tried to protest, but our friends ripped the carpet out from under him and jumped on, "Ouch!" he shouted as he fell to the floor.
"Well carpet sanitation is very important and shouldn't be taken lightly. We'll do you a favor and send it back to you when we're done." Linda said.
"Yeah, but-" Leonardo spoke.
"All right carpet, let's go!" Sage said.
The carpet didn't listen to them at first, but after being threatened by Links' sword it took them to the sky.
"Am I the only one freaked out by Leonardo DeCaprio and Ruto being in an Aladdin movie?" Cheyenne asked.
"Am I the only one pissed off by the fact that this was another Disney reference?" Stephanie asked irritably.
"I thought it was very educational." Linda said.
"You're a dumbass . . ." Stephanie responded.
"Look over there!" Navi said as she pointed to a huge log shaped opening floating in midair, "It looks just like the entrance to the Lost Woods."
"Then let's jump through." Link said.
"You heard the sexy man, throw us in there!" Linda ordered the carpet while tugging on one of the edges.
The carpet flew up to the log and did just as it was told. When they landed on the other side they noticed they were in a forest . . . a creepy forest. They looked at their surroundings; tall lifeless trees, sounds of bugs and owls in the distance, and the full moon which was their only source of light not counting Navi.
"Camp Crystal Lake . . ." Linda said.
"What about it? . . . Where are you?" Cheyenne asked.
"That's what this sign says 'Welcome to Camp Crystal Lake'." Linda replied.
"What sign? How can you read in the dark?" Link asked.
"Raccoon eyes." Linda said.
"Camp Crystal Lake; why does that sound familiar?" Sage asked.
"I don't know, but I'm scared." Cheyenne said.
"You can hide in my hat if you want." Link offered. Cheyenne flew in there without a second thought and Link chuckled, "It's not that bad."
"Oh yeah It's from Friday the 13th! It's that camp where Jason Voorhees drowned at, remember?" Stephanie said.
"Oh yeah . . ." Linda and Sage said in unison. They suddenly hear the sound of footsteps crunching leaves and huddle together.
"Tell me when it's over." Cheyenne whimpered as she clutched onto Links' hat.
As the sound gets closer their heartbeats begin to race. Each footstep seemed to draw out dread and curiosity from our friends. Just then, a figure came out from behind a tree and our friends jumped from the 'surprise'. Unfortunately it wasn't Jason; just the retired stuntwoman from the Gerudo desert who accidentally got her head stuck up her ass and now walks on one hand and foot that they encountered in the Dodongo's Cavern.
"THAT'S EVEN WORSE!" They all screamed.
They started running from her and she tried to keep up with them, but only walking on a hand and foot really limits a person. They hear her groaning and moaning as she tries to catch up to them, but that just creeps them out more. They finally come up to what looked like an abandoned cabin and tried to open the door.
"Hurry up open it she's coming!" Navi screamed.
Link was struggling with the doorknob "I'm trying dammit! It's locked!"
"Let's all try to ram the door open!" Sage said and they all nodded.
They all ram the door as hard as they can and it bursts open, but they weren't in an abandoned cabin. They were in some sort wheel house or in this case the bridge; like a control room on a ship, hint. For some strange reason the room was starting to fill up with water. Link looked out one of the many windows in the room and noticed there were many people running around the bow, or the front of the ship. That word kind of irritates me.
"There seems to be some sort of panic down there." Link said.
"If I'm reading this right, then the authoress is trying to hint to us that we're on the Titanic." Sage said.
"What's a Titanic?" Link asked.
"A huge ship." Linda replied.
"So?" Navi asked.
"A huge ship that's famous for sinking." Cheyenne said.
"Oh . . ." Link and Navi said, realizing the situation they're in.
"Being chased by a mutated Gerudo or being on a sinking ship." Stephanie said, comparing the two situations, ". . . honestly I'd rather be on the ship."
"If they had her in Friday the 13th instead of Jason, that movie would've been ten times creepier." Linda said. The other animals nodded.
SUDDENLY, the door they just came through burst open and a wave of water comes rushing in. Link used his shield to bust open one of the many windows and they climbed down to the bow. They ran towards the back end of the ship trying their best to avoid running into people. At this point the front of the ship began to sink causing the back side to rise out of the water. They managed to make it to the metal railing at the tip of the poop deck (tee hee) where they hold on for dear life.
"Don't let go Jack!" They heard a woman cry. The group looks over at the woman.
"Ugh! I thought we were done with this couple!" Stephanie cried.
"Well excuse me for being thrown in this un-amazing movie scenario. I mean, my costar isn't even an amazing hottie like my boyfriend back home." Malon argued.
"So Ingo's not here?" Link asked.
"Nope, just this weird guy in a mask." Malon said, motioning to the mystery man next to her, "They said I had to call him Jack."
"Jason Voorhees?!" The animals shouted. He brought out a hammer and started swinging it at our heroes.
"How many times do I have to tell you to watch out for my amazing face?!" Malon shouted before pushing Jason off the railing. Unfortunately for her, he managed to grab ahold of her arm as he was falling and took her down with him.
"That was easy." Sage said.
"Look, another log entrance thing!" Navi pointed out. They all look down towards the part of the ship that's sinking and sure enough there's a log shaped entrance about to sink with the ship.
"We have to slide down there." Link said.
"But Link, I'm scared!" Linda cried.
"Pussy . . ." Sage muttered.
"Shut up; just let me touch some ass dammit." Linda muttered back.
"It's okay, just hold on to me." Link said, not hearing what Sage and Linda said. And hold onto him she did, like super glue between two fingers; except it was more like Linda stuck to Links' ass.
With a deep breath they each let go of the railing and slid down towards the log. Just as they fall in, it began to fill up with ocean water. When they come out the other side they are finally in the Sacred Forest Meadow.
"Oh thank the Goddesses!" Navi shouted as she began kissing the ground.
"Stop doing that, it looks like you're humping the ground." Sage said.
"I don't even care! We're back where we belong!" Navi cried.
"Technically we're not." Stephanie said, pointing to her and her friends.
"Who gives a shit?" Navi said.
"Kiss my ass." Linda replied.
"Let's just keep going guys; I've had enough excitement for one day." Link said as he made his way to the green maze.
"This is just the beginning." Linda said.
"That's what I was afraid of." Link sighed.
"Link, be careful when going through the maze." Navi warned.
"Wait a minute, do you hear that?" Link asked.
"Ohohohohohoho!" a strange manly voice laughed. They all looked towards the entrance to the maze and see a big muscular man . . . in a pink tutu . . . imagine those moblin guys you would normally find in the maze.
"Was this chapter written by crack heads or something?!" Navi shouted irritably.
Nope, totally clean.
NEVER AGAIN will I try throwing them into old movies! I had a really hard time writing it, mostly because the last time i watched those movies were when I was a kid and I don't remember ANYTHING. So if there is anything wrong with those parts, I'M SORRY. Even when I went to google to help me with some minor details it was no good. For me to get the answers I was looking for I'd have to rewatch the movies!
Anyway, the last few pages of this ch. were frustrating and if you don't like it like I did then I don't blame you and I apologize.
WE'RE STAYING IN HYRULE GOD DAMMIT!
oh, and thank you for those who have reviewed. It means a lot to me!:D