"Then he told me I'd never get to see Boris ever again!" Saria finished telling her story with tears in her eyes. Link and Navi nodded sympathetically while the animals just looked at her like she was being a drama queen.
They've been in the Chamber of Sages for a good twenty minutes now, listening to Saria tell them about her adventures with her pet leaf named Boris. Once she finishes her story she gives Link the forest medallion. He graciously accepts it and smiles at Saria. Our heroes are then engulfed by light.
"Unfortunately Link, you're stuck in the friend zone." Saria stated as she faded away.
"What?" Link asked, confused.
"I think she said she wants your sticky calzone." Sage said.
"What?!" Link asked again.
"No I-" Saria tried to defend herself, but disappeared completely before she could.
They are suddenly transported in front of the dead great Deku Tree. Link notices a strange stub in the ground and kneels down to inspect it. The stub suddenly springs out, throwing Link back a few feet and revealing a small chunky ass tree. Cheyenne, Stephanie, and Navi scream from surprise.
"Holy Goddesses! Why would you suddenly do that?!" Navi shouted.
"It's just a natural reflex, I can't help It." the chunky ass tree replied.
"Look what you did to Link!" Navi shouted as she flew up to Link.
"I'm fine; it's nothing to worry about." Link reassured.
"It shouldn't have rudely popped out of the ground so suddenly! What if you had cracked your skull, or sprained your arm?!" Navi yelled, "Or what if you caught gonorrhea?!"
"What?!" The animals asked in shock.
"Does this mean trees rape people now?" Stephanie asked.
"Of course, haven't you ever seen The Evil Dead?" Sage asked.
"What are you idiots talking about? Gonorrhea is a serious head trauma." Navi explained.
"Well where we come from it means something completely different." Cheyenne said.
"Sometimes I feel like I have gonorrhea just from being around you idiots." Navi said.
"Never in my lifetime would I ever want to give you gonorrhea." Linda said with disgust.
"Can we just talk about something else?!" Sage shouted.
"Of course, but before we do let me introduce myself; I am the Deku Tree Sprout!" The sprout said happily.
"Oh, I'm Link." Link spoke with a small bow of his head, "this is my fairy, Navi, and these are my animal friends."
"Hey," The animals said in unison.
"It's a pleasure to meet you all." The Deku Tree Sprout said, "And I'm very excited that I get to tell you the story of your past."
Link looks at the sprout in confusion "My past? I grew up in the forest with the rest of the Kokiri."
"Haven't you noticed that you aged while the other Kokiri haven't?" the Deku Tree Sprout asked.
"Well . . . we haven't exactly stopped by any of the Kokiri's houses yet." Link said.
"Oh, well when you do you'll notice they haven't aged." The sprout said, "Anyway, I'm now going to reveal the truth about your past."
*Link's Past*
One day seventeen years ago, a man and woman decide to make crazy animal love in the guest room of the woman's parents' house. Conveniently, the parents and all the neighbors were gone so no one could hear them making the sex. Not long after, the woman found out she was pregnant and she was ecstatic! Unfortunately for the man, the woman's father was a knight and could easily beat him to a bloody pulp if he tried to run away. So the two of them got married and became a small family.
Sometime after their new baby boy was born a civil war broke out. The man thought this would be a great time to commit a family suicide and blame it on being attacked. He planned to do so by forcing his family in a carriage and telling them they were going to ride to the next town over for safety. The woman caught on to the man's evil scheme and vowed to protect her baby no matter what happened. Then came the day the man planned to commit the family suicide. Everything was going perfectly normal, but the woman noticed the man wasn't acting like himself so she was cautious. After they were far enough, The man whipped the horses until they were running as fast as they could. Finally, he steered the horses straight into a cliff! Before the carriage could smash into the cliff, the woman grabbed her baby and jumped out!
Unfortunately, the woman hit her head on a rock and it started bleeding; serious gonorrhea. Ignoring her own injuries, she checked her son to make sure he was okay. With one last look at her now squished beloved, she turned away and headed towards a nearby forest. As time went by she found it harder and harder to stay conscious. She came to a small clearing where she saw a huge tree with a mustache. The woman fell to her knees and begged the huge tree to watch over her son. The huge tree sensed great power emanating from the baby and agreed to take him in. the woman set her baby down on the ground and gave him one final kiss good-bye. The huge tree picked up the woman with one of his roots and threw her into a trash heap off to the side.
*Link in the Present*
"Well if you're like me and you don't like reading flashback bullshit that sometimes make the story even more confusing; then let me sum this up for you . . . uh . . ." Linda says as she flips through the script, "crazy animal sex, got it, civil war-blah blah blah . . . . Uh . . . Basically what I got from this is that Link's dad was an asshole and his mom was a clumsy bitch." She finished with a smile.
Everyone stared in bewilderment as the Deku Tree Scrub finished telling his story. The girls glance up at Link who looked like he just got punched in the gut.
"Wasn't that a lovely story?!" The Deku Tree Scrub shouted happily.
"How the hell is that lovely?!" Navi shouted.
"It's the Hero of Time's beginning, that's what makes the story lovely." The Deku Tree Scrub explained.
"Why the hell would you tell Link that story?!" Stephanie asked.
"Because it proves that he's a Hylian, not a Kokiri." The Deku Tree Scrub said.
"I think . . . it's time to go." Link said as he began to walk away. They all watch as he stumbles off.
Linda glares at the Deku Tree Scrub "You're a piece of wooden shit! When I get my human body back I'm chopping you down and making you into a wood carving of an ASS!"
The animals glare at the scrub before stomping off angrily. Navi gives the scrub a disapproving look and floats after the animals.
"I can't believe he told Link that story!" Stephanie yelled as they walked out of the Great Deku Tree area.
"Well . . . It's better than letting Link live a lie." Cheyenne said.
"But he didn't have to tell the story with a smile!" Linda shouted.
"Look, what's done is done, right now we need to concentrate on where Link ran off to and make sure he's okay." Navi said. The animals nodded and started looking around the Kokiri forest for Link.
After not finding Link in any of the Kokiri huts, they decide to leave the Kokiri forest to see if he's out in Hyrule field. Which they do, he's petting Epona and waiting for his friends.
"Link . . . are you okay?" Navi asks as they approach him.
". . . I guess . . . things could be worse." Link said with a sigh before mounting Epona, "So where do we have to go next?"
"Don't you want to talk about it?" Cheyenne asked.
"No, I'd rather not." Link said.
"Wouldn't you feel better if you did?" Stephanie asked.
"No, let's go." Link said, a little irritated.
"I could hold your face and stroke your ears while you cry into my chest." Linda suggested.
"Don't make his sad life awkward." Sage said, "Though I suppose you've already done that many times already."
The girls look at each other worriedly before climbing on to Epona. Link commands Epona to go and they ride off towards the next temple; which is the fire temple in the volcano. By the time they got to Kakariko village it was in the middle of the afternoon. Not much was going on there besides the occasional lousy street performer throwing their balls around. They reached the Death Mountain trail and followed the trail in awkward silence. They enter Goron City only to find it looking like a ghost town.
"This place really took a turn for the worst over the years, hasn't it?" Navi said.
"I think that could be said for all of Hyrule." Stephanie pointed out.
"Maybe that thing can help us." Link said while pointing to a rolling goron.
"Oh yeah, if you hit him with a bomb he should stop." Sage said.
"Well of course he would stop, he'd blow up!" Navi said.
"He's a rock, he'll be okay." Linda said, waving off the subject.
"I don't think that's very nice." Stephanie said.
"But it's essential to get through the fire temple." Linda said, "So go ahead and do it Link."
Link pulls out a bomb, lights it, and then throws it at the goron. The bomb hits the goron, but bounces off its rock hard body and flies back towards our heroes. They all gasp and run way before the bomb goes off in their faces. The bomb explodes and they watch the goron roll by like the blast was nothing.
"You're going to have to time it right so that the bomb explodes right as the goron passes it." Sage said.
"You should've said that the first time." Navi said irritably.
"Just be happy I'm helping, stupid fairy." Sage said.
A few bombs and three exploding injuries later, the goron has finally stopped. It unrolls itself and glares at our heroes, but is shaking violently so they can already tell it's a coward.
"Ganondorf's minions shall not pass!" It squeaked, "I, Lawrence, am protector of these parts and will let no one push us around!"
"Well Lawrence, it seems all your people have been either kidnapped or killed so you're not exactly doing a good job." Linda said.
"Hey . . . it's a very demanding job and I'm still trying to get the hang of it." Lawrence said with teary eyes.
"And you're doing a great job, she just has something stuck up her ass; don't listen to her." Navi said in a motherly tone.
"At least I don't crush innocent children's dreams and spit in baby's food." Linda said.
"You're one sick freak." Sage said to Navi while shaking her head in disapproval.
"Both of you can go straight to hell." Navi said irritably.
"Been there, done that; wasn't impressed." Sage said indifferently. Linda nodded in agreement.
"Well this one time, at Rock camp, my friends and I were trying to eat a spicy rock but it was-" Lawrence started.
"Yeah kid, nice story." Sage interrupted. Lawrence looks over at Sage with teary eyes.
"And I'm the one that crushes innocent children's dreams?" Navi asked sarcastically.
"Can you tell us why you're the only Goron here?" Link asked, changing the subject.
Lawrence looked up at Link "Ganondorf sent them all to the volcano to be eaten by Volvagia, the subterranean lava dragon that he revived." He looks to the ground with sorrowful eyes "Now there are only two of us left."
Cheyenne glances around "You say that, but I only see one of you."
"The other one is the shopkeeper." Lawrence said.
"Oh, well he's not important so tell us more about the dragon." Sage said, waving off the subject of the shopkeeper.
"Well, he was defeated once by the Goron's special crop a long time ago." Lawrence said.
"Are you saying he choked on corn?" Stephanie asked.
"If it's a Goron related thing, I would guess that it was a rock or something." Cheyenne replied.
"It's a hammer." Sage and Linda said in unison.
"What? That makes no sense, what does a hammer have to do with a crop; or Gorons for that matter?" Cheyenne asked.
"It doesn't, but has anything we've gone through so far made any sense?" Sage asked.
"I guess you're right." Cheyenne said.
"What exactly is this special crop?" Stephanie asked.
"We just told you it was a hammer." Linda said irritably.
"I know but I just can't accept that it's a hammer!" Stephanie shouted.
"I could care less if you accept it or not, it is what it is!" Linda shouted back.
"With that matter aside, what if we go save the other Gorons for you; would you stop crying?" Link asked Lawrence.
Lawrence gives Link a questionable look before letting out a sigh "I'm not crying because I'm sad they're gone." He looks back up at Link with a glare "I'm crying because that bastard Neal didn't return my paddle ball before he was taken to the volcano. I'm glad those assholes are going to die, they deserve it for stealing all my favorite toys." he begins to walk away but turns back around and throws a red tunic at Link "but since you're hell bent on rescuing everyone you'll need that to survive inside the volcano."
They watch as the goron curls back up into a ball and rolls away. Link looks at his newly acquired attire and smiles.
"Why don't you take your tunic off Link?" Linda asks with a smile.
"And try on your new one." Stephanie added.
"Nah, you don't have to do that if you don't want to." Linda said.
"Go ahead and change your clothes around that corner Link, we'll stay here." Sage said. Link goes around the corner while the other girls glare at Linda.
"Like you didn't want to see him tunic-less." Linda said in defense.
"Either way, at least we got him the fire tunic and we're ready to go into the volcano." Sage said.
"How do we get in to the volcano?" Navi asked.
"There's a short-cut behind Darunia's throne thing." Linda said.
"Do you think we'll be able to survive inside the volcano? I mean, Link's the only one with a fire resistant outfit." Stephanie pointed out.
"Yeah, now that you mention it we'd all turn into a bunch of roasted animals." Sage said.
"I think Steph would be the only decent meal out of all of us though." Linda added.
"Yeah, I've never eaten a roasted parakeet before." Cheyenne said.
"Are you insinuating that you've eaten roasted duck, raccoon, and rat before?" Sage asked.
"Of course not! Well, I have eaten roasted duck before, but the other two is just sick." Cheyenne said with disgust.
"Whatever, I would taste good and you know it." Linda said.
"Oh please, raccoon is one of those things a person would eat if they were in a life or death situation." Sage said.
"Well so is a rat!" Linda argued.
"Can we please not talk about us being roasted?" Stephanie pleaded.
"What do you guys think?" Link asked as he walked up to them in his red tunic.
"If I were human right now I'd rip those clothes off and have my way with you." Linda said.
"Too much information Linda." Stephanie said with disgust.
"Ugh, thank god this isn't a pornographic fanfic . . ." Cheyenne said.
"Nipples!" Linda yelled.
"Uh . . . I'm going to pretend like I never heard any of your conversation just now." Link said, "Also, I overheard you guys talking about a secret entrance behind Darunia's throne." he said, changing the subject.
"Yeah, it's a secret entrance to get inside the volcano." Sage said.
"Then let's go." Link said.
They make their way to Darunia's room where Link spends a good ten minutes moving the throne. Once inside, they walk to the lower area until they are stopped by a broken bridge. The animals hang onto Link as he Hooshots them across the gap. Before they could go any further, Sheik jumps in front of them wearing another ridiculous outfit.
"Oh! I know this one! You're monkey man right?!" Linda shouted with excitement.
Sheik looks at himself before looking back at the group with a confused look "These are my pajamas . . ."
"But you look like monkey man from Hey Arnold." Linda said.
"She's right; you do look like monkey man." Sage agreed.
"What's a monkey man?" Link asked.
"Sheik, apparently." Stephanie replied.
"These are my pajamas!" Sheik shouted.
"What the hell are you doing running around in your pajamas?" Navi asked.
Sheik glares at our heroes "I have been waiting at the temple of time for almost two days waiting for you guys!"
"That doesn't answer my question." Navi said.
"You were supposed to go back and learn the Prelude of Light from me back at the temple of time before coming here!" Sheik shouted.
"Still doesn't answer my question." Navi said.
"So we're doing things a little out of order, big deal." Sage said indifferently.
"Well if that's how you're going to be then I'm not teaching you the Bolero of Fire until you go and learn the Prelude of Light." Sheik said while crossing his arms stubbornly.
"Like hell we are! You better teach Link the Bolero of Fire before I kick your ass!" Sage shouted.
"That doesn't scare me, how much damage can a small rat do?" Sheik said.
Link holds Sage back before she jumps at Sheik "Can you tell us why we have to learn the Prelude of Light first?"
"Because that's the order you're supposed to do it in." Sheik replied.
"But we're already here and it'd be too much trouble-" Link started.
"I'm not teaching you the Bolero of Fire until you learn the Prelude of Light." Sheik said stubbornly while turning his back towards them.
Link sighs in defeat "Fine, we'll see you back at the Temple of Time." He turns to walk away.
"Okay see you later!" Sheik says with a bright smile that quickly turns into a glare "And don't even think about going through the fire temple without learning the Bolero of Fire."
"That wouldn't be a problem if you just taught it to us asshole." Sage said irritably while glaring at Sheik.
Sheik smiles and waves good-bye as the group Hookshots back over to the other side and exits the volcano. An hour later they're making their way through Kakariko village with a scowl etched on their faces.
"I can't believe that bastard didn't teach us the song." Sage seethed.
"I can't believe he was wearing his pajamas." Navi said.
"I think this would be a good time for a 'I can't believe it's not butter' reference, don't' you think?" Stephanie asked.
"I was about to say it before you went and ruined it." Linda said irritably.
"I had to." Stephanie said with a smirk.
"Well I guess there's no point in complaining since we would eventually need to learn that song anyway." Link said, trying to look at the bright side of things.
"But it wouldn't have made a difference if we learned it after we were done with the fire temple." Sage said.
"Yeah, especially since we never used that one song Sheik taught Link in the forest." Navi said.
"I'm sure Sheik has his reasons for all of this." Link said.
"If it's just for his amusement I'm going to rip his eyes out." Sage said.
"Well look at what we have here!" An all too familiar, annoying voice said.
The group slowly turns towards the bomb brothers with unhappy expressions. Not much has changed with the bomb brothers; they still got their crazy hairdos. But of course over seven years they've grown some more facial hair and whatnot.
"I really don't need this right now . . ." Sage mumbled.
"None of you woodland creatures have changed a bit." Damien said a little bewildered "But Link, my goddesses, look at you! You're all big and manly now!"
"Oh, thank you." Link said a little embarrassed.
"So what have you toddlers been up to?" Ted asked.
"Not that it's any of your business but Link has been busy saving Hyrule." Navi said.
"Oh really; you planning to go up against that tyrant Ganondorf and get rid of all these ugly monsters?! Will that be your first big boy mission?" Damien teased. He and Ted begin laughing.
"If I remember correctly you guys had some sort of mission to blow up Goron city but I don't remember that ever happening." Sage argued.
"Weren't you guys the ones that didn't want us doing that?" Ted asked.
"Yeah, but I don't remember us ever stopping you." Sage said.
"Well if it makes you feel any better we blew up some of Dodongo's cavern." Damien said.
"Yeah, while we were in it!" Cheyenne shouted.
Damien shrugs "Shit happens."
"We're happy you guys are alive and well, but we're kind of busy so we'll see you guys some other time." Link said while waving good-bye.
"Good-bye." Ralph said.
"Ralph, just so you know, you're the only one I like out of the three of you." Linda said as they walked away.
"Yeah, we think you're a bitch too." Damien replied.
"I'm going to pretend like you don't exist." Linda said.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, I completely forgot about the bomb brothers until just a few days ago. I wasn't sure if I wanted to kill them off or something; obviously I ended up not doing so, but either way, whatever. Anyway, after about three hours of walking through Hyrule field they finally make it to the broken drawbridge leading to Hyrule market. As usual the market was a redead filled dead town with loud moaning and groaning dead things. They run to the temple of time where creepy monks begin to hum a tune.
"Damn it, now I'm going to get that song stuck in my head." Sage said.
"I don't remember there ever being music played around here." Link said.
"I don't remember there ever being monks following us around either." Cheyenne said while eyeing the humming monks behind them.
"Just ignore them, they'll eventually get tired and stop." Stephanie said.
"Play that funky music white boy-" Linda sang.
"Don't even start." Navi warned as they entered the back room of the temple.
Sheik was standing next to the pedestal of time; still wearing his pajamas, "Fancy meeting you here." He said with a smile.
"You bitch!" Sage screamed as she jumped at him and started clawing his face.
"Pull his hair!" Linda shouted.
"Okay Sage, you can stop now!" Link said as he pulled Sage off Sheik's face. Sheik falls back and clutches his face.
"I hope you're happy, now he's not going to teach Link the Prelude of Light." Navi said.
"He better teach Link that song if he knows what's good for him." Sage said.
"Of course I'll still teach Link the song! But you have to stay away from me!" Sheik shouted from behind his hands.
"As long as we see eye to eye." Sage said with a smirk. Link gives Sage a disapproving look and sets her down next to the rest of the animals. He turns to Sheik and helps him off the ground.
Sheik brings out his harp while Link brings out his ocarina "Now then, if you are ever in a hurry to come back here then this song will warp you to the warping spot in the front of the temple." He said then began teaching Link the Prelude of Light.
"I'm hungry." Linda stated.
"What else is new . . ." Navi said irritably.
"When's the last time we ate?" Stephanie asked.
"Hell if I know, the authoress hasn't been keeping track of that kind of stuff." Sage replied.
"Fortunately for me, fairies don't need food." Navi bragged.
"UN-fortunately for you, we've been plotting a way to 'accidentally' have you killed." Sage said.
Navi rolled her eyes "And exactly how long have you been plotting this evil scheme?"
"Um . . . about ten minutes now." Linda said. Sage nodded.
"We have a few ideas, but I think our top choice would have to be covering you in Vaseline and shoving you up Steph's ass." Sage said.
Stephanie looks at Sage with wide eyes "Like hell you are."
"Don't worry; you'll be asleep when this happens." Sage reassured.
"Like hell I am!" Stephanie shouted.
"Am I the only one still freaked out about the humming monks?" Cheyenne asked. The other girls looked behind them at the monks and shrugged.
So if you don't read those weird update things on my profile page then you don't know that I found a job and had to push back last weeks update to . . . yesterday? or whatever it said. So yeah, I work at Arby's now, DON'T go there cause I don't like customers. Anyway, my schedule is kind of weird with school and work so the 'new chapter ever tuesday' thing may or may not stick. I'll try to keep it that way but if I feel like I will miss a deadline I'll say so on my profile page.
So yeah, see you next Tuesday... maybe. BYE!