Hey kids! Have you ever fallen down a flight of stairs while eating nachos and pickle juice?! . . . Then after crawling your way to the phone you realize ten of your fingers popped off and you no longer have a head full of hair?! Me neither! Now let's get back to the story!
"Brother! You're a real man now!" Darunia shouted happily.
"Yeah that's because of me." Linda said.
Darunia ignores Linda "Let me give you this medallion proving your manhood!"
"Thank you." Link said as Darunia throws a red medallion at his face.
"Next time don't kill one of my other Goron brethren when you're trying to save them." Darunia said.
"Luckily for us there won't be a next time." Sage said.
"Can we go now? I have to poop." Linda said.
And with that, our friends were flashed out of there and back in the mountain crater where they learned the Bolero of Fire from Sheik. Navi started flying around Link's head annoyingly.
"Link! I feel a polar wind coming from-"
"Your mother's ass crack!" Sage interrupted.
"No!" Navi shouted.
"Barnaby Jones!" Linda shouted.
"Who the hell is that?" Cheyenne asked.
"A very old TV show . . . I honestly don't know why I know this . . ." Linda said.
"Anyway," Navi interrupted, "I feel a polar wind coming from Zora's Domain."
"How can you feel a polar wind when we're in a volcano?" Sage asked.
"Because I'm a magical fairy!" Navi shouted.
"Before we venture off towards fishville, we need to have Link go see another Great Fairy." Linda said.
"She won't be naked this time, will she?" Stephanie asked.
"Hey! Our race is the only race beautiful enough to go around nude!" Navi said.
"Like hell you guys are." Linda said.
"And unfortunately you're not the only race going around nude." Sage added.
"Oh yeah, those fish and rock things walk around naked too." Stephanie said.
"Goddesses! I hate traveling with you morons!" Navi shouted.
They made their way across the broken bridge and towards the direction of the Great Fairy. They had Link smash some boulders with his ULTIMATE DOOMSDAY HAMMER and clear the entrance to the Great Fairy's lair. They walk inside where Link whips out his ocarina and does the usual 'gotta get that crazy fairy bitch out' routine. After a few seconds a loud screech is heard throughout the room and the Great Fairy pops out of her fountain; when she realizes just who her guests are her face turns sour.
"What the hell do you guys want now?" The Great Fairy asked.
"I think you give Link an upgrade or something." Linda said.
The Great Fairy rolls her eyes "I would give him a magic upgrade, but with you guys around I'm not exactly in the mood to do so."
"We ain't leaving bitch . . ." Sage said.
"Having us around shouldn't make a difference." Cheyenne said.
"I don't want you idiots around when I give him the upgrade! You'll just make fun of me or something!" The Great fairy said.
"We can't help it if your vines unravel and show us your slutty side." Stephanie said.
"Link won't get a magic upgrade because of you and your impotence!" The Great Fairy shouted.
"I had no idea we were impotent . . ." Linda said.
"I'd rather that damn fairy not talk about something like that out in the open." Sage said.
"She is a slut." Stephanie pointed out.
"Oh Goddesses! You know what I mean!" The Great Fairy shouted; a little embarrassed from her mistake.
"Why don't we just go so this slu- I mean fairy can do whatever she has to do and we can leave this place?" Cheyenne suggested. The animals look at each other for a few seconds before rolling their eyes and nodding. They turn around and walk out of the Great Fairy's lair.
The Great Fairy clears her throat and smiles at Link "Now let's continue."
"I have a question." Link stated.
"What is it?" The Great Fairy asked.
"I'm not entirely sure what impotence means, so can-"
"Ugh! You've got to be kidding me, you're an adult but you don't know what that means?!" The Great Fairy shouted.
"I've got the mind setting of a ten year old, it's not my fault." Link retorted.
" . . . Here's your magic upgrade." The Great Fairy said before spreading her legs and having magic shoot out at Link. Ew.
"What'd you do?" Link asked, not feeling any different.
"I made it so you could use more magic." The Great Fairy stated.
"I never really used magic to begin with so I'm not sure if this is something I would find useful." Link said.
The Great Fairy looks at Link irritably "You better make use of it or me embarrassing myself in front of your retarded friends was all for nothing."
"Well that's not my fault." Link said innocently.
The Great Fairy glares at Link "Get your pasty white ass OUT OF HERE!"
"But you still haven't explained to me what impotence means." Link said.
*The Animals*
They were right outside the Great Fairy's lair waiting for Link.
"Then I look at her and say 'Hey ho! Don't make me go over there and bust a cap in yo ass!'" Sage said, finishing up a story; the other animals chuckle.
"It's funny because you say it like some white girl!" Linda shouted.
An explosion is heard and Link flies out of the lair. He lands face first into the ground in front of the animals.
"Please tell me you at least got the magic upgrade." Stephanie said.
Link lifts his head out of the ground and spits dirt out of his mouth "Yeah . . . at least."
Navi shakes her head disapprovingly "I seriously think you should consider ditching these horrible influences."
"I didn't think I was offensive at all, I was just curious." Link said.
"God damn it Link, if you wanted to see her naked all you had to do was wait till she bent over . . ." Sage said.
"Link's not some pervert Sage." Cheyenne said.
"He probably wanted to know why fairies were so useless." Linda said.
"Actually, I wanted to know what impotence means." Link said. The animals stare at Link blankly.
"Oh shit, look at the time; let's get the hell out of here!" Linda said. The animals hurriedly leave the volcano with Link reluctantly trailing behind them.
"What's so bad about telling Link what impotence means?" Stephanie asked as they reentered Darunia's room.
"If you want to explain it to him, fine, go ahead." Sage said.
Link looks at Stephanie expectantly and she sighs "All right, if you really want to know . . . it means 'having some sort of erectile dysfunction' in most cases it refers to men. Some people use that phrase for women, but usually the term sexual dysfunction is used."
"What does erectile dysfunction mean?" Link asked.
"What the hell did Rauru teach you in the Sacred Realm?!" Sage shouted.
"It's not like he was worried about Link getting intimate with anyone while on his quest to save Hyrule." Cheyenne explained.
"Yeah, but he could've at least taught him some of the basic stuff! This kid's probably walking around thinking he was born from a tree or something!" Sage shouted.
"I wasn't?" Link asked. The animals glare at Link.
"Navi, you want to explain the birds and the bees to Link? You know, since you're his guide and all." Sage said.
"Sure," Navi said before turning to Link "You see Link; birds are animals that fly and lay eggs while bees are nasty bugs that collect hone-"
"Very funny, now tell him what we're really talking about." Sage said.
"What do you mean? I am telling him what it is." Navi said irritably.
"I guess since retardism runs in the fairy family we'll have to explain it to him." Linda said.
Sage nodded "Well this one time when we were walking down a street back home, we saw some strange foreplay going on through somebody's window. You'd think they'd close the curtains because there were kids living right across from them, but I guess those kids got to learn some things a bit early. Anyway, the woman was wearing a slutty version of Abraham Lincoln's outfit and the dude was-"
"Oh god! I remember that!" Cheyenne shouted, "Don't tell him that story!"
"But it's the only G-rated way I can explain to him what the birds and the bees are." Sage said.
"There's nothing G-rated about that story!" Cheyenne shouted.
"Fine, I'll tell him!" Stephanie shouted, "Link you weren't born from a tree! A man and a woman had sex then a sperm cell and an egg were combined to form you in the woman's reproductive organs! Then when you were fully developed the woman went into painful labor to push your cone head out!"
Link and Navi give Stephanie a blank stare. The animals sigh in frustration and continue to leave Goron city.
"I can't believe even Navi doesn't know what sex is." Cheyenne said.
"We were never taught anything like that in the forest! Just so you know, the only inhabitants there were children!" Navi argued.
"They had to come from somewhere." Stephanie said.
"Yeah, the Great Deku tree created them with his all mighty leaves." Linda said sarcastically.
"Actually, they were made from his tree sap." Navi corrected.
"No wonder they all smell weird." Linda said.
"That could be caused by the lack of good hygiene rather than being made from tree sap." Cheyenne said.
"I don't want to hear that coming from you dirty ass animals." Navi said.
"We're animals; nobody cares what we smell like." Cheyenne said.
"Can we just drop the subject and go on?" Link asked.
They all agreed and continued down Death Mountain. As they reached Kakariko village the sun began to rise and a wave of drowsiness hits them right in the face. They pass Claude's house and after much begging, the animals convince Link to ask Claude for a place to stay for sleep and food. Link sighs as he walks up to Claude's front door and knocks. After a few minutes, Claude groggily opens the door in a robe and face mask on.
"You remind me of my grandma." Linda said. Just then Claude squeals with delight, causing everyone to jump in surprise.
"I haven't seen you guys in forever!" Claude said happily; giving everyone a hug.
"Didn't we see you a few days ago?" Stephanie asked.
"I don't know, the authoress forgot whether or not she had us meet before you went up Death Mountain so I'm just acting like this to be sure." Claude explained.
"Well it's great to see you Claude." Link said.
"And it's so great to see you again Link." Claude said while eyeing Link up and down.
"Back off, I called dibs." Linda said.
Claude rolls his eyes "So, you guys looking for a place to stay or are you just here for my face?"
"I would say both, but your face isn't exactly what I was hoping for." Sage said.
"Oh yeah, sorry," Claude said as he moved aside to let them in "I put this mask on at night to keep my skin young and beautiful. Being a waiter and all really takes the life out of a man. I'll never find a boyfriend if I look like a troll."
"Hey that's what Navi says to herself every night." Linda said. Navi glares at her.
"We know this guy named Sheik that we can introduce you to. He's kind of a mask fanatic as well . . . though it's more like a hijab." Sage said.
After Claude showed no interest in meeting Sheik, he got dressed and was off to work; mask not included of course. Our heroes slept most of the day, and when they weren't sleeping they were eating. Claude came back late that night and they used that chance to sort of tell some stories before going back to bed. Claude was gone when they all woke up the next morning. They found a note on the dinner table explaining to them that he had to go to work early. They wrote a reply telling him thanks and whatnot before heading off towards Zora's river.
"I feel like the story is being rushed." Cheyenne stated.
"It's not like anything interesting happened at Claude's house." Stephanie said.
"Not only that, but the authoress doesn't want this to be a lame 'just about sex and rambling' chapter." Sage said.
"Is it getting colder, or is it just me?" Link asked as they walked along Zora's river.
"I feel fine." Linda said.
"That's because your super ton blubber keeps you at a good temperature." Navi teased.
"Actually it's probably because your super ton bitch rays are keeping me warm." Linda said.
"You should be thanking me then." Navi said.
"What is this stuff?" Link asked as fluffy white balls started falling from the sky.
"Snow, or frozen water." Stephanie explained.
"That means we're getting closer to Zora's domain." Sage said.
"If it's snowing there I'm not going." Cheyenne said.
"What if it were frozen over?" Sage asked.
"Then I'm going back to Kakariko." Cheyenne answered.
"I doubt it'd be frozen over, she's probably just pulling your talon." Navi said.
They get to the entrance and Link plays Zelda's lullaby to slow down the waterfall. They jump in and walk into the domain. When they get inside everything is covered in cold ice covered pudding. Mmm.
"Pudding?!" The animals questioned.
"At least it's not frozen over." Link said, looking at the bright side of things.
"What the hell! It's supposed to be frozen!" Sage shouted.
"Why?" Navi asked.
"Because that's what my animal senses told me! I mean, it was snowing just a while ago wasn't it?!" Sage shouted.
"I kind of like this scenario better." Linda said, licking some pudding off the walls.
"Me too, at least this way we won't be freezing our asses off." Cheyenne said.
"Sure, but where are all the Zora folk?" Stephanie asked.
"Bet you five bucks they all got diabetes and died." Sage said.
"Can fish get diabetes?" Linda asked.
"If they can, you know King Zora has been having troubles with it for eve-." Sage started.
"King Zora!" Link interrupted before running up the staircase leading to the King.
"No need to be too concerned, it's not like it'll be anything serious." Stephanie said.
"He could be dead." Cheyenne pointed out.
"He is dead!" Stephanie shouted.
"Oh yeah . . ." Cheyenne realized.
When Link got up the stairs he saw that the dead King was still in the same position from seven years ago. Not only that, but he was frozen in a block of pickle juice! The animals catch up to Link and look disgusted when they see the King.
"Why the hell is his dead frozen carcass still here?" Sage asked.
"Why does it seem like he's glaring at us?" Cheyenne asked suspiciously.
"I'm more concerned about the pickle juice." Stephanie said.
"How do we get him unfrozen?" Link asked.
"Like it matters." Sage said.
"Maybe we should ask Princess Ruto." Navi suggested.
"Do you know where she is?" Link asked.
"No, but maybe she got eaten by Lord Jabu Jabu again." Navi said.
Link nodded and turned to his companions "Let's go outside."
"Are we leaving the King here?" Stephanie asked.
"Just for a little bit, we'll figure out what to do with him after we find Ruto." Link replied.
"I would say the key to finding her is in a cave outside, but I don't even know if that's true anymore." Linda said.
"Take us to the cave anyway, just in case." Link said.
They walk outside to Zora's fountain where instead of water there's pickle juice and instead of floating ice bergs there's floating cardboard boxes. They all look at the boxes with puzzled expressions.
"How exactly are we supposed to make it to the cave if all that's supporting us is cardboard?" Navi asked.
"For one, you can fly so you have nothing to worry about, and two, shut your damn mouth!" Linda shouted.
"Maybe we can swim across." Stephanie suggested before Navi and Linda could argue again.
"I don't know about you, but I'd rather not smell like pickle juice. Also, the cave is too high for us to reach in the water." Sage said.
"Maybe if we run across the boxes fast enough we can reach the cave without sinking." Cheyenne suggested.
"I doubt that would work." Link said.
"Why don't we use King Zora as a raft?" Linda asked.
"What, how could you even suggest something like that?!" Navi shouted.
"Then you come up with something better!" Linda shouted back.
"This may sound bad, but I kind of like that idea." Link said.
"Link! That's cruel and disrespectful to the dead!" Navi shouted.
"He won't feel it." Sage pointed out.
"And besides, the key to unfreeze him is in that cave." Linda said.
"Not like it matters or anything, but whatever." Stephanie said.
"Come on Navi, we'll be careful, I promise." Link persuaded.
Navi sighed in defeat "fine, but you better put him back when you're done." Navi said.
They all go back in and slide the King-sicle outside and gently push him into the pickle juice; face down so they couldn't see his dead face. Link goes to retrieve an unlit torch from inside the domain and uses it as an oar. It only took them a few minutes to get to the cave, but they didn't know what to do with the King . . . so they just left him there.
"I'm a little afraid to go inside." Cheyenne said.
"I'm a little afraid of what the Zora King's spirit will do to us when we're sleeping at night." Navi said.
"Pussy." Linda said.
"Besides Navi's paranoia, you're more than welcome to stay with the King; make sure he doesn't float away on us." Sage said.
"I'm not that scared." Cheyenne said.
They enter the cave and so far it was a normal snow covered maze just like in the game. They get to the room with the Spike Trap circling the room and three Freezards. After explaining to Link what they were and how to kill them, the animals just sat back and watched.
"I kind of feel bad just having Link do all the work." Stephanie said.
"Yeah, I feel like we're just extra baggage or something." Cheyenne said.
"I don't care what you say, I'm never leaving Link." Linda said.
"Run!" Sage shouted.
They look up and see the spike trap circling towards them! Stephanie and Cheyenne flew off while Sage and Linda tried scurrying away. Unfortunately the two of them slipped on the ice and fell on their faces! But because I can't have them die just yet, let's have a stalactite fall from the ceiling and block them. The spike trap bounces off the stalactite and flies towards Link! He was quick to react and bring up his shield to deflect the spike which then landed in a pile of snow.
"Normally it wouldn't do that, right?" Linda asked.
"Yeah, but there's nothing normal about this world; at least not anymore." Sage said.
"Are you guys okay?" Link asked.
"Look what we got!" Cheyenne shouted.
"What?" Link asked.
"A sleigh." Cheyenne replied.
"A sleigh?" They all asked.
"Yeah, we can use this to slide around this cavern. It might make the trip easier . . . or something." Cheyenne said.
"Wooh! Less walking!" Sage cheered.
"How are we all going to fit on that?" Stephanie asked.
"Link can sit on it then the rest of us can just sit on him." Cheyenne suggested.
"Oh! I call Link's lap!" Linda shouted.
"I don't know, it sounds like a lot more trouble than it should be." Link said.
"No it's not, check this out!" Linda shouted.
Linda jumped on the spike trap and, with the help of her animal friends, pushed off towards an open hallway. But of course, instead of going down said hallway she headed towards a wall! JUST THEN! A giant one-eyed pudding raptor head came out of the wall and used its mega stinky breath to blast Linda back across the room! I'm just kidding; Sheik fell from the ceiling again wearing a Reptar costume. The spike trap hit him in the ankle and he cried on the ground in agonizing pain.
"Are you okay Sheik?" Link asked as they ran to his aid.
"I . . . I can't feel my feet! Oh goddesses this hurts so badly! What did I do to deserve this?! I didn't want this! I didn't want this!" Sheik kept repeating that last part as he cried.
"Let's get him out of this ridiculous costume." Navi said. They all nodded and continued to strip Sheik of the bulky outfit.
"NO! Don't move me! Just leave me here to die that's all I'm good for now!" Sheik cried.
"Don't talk like that!" Link shouted, "We're going to get you out of here and we're going to get you to a doctor!"
Sheik clutched onto Link's shoulder "I don't deserve a friend like you . . . Just save everyone else; it's too late for me!"
"Sheik it's not too-" Link started.
"Oh just shut up! You're going to be fine; you weren't even hit by a spike! You're ankle is probably sprained but that's about it! Now take that damn costume off you look like an idiot!" Sage shouted.
Sheik looked up at Link with hopeful eyes "Really? I'm going to be fine?" Link nods his head and cheerful tears begin to run down Sheik's face "Thank the Goddesses! All my wishes have been granted!"
"I'm not sure how we're supposed to take that." Cheyenne said; looking over at her animal friends who just shrug.
"Can we take your outfit off now? It'll probably be easier on your ankle." Link said.
"No, this is the only thing keeping me warm. I don't want my ankle to freeze and break off!" Sheik said.
"Actually, ice is good for a sprained ankle; it numbs it." Stephanie said.
"Can I keep it on if I say it's my favorite outfit?" Sheik asked. Everyone rolls their eyes.
"If it means that much to you, you can keep it on, but you'll have to stay here and wait for us to finish exploring this cavern." Link said.
"No!" Sheik protested, "The authoress said there were one-eyed pudding raptors in here; I don't want to be here when those things get hungry. . . I don't even know what those are."
"There are no monsters in here, I killed them already." Link said.
Sheik held onto Link's collar "Please Link, don't leave me here to die, I'm too young to die. We're friends right? You wouldn't leave a friend behind, right?"
"Didn't he say he wanted to die earlier?" Cheyenne asked.
"He was probably just rambling since he thought he was going to die." Stephanie said.
Link sighed "All right, you can come with us. But we're bringing you back here if you get hurt more."
"Don't worry, I'm not accident prone." Sheik said confidently.
"You probably just jinxed yourself." Sage said.
"Am I the only one dreading the fact that we'll have to drag him and his costume along with us?" Stephanie asked irritably.
"Here Sheik, use my shoulder as support." Link offered. Sheik smiled and put an arm around Link's shoulder.
"But of course nobody was listening." Stephanie said.
"I heard you," Linda said, "but I don't really care."
"Of course . . ." Stephanie replied.
As they continued through the cavern the air seemed to get colder and Sheik seemed to be getting heavier. Link was struggling under the pressure Sheik was putting on him, but he kept going since he was a good friend and all. They encountered their first blue fire room; with the platforms, the freezards, and the ice keese. Link sits Sheik up against the wall and asks the animals to stay with him while he goes to get some fire.
"He's such a good friend." Sheik said dreamily as he watches Link climb platforms and whatnot.
"You keep your hands off him; he's mine." Linda said irritably.
"I just thought of this, but when are you going to teach Link the Serenade of Water?" Sage asked Sheik.
"Uh . . . Well normally I was going to wait until Link got a hold of the iron boots to actually reveal myself, but of course you know how that turned out so . . . I still wanted to wait until then." Sheik explained.
"If you didn't know all the songs to the temples, I would've kicked your ass by now." Sage said.
"You kind of already did." Cheyenne pointed out.
"Oh yeah . . ." Sage said with a smirk.
The ground starts to rumble and they all look up at Link who's fighting off three white wolfos. They try to rush after him but the ground capsizes and they're all sent plunging into nothingness!
I guess I should stop giving you empty promises about posting a chapter every tuesday. Honestly I tried at first, but at the most random of times I'll get writer's block and it'll just mess with me! So I apologize, but I will continue the story until the end, that is a definite promise I can keep. So no chapter every tuesday, but there will be updates when a chapter is written.
I hope that makes sense... anyway, was I the only one that thought it was weird how often 'pickle' came up in this chapter?