Last time on Puffy Panted Man Wonder! Sir Nicholas helped a lost puppy find his way home! Wasn't that nice of him?! Not only that, but he also saved a little girl from a fat sweaty pedophile! Gee Whiz This man keeps getting better and better!
In other news, our animal friends were kidnapped by Bongo Bongo, the evil spirit haunting the shadow temple! He rampaged through Lake Hylia while Link was in the water temple and decided not to go back home empty handed! Now our friends are sitting at the bottom of the well in Kakariko in small cages scratching their butts . . . LIKE ANIMALS!
"We're also waiting for Link to come rescue us." Stephanie added.
"I don't see why we don't just get ourselves out." Sage said.
"That's true, what if Link's still pissed at us and decides to rescue Hyrule on his own?" Cheyenne asked.
"Link NO!" Linda cried.
"He'd have to come down here anyway; the lens of truth is here." Sage pointed out.
"But that doesn't mean he'll help us." Cheyenne said.
"Link NO!" Linda cried.
"Don't worry; as long as I'm stuck with you guys Link will rescue us." Navi said.
"I'm sure he'd gladly turn the other way." Sage said.
"Shut your mouth! Link will be more than happy to save me; it's Kris he'll have a problem rescuing!" Navi said.
"Speaking of which . . ." Stephanie said. They all turn to Kris who happens to be mumbling to herself and seems kind of frantic.
"What's wrong?" Cheyenne asked.
"I need to get out of here . . ." Kris mumbled.
"We all do." Linda said.
"He did this on purpose . . ." Kris mumbled.
"What are you talking about?" Sage asked.
"Why would Bongo Bongo just up and go to Lake Hylia? There has to be a reason why he was there!" Kris shouted.
"Yeah, we'll figure that out when we get out of here." Linda said.
"It's no use." Kris said.
"Quite the optimist I see." Sage said sarcastically.
"Why are you acting so nonchalant about this?! We're all in danger!" Kris shouted.
"We travel with the hero of time; we live in danger." Cheyenne said.
"But doesn't all of this seem sort of odd to you?!" Kris asked.
"Yeah, but this whole adventure seems sort of odd to me . . . I try not to think about it, I feel better that way." Stephanie said.
"Kimp must have something to do with this . . ." Kris said.
"Oh, another one of your imaginary boyfriends?" Sage asked.
"Ew no! I'm way out of his league." Kris said.
"Then who is he?" Navi asked.
"He used to be a family friend, but he betrayed my father and now he's my enemy." Kris said.
"So he's on our side?" Cheyenne asked.
"Of course not! He's just doing all of this for himself!" Kris shouted.
"Will you explain a little better for us?" Navi asked.
"My father isn't the power hungry tyrant you all think he is . . . Kimp brainwashed my father and for over fourteen years he's been controlling his every move." Kris explained.
"Oh snap! Plot twist!" Linda shouted.
"Not really, I was kind of expecting something this . . ." Stephanie said.
"What do you mean?" Cheyenne asked.
"Well, come on, what kid in their right mind would fight for a deadbeat dad that turned them into a pig? She either has a really good reason or is really retarded." Stephanie explained.
"Or both." Linda said.
"Is that skull glaring at us funny or is it just me?" Cheyenne asked.
"It's just you." Everyone replied.
"We used to live in the Gerudo desert until Kimp, a man from a faraway land, came along and ruined everything. I don't remember anything because I was only a few months old, but my mother told me the day my father was brainwashed he sent us through a rift in space and sent us to your world where my mother and I lived for fourteen years." Kris said.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" Sage interrupted, "Are you telling me this story actually has a satisfying plot?!"
"Depends on what your definition of satisfying is." Stephanie said.
"You're right . . . we were just kind of going through the motions thus far, weren't we? Well, as much as we could anyway." Linda said.
"Our dream of becoming Hyrulian drunkards is ruined! What are we supposed to do now?!" Sage shouted.
"Will you guys stop being retarded for two seconds? Kris is really bothered by all of this." Navi said. Sage and Linda look over at Kris who actually is really bothered by her situation.
"I need to get out of here and back to my father before Kimp does anything else to him." Kris said.
"Well what could you possibly do to stop this Kimp character?" Stephanie asked.
"Nothing, but I'll do anything I can to keep my dad alive." Kris said.
"What a hero." Cheyenne said sarcastically.
"So how did you get back to this world from their world?" Navi asked; motioning towards the other animals.
"A while ago my dad was close to gaining control of his mind and, in hopes of calling for help, created a rift in space to your world to communicate with my mother. Unfortunately I was the only one that got the message; that's when my mom explained to me about my father and Kimp. Then I devised a plan to bring Kayla to Hyrule and use her powers to save my father." Kris said.
"Wait, what?" They all asked.
"Yeah, I was the one that brought Kayla here. I sent her to Princess Zelda hoping she'd be safe until my preparations were ready, but of course some stuff happened and now we are where we are." Kris said.
"Exactly what kind of preparations were you getting ready?" Navi asked.
"Well they weren't more preparations rather than finding a way to separate my father from Kimp and then fight to bring Kimp down." Kris said.
"How were you planning on bringing Kimp down exactly?" Cheyenne asked skeptically.
"Well. . ." Kris started, "I didn't really have any specifics yet. I was hoping to plan that out with my father."
"Aw, some father/daughter bonding." Stephanie said.
"Father/daughter bonding my ass! It's because of that half-baked plan that we're all in this mess!" Linda shouted.
"It's not entirely my fault! I only planned for Kayla to be here!" Kris said in defense.
"Then why are we here? And while I'm at it, why are we animals?" Sage asked.
"My father, who was under mind control, again, brought you here . . . I honestly don't know what his plan was for you guys either." Kris said.
"Oh great, the psychopathic father called for us." Sage groaned.
"Yeah, but if the psychopathic daughter had called for us we would've ended up like Kayla." Linda said.
"Because the situation we're in now is any better." Sage retorted.
"Look on the bright side; at least you got to meet Link and me." Navi pointed out.
"Only half of what you said made me happy." Linda replied.
"Does this mean you guys will help me?" Kris asked.
"Do what?" Linda asked.
"Save my father!" Kris shouted.
The animals looked at each other questionably before huddling together to have a secret group discussion. Kris and Navi glance at each other before turning to watch the animals whisper sweet nothings to each other.
"Okay, that's a little weird." Navi said.
"All right, we have decided to help you on one condition!" Stephanie said.
"Okay . . . what is it?" Kris asked.
"We'll only help you if you explain all these misunderstandings to Link and if he wants to help you then we'll help you openly." Cheyenne said.
"Why can't you just help me?" Kris asked desperately.
"We'll help you either way, but if Link is against it we'll have to help you secretly." Sage said.
"So after all that's happened you're considering lying to him again?!" Navi shouted.
"We never lied to him in the first place! Well, at least not about the important stuff anyway." Sage said.
"So lying about Zelda being a demon wasn't important?!" Navi said.
"No not really." Linda said.
"It was a joke!" Sage said.
"Anyway, putting aside the fact that Kris is somehow on our side now-" Stephanie started.
"I've always been on your side! You just didn't know about it!" Kris interrupted.
"Yeah, that makes us like you a whole lot more now." Cheyenne said sarcastically.
"Where are you keeping Kayla and Sean?" Sage asked.
Kris hesitated for a while ". . . when I kidnapped the legendary cow I intended to keep her locked away until the Hero of Time came for her or until my father came to his senses. Sean was just an added bonus honestly. Unfortunately Kimp figured out my plan and took both of them with him; haven't seen the cow since."
"So what you're saying is, you kidnapped Kayla from us to protect her, but in turn just handed her over to the bad guy?" Stephanie paraphrased.
"Yes, but I promise that wasn't my intention! You guys weren't ready for the task of protecting something sacred!" Kris tried to explain.
"Neither were you! Not only that but who knows what's going to be done to her!" Sage said.
"Kayla burgers, that's what!" Linda added.
"You're sick." Stephanie said with disgust.
"I . . . I'm sorry." Kris said miserably.
"Come on guys, what's done is done and the best we can all do now is move on and hope that she's okay." Navi said. The animals all look at each other before nodding in understanding.
"So you guys don't completely hate me?" Kris asked.
"We'll see after Link hears your story." Linda said.
"Or when your imaginary boyfriends stop glaring and making sexual gestures at me while wearing hula skirts." Cheyenne added.
"Right . . . moving on, how are we getting out of here?" Stephanie asked.
"Did you forget that Cheyenne and I are small enough to slip through the bars?" Sage asked.
"Well what are you waiting for? Get us out of here!" Linda demanded.
"Hey! Stuff like this takes time." Sage said before spitting in her paws and rubbing them together.
Sage and Cheyenne fiddle with the locks on the cages until they open. The animals make their way out of the well with no problem at all! I'm just kidding! As they were climbing out of the well, Bongo Bongo flew passed them and disappeared into the village. They could hear the screams of village folk as they reached the surface.
"Well damn, the least he could've done is greeted us properly." Linda said.
"We should go after him!" Navi said.
"Why?" Cheyenne asked.
"Because we're the heroes! Plus, if we get rid of him Link might forgive you guys." Navi said.
"You actually want Link to forgive us? You do know that you have a chance of getting rid of us right?" Sage asked.
"Link would be miserable if he couldn't have his friends come along, and you know who would have to deal with his depressed ass?! Me! Don't get your story mixed up I'm only thinking of Link. ONLY!" Navi shouted.
"Quit fooling yourself Navi, you'd miss my fury fat ass and you know it." Linda said.
"In your dreams." Navi grunted.
"Look over there!" Stephanie shouted.
The animals looked in the direction Stephanie was pointing and saw Bongo Bongo's shadow flying over rooftops! It swallowed random cuccos and some villagers as it passed by until it hid under the inn. The animals look at each other wondering what they should do next.
"Duh, go after it." Navi said.
"Didn't you just see that thing eat birds and people?!" Kris shouted.
"Don't act like you've never seen a gigantic shadow eat things before." Sage said.
"You have?" Stephanie asked Sage.
"Yeah, it was a long time ago, when you weren't looking." Sage said. Stephanie rolled her eyes.
"Look there it goes!" Cheyenne shouted while pointing at the shadow moving from under the inn to under the skulltula house.
"Hurry up you lazy bastards, let's go get him!" Navi said as she buzzed around their heads.
"Fine, fine; you owe us some fried chicken for this though." Linda said.
"Just get some from Bongo Bongo while you're in there." Sage said.
The group wandered over to the skulltula house only to be faced with the problem of how they're going to get under the house where Bongo Bongo is hiding.
"Should we look for a hole?" Stephanie asked.
"I'll go under the door and figure out how to open the door for you guys." Sage offered.
"No, we need to stick together." Navi said.
"Well if we want to get in the house, why not just lift Linda up high enough to turn the doorknob?" Stephanie suggested.
"Because we're not as smart as you." Sage said.
"All right Kris, hold still." Linda said as she started climbing onto Kris' shoulders.
"Wait, I can't lift fifty pounds!" Kris objected.
"Then you're really going to have a hard time lifting me because I just passed that weight group last week." Linda said before using Kris' head to lift herself up to the doorknob. She turns the knob and opens the door. They all look inside only to see darkness.
"I'm starting to think this was a bad idea." Cheyenne said.
"Yeah, maybe that shadow thing was just looking for a dark place to sleep." Kris said.
"Well he definitely went to the right place for it." Sage agreed, "Too bad we're here to kick its ass."
"Sssh, not so loud it might hear you." Kris warned.
"Help usssss…" an eerie voice whispered.
"What?" Linda asked.
"Save usssss…" the voice whispered again.
"Sounds like someone needs our help… I think." Navi said.
"Too bad that's not what we're here for." Linda said.
"The eyes of the darkness are calling out to us." Cheyenne said.
"Don't say creepy things like that!" Kris cried.
"They're telling me we smell like ham and a little like that roast beef Linda ate last week." Cheyenne said.
"I didn't have roast beef." Linda said.
"Not like any of us could tell; you eat so much in a week we can't even keep track anymore." Navi said.
"You might not be keeping track, but I sure am, and I know I didn't have roast beef last week." Linda said.
"Not to mention we can't afford such luxurious meat." Sage pointed out.
"Does the fact that Cheyenne can talk to evil eyeballs not creep any of you out?" Kris asked.
"We got used to it a long time ago." Stephanie said.
". . . You're all freaks!" Kris shouted.
"Welcome to my world." Navi said irritably.
"Please, forgive our sins… save us…" the voice whispered.
"Please… it hurts…" a different voice pleaded.
"I think whoever's in there wants us to leave." Kris said nervously.
"We can't just leave them there to possibly die!" Stephanie shouted.
"Well we can, we just prefer not to so we don't piss off Link more than we already have." Sage said.
"For Link's fine ass!" Linda shouted heroically before running into the dark house.
"Do we have to?" Kris asked.
"Not all of us are fighting for the sake of Link's ass, but if you're that scared just stay out here." Stephanie said.
"By myself?" Kris asked.
"You've got to be kidding me; it's not even scary out here!" Sage shouted.
"But that voice has gotten me nervous." Kris said.
"Pussy…" Sage muttered.
Navi sighs "I guess I'll stay out here with her."
"Don't tell me you're afraid of daytime too." Sage mocked.
"You know that's not true!" Navi shouted, "Plus you guys will do just fine without me."
"Fine, whatever." Sage said before her, Stephanie, and Cheyenne went into the house.
There wasn't much to see since their only source of light was the front door being open. The three of them looked around until they found Linda interrogating a gigantic spider with a human arm!
"Tell me where Bongo Bongo is sleeping!" Linda shouted as she shoved the spider, causing it to swing back and forth.
"Please… save me…" It whispered.
"You know Linda, Kris wasn't being serious when she said Bongo Bongo was looking for a place to nap." Stephanie said.
"I'd be really scared of that if I could see what it was." Cheyenne said.
"Consider yourself lucky." Sage said with disgust.
"Spare me… please… I didn't mean to…" The spider man whispered.
"What'd you do?" Stephanie asked.
"I was cursed… cursed because I didn't share… didn't share my bat wings with the neighbor's dog." Spider man whispered. Everyone blankly stares at the mutated human spider.
"Is everyone one in Hyrule mentally ill?!" Sage shouted.
"I thought he and his family were cursed because of greed." Linda said.
"Well, I guess technically he was being greedy with his bat wings." Stephanie said.
Linda sighs, "Let's just move on before I get a headache."
"Save me… please… find the light which dispels our curse…" spider man whispered.
"You mean the skulltula's?" Sage asked.
"No… the light… the light…" spider man whispered.
"Will that torch work?" Linda asked as she pointed to a torch hanging on the wall.
"The light… the light…" spider man whispered.
Linda shrugs, "I guess that's a yes; Stephanie give me a boost."
Stephanie sighs "Only because I'm the only one big enough to at least lift you."
Linda climbs onto Stephanie's back and reaches for the torch. After swaying back and forth to balance her footing, she managed to pull the torch out of its hook (?). Linda's about to jump off Stephanie's back when she suddenly loses her footing and falls to the floor. Luckily she didn't drop the torch.
"Dammit all!" Linda shouted.
"You okay?" Stephanie asks.
"Yeah, it just kind of surprised me." Linda said.
"Oh, well that's good. Now it might be a good idea to get up because you just caught the curtain on fire." Stephanie said rather calmly.
Linda looks up and sees the flames slowly trailing up the curtain "Oh shit!"
Sage and Cheyenne run over to help put out the fire. Sage picks up a leaf and starts fanning the flames and Cheyenne flaps her wings at it, which we all know neither one of those ideas help put out a fire. As the fire spreads and covers most of the curtain the animals begin to panic. Stephanie bites an end of the curtain that wasn't on fire and pulls it to the ground. They all quickly stomp the fire out and sigh with relief.
"Thank god we stopped it before it spread throughout the house." Stephanie said.
"Yeah," Sage agreed, "how about you are more careful with that thing Linda."
"Sorry, but at least we stopped it before it got worse." Linda said. They walk back over to the mutated spider and show him the torch. "Here's your light, will you tell us where Bongo Bongo is now?"
Spider man hisses at the flames "Get it… get it awaaaay…" it whispered.
"But it's the light you're looking for." Cheyenne said.
"The light… the light from the golden ones…" Spider man whispered.
Sage glares at the mutated spider "So you mean those gold skulltula tokens or whatever?"
"The light… the light…" spider man whispered.
"Well son of a bitch." Sage said irritably. They all hear glass shattering and look towards the direction it came from. "What the hell was that?"
Cheyenne gasps "Look!" she shouted while pointing towards the ceiling.
*TO LINK*
Link and Sheik were nearing Kakariko village as fast as they could on horseback and . . . ostrich back?
"Hurry Sheik, before we're too late!" Link shouted from atop of Epona.
"This is as fast as it wants to go right now!" Sheik shouted; referring to the ostrich he was riding. "Isn't it a happy coincidence that we found an ostrich rental just outside lake Hylia?! I think he and I are starting to become friends!" Sheik said. The ostrich, unpleased, swung its head back and clonked Sheik right in the nose, "OW!" Sheik screamed, "… Yeah, we're good friends now…"
Link rolled his eyes and focused his attention forward. He couldn't take his mind off the well-being of his friends and couldn't help but feel a little guilty for leaving them when he went to the water temple. But guilt was soon replaced with worry and fear when he saw smoke rising from Kakariko. As soon as they reached the steps, Link jumped off Epona and ran like hell up the stairs. When he reached the top he felt his heart sink. Kakariko village was on fire!
Link ran further into the village desperately looking for his friends. An old woman with crazy, burnt hair came running at him while clutching on to a basket of ugly dolls "Save my babies!" she shouted.
"Um . . . you mean your dolls?" Link asked.
The crazy old woman gave Link a piercing glare "You will regret the day you turned me away." She whispered wickedly.
"But I didn't-" Link started.
"Link!" Sheik shouted as he ran up to them, "Excuse me sir, this is important." He said to the old woman as he pushed her away. She grunted then walked away while creepily glaring at Link and stroking one of her ugly dolls. ". . . The smoke must be getting to her head." Sheik stated.
"I hope so." Link said, "What was it that you wanted to tell me?"
"Oh Yeah! As I was coming into the village a few of the fleeing villagers were saying something about a haunted house catching fire which spread throughout the village. I'm not too sure where that could be though." Sheik said.
"Where the fire started isn't my main concern right now." Link said.
"It should be; those villagers also said they saw animals go into that haunted house before the fire started." Sheik added.
"What?!" Link asked with surprise and worry etched on his face.
"Oh come on you can't be too surprised; your little woodland creatures are always getting into trouble." Sheik said.
"Link!" they both turned towards where the screechy voice was coming from "Thank the goddesses you're here! Bongo Bongo fled under the well and-"
"Navi!" Link shouted as he cupped her in his hands and hugged (?) her like crazy, "I'm so glad you're all right!"
"Oh Link I'm so happy to see you too!" Navi said in a panic, "but they need your help! They were in the skulltula house when the whole place just burst into flames! Then Bongo Bongo flew out and took Kris into the well!"
"So?" Sheik asked.
"Those damn animals went after them!" Navi shouted. There was suddenly a loud explosion coming from the well, "Link! Watch out!"
Link and Sheik quickly jumped out of the way from falling debris. "What the hell was that?" Sheik asked. They all look towards the well and notice it's now a pile of rubble.
"For once, I'm happy your tail is like a Mary Poppins bag." Cheyenne said.
"I know! I forgot I stole a few bombs from a shopkeeper a while back." Linda said.
"This will be the only time I'm happy you're a criminal." Stephanie said.
"Guys!" Link shouted happily as he ran towards his fury little friends.
"Link!" they shouted back.
"I'm so happy you're all okay!" Link said as he embraced them all.
"You're not mad at u-" Linda began, but was interrupted by Bongo Bongo blasting his way out of the debris covered well. He circled the village before heading over to attack our heroes.
"Link! Run!" Sheik shouted.
Link set his friends behind him and readied his weapons; even though he was unsure of how to fight a shadow. Right before the shadow was about to clash with the hero of time it deformed itself into a strange moose shape with tentacles! One tentacle grabs Links' leg and throws him! The animals watch in terror as Link let out a piercing scream just before landing next to the only tree in Kakariko, motionless.
"Link!" Navi and Sheik shouted. They were about to head over to him until they heard screaming coming from the animals. The other tentacles were grabbing and absorbing them in to the moose shadow!
"Please don't tell me we're going to be kidnapped every chapter from now on!" Sage shouted irritably.
"Now all I'll be remembered for is Jell-O and bad decisions." Cheyenne said sadly.
"I don't remember you ever giving us Jell-O." Stephanie said.
". . . Just bad decisions then." Cheyenne added before being swallowed by a tentacle.
"No! I won't let you take me from Link!" Linda cried as she was clawing the ground. Sheik grabbed ahold of Linda and tried pulling her away from Bongo Bongo. "Tell Link I love him!"
"Don't be such a drama qu-" Sheik started to talk before Linda was yanked out of his hands into the shadow, "oops…"
"Asshole!" Linda shouted before her and the rest of the animals completely disappeared into the depths of darkness. The moose shadow then flew off towards the graveyard in a shadowy speed! Oooh nooo!
"Damn it! He's taking them to the shadow temple!" Sheik said.
"Then let's go after him!" Navi shouted.
"We can't, we need the eye of truth." Sheik stated.
"Where is it?" Navi asked.
". . . Beneath the well" Sheik said as he motions to the pile of rubble that used to be the well. Rain started to fall and they heard Link groaning.
"Link, are you all right?" Navi asked as she flew over to him.
Link blinked a few times before his vision focused and sat up "What happened?"
"Bongo Bongo did this to you." Sheik said, "Also he kidnapped your friends again."
"Again?!" Link shouted.
"I know it sounds bad, but if we hurry we can catch up to them." Sheik said.
"Okay, where do we go?" Link asked as he stood up.
"Well, actually, they went towards the shadow temple where the next Sage waits to be awakened." Sheik explained.
"Then let's go." Link said.
"The only way for you to go through the temple is with the lens of truth, but your animal friends kind of destroyed its resting place." Sheik said while pointing to the decimated well.
"How do we get it then?" Link asked.
"Couldn't you just dig your way in to the well?" Navi asked.
"Sure, if you don't mind the possibility of your friends being strangled to death while you're digging." Sheik said.
"Then what do you suggest we do Sheik?" Link asked.
"I don't know you're usually pretty good at figuring out where to go next, I'm sure you'll figure it out." Sheik said as he patted Link on the shoulder and started to walk away.
"Wait, where are you going?" Link asked.
"I'm going to help fix the village. Don't worry about me just try and find a way into the well." Sheik said as he throws a deku nut at the ground and disappears with a flash.
". . . Sheik we can still see you behind that crate." Navi pointed out.
". . . Look away or something . . ." Sheik said.
"Sheik, wait!" Link called out.
"What?" Sheik said irritably.
"How long has the lens of truth been hidden under the well?" Link asked.
"Uh . . . for hundreds of years from what I remember; why?" Sheik said.
"I think I have an idea!" Link said as he ran towards the staircase leading out of the village.
"What's your idea Link?" Navi asked.
"I'm thinking that if the lens of truth has been lying dormant under the well for hundreds of years then if I go back in time where the well is still together-"
"It'll be easier to get under the well!" they finished saying together, Navi saying it a little more excitedly then Link, "Link I'm so proud of you! I feel like you're maturing each and every day!"
"Navi it's not that great of an achievement." Link pointed out before bringing out his ocarina to play Epona's song.
"I know I'm just getting a little overexcited!" Navi said.
"Well let's just hope this idea works." Link said.
Can you believe it's been more than a YEAR since I've written anything?! I almost forgot about this story until my ex-editor kept bugging me to add more to it recently. Well I'm 3 pgs in to chapter 24 so that'll be up soon. Hopefully before I go on vacation Tuesday. Eh, I'm off Saturday so I can write it then. Sorry It took me forever to write anything. If something doesn't make sense don't hesitate to ask or reread some chapters. THANKS FOR READING and BUH-BYE!