Will Henry ever find true love?! Will Janet ever realize her feelings for the Lochness monster?! To find out this thrilling conclusion keep watching this thrilling episode of Thrillingly Thrilling Thrillers!
Batteries not included.
Link jumped off Epona and quickly made his way into Hyrule market. After getting passed the redead he entered the temple of time and slowly made his way to the pedestal of time.
"What's wrong Link?" Navi asked; wondering why Link was hesitant.
"Well, I keep wondering how the animals will be in the past; will they still be in the temple or should I go look for them?" Link said.
"If they are I don't see why you couldn't bring them along, but if not I don't think you should waste time going out to look for them." Navi said.
"You're right; the only way to know for sure is to go." Link said. He took a deep breath and placed the master sword in its pedestal. He was engulfed in light and the next thing he knew he was young, hip, and happenin! "Wow, that didn't feel like anything."
"Ugh, great, who let this guy in here?" Navi said irritably.
Link looked behind him and saw drunk hobo staring at the three sacred stones "Oh hey, what brings you here?" Link asked as he walked towards the hobo.
The drunk hobo looks over at Link with a blank stare. It was only after a few minutes of awkward silence that his eyes began to widen with surprise "When did you get in hur?" he slurred.
"I kind of just got here." Link replied while trying to walk the hobo out of the temple, "you wouldn't happen to have seen the animals I travel with around here would you?"
"What are you talking about?" the hobo asked before taking a sip of his beer bottle, "I haven't been seeing anybody since those Stalfos have taken over the market."
"What, Stalfos? since when?" Link asked in bewilderment.
The drunk hobo thought for a second ". . . I think just this morning."
"Really? . . . It's probably better that you don't hang around here then. This may be a temple, but it's still in Hyrule market so it's possible those things will find a way in." Link warned.
"What are you talking about? This isn't Kakariko village?" the drunk hobo asked.
"Well that explains why you looked so confused when we saw you." Navi said.
"Did you need help getting to Kakariko village?" Link offered.
"Nope, nope, nope; I have a rule that rules out any help from people." The drunk hobo said.
"Hey . . . I've noticed you haven't been hiccupping and saying really unusual stuff since we came in." Navi said while eyeing the drunk hobo.
"Oh, well . . ." the drunk hobo took another sip, "I kinda just started drinking for the day so . . ."
"That makes sense." Link and Navi said.
"Well thanks for the heads up about the Stalfos outside; we have some things to do so we'll just be leaving now." Navi said.
"Okay Jeffery, send me a telegram the next time your around; we'll get drunk." The drunk hobo said as he waved to them and opened the temple doors.
"Well actually my name's Link and this is my fairy Navi. Sorry we've never actually properly introduced ourselves have we, what's your name?" Link said.
"Uh . . . Oh yeah, just call me ti(tea). Close friends call me ti . . . plus I can't really remember my full name for some reason . . .*hic* oh there it goes." Ti said, referring to his drunken hiccups.
"That's kind of a strange name." Navi said.
"Said the glowing bug." Ti said and began laughing at his own joke.
"Yes, well, we better get going now. It was nice to properly introduce ourselves Ti." Link said and two of them watched as the hobo dragged his feet towards the market. "Should we help him?"
"Nah, I'm sure he'll be fine. He's alive seven years from now." Navi reassured.
"Didn't one of the animals sacrifice him to the redead?" Link asked.
"They also sacrificed Sheik and he's alive." Navi pointed out and Link shrugged before they left the temple.
Ti wasn't lying about the market being overrun by Stalfos. The monsters already had the market looking close to what it will be seven years from now. Link snuck behind barrels and broken market stalls until he made his way out towards the broken drawbridge.
"Link I'm starting to think it might be dangerous just walking around like this." Navi said.
"What do you mean?" Link asked.
"Well, since this whole thing only happened a few hours ago I'm sure there are Stalfos all over Hyrule looking for you and Zelda. It might not be safe to be just wandering out in the open." Navi warned.
"Well if I'm just going underneath the well it should be fine." Link said.
"Look what they did to the drawbridge Link!" Navi shouted while fluttering around the disassembled bridge, "They were so desperate to find you they broke this bridge so if you were still inside you wouldn't leave on horseback!"
"I think you might be over thinking this a little Navi." Link said.
"And if I'm not?" Navi asked.
"Well I I'm pretty sure we might've discussed this a few chapters ago; when I first came out of the Sacred Realm." Link said.
"How could you be so sure?" Navi asked skeptically.
"I don't know, the authoress is too lazy to go make sure if we did or not." Link said. He's right. Moving on.
"Oh my Goddesses! *hic* is that a fairy?!" A voice shouted. Link and Navi turned towards the entrance of Hyrule market.
"I thought we got rid of you." Navi said irritably.
"*hic* I'm not one to turn away from a challenge." Ti said.
Navi sighs "I can see the alcohol is kicking in."
"Did you want us to get you to Kakariko village?" Link asked. Navi glared at him.
"I don't need some fairy boy to help me realize my density!" Ti shouted.
"Oh, nice, how chivalrous; I'm glad we can't be of assistance to you." Navi said.
"We probably should help him since he's drunk." Link said.
"He made it out of Hyrule market just fine!" Navi pointed out.
"Come on Navi, it's not like it's too far." Link said.
"Yeah come on Ivory, it's not like it's an inchworm! *hic*" Ti mocked.
"I don't know who's more annoying; the stupid animals or the stupid drunk." Navi mumbled. Link smiled apologetically and they headed towards Kakariko.
After many hours of listening to senseless drunk talk they finally reached a not charred Kakariko village. With that being said, there were many people running around trying to find homes and figure out what just happened over at Hyrule market. Link and Navi make their way to the well with Ti following close behind.
"The well is full of water!" Navi shouted.
"Isn't that what a well is for?" Ti asked before taking a drink.
"Maybe we can ask someone to drain it." Link suggested.
"Who would we as—No wait you idiot!" Navi shouted as Ti leaned over to inspect the well only to lean too far and fall in.
Link quickly looked over the edge "Are you okay Ti?!" but no answer "We need to drain this thing fast."
"I'm sure he'll be fine." Navi stated, but Link was already running around asking people about the well. It would've been a lot easier for Link if people weren't so wrapped up in their own homeless problems and whatnot. Finally, an old man was willing to talk to Link.
"I'm the well expert." The old man stated proudly.
"So you can tell me how to drain it?" Link asked.
"Of course I can, I'm the well expert." The old man said.
"Okay, how?" Navi asked irritably.
"You take the water out." The old man said.
"How?" Link asked.
"You drain the well." The old man said.
"HOW?" Link and Navi shouted.
"Well let's see. . . I did hear once that rain drains the well." The old man said as he stroked his beard.
"How the hell does that make sense?!" Navi shouted.
"Don't ask me about rain, I'm the well expert." The old man said. Navi was about to buzz around the old man's head irritably until Link stops her.
"What could this old wing bat do for us?! How the hell is rain supposed to drain the well?!" Navi shouted.
"It's fine Navi, I have an idea." Link said.
"What do you mean?" Navi asked.
Link brings out his ocarina "Remember when I raced Dampe and that psychotic windmill guy taught me a song that made it rain?" Link hinted.
"Yes, I remember, but that still doesn't explain how rain is supposed to drain a well!" Navi said.
"It doesn't really matter as long as it works." Link said before bringing the ocarina to his sweet lips to play the song of storms. Navi huffs in irritation as it begins to rain and villagers rush to find shelter. They rush back to the well where it wasn't drained! "It didn't work!" Link shouted.
"Of course it didn't work! You got advice from some senile old man!" Navi said.
"You are obviously no well expert." The old man, who, for some reason followed the two to the well. Link and Navi glare at him. "The only way to drain the well is to make it rain inside the windmill."
"That makes even less sense than what you said earlier." Navi said.
"Well of course I'd expect that kind of response from a non-well expert, but just trust a dying old man on this one." The old man finished. Navi looks at the old man a little surprised.
"Okay, thanks." Link said before starting to walk towards the windmill.
Navi flies in front of his face to stop him. "Did you not just hear him say he was dying!?"
"He's dying?" Link asked with surprise.
Navi sighed in disappointment "Sometimes I wish you didn't hang around those stupid animals so much." Link was about to respond to Navi, but was cut off when the crazy grinder organ guy came storming out of the windmill house place.
"Whoever played that horrid song better not play it inside the windmill! I'll kill ya dead!" Crazy organ-grinder guy shouted then stormed back into the windmill hut place. I hope that's what his instrument is called because I'm not sure.
"Well I guess that pretty much tells us where we have to play the song." Link said.
"Yes, but remember how he reacted last time we did that?" Navi asked.
"I think I'm used to Hyrule's weird behavior now." Link said.
"I should've never left the forest." Navi grumbled.
They walked in to the windmill hut and saw crazy organ-grinder guy playing his organ off to the side with a cheesy smile. He looked over at our hero, paused for a second, then slowly started playing his organ and singing in a creepy voice to the melody of the Song of Storms:
You shall die
You will die
If, you start to play that song
I know where you live
My first sacrifice
Dare to play
Can you play?
Oh, you sung it anyway
How will I claim your blood . . .?
He continued to sing creepily while Link and Navi stare at him, worried. Navi was about to speak, but was interrupted by thunderclouds and rain. Navi flutters nervously around Link. "Why did you play the song Link?!" she asked.
"I-I didn't!" Link stuttered. Suddenly, the crazy organ-grinder guy stops playing and they all watch as the windmill starts spinning faster.
"You wretched fiend!" Crazy organ-grinder guy shouted. He stomps his way through the wind and rain towards Link.
"But I didn't play the song!" Link said.
"Then who did?!" Crazy organ-grinder guy asked in disbelief.
". . . You did." Link stated, "While you were playing and singing the song of storms."
"That wasn't the song of storms! That was the song of suffering!" Crazy organ-grinder guy shouted.
"Either way it probably drained the well so thank you." Link said.
Crazy organ-grinder guy shouted a strange war cry as he charged at Link! Link moved out of the way just in time for crazy organ-grinder guy to smash in to the wall. They all stare in awe as his smashed organ falls to the ground in pieces. Well, now instead of calling him a crazy organ-grinder guy I can just call him a crazy guy. Link looks up at the crazy guy who surprisingly didn't seem too upset; happy even.
The crazy guy simply pulls out an empty teacup and offers it to Link, "Would you like some tea before you die?" he says with a smile.
Link steps back "No thanks, actually, I think it'd be best if we just left."
The crazy guy frowns "But I didn't even get to pour the champagne."
Link's back bumps into the door and he desperately searches for the doorknob while still facing the crazy guy "I'm still a minor so I can't exactly drink alcohol, but thanks for the offer."
The crazy guy steps closer to Link "Oh really, even though my champagne is homemade?"
"Homemade you say?" Link asks with a shaky voice.
The crazy guy smirks "Of course," he lifts the teacup in the air about to smash it on Link's head "I make it from the blood of the people I've sacrificed to my windmill!"
Just as he was about to clobber Link with a teacup, the door swings open and Link falls back! Instead of hitting Link with the teacup, the crazy guy ends up hitting the one who opened the door; the drunk hobo, Ti! Who then proceeds to go unconscious and fall forward onto the crazy guy.
"It's soooo nice to meet *hic* you!" Ti said while lying on top of the crazy guy. "Where am I?"
"Get off me before I sacrifice your blood!" The crazy guy shouted.
"Oh, are you making champagne?" Ti asked excitedly.
"What the hell are you doing just lying there Link?! RUN!" Navi shouted.
Link quickly jumps to his feet, runs down the stairs and practically jumps in to the now drained well. He gripped the metal ladder and took a deep breath, trying to calm down from that crazy experience. After he felt his senses come back he starts his descend. The further he went down the well the more the sound of bustling people and clucking cuccos faded away. It was getting harder to see and Link started to feel some fear creep in.
"Navi, maybe we shou-AAH!" Link started, but slipped and fell to the bottom of the well. Navi buzzed around Link's face with worry.
"Link! Link are you okay?!" Navi asked.
"I just, wanted to fly like the rest of the cardboard boxes," Link spoke "we could be friends, I guess, woof!"
"Oh goddesses! This seems bad; maybe I should look for help!" Navi said to herself.
"No way, I have to eat a hamburger!" Link declared as he stood up.
"What are you talking about?" Navi asked. Link suddenly took off running deeper into the well. "Link, wait!" Navi shouted as she flew after Link. It was hard keeping up with him because she kept getting caught in cob webs, but when she found him he was yelling at a skeleton chained to the wall. "Oh Link, we need to go get you help right away!"
"But we're friends now." Link said as he put his finger in the skeletons eye socket.
Navi came over and swatted Link's hand away from the skeleton. "No, bad Link, don't touch dead things!" she scolded.
"Do you know what sound the ground makes when the cabbage sings?" Link asked.
"What?" Navi said, thoroughly confused. Link lifts his leg and lets out a small fart before running off giggling. "Ugh, Link I thought you were better than that." She watches as Link is about to hit a wall, "Wait, Link please don't run!" She tries to stop him, but he just runs right through the wall. She floats there for a second, awestruck, then chases after him. When she reaches the other side of the wall she finds Link dancing with Redeads!
"Navi you have to try this, it's fun!" Link said.
"Uh . . . Link, I hope you know tha—" Navi started, but was cut off by the sound of Link being raped by the redeads. "Link!" she shouted.
"Navi! I don't think you should try this, it's not fun!" Link cried.
"Get your nasty dead hands off him! He needs to bring peace to Hyrule! . . . Plus he owes me rent money!" Navi shouted as she body slams the redeads. Unfortunately her tiny body didn't really have any effect on them.
"Navi! I tried my best!" Link cried as one of the redeads started stroking his cheek.
"Link! Don't give up!" Navi cried back.
"Get out of here while you still can," Link sniffed "and eat enough food for the both of us."
"Well damn I'm not Linda." Navi said. The redead was now nibbling on Link's ear.
"Wiiiiill You Loud Mouths Keep It Down?! I'm Trying To Rest Here!" a screechy man voice screeched. They all look in the direction the voice came from. It was the running man who runs around Hyrule and who you would normally sell the bunny hood to! He was in his regular outfit, but with an added pink tutu.
"Um, who are you?" Navi asked.
"Ooooh, you don't know who I am?" The running man asked.
"No, that's why I asked." Navi said.
"Weeeell, if you must know my name is Fabio, but many people call me Frump." Frump/Fabio said.
"Navi, I'm scared." Link whimpered. The redead is drawing circles on Link's chest with its dead finger.
"It's ok Link, he can't hurt you more than he already has." Navi said.
"Oooooh my goddesses! Get a room!" Frump shouted.
"Please kill me." Link said.
"Oh come on! It can't be any worse than what Linda's done to you!" Navi said. The redead begins to unbuckle Link's belt.
"Okay, that's enough!" Link shouted. He grabs the deku shield and smashes it against the redead's face. It stumbles back and groans.
"Uuuum, that was uncalled for. I'm sure it would've stopped if you just asked it to." Frump commented.
"I'm just glad you're back to your senses." Navi said.
"Yeah, I guess those redeads were actually good for something." Link said.
"Weeeeeell, if you ask me that's not all they're good for." Frump said while seductively eyeing the redeads. Link and Navi give him an awkward stare.
"Speaking of you, what are you doing down here?" Navi asked.
"Ooooh yeah, I forgot to mention that little tidbit. Well, about ten minutes ago it started raining and I was looking for shelter. The rain made it hard to see so I ended up falling down the well. I saw a small chasm I could break through and make bigger so I dug like my life depended on it and suddenly found this creepy place." Frump explained then looked around "It's kinda cozy…"
"Are you telling me you dug through a brick wall? In a matter of ten minutes?" Navi asked skeptically.
"Weeeeell, if you don't want to get wet then you will do anything to find shelter. Plus my back was killing me from the fall and I just had to do something." Frump explained.
". . . Okay . . . I don't care anymore. Have you seen the Lens of Truth lying around here?" Navi asked.
"Theeee lens of what?" Frump asked.
Navi sighs "Why did I even bother?"
"Navi, maybe we should move away from this area." Link suggested, backing away from a group of oncoming redead.
"Geez, it's always one thing after another." Navi grumbled.
"Wooooow, now it's a party!" Frump said.
"No, Frap! This isn't the kind of party you want to be at!" Navi said.
"Ooookay first of all, it's Frump, and second of all, I'm totally fine with a party like this." Frump said.
The redeads got a little too close for comfort so Link starting running down a hallway. When Link looked back he noticed that not only were the redeads chasing after him, but Frump was following close behind as well.
"I thought you wanted to stay with them!" Link said.
"Yeaaah, but one of them bit me and I decided it was a bit too much." Frump said. He lifted his right arm which had a huge bloody gash and some bone showing. "Does this look bad? Do you think it's contagious?"
". . . Don't come near me, I don't want to catch your stupidity!" Navi shouted. They turn a corner only to have Link and Frump fall into a hole! "LINK!" Navi shouted worriedly as she rushes over to his side. Not too long after, the group of redeads decide to fall in after them. "Link, are you okay?" she asks.
"Oooooh my goddesses, that was painful." Frump said as he tries to lift himself off the ground.
"Navi, I think I'd rather go on without the Lens of Truth," Link said with a cough "I'm hurting more than I should right now."
"Link, I believe in you." Navi said encouragingly. "Also, the redeads followed you in here and the Lens of Truth should be the least of your problems right now."
"Who dares disturb my restful restless resting?!" A deep womanly voice shouted.
Upon hearing that dreadful voice the group of redeads back into a corner, cowering in fear. Link, Navi and Frump glance around the room but couldn't see why the redeads were so scared. After a few minutes of confused looks they begin to hear . . . digging?
"Diiiiid you hear that?" Frump asked, now hiding behind Link.
"I sense great danger from beneath us." Navi said. Frump looks at the ground with wide eyes before trying to jump on to Link's back.
"Hey! I can't move around with you on me like that!" Link said.
"IIIII know, but I'll probably pee myself otherwise." Frump said.
Link struggles to get Frump off his back "That's even worse, get off!"
While Link and Frump continue to tango, they don't notice seven dead long arms pop out of the ground. Navi tries to alarm them, but they don't pay attention. They finally notice something evil is coming when the dead hand jumps out of the ground and manages to cover them in dirt. The two of them just look at the ugly monster with jaws dropped. The dead hand rubs its eyes with its nasty arm nubs, (because the character designer didn't give it any fingers for some reason) and looks over at our heroes . . . and Frump.
"Liiiink, I think we should run." Frump said while still on Link's back.
"I agree." Link agreed and took a step back cautiously.
"You have to fight it Link!" Navi shouted.
"How?" Link asked. Navi was about to respond to him, but was interrupted by the dead hand creature squealing in delight?
"I've never seen such a beautifully beautiful creature!" the dead hand squealed.
"What?" The three somewhat sane ones asked.
The dead hand scoots over to Link and Frump "I've only dreamed of a creaturely creature like you." She said as she strokes Frump's face.
Frump swats the dead hand's nub away "Whaaaat are you talking about?"
"A two headed monster!" the dead hand said.
Link and Frump look at each other then back at the dead hand "We're not a two headed monster."
The dead hand ignored them "I also heard that two headed monsters are all male." She said while eyeing them seductively, "and that they can mate with other species."
"Uuuuh . . . well, this two headed monster doesn't." Frump said with disgust.
"I can rock your world." The dead hand said while moving closer and licking her teeth.
"I'd rather you not." Link said, backing away from her.
"Yeaaaah, we're just here for the Lens of Lies." Frump added.
"Truth," Link corrected, "and that's what I'm here for; you're here because you're scared of rain."
"IIIII needed shelter!" Frump said.
"Did you say Lens of Truth?" The dead hand asked.
"Yeah, we did. Do you know where it is?" Link asked with hopeful eyes.
The dead hand smirks at Link and Frump "As a matter of fact, I do." she regurgitates the Lens of Truth then spits it on the ground. "But I'll only give it to you if you'll mate with me and help me take over the world above this hell hole." The three of them stare at the dead hand with disgust.
". . . It's all you, Frump." Link said.
"Liiiiike hell it is, you're the one that wants the Lens of Sacrifice." Frump protested.
"I just got molested by redeads, it's your turn." Link said.
"Noooooo way!" Frump said.
Frump jumps off Link's back and runs around looking for an exit. Link looks over at the dead hand who is awestruck by the man of her dreams splitting in two. A light bulb goes off in his head and he rushes to get the Lens of Truth on the ground before she can come back to her senses. Right when he picks up the Lens of Truth she tries to bite him. Link side jumps away from her and joins Frump in finding an exit.
"You're not a two headed monster! You're an imposter!" The dead hand screamed.
"In our defense, we tried telling you that earlier." Link said.
Just then, Link sees the redeads, who were cowering in the corner earlier, now making a redead ladder to get out of the hole. He and Frump run over and try climbing the redead ladder. Link reaches the top only to have someone grab his ankle and try to pull him back in. He looks down and sees that it's Frump trying to pull away from one of the dead hands long arms.
"Liiiiink, don't let me die here!" Frump pleaded.
"Hold on!" Link said. He tries to pull them both out, but the strength of the long arms was greater than Link's! Frump is pulled back in to the hole with the dead hand! Link quickly stands up and brings out his slingshot.
"IIII knew I should've never come to Kakariko!" Frump shouted. The dead hand slithers over to Frump and lowers her extremely long neck down to his level. "Pleeeease don't eat me, I have three wives and five kids!" he pleaded.
Link lowers his slingshot "What's the matter Link?" Navi asks.
"I'm starting to think leaving him here isn't such a bad idea." Link said.
"That's horrible Link! I'd expect that from the rodents, but not you!" Navi scolded. Link shrugged. "Oh, you were such a super start not too long ago." She said as if it were an old memory. They hear Frump scream bloody murder and look down at him. To their surprise, the dead hand is licking Frump with her super long tongue!
"Geeeet it off me!" Frump shouted.
"I think she likes you." Link said.
"Noooo, she's eating me!" Frump said.
"She's licking you like some kind of dog." Navi said.
"I've never . . . never tasted something so . . ." the dead hand looks deep into Frump's eyes "Manly."
"IIII'm really scared right now." Frump said while trembling.
"Let us mate and take over the world together." The dead hand said.
"Pleeease help me." Frump pleaded; trying desperately to wriggle out of the hands grasp.
"I'll make your stay worthwhile." The dead hand said seductively. One of her long arms pops out of the ground holding a handful of orange rupees.
". . . Yooooou just made this a whole lot less awkward." Frump said with a smile. He turns to Link and waves flamboyantly, "Bye Link! I hope you didn't drop the Lens of Love down here because I'll be too busy to bring it back up to you!" Frump and the dead hand begin to giggle.
". . . Please tell me you didn't drop the Lens of Truth." Navi said.
"No," Link said while bringing out the Lens to show as proof "now let's get out of here."
Just as Link was about to turn around and walk away, a redead reaches over the edge and grabs his boot. Already tired of this whole ordeal, Link kicks the redead in the face with his free foot and continues on. The redead looks at the back of Link's head longingly and begins to tear up. "Call me. . ." it mutters.
Finally, Link and Navi climb out of the well and just kind of . . . stand there, for some reason. Link, who is stuck in a daydream, doesn't notice Ti wobble over to him.
"Hey buttercup! *hic* why the long face?" Ti asked.
"How are you still alive?" Navi asks in disbelief.
"*hic* the same way you're still alive! A brick wall! *hic*" Ti answered.
". . . I need to go save my friends." Link states as he walks passed Ti. Ti just shrugs and keeps walking, that is, until he tumbles into the well. Link and Navi pretend like they didn't hear anything . . . oh come on, you would've done the same thing.
Well All righty then! I'm glad I got this chapter finished before I leave in . . . 7 hours! I shall be back on the 26th so I probably won't be able to post the next ch. till the beginning of next month? I dunno, but yeah! BUH-BYE!