The day of her funeral was a bright one. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, not a single cloud to stain the perfectly blue sky. Some people said a few words. I wasn't one of them. I didn't know what to say. That she fought bravely? That she never gave up? That she battled her disease until the very end? I don't think that she would've liked hearing me say those things things. She wasn't exactly a fan of cliches. But in the end it wasn't the cancer that took her anyway. The cancer didn't work fast enough on her. Something else did.

FLASHBACK

When the plane sets on the ground back home I feel a sadness fall over me. This was most likely my second and last time flying and it definitely was her last time, too.

She told me about her cancer getting worse again just the night before.

We were walking the streets of Amsterdam one last time before we'd get out luggage and drive to the airport.

She didn't cry or even look sad when she told me. She was calm. Like she'd accepted her fate. I remembered the dream I'd had the night before. How calm and collected the girl looked while the forrest was getting darker. Now I recognized her. It was Hazel Grace.

She told me that she was sorry that she didn't tell me earlier, that she understands if I hated her now, after what happened between us and everything. I told her that I would've made the exact same decision if I had known. She started crying then. I hugged her and told her that I would be at side until the end.

When the engine stops I think about that night. When she told me I was so worried about her that I didn't quite got to think about what that means for me. Now it finally sinks in. I'll loose her. I don't want to loose her. I can't loose her.

She's been sleeping against my shoulder for the past two hours, but now she's slowly waking up. She smiles up at me. It's a tired smile. Her lips crack when they widen. Her skin is pale as snow. I remember my dream again. I remember what I thought: We still have some time. I'll be with her until the very end. I smile back.

When we step out of the airport building and into the bright sunlight we see Hazel Graces dad already waiting for us with the car. He completely ignores Mrs. Lancaster and me and rushes forward to embrace Hazel Grace in a tight hug. I understand now that he isn't just hugging her as a loving father anymore, but as a father who knows that he hasn't got much time with his beloved daughter left. Their hug remembers me of what I am, too, about to loose. I can't bear the sight so I look away.

We get in the car. The thump of the cars doors getting shoved close has something final. Our trip is over. We're back in reality. Hazel Graces cancer is getting worse. I'm going to loose her. The engine roars to live, ripping me out of my depressing thoughts.

While we're driving on the highway Hazel Grace, her mom and I take turns telling Mr. Lancaster about our trip. Hazel Graces dad is listening carefully, her mom is turning around to smile at us, Hazel Grace first smiles at her mom, then at me, I smile back. Nobody sees the truck coming.

END OF FLASHBACK

After the funeral was over and everybody was heading home, Isaac came over. Fortunately he didn't say anything like "I'm sorry for your loss" or "She's in a better place now". He knew better than to give me that crap. So he just said: "Sorry for smashing all your trophies. I guess you could need something to break now..."

But I didn't want to break something. Not even that damned truck.

Instead I told him that I just needed some time alone now.

I got into my car and drove to the gas station I always bought my packs of cigarettes at.

The guy behind the counter already knew me. When I first started coming here he wouldn't sell me cigarettes. After I explained to him what I was gonna to with them he just stared at me for a few seconds then laughed and said: "That's a new one, I must give you that!". When I kept coming back, insisting that I was telling the truth he believed after some time. When I came in this time, he said: "For someone who doesn't smoke you have a rather high consumption of cigarettes. Same as usual?"

"No, just a lighter..." I answered.

"What, you gonna start smoking for real now, boy? You know that these things can kill you, right?"

I laughed. I was surprised when I actually managed to make it sound genuine. "Do you see me buying a lighter and cigarettes?"

After that he didn't argue anymore.