Here it is, the second last chapter of the best story ever written of all time. The final chapter is now complete, but just has to be typed up. And there's a pleasant surprise in it that is extremely entertaining. Not that this chapter isn't...

Abby and Lizzie's Mighty Magical Mystical Marvelous Alliteration of a Lost Epic Quest

Chapter 13

Sawyer the Barberini Faun

Sun walked down the beach, her head hung as she avoided eye contact with anyone.

"What's her problem?" Lizzie questioned as she dipped a banana into some chocolate pudding.

"Everyone found out she spoke English while we were meeting Rousseau," Abby doodled swirls in the sand with her finger.

"They just found that out now? How the hell did they think we worked in the garden her completely in sync?" chunks of banana shooting from her mouth.

Abby shrugged, "Just another island mystery."

Lizzie pointed a finger toward where Sawyer sat with Jack before him as he tired on glasses, "What's up with him."

"I don't know," Abby creased her eyebrows, "Let's go find out."

With that, the girls began to scale the beach as they made their way towards Sawyer.

"Dude," Hurley chuckled, "It looks like someone steamrolled Harry Potter."

"Oh my God," Abby exclaimed as she covered her mouth with her hands, "You look so stupid!"

"Girls, let's try to be nice to him, okay?" Jack questioned as he stood and brushed the sand off of his pants.

Kate nodded in agreement, "He's self conscious about how he looks."

"He should be," Lizzie giggled, "He looks like a woman. An ugly woman. A man-woman of sorts."

Abby bent over to examine Sawyer closer, "He kinda looks like a grandma," she stated honestly, "Or Napoleon Dynamite."

"That's it," Sawyer took off his glasses, "I ain't wearing these."

"Then you'll have to deal with the headaches," Jack reminded.

"He's wearing glasses because he gets headaches?" Abby questioned, "I have headaches because I wear glasses."

"And how do you deal with them?" Sawyer questioned sarcastically, "Act like an idiot and they go away."

"Pfft," Abby waved her hand at him, "I'm high half the time. High," she paused, "On life!"

Sawyer shook his head, "I'm sorry that I thought what you were gonna say was gonna make sense."

"You're just angry because you look like a nerd," Lizzie accused.

"I'm not a nerd," Sawyer argued, then pointed at Abby, "She's got glasses, is she a nerd?"

Abby look at Lizzie, "Hell yes."

Charlie broke through the tree line suddenly, huffing as if out of breath, "Jack, you've got to get to the caves, it's Boone."

Lizzie's head shot up at his name, "What about Boone?" she questioned as she pushed the doctor out of the way.

"He and Locke has some sort of accident," Charlie began, "He's really beat up, he needs Jack's help right now."

Jack started to walk into the jungle, but Lizzie pushed him back again, and took off towards the cave.

"You know I don't like you, right?" Abby declared as she and Kate walked the path to the cave. They'd gone to the beach to get whatever alcohol Sawyer had, only to find that he'd had a little party, gotten drunk, and fallen asleep in a less than appropriate pose.

"Yeah I know," Kate grunted as she kept two steps ahead of the young girl, "I just don't know why."

"I don't know, something about you just sets me off. I think you're a little too bossy and you ask too many questions. Think before you talk, it's an excellent idea," Abby stopped walking to tie her shoe.

"You're slowing us down," Kate complained as she turned around, and stood akimbo.

"What?" Abby rose an eyebrow, "Are you afraid we're going to miss Boone's death?"

"Don't say that," Kate demanded obviously growing frustrated.

"Well we are, because I think that low moaning sound is Claire," she pointed through some trees, and sure enough Claire's form could be seen hunched over a log.

"Claire!" Kate exclaimed as she helped the girl sit, "Oh my God, you've gone into labor."

"Don't leave me," Claire insisted as she curled her fingers into fists, "I don't want to be alone."

"We'll you're not going to be for much longer. I mean you are having a baby, that's not just a pillow or something," Abby shot an accusing look at her.

"Are you saying you think my pregnancy's a hoax?" Claire questioned obviously offended.

"I'm just saying you've been pregnant for like twenty-five months," Abby raised her hands in defense.

"Look, you've got to go get Jack," Kate grabbed Abby's arm, "You've got to go to the caves and get him."

"He's not going to come out here, he's busy trying to save Boone," she replied bluntly.

Kate sighed with irritation, "He has to come, Claire's having her baby."

"He's not going to come here; I don't even want to be here. She made the baby without any of us present; she can deliver it the same way," Abby deadpanned.

"Just go get Jack!" Kate yelled at her.

"Jesus, you didn't have to go all banshee," Abby picked up her bag and began to amble towards the cave, "Maybe a please would've done it. No wonder you don't have many friends."

Lizzie watched as Jack began to stitch up Boone's chest. Leaning on her elbows she bowed over to get a closer look, "Are you stitching your initials in him?" she questioned.

"No, I'm just sewing up his lacerations," Jack replied as he pulled the thread threw once again.

"Can you sew my initials into his chest?" Lizzie questioned, smiling naively at Jack.

Jack looked like he wanted to ask a million questions at once, but then settled on a simple, "What?"

"For after we're married, it's like one of those dog tags. So if he ever gets lost in the jungle again, the Other's can read his chest and return him to me," Lizzie sat back down.

Suddenly Boone started gasping, his fingers twitching.

"What's happening?" Lizzie asked as she pushed herself away from the patient.

Jack leaned over him and listened to his chest, "His lung collapsed, I'm going to re-inflate it."

He poured what little alcohol he had one a sharp spike and moved over Boone's body ready to stab it into him, when Lizzie body checked him, taking hold of the spike, "You're doing it wrong!" she yelled.

"Jack," Abby yelled as she strolled into the camp at a leisurely pace, "Jack we have a problem."

"Where's the alcohol?" Jack demanded as he noticed Abby's bag was empty.

"Sawyer had a party with himself last night and he drank all the alcohol and ended the night in a position reminiscent of the Barberini Faun," Abby stated as she stood beside Lizzie, "Hey how's it going."

"Boone's lung is flat," Lizzie informed, "Jack popped it with his stupidness," Lizzie sent a glare his way.

"Pfft, you should see Kate, she's like crapping a brick because Claire went into, 'air quote' labor," she told her friend.

"Claire's in labor?" Charlie asked as he appeared from around the corner.

"Yeah somewhere in the wilderness, it's like National Geographic," Abby took a drink of her water, "Kate's under some delusional spell that she thinks Jack is going to come out there."

"I can't leave Boone," he bent down beside him, "Someone else can deliver Claire's baby. Abby, you need to tell Kate exactly what I tell you okay, because she's going to have to do it."

"I'm going to gather towels, and water and scissors," Charlie announced as he flung himself to the other side of the caves.

"You need to wait until Claire's contractions are a minute apart and tell her to push until the head it out. Then she needs to push as hard as she can until the shoulders are out, and then the baby's nose and mouth need to be cleared, do you understand?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, push the baby hard and throw it clear into the forest," Abby mumbled as she stood up, "I think I can manage."

"Jack's not coming," Abby announced, as she threw her bag to the ground and kneeled in front of Claire, "He told me what to do, and I'm supposed to deliver the baby."

"What?" Claire questioned as she pushed through another contraction.

"What?" Kate asked, "That's the worst idea I've ever heard."

"You're the worst idea I've ever heard," Abby shot back, "Now listen to me Claire, I want you to push until you feel the head of the baby out of your body, then I want you to push harder okay?"

"I can't do this," Claire wheezed as she held her stomach.

"Then you shouldn't have had sex," Abby shot back, "now push!"

Claire nodded and pushed down as hard as she could until her face turned red.

"You call that pushing? That sucked. You suck and your baby's gonna hate you because you push like a ninety-eight-year-old cadaver! Now push harder!" Abby yelled.

"She can't just push all the way through!" Kate yelled from the side, "She had to take some breaks."

"You want to help? Get me that catcher's mitt that Lizzie gave me from my backpack," Abby shouted from over her shoulder. She turned back to Claire, "Why aren't you pushing!"

"There's blood everywhere," Lizzie looked around the cave in awe.

"Well maybe if you didn't pull the tube that was pouring blood into Boone from my arm eight times, there would be more blood in us and less everywhere else!" Jack yelled.

"Your blood was tainting him!" Lizzie yelled back. "Now fix him!"

"I can't fix him, the little blood that got in has pooled right at his leg, the only thing I can do it cut it off," Jack informed desolately.

"Then cut it off," Lizzie said as she and Jack began to drag Boone's body over to a large piece of the plane that they used to cut up the boar meat.

"Guys," Boone whispered weakly, "I'm not going to make it, don't cut off my leg, just let me die," he whispered.

"Boone, I'm so sorry," Jack answered sadly, "I couldn't save you."

"I know man, it's my fault I shouldn't have gone to the hatch with Locke," with that said Boone rolled his eyes back into his head and let out a final exhalation.

Jack let out a sad sigh and bowed his head. The silence was interrupted by what sounded like a large paper cutter. "What the hell did you do?" Jack asked Lizzie as he saw Boone's leg no longer attached to his body.

"I cut it off, like you said," Lizzie responded.

"He said he didn't want it cut off, and then he died!" Jack screamed.

Lizzie bowed her head, "He would've wanted it this way."

"Would you just push already?" Abby questioned as she sat with a catcher's mitt under Claire's dress.

Claire held her breath and pushed down hard, and soon squealing could be heard.

Catching the baby in the catcher's mitt, Abby immediately threw it to Kate, "Throw it into the jungle hurry!"

"What are you talking about," Kate questioned as she tried to hold onto the baby.

"Maybe a dingo will get it or something," Abby mused, "Jack told me to throw it as far as I could from the clearing."

The baby started to cry in Kate's arms, "Are you sure he didn't say clear its nose and mouth?"

"Just throw the damn baby!"

Everyone gathered atop a small hill at the beach as Boone was buried. Sayid stood somberly beside Shannon, and Lizzie bawled more than Claire's newborn beside Abby.

"Does anyone want to say anything about Boone?" Jack questioned after the body was placed into the ground.

Lizzie raised her hand, "Boone was so hot. He was such a fine, fine sexy man. He had the nicest body and I wanted to jump him from the moment I got here and no one would let me and now it's too late because he's dead."

"Okay," Jack nodded as Lizzie let out another sob, "That was entirely inappropriate. Anyone else."

Abby raised her hand, "Boone had crazy eyes and very big scary eyebrows that reminded me of cigars. And I think that it's only right that we name Claire's baby Ethan seeing as how you guys shot him."

Note: The Barberini Faun is a statue of a Satyr in a reclained position, it's pretty amusing and my sister has this obsession with it, so I thought I should include it somewhere.

Next Chapter: It all come to an end, as choices are made, and someone dies, but if you've seen the show, then you know who it is...