5
Monday
To all intents and purposes it was a regular Monday morning and to anyone watching him Tony was going about his work as normal, at least it was normal for him right now and maybe, just maybe today was the day he heard...his email was open and if he got a message he'd be able to open it up immediately. He was trying not to be impatient, after all he really was glad to be back at work, even if it was desk duties only; he'd been good, done everything they told him, watched his diet, did his physical therapy, passed his medical, passed his firearms qualification with flying colours, all he was waiting for was the result of his psychological evaluation. If that had gone as well as his other tests Vance had promised he'd give the okay for him to go back in the field; he was praying he'd get the okay, he was so sick of being under the microscope, feeling like his every move was being examined.
Tony opened up a new file and settled in to read, most of the time his fellow agents actively avoided the work he was involved in right now, and most of the time he'd have agreed with them. Not today, or last week, today he was content to go through cold cases, sifting out any loose ends that could possibly be used to close one of the cases. Often it was mundane work; the important thing was, he was working, he was useful again.
Gibbs and McGee were in Maryland interviewing a witness, lunch time came and went and he was alone in the squad room, that wasn't true, there were people around, at their desks, passing to and fro, working, they were good people too, problem was they weren't his people...he didn't mind being here, it was much better than being in his apartment watching another movie, sitting in the park, walking aimlessly round a shopping mall, finding any method that worked to take his mind off the forced inactivity. The day Gibbs told him he could return to NCIS was one of the best since he'd joined the agency, to be back at the heart of things, okay not the heart, but at least he was in the squad room.
Cold cases had come to his rescue and they were good for the here and now, stopped him feeling like he'd been marginalised, left out of the loop, but he wasn't cut out to be a desk jockey; being out in the field, it was like oxygen to him, and without it he knew he'd suffocate. He was good in here, but he was better out there, at times he was stellar, not him, them...when he was working with Gibbs and Tim he felt whole, without them he was missing the most important part of himself.
They'd helped him face the demons, Abby and Ducky too; in the dark moments when a return to any kind of work seemed like a distant dream one of them had been with him, telling him he would get better, showing him how far he'd come, assuring him he would be a field agent again. It wasn't a distant dream any longer, but it wasn't reality either, he was so close; had he messed up his psych evaluation? He was sure he'd done okay, he'd been honest about the way things had gone with his recovery, brutally honest; he'd opened up about his nightmares, his fears, his doubts. He had also made sure the psychiatrist understood that was in the past, he'd come through, with lots of help, and Tony knew that whenever he needed it that help was still available, any time, day or night.
He wasn't kidding himself that things would be easy from here on in; Ducky had made sure he knew he was taking part in a marathon not a sprint, Tony knew all about that, he was living through it, and without Gibbs and Tim by his side he wasn't sure he'd want to go back out there, if the field, maybe into danger. He needed his team, and more than anything he hoped they needed him too.
Tony clicked open his email again, just in case the alerts function wasn't working; nothing new since the last time he looked...forty seconds ago. He leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms above his head; there was so much tension in his shoulders, maybe he should go down to Autopsy, Abby had told him Jimmy gives a mean massage...no, he should stay right here and wait, couldn't afford to miss the email, it had to be here soon.
NCIS NCIS
"You look at your phone one more time McGee, it's going out the window."
Tim had thought Gibbs' attention was on the road ahead, he should have known better, he shoved the phone back in his pocket, a light blush staining his cheeks. "I...Tony...he should find out today."
Gibbs nodded, Vance had received Tony's psych report late Friday afternoon and they were all hoping he'd approve Tony's return to field duties. "Yeah, it's been a long time coming." As soon as he said the words Gibbs knew he'd made a mistake, he saw Tim take a deep breath and lean back against the headrest. "Not telling you again Tim."
"I've tried, but every time I see him look at us when we walk out the squad room I feel like...it should have been me Boss."
Tim stared out of the window, unwilling to look Gibbs in the eye; he knew he was being irrational; they'd all told him, Tony the loudest of all, that he should stop feeling any guilt over the shooting. More than once Tony had reminded him that when he said he'd take a bullet for Tim it wasn't empty rhetoric, but a solemn promise. On one level Tim knew and understood the nature of that promise and the fact that it was a two-way street, Tim would do the same for Tony and they both knew Gibbs felt the same way. Trouble was, Tim's mind didn't function on one level and in the quiet moments, just before sleep claimed him he couldn't help imagining what would have happened if Tony hadn't been with him in the apartment, or worse if the bullet had ripped through his heart...Tim was certain he couldn't have carried on working at NCIS if Tony had died.
Thankfully it was a choice he never had to make because Tony had lived, and after a long and not always easy recovery, he was just one step away from returning to the job he loved and at which he excelled. If only Vance would let them know, end the uncertainty. His hand went toward his pocket, not a good idea, Gibbs was most likely joking when he threatened to destroy his phone but Tim wasn't taking any chances.
"I'm going to stop this Boss, all the soul searching, I promise. Ducky recommended a therapist, showed me it wasn't just Tony who needed the help. I know you don't have much time for shrinks, only...talking it through with someone who doesn't know me...us..."
"Tim, what I think doesn't matter, I'm not a talker, never have been; I guess working in my basement keeps me sane, gives me a focus outside the job. If therapy can help you see you didn't do anything wrong, I'll buy Ducky a bottle of single malt to thank him for the recommendation."
They stopped at a red light and Gibbs turned to see Tim smiling at him. "What?"
"Thought you said you weren't a talker."
"Can't head slap you when I'm driving, but I owe you one."
"No problema...God, I wish..."
"When we get back, you start working on the new lead, I'll go see Vance right away, put us all out of our misery."
NCIS NCIS
Tony was trying to concentrate on the cold case file when the elevator pinged for what felt like the twentieth time; he'd been waiting for them to get back and every time he heard the elevator he hoped it was them. He looked up and grinned. "Hey Tim, you get anything from the witness?"
"Maybe, she gave us...never mind that, have you heard?"
"I get to hear a lot McCurious, sitting here hour after hour, not much more to do but listen." Tony couldn't help himself, teasing Tim was almost hardwired into his DNA, but he wasn't going to drag this out, not today. He got up from his desk and beckoned Tim to sit in his chair. "Take a look Tim. I'm not going to be stuck here any longer, see."
Tim stared at the screen, the email was from Vance and it said...Tim read it three times to be sure. "You're clear for field duty Tony, the Director, he said..."
Tony leaned against the desk so he could watch Tim's expression when he read the email, he figured it pretty much mirrored the way he'd looked himself when he saw it." "I know Tim, I read it."
"How many times?"
"Fifty, sixty maybe. I wanted it so bad and now, it's like all the best Christmas and birthday presents rolled into one."
Tim stood up, and not caring who was watching he grabbed Tony's shoulders and pulled him into a hug. "Took a long time Tony, can't tell you how much I've missed having you out there."
As often happened they didn't hear the footsteps, so the light taps on the back of their heads came as a total surprise, they jumped back in shock and turned to see Gibbs smiling at them, that rare smile he saved for very special occasions.
"You two gonna make out all day, or are you ready to work?"
"Are you kidding Boss? McGee and me, we were born ready!"
THE END (of this storyline. I hope to get to the letter N sometime.)