Castiel bit back a sigh of hurt and disappointment when Dean pulled away from him and went over to the coffeemaker. The skin on his body thrummed with feeling where Dean's arms had been and he felt bereft and exposed without them around him. The only thing he wanted, the one thing that would make his human life bearable, brighter, perhaps even wonderful, was the one thing he knew he would never have. Cas felt that he would gladly waste away if it meant he could kiss Dean, just once.
'Ok, so, how's this? How about we take a day off from researching, from all hunting, all demons, everything, and just spend the day doing fun human stuff?' Dean poured himself a mug of coffee and gave Cas that over-his-shoulder half smile that made Cas's heart flutter and ache. When he didn't reply, Dean turned around and gestured the coffee pot at Sam who was still sat opposite Castiel, looking thoughtful. 'Sam? What do you think?'
Sam blinked a few times then rubbed his eyes, like he was coming out of a daydream. 'Uh, yeah, sounds good Dean.' Cas was quite sure Sam had no idea what he was agreeing to.
'Ok, that settles it. Cas, you gonna have a cup of coffee? Then we can talk about what you'd like to do. Anything you want, ok?' Cas nodded and Dean nodded enthusiastically in that slightly manic way he did when he was worried or trying to cover. Embarrassed at touching you, Cas thought dully, as he gingerly accepted the steaming mug of black coffee Dean handed him, keeping his fingers away from Dean's.
Looking at Dean's expectant face and the concern showing clearly on Sam's, Castiel decided that what he really wanted to do, if he couldn't have Dean, was get utterly fucking hammered.
'No, Cash, you hash to bang your head, like, like you're smafshing it on a table or summit, right? Lesh try again. Sammy! Play it again!' Cas and Sam both groaned as Dean commanded that Back In Black be played for the third time in a row.
'What?! You don't like AC/DC? They're, fuckin', amazin', clashic rock!' Dean slurred at Sam, who was slumped so low on the couch that he was almost on the floor, unlike Cas, who actually was on the floor.
'Not eighteen times in a row, Dean! Puts sumfin' diff'ent on.' Sam reached out for his whiskey bottle, missing it several times before realising it was on his other side. 'Where'sh the fuckin… thash it *gulp* blech.'
'Cash! Cash, yous 'avin' good time, right?' Dean stumbled and fell on his knees, landing next to Cas, who was face down on the floor after attempting some ill-advised head banging.
'Yesh, Dean, 'cause, 'cause we're here,' Cas mumbled into the carpet, 'You're here, Dean. Dean Dean Dean,' Cas laughed to himself then burped and passed out.
'Cas, I'm not so sure that's a good-'
'Why not? Sounds good to me. Have a few drinks, maybe hit a bar, find you a nice girl, eh?' Dean winked at him and grinned lasciviously, hoisting his coffee mug in that celebratory manner that humans were so fond of. Cas smiled, or tried and failed if Sam's eyebrows were any indication, and then gulped down more of his bitter coffee.
'Ok but, you have to eat something first.' Sam raised his hands as Castiel opened his mouth to protest, 'Sorry but them's the rules. You've never experienced being drunk as a human and, trust me, drinking on a starv- empty stomach will just make you really ill.'
'Sammy's right, you'll have to have something.' Dean nodded then turned around and began looking through things. Castiel immediately felt his heartbeat speed up and his mouth went dry as he contemplated actually eating something; not just that but doing so in front of Sam and Dean who would be watching like hawks as he did so.
'You know, maybe that was, it was a stupid idea, I'll just-'
'Cas, you're going to eat something.' Dean said sternly as he produced a loaf of bread and a jar of honey. 'I know this is hard for you and, you know, I'm sorry for that, but you're going to make yourself sick so please.' Cas felt Sam's eyes on him and as he looked at Dean, anxiety making his hands shake, he realised he couldn't hide anymore. He opened his mouth to protest again but Dean sighed and looked at the floor, his brow furrowed and beautiful mouth turned down in the way that Castiel hated to see. 'Please, Cas, eat something. For me?' Dean's voice lilted hopefully and he glanced at Cas from underneath his eyelashes, who was licking his lips and feeling unsteady because of more than anxiety.
Sam stood up, breaking their eye contact as he retreated, murmuring something about getting supplies. Dean glanced at his brother and frowned but didn't say anything, instead opening the loaf of bread and popping two slices into the toaster before looking round at Cas.
'How about honey on toast? Just that. Would that be ok?' Dean asked him in a gentle voice that Cas both loathed and adored. He clenched one fist at the thought of eating anything so substantial but he nodded anyway, and looked up at Dean, gratified to see the other man smile. Dean pottered about, grabbing a plate for Cas's toast and dishing up the breakfast he'd been preparing earlier, murmuring to himself about Sammy warming his own damn breakfast as he tossed the eggs and bacon round the skillet, warming them through for himself. Castiel was quivering, trying hard to focus on the imperfections of the wood of the table top. Once upon a time, he would have been able to tell how old the tree had been when it was cut down, where it grew, who planted it, whether it had been loved by children who played beneath it or mostly ignored as its roots burrowed deep into the earth. Now, he could only appreciate the swirls and knots of the varnished wood.
'Here you go, honey on dry toast.' Dean settled down opposite him with his own plate of scrambled eggs with toast and bacon and placed a smaller plate in front of Cas. 'I used the brown 'cause, well, Sam says it's better for you, even if it does taste like cardboard,' Dean muttered as he bit into his own brown toast and eyed it disapprovingly.
Castiel was very close to having a panic attack, a full blown one like the one he had when he woke up human and thought he was about to die. His hands shook, the acid in his stomach roiled and pushed itself up into the back of Cas's throat, choking him as his body warred between its desire for sustenance and Castiel's resolute abhorrence of food.
Dean looked at him and sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. Cas tried to force a smile onto his face but it was a pathetic broken thing that only made Dean look more sad.
'Come on, Cas, you like honey.' Dean said then brightened up, his beautiful smile reaching his eyes as he relived a memory. Cas felt his face flush as he realised which one it was. 'Remember the time with the bees, when you showed up on top of my Baby? Eh?' Dean winked again and Cas had to laugh even as he went a deeper shade of red at the memory.
He had been crazy at the time; they had all known that. Well, Cas hadn't realised but that was sort of the point. Anyway, in his peculiar state, Castiel had decided that the best way to reach Dean's heart would be to put together nice things and associate them with himself. He had known that it would have to include the Impala, Dean was fond and protective of it, that there would need to be nudity, Dean enjoyed that a lot if his pornography choices were any indication (Cas may have peeked once or twice) and that it should also include food as Dean had a healthy appreciation for it. So, those things in mind, Cas decided that arriving naked, on the hood of the Impala, covered in bees ('Humans would die out without bees, Dean.') would inevitably make Dean fall head-over-heels in love with him and they would be together forever.
Naturally, it didn't work out like that. As Cas recalled, Dean had turned so red that he almost went purple, ran away from the curious bees that flew around him and shouting about not getting ass prints on his Baby. Not one of Cas's most successful endeavours.
Warmed by the silliness of the memory, Castiel nibbled delicately at a triangle of toast and smiled up at Dean who was watching him with a proud look on his face.
'Well done, Cas, I knew you could do it.'