A/N: The site keeps removing meyasterisks and anything else I put there to replace them so I'm sorry about that. Also, next chapter has porn! ^_^

At three am, a couple hours after putting a very drunk and adorably giggly Cas to bed, Dean finds himself, also very drunk, slumped with his forehead resting against Cas's bedroom door. He knows he should just go to bed, that no drunken encounter in the middle of the night could lead to anything good, but he wants. Without sobriety to fearfully lockdown the part of himself that craves Cas, Dean's fantasies are roaming wild in his head and making him want to do very stupid things, like walk right into Cas's room and kiss him and touch him in all the ways he's imagined since they first met in that barn.

Dean sighs and not-so-gently thunks his head against the door. Inside the room, Castiel stirs.

~#~

Dean was so relieved when Cas started to nibble on his toast that he almost reached out to rub his thumb across Cas's plump lower lip, his needy body aching to feel the soft skin on the pads of his fingers, but managed to stop himself and instead concentrate on his own food. Get a fucking grip, Dean snarled at himself inside his head. These… feelings had been easier to control on the road, during the apocalypse. He'd been so sure that everyone he loved was going to die that all he allowed himself to feel was rage and he clung to it in order to push back the guilt, fear, confusion, everything so he could focus enough to get the fucking job done. No time for dwelling, emotions don't mean shit when everyone's gonna die if you can't stop it. Dean'd done a pretty good job suppressing everything while in crisis mode. Well, apart from the few times he fell apart but that was stress! Shit, Sammy had been chugging demon blood, Bobby had thrown down endless bottles of whiskey and Cas…

Dean looked up from the forkful of eggs he'd been staring at to see Cas was looking at him, curiously, his head tilted in the owlish way that Dean had thought was weird at first then secretly grown to adore provoking, throwing in more and more references to books, films and tv shows, just to see the silly head tilt and the way innocent confusion filled those beautiful blue pools. Then Cas would squint and push out his lower lip in a small pout, perfect to take between his teeth and…

'Dean?'

Startled out of his thoughts, Dean dropped his fork, spilling scrambled egg on the table, and blinked at the other man who was watching him with familiar intensity. Dean immediately curved his lips up into a too-happy smile he knew had to look fake as hell but was his go to when he was embarrassed or nervous.

'Yeah, Cas?'

'You were… Is everything alright? Are you…' Cas's eyes dropped from Dean's, his eyebrows pulling together as he picked at the triangle of toast in his hand. 'Do you find me to be a disappointment in my new state?'

Dean jerked his head back a little and frowned, surprised that Cas could ever think that. 'Of course not, why would I be? I mean, I'm human. What am I gonna do, discriminate?'

'I don't mean that, exactly.' Cas sucked his lower lip into his mouth then out again and Dean shifted uncomfortably as his eyes followed the movement. 'I was an angel, I was useful to you, and Sam. I mean, that's why you kept me around-'

'What? No, Cas! Jesus, that's not why we kept-'

'Dean, please, let me finish.' Cas locked eyes with him, pleading and sad vulnerability clear in them. Dean stilled then nodded; he could explain later so Cas would understand that it wasn't like that. God, it was the complete opposite.

Cas sighed quietly before continuing. 'I was useful. I could heal, fly, all those things and that was helpful to you so you… accepted me more than you would another creature, another angel. Then, as time went on and we fought side-by-side, we became friends and I felt more important to you than just an ally. I know that…' Cas looked back at his toast and took a small bite, chewing slowly and swallowing in a way that looked painful, Dean too perturbed by what the former angel was saying to eat anything.

'Never mind,' Cas shook his head and took another bite of his toast and Dean felt the crush of disappointment as Cas withdrew from him again. Before Castiel fell, Dean'd gotten so used to Cas being open with him in a way that no one else had ever really been, not even Sam, in a way that made him feel… trusted. Important, even. But these last few weeks, even though Cas had been around more and closer than Dean ever thought he would be able to be, at the same time, he'd been so very far away, lost to Dean, withdrawn into himself. The third time Cas quickly exited a room soon after Dean entered it, Dean decided to bring it up with Sam, asking him if he knew what was up with Cas, if he'd done anything wrong. Sam just shook his head and said 'Keep trying, Dean, he needs you around.' Dean hadn't known what to do with that, and Bikkhu Winchester wouldn't offer up anything else, but he knew he needed to make Cas see, to know how much he was worth, before the former angel faded away.

'Cas… You know, it doesn't matter to me that you fell. I don't like how it's made you feel but it doesn't matter that you can't do that stuff anymore. You'll always be important to me… and Sam. You've always been more than just useful to me… us. We care about you. You're family.' Dean couldn't help but flush a little at his stilted confession but resolutely didn't drop his gaze from Castiel's as he said, 'I need you around. I have for a long time.'

The beautiful blue eyes widened in surprise then fluttered their gaze away as a pink blush spread across Cas's cheeks and a hideously fluorescent one bloomed on Dean's as he realised what he'd said, what it sounded like, what he knew it really meant. Dean gulped and stared down at his cold breakfast as the words kept throbbing in his head; I love you, Cas.

'Thank you, Dean,' Castiel said quietly before they fell into silence, each picking at their food, unspoken words hanging heavy between them. Dean's heart was pounding so hard and so fast that he felt like it was about to leap out of his chest. He'd known he was attracted to Cas, wasn't the first guy to have caught Dean's eye (though he'd never done anything about it, never crossed the line from flirting with a guy to fucking one, or, hell, even kissing one) and Cas's perpetually messy bed-hair and pillowy lips had popped up in jerk-off sessions more times than Dean had allowed himself to dwell on but he hadn't let himself feel for the angel, now former. Dean couldn't, not when so much was at stake, not when just keeping moving was so hard it took all his concentration to get out of bed, not when he knew, at any moment, the angel could be taken away from him forever. Dean's head reeled with the force of emotion as the dam inside him fractured and let him feel what he'd suppressed for so long.

Christ on a bike, Cas, I'm in love with you.

~#~

'If we watch The Matrix then we'll have to watch all three,' Sam said, gesticulating with his wine glass and spilling some on his own foot, a piece of popcorn stuck to his chin.

'No we don't, just the first one. The rest were shit.' Dean glugged his whiskey, his eyes looking a little bloodshot. He and Cas were sitting on the sofa, Cas at one end, Dean trying hard to stay at the other, and Sam was slumped over the armchair, like the sprawling tree that he was, on Dean's left. So far they'd consumed two and a half bottles of wine, eight beers and an indeterminate amount of whiskey, most of which had gone down Dean's throat and he was a fair bit more drunk than the other men. Well, Cas was looking a little worse for wear but happy and that made warmth curl low in Dean's stomach until he realised he was smiling and staring at Cas. He looked away and tried to resume his argument with his brother who was waffling some crap about Cas needing to know the whole story arc if he was to enjoy the irony of blah blah blah…

'Sam, we're not watching all three movies. I will die of boredom. In fact, I think we should watch Star Wars-'

'Not again, Dean! How many times do you have to see the same fucking film? It was bad enough when we were kids! You must've-'

'Made you watch it a hundred times. Yeah, yeah, Sammy, not like you made me watch-'

'For the love of everything in my Father's creation! Can we please just watch some sort of film and continue drinking?!' Cas suddenly shouted, making the brothers jump in surprise. Dean flushed, realising how much like bickering children he and Sam must sound to the millennia old angel (former; former angel) and murmured that Cas could decide instead which settled his brother and Cas who leaned back against the couch and rolled his eyes in the 'I'm fucking done' way he'd perfected as an angel as he gulped down some wine.

Dean spent the entire film watching Cas out of the corner of his eye and throwing down more whiskey until he had eye strain and an embarrassingly obvious boner which he kept trying to cover with his other leg, making his foot go numb where it was crossed over his thigh. Despite the obvious awkwardness of trying to conceal the tent in his pants, Dean decided that watching Cas watch films was his new favourite thing; the way the smaller man gasped when Neo awakes inside the pod of goo or how he smiles sweetly when Neo and Trinity kiss for the first time. He caught Dean looking more than once but never once looked annoyed or concerned, just smiled fondly at him and sipped more wine, a little red wine 'tache forming above his lips. Dean's mind wandered then fuzzed with whiskey and lust as Cas licked droplets of wine from his lips and picked experimentally at the food on the table in front of them. Dean noticed that Sam smiled encouragingly at Cas when he saw the other man eating and so he tried to do the same until he realised that was starting to look really creepy and that he should stop.

~#~

'Ok, Cash, ish time to sneep, sleep, on a bed. Can't sleep on floor, isn't comfy. 'll get carpet burn on face.' Dean slurred and tried not to lean down too far as he helped Cas up off the floor, in case he ending up falling over and landing on his head. The final strains of Back In Black were playing and Sam was snoring, a bottle of whiskey carelessly spilled at his feet. Dean had no idea how much they'd drunk at this point; all he knew was that the last couple of hours had been spent laughing uncontrollably at nothing (well, except at Cas's first attempts at dancing which had been so adorable that Dean had very nearly cuddled Cas, turning it into a manly hug at the last second, much shoulder patting) and playing Cas the finest of his music collection while trying to stop Sam from putting on more crappy modern music that Cas was bound to hate because he had better taste than that (he'd immediately liked AC/DC and Metallica which Dean was counting as a win).

'Dean, I, I… blech, I think I souldn't has drunken so much,' Cas slurred then giggled in Dean's ear as he half-carried the smaller man down the hall to his bedroom and gently lay him down on the bed. 'Ish not poshible that bunker's spinning, ish it? That would be a shtrange defensh mechanishm.'

Dean blinked, his eyelids scraping against his eyeballs as he staggered into Cas's bathroom and filled a glass of water for him before bringing it back and putting it on the bedside table and clicking the lamp on. The aspirin he'd thought to put there earlier were ready for Cas to take if he felt too awful and Dean drunkenly assured him there would be some sort of feel better food he would make especially for Cas the next day.

'I know is shtill hard but I will make greasy magic food that… makes better. Mmm'kay?' Dean told him as he tucked Cas in, his heart thudding painfully at the site of his angel (fuck it, he'd always be 'his angel' to Dean) looking so relaxed and happy.

'Did it, was it fun, Cash? Wash it what you wanted?' He couldn't resist running a hand through Castiel's especially mad hair, biting his lip when Cas all but purred and bumped his head into the touch like a sated cat.

'Yesh, Dean, it wash nice to spend time with you when nothing wash trying to kill us,' Cas mumbled then laughed to himself, 'My mouth is slow, my tongue ish heavy and furry, like a woolly mammof. They were very large Dean,' Cas said seriously then curled onto his side and began to snore, leaving Dean to go get in his own bed and try not to let his drunk-self talk him into doing things his sober-self would never allow.

~#~

'The door opened and Dean only had time to step back before a rather worse-for-wear Cas poked his head out.

'Dean?' Cas's usually deep voice was gravel rough sending little shocks of pleasure down Dean's spine, still slurring a little as he said 'Ish everything ok?'

Dean opened his mouth to say yes, of course, he'd merely got up for a glass or a spoon or something but instead nothing came out, just an aborted 'ah' noise that made his throat click. Cas frowned and motioned with his hand for to Dean to come into his now dark bedroom. Dean's hands clenched into fists at his sides as Cas stumbled past the bed to turn the small reading lamp on. Go back to your room, you fucking moron, this is a bad idea, don't shut that door! Dean screamed at himself even as he was closing the door behind him and sitting down on Cas's bed. Sweat was forming on the back of his neck and his stomach churned with more than just booze. Cas grabbed his glass of water as he threw a couple of pills into his mouth then took a big glug to help them go down while Dean just stared at the blanket on Cas's bed and picked at some of the blue threads that were coming loose. Cas held out the glass to Dean who took a small sip and handed it back.

Dean knew all the reasons why he shouldn't do this, why he didn't deserve this, that even if by some freak occurrence, Cas actually did have feelings for him, how wrong it was, how Dean was taking advantage, how he wasn't good enough for the angel, how… how…

'Dean? What's the matter?' Cas leaned over and placed his hand on top of Dean's and that was it; the feel of Cas's hand on his broke his last remaining defences.

Dean groaned as his self-loathing filled thoughts dissolved into a plea of kisshimkisshimkisshim and he reached out to wrap his hand around the back of Cas's neck and pulled him in for a desperate kiss.