Cas woke slowly, unaccustomed to the morning-after-the-night-before feeling, groaning a little when his head ached and the contents of his stomach sloshed as he gingerly rolled over, reaching out for… Cas sat right up, looking down at himself and the empty rumpled other side of the bed where he was sure Dean was meant to be.

Dean. Bits of memory flashed inside his mind but nothing useful, nothing tangible. Cas shook his head, trying to pull together some sort of coherent thought but groaned as the movement starting up a very unpleasant thumping inside his head.

Water, then words, ideas, memories.

He grabs the empty glass on the nightstand and suddenly remembers Dean nervously sipping from it. Cas looked over the bed where he remembered dean sitting, plucking threads out of the blue blanket. Cas had liked it because of its sky-like colour, reminding him of flying, Heaven and long drives spent in the Impala with Dean singing along to his music and smiling his devastating smile at Cas. Dean then bought it and left it on his bed for him without a word and had only smiled and turned away when Cas tried to thank him. Dean, whose lips tasted of salty-sweetness and whose hand had stroked him to orgasm for the first time. Dean, who had whispered Cas's name over and over, a desperate litany that mimicked prayer. Dean, who was no longer in his bed.

Cas threw on the first t-shirt he found to cover the itchy, dry remains of ejaculate in case Sam was up and then quickly went to knock on Dean's door, his heart pounding anxiously as he waited for the other man to respond. He knocked again then, after more silence, he tried the doorknob. It opened easily in his hand and the door swung open to reveal Dean's dark, empty bedroom.

'Mornin', Cas,' Sam said as he came down the hallway and walked towards his room, 'Dean left a note; he found a case in somewhere in the north of Iowa, said he'd be back in a few days.'

Cas felt his legs go weak beneath him and clutched at the door frame to keep himself vertical as Sam casually broke his heart with the news. Pain unlike any he'd ever known as an angel or as a human throbbed through him, like his heart had expanded into broken ribs, like his hopeless stupidity had formed a hand and was squeezing his heart into puree as he stared into Dean's room and tried to absorb what he should have known all along; Dean doesn't love him. He never did.

~#~

Cas wasn't sure about the wine at first; the yellow liquid Sam presented him with first had the bitter sting of bile, reminding him of the burn of vomiting. He was still a little too shaken by his conversation with Dean to really relax into the human-centric day he had requested but he knew that he definitely did not want any more if it tasted like that. Sam had tried not to laugh as he choked on the vile liquid but Dean had seemed pleased by his distaste. Same with Cas's displeasure with the loud, head-pounding music Sam had introduced him to. In all honesty, he could see why Sam liked it and, secretly, he had felt an urge in his limbs that seemed to equate with how Sam bounced a little in his seat to the rhythm of the music, but Cas didn't want to disappoint Dean with his tastes.

Throughout the day, Dean let him have little sips of his whiskey whenever Sam wasn't looking which gave Cas a little thrill; he liked the way Dean would nudge him with his elbow and make an elaborate show of passing the glass to him, sometimes with a conspiratorial wink and a huff of a laugh when Cas quickly schooled his features from a crinkly-eyed grimace to wide-eyed innocence when Sam looked round. Of course, Sam soon caught him and while Cas was disappointed that he could longer sip from Dean's glass, he was also a little relieved as the room was quickly getting blurry and he was getting loose-lipped.

'Dean… Dean!'

'Wassat, Cas? You ok? Things… things ok?'

'I… I care about you, Dean. A lot.'

'…ahhhhh, I care about you too,' Dean chuckled drunkenly as he rubbed his knuckle against the top of Castiel's head in a strange way that seemed to make him happy and which Sam referred to as a moogie or noogie or something, Cas couldn't hear properly as Dean accosted him. Cas saw Sam roll his eyes, as he did many times that evening' any time he and Dean were engaged in any type of activity. It would be logical to assign Sam's face-making to a sort of sibling rivalry except that Cas couldn't help but notice the fond, hopeful glint in Sam's eye whenever he looked at Dean and Cas together.

Cas noticed that Dean kept checking on him, to see if he was enjoying the film Sam and Dean had chosen; an interesting production about the intricacies of God's plan and sad abandonment of his creation and the lives he created for it. At first, Castiel had felt nostalgic as the films meaning made itself apparent but then he couldn't help but be swept up by the two main protagonists; how one was destined to change the world but could not believe in himself enough to achieve all he was meant for, and the person he loved who knew more than he did but couldn't help being awed by his strength and skill as he took on the demons of their world. Cas was not sure if the film was meant to be an obvious allegory or a subconscious one but he felt gratified any time Dean looked over at him with that knowing look on his face.

Then, drunker and later, Cas was attempting to copy Dean's dance movements, most of which seemed to consist of whipping one's head up and down in a neck-breaking manner and twiddling one's hands in the air as though there was some sort of shape-changing instrument in front of them; playing the instrument correctly seeming less important than the vigour with which Dean, Cas or Sam threw their hands around. The sight of Dean's expression, lit-up like a small boy, like there was no heavy load on his shoulders, was enough to make Castiel throw himself into the dancing, gratified to keep that wide smile on Dean's face for a little while longer. When Castiel spoke up and mentioned that he really liked on of the songs, Dean flushed and said it was called 'Addicted To Love' by Robert Palmer then turned it up for him, punching Sam in the ribs when the taller man winked lasciviously at him.

Cas felt hope blossom inside his chest.

~#~

Much later in the night, after Dean had helped him to bed (his mobility somewhat hampered by the large amount and variety of the alcohol he had consumed) and he had fallen into a blank unconsciousness as opposed to his usual fitful sleep, Castiel heard a thud against his bedroom door which was loud enough to jerk him awake, followed by some incoherent mumbling that Cas thought sounded like Dean. He untangled himself, groaning a little as his head throbbed painfully, and climbed out of the sweaty sheets and over to the door, swiftly opening it to see what was going on.

Cas felt his eyebrows draw together when he saw the frightened and conflicted look on Dean's face, immediately concerned that something had happened, even more so when Dean did not respond to his questions, instead fidgeting and gulping nervously in a way Cas had never seen the man, not even when he was facing down the worst monsters he'd ever hunted.

He motioned his hand in a way he understood was an invitation and went to turn on the light and take some of the pills Dean had suggested he may need when he awoke after the consumption of much alcohol. After forcing them down his throat, Cas joined Dean and sat on the bed, offering the water to Dean who took a perfunctory swig before handing it back and resuming his intense study of Castiel's bed coverings. Actively nervous now and hating the awkward silence in the room, Cas laid a hand over Dean's and tried again to find out what was troubling Dean enough to bring him to Cas in the middle of the night.

As Cas spoke, Dean groaned and suddenly he was wrapping a big warm hand around the back of Castiel's neck and pressing his lips against him in a hard kiss that shocked Cas into stillness before he was grabbing hold of Dean and pressing his lips as hard as he could against the other man's, desperate for more. He never understood, never conceived before that the simple action of pressing his lips to another person's pair could feel so exciting and so terrifying; it certainly hadn't that time with Meg.

As Dean gasped against his mouth and pulled them down flat on the bed, Cas felt his erection throb inside his sweatpants and couldn't help nipping at Dean's lip. He knew he wanted to touch Dean, all of him, in any and every way which would bring Dean pleasure and in the ways he had found himself fantasising about more and more; Cas wanted to lick that band of flesh on Dean's stomach that showed whenever he stretched, he wanted to kiss and bite at the long golden expanse of Dean's beautiful neck, he wanted to kiss all up the inside of Dean's legs, paying special attention to his knees that made his legs bow in that way that made Castiel want to sink his teeth into them. He wanted everything they could have together but he had to know, had to be sure that this was ok, that this was right, that Dean really wanted him even a quarter as much as Cas needed him.

Faintly embarrassed at the way his voice cracked, breathless and desperate, just like the rest of him, Castiel made himself ask Dean, to make sure this was not going to be a mistake, that Cas was not going to have his heart broken in the morning. Unable to control himself, Cas pushed his hips forward to press his hardness against the answering solid warmth in Dean's jeans as he asked, 'Dean… Oh, Dean, are you sure? Do you really-?' and felt like his chest would burst with love when Dean kissed him again and responded 'Yes, Cas, I really.'

His recollection of what happened next was mostly sensual, words and movements falling away, lost to sensations Castiel had never felt before, that he had never in his wildest imaginings thought could feel so wonderful. Dean moved his hands over Castiel's body and every touch was like pleasure and pain, so powerful that every ache and pulse forced gasps and moans from Castiel's lips as he writhed beneath the hunter.

Castiel gave himself over to Dean, confessed his wants to him, curled around the larger man like he could touch every part all at the same time, lips and fingers flying over Dean's soft freckled skin, Castiel's blue eyes widening to almost cartoonish size as Dean's cock brushed against his own and set off sparks behind his eyes and deep inside his body, like a glorious electric shock of pleasure. And then Dean was touching him and Castiel lost all control. The feeling, already so intense, exploded as Dean pulled them both in hand and began sliding them both through his tight grip. Cas couldn't stop crying out, nonsense, cuss words and Dean's name, over and over like a benediction, his mind and body too overwhelmed with the mind blowing physical sensations Dean was creating in his body as well as Castiel's profound love for Dean as the two men moved together.

When Dean's beautiful noises of joy began to grow in volume and Castiel heard his own name, the feelings inside him reached a peak that was almost too much, almost too powerful and, for a moment, Cas wasn't sure if his body could handle any more. He stared into Dean's eyes, his mouth dry as he cried out 'Oh, Dean! Oh, I can't, too much, ah, ahhh…'

'It's ok, Cas, just, oh fuck, just, ah! Just, let, go… Fuck, Cas, Cas, Cas!' Dean growled his name, his whole body shaking before he went rigid and pulses of thick white liquid shot between their bodies. Cas dug his fingers into Dean's shoulders as the sensation reached its precipice, his orgasm, and then screamed Dean's name helplessly as his whole body vibrated and sparked with it, blurring his vision, ripping away his control as he shuddered against Dean's quaking body then collapsed down onto the bed in Dean's arms, immediately losing consciousness as he did, his body finally sated by the man he loved.

~#~

'Cas? Hey, Cas?!' Sam was shaking him as he stood, staring into Dean's bedroom, clutching to the doorframe so he wouldn't fall down. 'You ok there, buddy? Bad hangover?'

Cas felt that he should school his features into something more composed but he couldn't as he turned to look Sam in the eye. Sam's eyes widened and he gulped as he took in Cas's expression, immediately understanding what had happened, what was happening, then he scowled and huffed breath out of his nose as he looked into Dean's room and snarled 'Dean, you are going to fucking pay for doing this.'

Cas just slid down to the ground and stared helplessly at his hands as what was left of his life fell apart.