Chapter 4: Home Again, Home Again
May 23, 2011 AD
The second prince of Asgard was back, not that anyone knew, and not that he was by any means well. Hale and healthy was not how one could describe Loki Odinson. For three days straight after he returned, he slept. He could not be awakened, which made Thor nervous. He would shake his brother and call to him, and get no response, at all. It was on the fourth day that Loki fully woke, Thor and Frigga were both with him, though Thor had fallen asleep in the seat he'd pulled from the fireplace, head on Loki's bed, holding his hand in a vice grip. Frigga had been awake, she being the one who had told Thor to sleep. Loki had been more than a little disoriented, but he fought through the fog to speak a little with his mother. He woke more often afterwards, but he was still so tired all of the time, he could barley speak, telling Thor it was exhausting talk and try to sit up. Loki wouldn't eat, barely drank, and refused to move out of his bed. It was a week from his resurrection and Thor's patience was gone. Loki was going to eat something today.
"Loki! Brother wake up!" Loki groaned as Thor barged into his room. He wished had had more energy, or he would have barred Thor from coming in at all. But as he could not, Loki resorted to rolling over and pulling his covers over his head. It worked on Odin, and Frigga would usually leave him be if he seemed too tired. Thor was different. Thor was Thor, and Thor was an idiot. "Loki, get up! It's a wonderful day!" Thor spread out the curtains, which Loki had asked stay closed so he could sleep easier during the day. He squeezed his eyes shut as the light poured into the room.
"Thor, I'm trying to sleep. Please leave me be." He grated out, pulling himself farther under his blanket to try and hide from the light. Thor refused to let him, and pulled the comforter off his bed. Loki yelped and curled up into a ball, peaking out to scowl at Thor, and grasping his sheets tightly.
"Come on, little brother, you have to eat, or you will soon blow away in the wind. I do not want that to happen. Come, Loki. You cannot starve yourself." Thor began to pull at the sheets, but found Loki's grip even weaker than he thought. Though his brother held them tightly, Thor took them easily.
Loki finally looked at Thor through squinting eyes, unused to being used. "You don't have any food with you." Loki looked confused.
"Of course not. We're going to get some together, from the kitchens." Thor replied. Loki would have rolled his eyes, if he were not so tired from sitting up and talking.
"Thor, no one knows I'm alive. Even if I could walk, I wouldn't because no one is supposed to know I'm here, remember?"
"Could you at least get out of your bed then, sit by the fireplace?"
"No. I really can't Thor, I'm sorry." Loki fell back into a laying position, closing his eyes and sighing. He expected Thor to say something, urge him to at least try to stand, but nothing came, only silence. Loki opened one eye again, and looked at Thor. He'd never seen his brother so upset, eyes glued to the floor and brimming, red with unshed tears, blond eyebrows meshing into each other and face pulled tight in sadness. "Thor, what's wrong?" Loki pried himself up so he sat against his headboard. Thor's blue eyes looked almost as tired as Loki felt, and they were full of guilt.
"This is my fault." Loki cocked his head. His fault? "If I had listened to you, then none of this would have happened, would still be happening." Thor didn't like this. He felt so helpless, so useless. He'd failed Loki when it counted the most, and now he was failing again.
"How in the nine realms could any of this possibly be your fault?" Thor started to talk, but Loki cut him off. "I admit, I did not expect what happened, Baldur's method of getting me out of the way was more underhanded than I thought it would be, but I cannot see how you place the blame on your shoulders. Baldur was quite clever in what he did, he caught me unawares and used everything against me. If I had been in your position, and you were on trial, I'm afraid I would have sided with Baldur as well. But, all in all, things worked out as I hoped they might, everything after my… well it went as I intended."
"What do mean, as you intended?" Thor asked. The younger frowned, green eyes swimming with confusion.
"You got that letter I wrote, didn't you?" Loki asked quietly, hoping that had been the case. He knew something had gone rather wrong with his spell, given that nearly four centuries had passed since his death, and perhaps Thor had never found the notebook. But Thor nodded, which sent Loki into more confusion. "I described it in there. Don't think I meant to die or anything, I was only making a contingency plan in case it came to that." Loki explained. "How come it took you so long to find it?"
"Something went wrong with your spell, I think. The book only appeared when I destroyed my desk with Mjolnir."
"Oh." Loki looked a bit ashamed at his misstep. Thor ran his hands through his hair, laughing softly.
"Do you want any food, brother?" Loki raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. Thor got up then, and went to the door.
"Thor, wait, aren't you-." Thor left the room, and shut the door, "going to ask what I want. Oh well." Loki settled back into a more comfortable position sitting up. He'd have to sit up to eat anything, and getting up was tiring, so best to stay up. He wasn't going to hold his breath, though. Thor was always easily distracted. Best to forget food, he wasn't even hungry.
Carrying two plates of food, one piled much higher than the other, Thor pushed his way though Loki's door. At least the palace was mostly empty, so he didn't have to sneak around too much, though he had gotten a few odd looks from the kitchen staff when he was gathering the goodies. He was quiet as he did so, wondering if Loki was still awake, and indeed he was, though he was not looking at Thor. He was staring down his nightstand, a book he clearly wanted perched on top of it. His brother watched him for a moment until finally, Thor couldn't resist, crept up to Loki and whispered in his ear.
"Boo." Loki's head spun around his eyes wide with shock, not even bothering to cover it as his chest heaved up and down, until he finally calmed himself and glowered at his brother. Thor smiled; despite the fact that Loki's initial reaction had made him a little nervous. "Consider that revenge for all the times you have surprised me." Thor walked over with the two plates of food he had, passing Loki the lighter one.
"You make it too easy." Loki took the plate from Thor, and looked at its contents. What was on it surprised Loki more than Thor's entrance. It had all of what were his favorite foods on it, ready and waiting for him. None of the typical hardy Asgardian fare that Thor so loved, instead he had a plate of fruit mostly.
"Did you honestly think I wouldn't recall my own brother's favorite foods? Loki, I'm hurt." Loki glanced up a Thor from his plate, smiling broadly.
"I didn't think you paid any attention to my eating habits." Loki replied. Thor shrugged and motioned for Loki to eat his food as Thor himself stuffed his face. Loki just stared at it. Thor paused in his consumption, swallowing thickly as he looked at his younger brother.
"Loki, what's wrong?" Thor asked, seeing that Loki hadn't touched any of the food.
"Nothing is wrong Thor. I just haven't eaten in 400 years." Oh. He hadn't thought of that really. He knew it was the truth, and a truth he could hardly imagine. Thor loved food, not having it for so long would be worse than death. For Loki, it was only now that he had the food in front of him did he realize just how hungry he was. At the moment, part of him just wanted to wolf down the entire plate, but the rest of his mind reminded him that this was the first time he'd eaten in 368 years, so he should probably savor it. So he did, eating his fruit ever so slowly. "I missed food." Well, he hadn't really missed it. He'd had no sense of anything; it was like he had merely ceased to exist. There was one fuzzy memory, of light and gold and someone with a deep voice telling him it would be all right, he'd be ok, and then nothing. For what was both ages and an instant, like a deep dreamless sleep, there was nothing. But it was still pure joy when the flavor hit him.
Thor laughed quietly at Loki. His brother had his eyes closed, a small subtle smile in his face, the picture of pleasure. "Feeling better?" He asked once Loki had finished.
"Yes, much." Loki replied, turning to Thor and smiling softly. "Thank you." For the first time, Loki really felt alive, like he was really living and breathing and not just a dead body with thoughts and a beating heart. Thor smiled as he gathered the plates of food and walked to the table by the door to put them down for the servants.
Silence hung in the air for a moment, neither brother saying anything. It was not as though Thor had nothing to say, he had so much to say. He had so much to tell Loki, things he'd never said, forgotten to tell his beloved brother. He just could not find the words, it was as though his jaw was locked by indecision, and his own useless tongue could form no words to say what he so longed to.
Loki said nothing either. His dilemma was quite different than Thor's, however. To him, the four hundred years since he'd died had felt like both an eternity and only an instant. Stuck in limbo for so long, where there is no sense of time but the tickings of his own fogged mind, Loki had nothing to tell. He felt so lost, desperate for anyone to tell him anything of the time he'd lost, so much time it caused him a ceaseless agony, making his very soul itself ache. Loki had nothing to say, but longed only to be held, to be talked to, to know that even after his long absence, he'd never been forgotten. Loki was all too aware that he had lost so much time, it was panging in his mind every moment.
There was one thing that Thor did not forget about his brother, and it was how Loki looked when he was distressed. His eyes would fill with worry, and he would stare off into nowhere. What Thor could not know was what troubled his brother. It could be any number of things, and Thor could not choose. Then a thought struck him. No one outside of the royal family, besides Heimdal and a very few trusted servants, knew of Loki's return. There were a number of reasons for this, chief among them a fear for Loki's life. But it meant that the only people he had seen were Thor, his mother and father. So perhaps a change of faces would do Loki good. Sif of course should know that her plan had worked, not that she even it had been enacted in the first place. And of course the warriors three were Loki's friends, they should know, and it would do Loki good to see them.
"I will be right back." Loki looked up abruptly as Thor left his room, only to poke his head back in. "Try to stay awake until I return." Thor rushed down the hall, going to the first place he could think of his friends being. They had claimed the balcony for themselves long ago, and it was always a good place to start if looking for any of the Warriors Three.
Even from down the hall, Thor could hear Volstagg's boisterous laughter. What he could not hear was what he was laughing about. Sif was telling a story that few others knew about her and Loki. It was of course the result of loosing a bet.
"And so of course Loki was horrified! He had no idea what to do, or even what to say. He just stood there, gaping, completely dumbfounded! So the dwarf continues, saying that is so very rare for Æsir to have black hair, and that he had not heard of any besides the prince…"
"Oh no." Fandral laughed, knowing what must come next.
"So Loki grabs me with one arm around my shoulder and he says, 'no, sir, this is my sister, and Odin and Frigga only have sons.' Of course the dwarf just shakes his head, says that me and Loki look nothing alike, other than our hair of course. Then Loki says that I was adopted, at which point I got fed up and slapped him."
"In the face?" Fandral asked, shocked that Sif had struck her prince. Sif nodded, smiling.
"He took it very well though, and I had hit him quite hard. But the dwarf was convinced that if the man with me was the prince of Asgard, he would never have taken being slapped in the face by a subordinate woman so well, and let us right in. And the most shocking part of it is that he hardly cared, he just rubbed his jaw a bit and told me it was fine!"
"I still cannot believe you slapped a member of the royal family! And he never told anyone!" Volstagg laughed again. It was at this moment that Thor entered the room. He'd been standing behind the door for sometime, listening to the story Sif told. It was not one he'd heard before, and he was going to have to ask Loki if it was true. However, most of the backs in the room were turned to him, and the members of the conversation so consumed with it, that none saw Thor come in.
"I for one am not entirely sure of all the stories details." Fandral said. "I think that perhaps Loki would have had a rather different telling of it, Sif." Finally, seeing that he was unnoticed, Thor coughed loudly. All the heads in the room spun to him, and Fandral looked particularly pale. "Thor! I was not aware you were there."
"It is alright my friend." Thor replied, earning a confused look from the others, though Hogun was stoic as ever. Usually Thor would get very sullen when Loki was spoken of, so his friends rarely did so with him present. Thor sat down on the couch near them, trying to figure how to tell them his rather large secret.
"I have noticed, Thor, that you have been in rather good spirits of late. And you seem to be spending a good deal of time near or in Loki's old room. Why?" Sif asked. She knew it was a bold question, but she had to ask, she had to know if her suspicions were true. Much to her surprise, Thor smiled broadly.
"Can you keep a secret, my friends?" They all nodded, saying they could. "It is vital that you repeat to no one what I am to tell you. And please, do not think me mad, I am not." Thor paused, hushing his usually booming voice. "Loki is alive." He got a couple of blank stares. "I assure you, I am not mad, I was just speaking with him a moment ago." The warriors in the room could not believe their ears. Loki, Prince Loki, dead for nearly 4 centuries, was alive? Well, Sif was beaming because she knew her little plan she told Thor of had worked.
"How?!" Fandral finally blurted out.
"Hela. She returned him to me, not two weeks ago. We haven't told anyone yet as Loki is less than healthy, today was the first time I have gotten him to eat anything." It took a moment for the news to sink in for everyone. Fandral was the first to respond.
"Can we go and speak to him?" He asked. Thor nodded quickly.
"Yes of course, that is why I came. Now, I did not tell Loki that I went to get you, so he might have fallen back asleep while I was gone. It's almost all he does."
"Is he all right?" Sif asked, concerned. Thor nodded, but with considerably less conviction than before. He was not sure if Loki was all right, but had faith that his brother was recovering.
"Come, I think it would do him good to see familiar faces." Thor said, standing. "Just don't tell anyone of his being here." He repeated, again getting confirmation from his friends. It was a quick and quiet journey to Loki's room. Like it did for Thor, this room held a number of memories for each of the warriors, mostly revolving around a problem they had that they had gone to the younger prince for help with. Every time, without fail and whatever he was doing, Loki would help his friends; that was something they could count on. His door was open to them, for anything at all. But none of them had been there for so many years, memories still hanging oppressively in the air.
When the reached the golden carved doors, Sif could feel her heart pounding in her chest, so hard she was sure the others could hear it, and she almost it mistook the sound of Thor's knocking. There was no answer, and Thor figured that Loki had simply fallen back into sleep while he was gone, but upon opening the door, he found that was wrong.
"Why didn't you answer, Loki?" Thor asked, standing in the door still. The warriors stood behind him, unable to see.
"I knew you would just come in any way, so I saw little point in wasting my breath." Sif put her hands over her mouth at the sound of a voice she had not heard in so long. Both Fandral and Volstagg's eyes grew wide, and even Hogun looked a little surprised. "Thor, what are you hiding?"
"Your friends want to see you." Thor answered. Loki looked up from his book, looking a little confused.
"My friends? Thor, no one is supposed to know I'm here." Loki asked, a bit wary and trying to see past Thor. Thor shrugged.
"I told them." Loki rolled his eyes. Leave it to Thor to forget the rules because he wanted to do something. Oh well, Loki supposed his friends could be trusted, and he did want to see them.
"Well don't just stand in the doorway, Thor. Let them in." Thor smiled broadly, letting the warriors in after him. Sif was the first into the room, and she lost all restraint at the door. She rushed over to his bedside, throwing her arms around his thin frame, pulling him into a tight embrace that he returned as much as he could. She let go of him, looking him over.
"You look well." She said, trying not to slight Loki. In reality, he looked terrible. Loki smirked at her.
"There is no need to lie Sif, I know very well I look like death warmed over." Loki said, then clamped his jaw shut, immediately regretting his choice of words. Where was his silver tongue when he needed it? Fandral seemed to be the only one to find humor in the remark, smiling as he sat down at the foot of Loki's bed. "It is good to see you all. I can honestly say I missed you." Loki smiled at his friends. Like he had told Thor in those foggy moments on his first day, he forgave them, all of them. They had all thought he'd betrayed everything and everyone, they had reacted in kind. He had expected no more of them than that, he had expected no more of anyone. That didn't mean it didn't hurt, it meant he understood their actions, and he could forgive them. Besides, they knew the truth now, and they held nothing against him any longer, enough was enough.
"We missed you as well, Loki. There was no one to get us out of trouble any longer, and Thor was a terrible wet blanket all of the time." Fandral said with a smirk, eyes wandering over to the elder prince. Loki looked over at his brother with an apologetic look in his eyes, Thor smiled softly back. Volstagg came over, clapping a hand on Loki's shoulder, making the frail prince wince slightly.
"It is good to see you, my friend. We thought you gone forever." The large warrior exclaimed. Loki smiled and shook his head.
"So did I. I have to say, Thor, I have no idea how you convinced Hela to send me back. Care to tell us the tale?" Loki asked, making all of the warriors turn to Thor, looking for the story. Thor shook his head. His pride would be far to damaged by the story, and it was not a pleasant one for him. Carrying Loki back from Hel on Sleipnir was one of the worst times of his life. The sight and feel of Loki's lifeless and cold form laying against him, head lolling onto Thor's shoulder, arms and body hanging limp and jostling with each step Sleipnir took had been seared into his memory. He did not want to relive that, not now, not ever.
"I cannot share that story with you, my friends. It is not a good one." Thor said simply. Loki cocked his head but let his brother deny them, returning to the conversation with his friends. Thor listened happily, mind wandering back to the days before Loki had been accused, killed. Days when he, his brother, and his friends would sit on their balcony telling stories all day long, when he would tease Loki about always reading, or about his pursuit of magic. Thor let the memories wrap around him, calming him. He felt that he could be returning to those days, when things were well in the world, when Thor had his younger brother by his side and everything was going to be just fine.
Thor's friends were still trying to wrap their heads around the fact that they were speaking to their long dead friend. He was just as they recalled him, though he was weaker and thinner than before, but there was the familiar life and light in his bright green eyes. It was a shock to their systems, to be sitting there with him, but they each forced themselves to forget it, and speak as if nothing had happened, forget the transgressions passed between them and talk as friends.
Though it was the longest Loki had stayed awake in a very long time, he tired quickly as he spoke with his friends. He forced himself to remain aware of the conversation, but he was slipping closer and closer to sleep as they continued to talk. Eventually, he could stay awake no longer, and slipped into the warm arms of rest.
"I think our friend is tired." Hogun said, rising slowly and quietly. The warriors three slipped out of the room silently, leaving Thor and Sif as Loki slept. Sif was sitting next to Loki's beside, gazing at him with wet eyes. Happy tears, Thor knew. Sif and Loki had been close friends, both constantly having to prove themselves and their worth, their "penance" for taking up practices usually left to the opposite gender. Thor had known for a long time, even before Loki was proved to have been innocent of the things he was accused of, that she had longed to apologize for the things she had said to him when he was awaiting death. It had served to get worse after he was vindicated, which was part of the reason she had come to him with the plan to get him back, she was desperate to tell him how sorry she was.
"He usually wakes if you shake his shoulder." Thor whispered. Sif smiled, wiping an eye as Thor left. She sat there for a while, trying to gather the words to say how sorry she was. Loki was always so good with them, and she was so unskilled. Would he even forgive her? Her words had been so harsh to him, words of pure hatred. They were once close friends, and she had turned her back on him without even so much as a thought. There was a time when she would have come into this room with any number of troubles or worries and let him help her, let him banish them to the wind. Now she could not even gather the courage to say how terribly sorry she was. Sif sighed, telling herself not to be coward. The air had to be cleared.
"Loki…" Sif whispered. She looked up, confronted only by the peacefully sleeping form of her friend. She reached out a hand to his shoulder, shaking him gently. "Loki, I need to talk to you." Loki's green eyes blinked open slowly, locking onto Sif's face.
"What is it Sif?" He asked groggily, rubbing one of his eyes. Sif felt a little guilty for waking him, but continued her course of action.
"I wanted to apologize to you, for the things I said to you, before…" she trailed off; hoping Loki would know what she was talking about. She found herself staring at the floor, afraid to look at Loki and see rejection there. "They were wrong, I was wrong. Even if what Baldur said was the truth, I should never have said such things to you. I am sorry, Loki. I was your friend, and I betrayed you, I didn't trust you." Loki leaned down, trying to get a look at Sif's face.
"Sif. Sif, look at me." He whispered, putting a hand on her shoulder. Sif looked up with sad, red eyes. He smiled at her warmly, holding her shoulder as strongly as he could. "Sif, you are my friend. I will never hold against you the words you said then. For all you knew, I had betrayed you, my country, my king and my own brother. You had every right to hate me, I do not blame you. And I forgive you."
"You do?" Sif asked, her voice hopeful. Loki pulled her closer to himself, leaning over to her. Sif returned the embrace.
"Of course I do Sif." He whispered. He felt Sif sigh in relief on his shoulder, and he smiled tiredly to himself. They pulled apart and Loki sighed. "Now, I was asleep, and I am exhausted." He said, sending her a look.
"Of course!" Sif almost jumped out of her seat, feeling much lighter now. "Rest well, Loki. And get better quickly." She said, slipping out of the room. Loki let out a long breath, slid down to a more comfortable position, pulled his covers over him, and slept once more.