Chapter 2: Have You Told Them?

June 3, 2011

Loki's recovery sped up considerably after the one-week mark. His strength returned to him, the clinging exhaustion went away with the wind. His ability to walk returned, and with it came the desire to leave his room. However, Loki's very life was still a closely guarded secret, and Odin wasn't going to let his still weak son wander around the palace like some ghost.

"What do you think is going to happen to me? That someone will jump out of the shadows and attack me?" Loki asked his father, who was standing across the room from him. Odin took a deep breath. He understood Loki's angst, but Loki had to understand their concern.

"Loki, as strong as you may feel, your body will be very weak for some time to come. It is not just that someone might attack you, but rather some illness or disease." Odin tried to explain. Loki's glare told him that the explanation had made him even more upset.

"So you're worried I'll get sick? Is that it?" Loki snapped from his seat. "Your scared that if I go outside my room, I will catch some sickness, and die?" Odin flinched at little at the last words, but smoothed over it quickly.

"It is not only that, Loki." Odin replied. "As you know, few people know of your being here. Not the whole of Asgard believes what Baldur did. If any of those knew of you, Loki, they would call for your death again. Some of them may even act. Even within our own guard, Loki, there are those that do not believe Baldur has done anything." Loki looked at the ground, conceding the point.

"When do I get out, then?" He asked, turning his emerald gaze back at his father. "You cannot plan to keep this a secret forever, father."

"The knowledge will be made public when you are strong enough to protect yourself." Odin replied.

"Won't you need a healer to tell you that?" Loki asked pointedly, reminding his father that even Eir, the chief healer, was oblivious to what was going on. Odin just scowled at him. "Thor cannot keep the secret for very long, you know. A few more weeks and he'll be like a giddy school girl with something to gossip about."

"Loki." Odin said sternly.

"You know it's true." Odin's scowl only deepened, and Loki left off his humor, which apparently his father no longer welcomed. Then a thought wormed its way into his mind, nagging at him until it was addressed.

"What have you done with Baldur?" He asked quietly. He looked up, locking eyes with his father.

"He is in the dungeons." Odin replied sternly. "He does not know you are alive." Well of course not. Loki nodded, pulling himself out of his chair.

"I want to speak with him." Loki announced. Odin frowned. "Before you say no, let me explain. I have thing to say to him, things I need to tell him. Despite all he has done to you and Thor and I, he is still my brother. I cannot leave him down there in prison and forget about him." Odin's gaze softened, understanding Loki's request. He nodded slowly, he could appease Loki in this matter.

"I will take you to see him, but you will have to be quiet, my concealment spells are not quite so effective as I know yours are." Loki nodded gently, keeping silent. Odin nodded quickly, then led his son out of the room. Loki hadn't walked very far, or very fast, in a long time. Odin's quick pace to the dungeon, which was a long way from his room, might prove more tiring than he expected. And through the walk, his mind was so occupied with seeing Baldur, he was oblivious to his home passing him by, not sparing a glance at the golden walls he'd known so well.

Odin spoke to the guards as Loki slipped by them quietly. Baldur's cell was apart form the others there, in the back on its own. Loki walked carefully by the light of the walls, clear and shinning like gold in the gloom. The insides of the cells were blank and white, nothing inside them but the prisoners they held. Baldur's cell was no different, and the former prince sat against the back wall, staring out at the nothing before him. Loki felt his father shed his concealment spell, and Baldur's eyes locked onto him instantly.

"Well, this is a surprise. My long dead brother, paying me a visit." Baldur said in a singsong tone. He picked himself up off the ground, coming over to the wall where Loki stood. "What could you possibly want?"

"Just to talk." Baldur came away from the window, laughing bitterly.

"To talk. Like you wanted to talk in the range? Like then?" He asked, looking at Loki over his shoulder, dark blue eyes like slits. "Are you here to say I told you so?"

"No, Baldur. I'm not here to gloat, I'm here to talk." Baldur whirled around, slamming his fist into the wall, making Loki step back.

"You, you are the bane of my existence! You are the reason I am here, you stole from me my throne! You and your stupid, foolish scheme and your fool of and older brother!" Baldur raged. "Why would I ever speak to you? Why would I want to? Why would I let you? The only reason I would ever want to see you again is so that I could kill you again!"

"I know that. But even if I have to talk at you, Baldur, I will talk." Loki said calmly.

"Have you told them?" Loki frowned at the question. "Have you told them that it was your plan to die? That everything went exactly as you intended it to? Do they know?"

"I suppose you're referring to what I gave Thor in case I died." Baldur laughed.

"No, I'm referring to the fact that you actually planned on dying." Baldur said. Loki raised an eyebrow. "If I remember that conversation correctly, you said that the only way to stop you was to get you killed, and to get all of Asgard to turn against you in the process. That was ages before we spoke in the range, well, six months, but still. You had this all very well planned out."

"I did not plan on dying, Baldur. You caught me unawares there, but I did not expect you to let me walk free, so I made plans should you find some way to…dispose of me." Baldur laughed, wandering around his cell.

"Dispose of you. You make it sound so formal, so innocent. I still think dying was part of your plan. You're crueler than I thought."

"And you are madder than I thought if you really believe that." Loki remarked. Baldur only hummed in reply.

"So was that your first plan, dying to arouse skepticism in your oaf of a brother?" Loki wanted to roll his eyes, but held back.

"That wasn't even a plan. I wanted to make you see how wrong you were, to open your eyes to the truth, Baldur." He said calmly.

"Still want me to repent, Loki? Turn from my evil ways? Still want your little bother back?" Loki narrowed his green eyes, looking sternly and sadly at Baldur.

"My brother is dead." Loki said simply. "You killed him." Baldur frowned at Loki's back as he turned and left. He had not expected that answer. Loki had been close to Baldur once, had pleaded with him so many times to turn from his ambitions. Baldur had come to expect that. He smiled to himself, slumping back down. Now he didn't have to deal with those stupid pleading green eyes any more. All the better for his plans.

Asgard's libraries, despite the fact that few people truly enjoyed reading or did much of it, were massive. Tales of great battles stacked most of the shelves, old legends and stories of ancestors long dead and committed to the sea. There were records of events, telling tales of history that long faded from the memories of those who saw it. These rooms were mostly occupied by scholars or teachers with classes. There were of course books of spells. They were not hidden away in some dank corner, it was a nice section of the library, well stocked and well taken care of. And occupied by women. Magic was a woman's art, and they took care of their section of these libraries well, making sure the books were intact and organized by practice, type, and skill level of magic. Of course, it only made sense to those that frequented the area.

Sif was rarely in the library, and her assumption that she knew it well enough was quickly proved wrong. She was wondering around a bit aimlessly, looking for books she figured Loki might read. She knew he had books in his room, but she though he might like some other ones while he was sequestered in there. She knew people were watching her, wondering why she was looking at books on magic and spells. She knew she had to keep Loki's life secret, so she avoided their gaze. She already had a pile of things to bring him, and was looking for one last book to bring.

"Taking up a new interest, lady Sif?" A voice said behind her. Sif turned around quickly, faced with one of the guards. His name was Torrig, and Sif knew for a fact that he was one of the guards who thought Baldur was wrongly accused. Her skin crawled as he stared down at her, and her mind raced for words to send him away.

"Yes. You see, I am not so strong as some other warriors, so to find another way to defend myself would be most advantageous in battle." Sif said, trying to remember Loki's old explanation for his pursuit of magic.

"Magic is a foolish thing, Sif. A strong warrior will focus on their skills, not frivolous sorcery." Sif narrowed her eyes.

"Well, my skills are enough to beat you, Torrig." Sif snapped, grabbing the books she gathered and stalking off. She first headed the way she would if she were to go home, making sure the guard did not follow her. Once the way was clear, she made the turn to go to Loki's room, all the while being very careful to avoid any attention. She grabbed the handle on Loki's door, slipped in quickly and shut the door in a flash.

"Hiding from someone?" Sif turned around, finding Loki looking at her strangely. She showed him the books in her arms with a smile.

"Baldur sympathetic guard caught me in the library, I just wanted to make sure nobody followed me." Loki hardly reacted, turning back to his desk, fiddling with the papers there. Concerned, Sif set her books down and stood by Loki's desk. "Is something wrong?" Loki sighed, leaning back in his chair, looking up at her with sad eyes.

"I was talking to Baldur." He began. Sif's eyes softened, knowing what was wrong. "I told him that my brother was dead, that he had killed him." Sif sighed. She understood Loki's action, she thought his actions were good and right. Baldur was no longer deserving of any affection or love that a brother of Loki was entitled to. Baldur had given up that title. But she also understood his pain. Loki had to turn his back on Baldur, and she could not imagine how painful that could be for him.

"That is true."

"I just have to wonder, is it right to give up on him."

"You are incapable of giving up on him, Loki." Sif replied. "It is not in your nature. However, Baldur as we all knew and loved him has not been with us for centuries, Loki. I do not think he will ever return. He has given up any right to call you his brother, and as hard as it may be, you have to let him go." Sif said, then sighed and turned to leave. "Please Loki, mourn your brother as you must, but do not let him destroy you. He is not worth your pain, not when he is the cause."

"Is he not?" Loki whispered, leaning back in the chair he sat in. Sif shook her head and slid out of the room, knowing Loki would rather be alone to mull over his troubles. He would seek out her advice and help if he needed it. Once alone, he dragged a hand over his face, mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. He could not sustain this heartbreak of living with Baldur hanging over his head. But the fact was, he had let his little brother down, and his family was beginning to fall apart at the seams because of him. He had ties to repair between himself and his family if he wanted it to continue past this struggle. He could begin with his mother, that would be the easiest to repair, and perhaps the most beneficial. His mother had always been his confidant, and he needed someone to dump all of his issues on. He couldn't burden Sif with that, she was dealing with mounds of problems herself, Thor couldn't take and couldn't know the full scope, and Loki was wary of telling his father.

It was his mother then. She was his first order of business.

A fire roared in an ornate fireplace, dark brown stone glowing in a gold-like shine as the orange light flicked across it, catching on the carvings swirling on it's surface and making them stand out on the rock. This fire was not lit for warmth, it's burning heat contained by a spell conjured by the one who sat beside it, spinning thread silently in her chair. The fireplace was the center of the room, two chairs sitting in front of it, and a couch in between them, all facing the great stone mantle. It was an enclosed room, little magic lights floating on the walls, though most of the light came from the ever-burning fire. Curtains hung, draping from the ceiling and the two pillars in the room, framing the fireplace in deep purple. This was the queen's sitting room.

Frigga's mind still denied it when she heard the soft knock on her door. Even after all the years since she'd last heard it, it remained familiar to her ears. Her heart willfully reminded her lagging mind that her youngest son was alive and well, and apparently directly outside of her door. The Queen of Asgard stood quickly, gliding over to the door, and hurrying her son inside before he could be spotted by prying, uninformed eyes.

"Loki, what are you doing? You could be seen." She chided him, making him pout a little.

"Mother, are you not pleased to see me?" He asked, making his mother's heart do cartwheels in her chest. It had been far too long since she had last heard such lighthearted words spoken by his silver tongue. "Mother?" Loki asked, again, bringing her back to reality.

"Oh, my son, of course I am pleased to see you." She assured, putting a hand on his cheek, smiling warmly. Loki smiled, making her heart flutter once more. Everything he did was like a blessing to her weary soul. Oh, how she'd missed him. Loki was so different from her other sons, he was quiet and calm and humble. He stood by his brothers despite all they did to him, especially Thor. He was a blessing, how could she have ever let him go? "What is it that you needed?" Loki looked to the floor quickly, then his green eyes flicked back up to meet her blue ones. Frigga knew the look well, something, or rather many things, were troubling her son. She motioned to the chairs by the fire in her room. "Come, sit, we will talk."

Loki was grateful for the chair, rubbing at its arms. It was a habit of his, when talking to his mother in this very room, in these very chairs, to pick at the ends of the armrests, so much so that his mother had them replaced a number of times. He noted with a twinge of regret and sorrow that they had been left untouched since the last time he had seen them. There were little notes of how his family had missed him wherever he seemed to look, and they hurt him, because he'd hurt them. He never wanted to pain them, that was the last thing he ever wanted, but he had, if unintentionally. Frigga sat down across from him, going back as she often did to her work, waiting for Loki to speak. For the longest time, he just stared at the fire, wondering how and where to begin. He tried to calm down the whirlwind of thoughts in his mind, to pinpoint one problem and begin from there. It wasn't really panning out.

"I shouldn't be here." He finally said. Frigga frowned. "Not as in this room, as I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be alive." Frigga looked up from her work, taking a deep breath. This was not going to be an easy conversation for either of them.

"Loki." She began slowly, choosing every word very carefully. "You should not have been killed in the first place."

"So what, it all evens out?" Loki snapped. "I should have been dead as an infant, and yet here I am! I am only alive because of other people's actions, I should not exist! I do not belong here!"

"You do belong here, Loki." Frigga said, cutting Loki off. "You are my son, and you belong here, with your family. The fact that you have cheated death so many times speaks to the fact that you should be here, no the other way around."

"Yes, well I didn't cheat death last time." Loki mumbled.

"Loki, please, do not-"

"Do not what, mention the fact that I died? Because it happened. It happened to me. You all think it's so painful for you to think about, do you spare a thought for me? I'm the one who lost the life, the time, everything." Loki snapped. "You…you all seem eager to avoid the topic and I…I forgive all of you, even father, but now you all just want to forget it ever happened and I simply cannot do that." Loki sighed, putting his head in his hands. Frigga looked down at her hands, wondering how one was supposed to deal with this situation. This one thing no one had ever had to deal with.

"What do you want me to do?" She whispered. Loki drew his hands over his face with a sigh. "I cannot help you if I do not know how."

"I know." Loki's voice was quiet, barely above breath in volume. He turned worry filled green eyes towards his mother. "I don't know what to tell you." Frigga smiled, putting a hand on her son's cheek, before pulling him into her arms. Strangely, it was the first time she had embraced him since the first day he was returned. He had gotten a lot stronger since that day, she could feel it in the embrace. She pulled away, though reluctantly, still smiling at him.

"Perhaps we could all start by avoiding the issue less, and avoiding you less." Frigga suggested. Loki shrugged. "There is something else on your mind, isn't there." Loki looked down, wringing his hands slightly. It was a nervous tic that few people knew Loki had, but he never could seem to tame it. "Tell me Loki."

"I'm rather worried about our family." Frigga frowned at him, but made no motions to deny his words. Their family was struggling, between Loki's execution and Baldur's betrayal, and all that came from both, tensions were coming to a head. Thor wanted to be king, he saw his father making mistakes and thought he'd do much better. Odin was now second-guessing himself far too much for a king, and Frigga could not hold back the bitterness she held in her heart for Odin ordering Loki's death. Baldur had been disowned by the entire family, and despite her love for her youngest son, even Frigga could not deny there was nothing left of her child in the twisted remains.

"I suppose we all should be." Frigga whispered. Loki ran his hands through his hair, and Frigga knew in that moment why it troubled him so much. "Oh my child, this is not your fault."

"Isn't it?" Loki began, leveling his mother with an exhausted, strained look. "I, Norns I can't even tell you." He sagged down, arms hanging between his legs. "I promised him I'd never tell."

"You promised Baldur, I assume." Loki nodded. "Loki, you need not keep that promise any longer."

"Why not? Because he's a traitor? He was a traitor when I promised him! What good is my word if I break it?!" Loki exclaimed.

"Loki, please, whatever you are holding is troubling you. Please, tell me." Frigga asked, reaching out to her son. Loki shook his head. "Baldur is at fault for all of this, and yet here you are, you who tried to save us from him-"

"I was trying to save him!" Loki screamed suddenly. Frigga pulled back, taking the frantic face and wild green eyes. There was so much more to the story than any of them knew, all wrapped up in secrets in Loki's mind. "Don't you see? I wasn't just trying to save you from Baldur, I was trying to save Baldur from Baldur. If I only wanted to save you from Baldur, I would simply have… I promised, mother, don't you understand. I knew, for so long. But I promised to protect him." Loki felt tears streaking down his face, and his body, which had tensed up while he cried, went slack. "I failed. Miserably."

"I know, Loki, that we do not know the full circumstances of what happened between you, but I… how long did you know?" Frigga whispered, the full scope of what Loki had said slowly sinking in. He had not been Baldur's first victim on a whim; he had been standing in Baldur's way for a long time. "Tell me the truth, Loki. Tell me what happened." Loki took a deep breath, and shook his head.

"I can't. I can't tell you what you want to know. I knew of Baldur's intentions for decades, and I made sure that no one else learned of his plans. I was trying, desperately, to get him to stop. I thought he wanted to talk to me, in the archery range. He was just setting up a trap." Loki sighed.

"After all of this, you are still protecting him."

"I am being selfish." Loki replied. "I am making sure that this family never falls apart. If you knew all that I do, it surely would."

"You have so little faith in us?" Frigga asked. Loki shook his head.

"It is not a lack of faith, mother. It is knowledge of how deep the wounds go. Father second guesses and distrusts those around him. And Thor questions him already. If given more reason to do so, he will tear this family apart."

"What do you mean?" Frigga asked. How could Thor tear their family apart, why would he ever do that, how could Loki think he would?

"Thor wants father's throne now more than ever, and he thinks that he is more worthy of it than father is. He thinks he would make a better king than father, right now. Thor is not thinking, and I fear that he will drive a wedge between himself and father, and force us to choose a side." Frigga looked into the fire, where Loki had already lost himself. As it often was with her younger son, Loki had seen things that Frigga had denied. Frigga often worried that Loki's willingness to see and face the darkness around him blinded him to the light, and that he would get dragged down by seeing the depravation of everything. He already seemed so grave so often. She had always worried for him, even more now because of all that had happened.

"We will weather this." Frigga said, putting a hand on Loki's shoulder. "Together." Loki smiled, holding her hand. He could have faith in that promise, he knew he could. He bit his lip.

"I can't get this out of anyone yet, so perhaps I'll ask you." He mumbled, making his mother raise a curious eyebrow. "What has happened while I was away?"

"Nothing much." Frigga replied, turning back to her work. It was true, life had pretty much just gone on as usual in Asgard, as painful as that might seem. "The past four centuries on Midgard were probably more interesting."

"Well of course they were. Something is always happening there, it's always mass chaos with the mortals. It's almost funny."

"Loki." Frigga chided. "They are not so different from us, you know."

"Other than the five thousand year life span and the general intelligence level, no, they are not so different." Loki joked, leaning back in his seat. Frigga smiled and shook her head.

"You will have to shake that pride of yours. You sound like Thor."

"It's not pride if it's true. Mortals are very petty little creatures. I suppose they have every right to be, given their short lives. I'm not saying their inferior, just, well, they're, mortals. They think we're gods, how intelligent can they be?" Frigga laughed at his last words, putting her work aside.

"Not all of the mortals think we're gods. Only the ones who know of us." She countered. Loki nodded patronizingly.

"Yes, and the rest of them think they are the lone beings in the universe. I'm not certain which is better." Frigga sighed, shaking her head. "Still, something must have happened here. I admit, not much has changed, but I'm not allowed out of my room, so how much could I possibly know."

"Loki, honestly, nothing has happened, besides the events with Baldur of course." Loki looked skeptical, but shrugged it off, falling into a content silence. Frigga picked up her work again and let him sit and rest.

I would like to give a huge thank you out to the people who have been so kind in their reviews of this story, it truly makes my day when I get them. Thank you also to all the people who have Favorited and Followed, it means a lot to me.