As Sam watched his petulant, emotionally constipated dick of a brother make his way towards Cas's bedroom, Sam couldn't help but hope that Dean's return, even if he still managed to fuck things up six ways from Sunday, would be enough to give Cas hope, something to live for, something to stop hurting himself for.

Sam had been so relieved to find Cas in the kitchen, drinking coffee and reading Pride & Prejudice with a confused look on his face, that he marched right over and wrapped his arms around the smaller man in a big bear hug and squeezed.

'Umm… Sam, not that I do not appreciate this gesture but it is becoming harder to breathe,' Cas croaked.

'Oh, aha, sorry Cas, just happy to see you up and about… Erm, good job!' Sam cringed inwardly at his own awkwardness but Cas merely nodded up at him then went back to his book, gingerly sipping at his black coffee. Sam was gratified to see there was enough left for him so poured out a mug for himself, throwing some hazelnut syrup and milk into it while Dean wasn't around to mock him.

Sam's hand clenched itself around his hot mug as he thought of his brother. It had been over two weeks since Dean'd left for the supposed job in Iowa and no one had heard from him since. He had given up on calling and texting him, deciding that it was a pointless waste of time. Let him have his stupid, childish, selfish gay panic as far from Cas as possible; the former angel didn't need to bear witness to Dean's self-flagellation, he'd been hurt enough. For a while there, Sam'd started to get really desperate, almost called Charlie and Garth for help when Cas wouldn't talk or come out of his bedroom but then he figured Cas wouldn't want his despair to be public knowledge, neither would Dean, though Sam had little consideration for that asshole right now. It was so typical of Dean, never thinking things through, not seeing what was right in front of him, always running from anything slightly emotional and decimating other people in the process.

Sam sat down opposite Cas, trying to crouch and fold himself in so he wouldn't startle the other man. Cas made another one of his horrible attempts to smile, which ended up looking like someone was standing on his balls and demanding he pretend he liked it. As he began reading again, Sam felt his face fall at the sight of the former angel; he was painfully thin, more so than Dean left, apparently only eating some of the food Sam had brought to his room. Of course he had wanted to stay with the man and encourage him to eat every time but sometimes Cas had seemed so desperate to be alone, ashamed in the way he curled up and stared blankly at the wall. It was sad and humbling that Cas could love his dumbass brother so much; Sam couldn't help but feel shame on his behalf, as though Sam's attempts at kindness could ever make up for how Dean had made Cas feel.

Cas frowned at something he was reading and Sam noted how much deeper the lines around his and mouth, how sharp the jut of his cheekbones were and the heavy bruise-like bags that languished underneath his tired eyes. The blue of his eyes that had once been majestic and terrifying was now muted by the weight of his sadness, almost as though something had died inside. Sam wanted to make it better, he wanted to do something, give Cas something, anything to make the man's life better than this; the poor guy deserved that. But Sam knew, it would have to wait until this, whatever this was, that had happened with Dean was resolved, one way or another.

Drawn out of his thoughts, Sam watched as Cas turned a page in his book, wincing a little as also lifted his coffee mug. Sam felt his head snap back and his eyebrows draw together in a frown as the too-big sleeve of Cas's shirt slipped down, revealing his hands and a part of his arm; there were bruises on Cas's knuckles and scabs like he'd hit something solid over and over again, injuries Sam recognised from when Dean did the same thing. He still remembers the first time he saw Dean really lose it like that, punching mindlessly at a wall until Sam managed to pull him away and break the self-destructive trance his brother had fallen into. More disturbing though were edges of vertical cuts that disappeared under the clean bandage wrapped around Castiel's arm. When Sam glanced at his other arm, he noticed the slight lumpiness under the grey shirt that probably signified another bandage.

Suddenly his coffee tasted too sweet, disgusting, sloshing around inside him when he was feeling so sick as the realisation hit him; Cas was hurting himself? He knew about the not eating, it was hard to miss, but Cas had been doing better, a little better anyway, eating more, talking a bit more; here he was calmly sipping his coffee and reading a book like everything was fine. Well, sort of fine.

Jesus Christ, Dean, how could you do this to him?

~#~

'Dean, are you telling me you left because you think this was your fault?' Cas asked, cautiously as his hands began to shake, flashbacks of a similar conversation post-Purgatory repaying itself in his mind. Dean's self-loathing and self-absorption so profound that the hunter actually remembered things in a way that fit his warped sense of self as opposed to what they really are.

'I'm sorry, Castiel, I never should've-'

'Stop saying my name like it means something!' Cas snarled at him, cutting him off, enraged by how Dean said his name, both reverent and pitying at the same time, like Cas was a stranger, like everything they had been through together suddenly meant nothing. Dean's head snapped up at the tone of his voice and Cas had to take a deep breath to try to calm the urge to lash out at the frustrating man in front of him.

'You realise that I asked you.' Cas cut him off, a little bite edging into his voice as it started to become clear what Dean had been thinking. 'That I asked you if you were sure, that I told you that it was what I wanted?'

Dean blinked slowly, a confused look on his face as his tear-reddened eyes met the furious blue of Cas's the former-angel's anger giving his voice and eyes some of their long lost power back, as though grace still pulsed inside Jimmy Novak's tired body.

'Cas, you were drunk and I-'

'You were also drunk, at my behest; I suggested it, remember?' Cas threw back the blankets he was swathed in and walked over to Dean, furiously glaring down at the shame-ridden man. 'Just like I told you that… that I wanted you to be the first to touch me-'

Dean groaned and dropped his shaking head into his hands, clutching at it as though he had a migraine. 'Cas, you didn't know what you were asking and I-'

'Not everything is about you!' Cas suddenly yelled, surprising himself as much as Dean who jumped a little as his head snapped back to meet Cas's glare. 'If you thought that I needed… protecting from this, from what happened between us…' Cas trailed off, hands shaking with the urge to punch the idiot man who thought so little of him.

Dean staggered to his feet, hands held out in front of him, trying to placate Castiel, which only made the blue-eyed man even angrier. 'No, Cas, I mean, that's-'

'I am older than you can begin to comprehend! I was a warrior of God! I rescued you and your brother from Hell and this is what you think of me?! Suddenly I am a weak thing to be coddled, you don't respect me enough to just TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH?!'

Dean's eyes widened as Cas's voice got louder and more angry, the other man's eyes flashing, his teeth bared as he stretched to his full height and bellowed 'I LOVE YOU, YOU SELFISH BASTARD!' then wrapped his hands around the back of Dean's head and smashed his lips against Dean's in a breathless kiss.

~#~

Dean was responding before he even knew what was happening, clutching Cas to him like he was his only source of oxygen, kissing him hard enough to bruise their lips, tongues lashing together, a surprised gasp spilling from his lips as Cas slammed him against the wall, reminiscent of the time he beat the crap out of him, the time Dean couldn't handle how excited he was when Cas proved his dominance over him and, in his sick way, was glad when Cas started to hurt him, reaffirming the reality that Dean deserved it. This was like that in that Cas was furious with him, biting savagely at his lower lip, making Dean suck in a breath when Cas's tongue laved the abused flesh, his cock throbbing inside his jeans.

'I am not a child, Dean! You don't get to decide what you protect me from!' Cas shouted between kisses, the full length of his body pressed against Dean's, his hands grabbing at Dean's neck, his hips, his shoulders, anywhere Cas could push him. Dean's fingers were clutched in Cas's perpetual bed hair, pulling the other man's lips even harder against his, wanting the pain, needing this to be real in a way he could understand.

'I love you, Dean Winchester.' Cas whispered as he pulled back from Dean's mouth, the hunter ashamed at the groan the loss elicited from him. Cas grabbed Dean's chin and tiled his head so they were staring into each other's eyes, less than five inches apart. 'I need you to be honest with me, please. Please respect me enough to tell me the truth.'

Dean felt the distant ache of his teeth sinking into his bottom lip as Cas refused to let him look away, confronting him with such vehemence that Dean could hardly breathe, too confused, too frightened of his own feelings to say the words he knew Cas deserved, that he knew were true.

Cas's stunning blue eyes paled as they filled with what Dean was horrified to realise were tears, showing a terrible vulnerability that Dean never wanted to see in his angel's eyes ever again.

'I love you, Cas,' Dean whispered, feeling the last of his compsure slip as Castiel, angel of the Lord, smiled brighter than any man ever and laughed as Dean pulled him in for another kiss.