Chapter 10: No More Secrets
We claim to be great warriors, fighting men who fight men's wars, but on the inside, we are all just scared children playing in our father's clothes.
July 7, 2011 AD
It was around mid morning when things changed, days later. Thor hadn't slept at all, watching his brother through the night every day. Eir had been encouraging at first, but Thor could tell she was growing more worried, and even solemn and sad, when nothing changed for two, then three days. What if Loki didn't wake up? To distract himself during the day Thor had talked a little with some of the guards, one in particular who had felt guilty. He'd been one of the two guards Loki sent to the Bifrost when he first got out of the throne room. They had been stopped by frost giants, the other guard dying in the fray. He was a young man, perhaps half Thor's age. It was the first battle he'd seen, so he was more than a little shell-shocked. He couldn't sleep the first night. Eventually, Thor had talked to the boy long enough that he did finally rest, but Thor could find no such solace, and the silence of the nights made things even worse.
When dawn on the fourth day came, and Loki's condition had not changed, Thor's worry reached a boiling point. He was going to start doing drastic things if Loki didn't wake up soon. In his distress, the crown prince had taken to nagging Eir.
"My lord, there is nothing I can do." Eir said, trying to focus on her work while Thor paced back and forth behind her. Mixing potions was difficult work, and Thor's fretting was not helping her concentration.
"There must be something."
"No, there is not." Eir returned, trying to keep her irritation down. It would do no good to yell at the prince. "He lost a lot of blood, and his body was not ready for combat to begin with. Let him rest, give him time to heal." Thor sighed, but sat back down by Loki's beside, taking on of the cold, pale hands in his own and holding it to his head.
As he sat there, holding his brother's hand and watching his still face, he felt like he was watching Loki die. He felt like he was waiting for Loki to slip away again and it was agonizing. As much as he held out hope that Loki would be fine, just like he always was, fear seemed a much stronger emotion at the moment.
So, Thor nearly jumped for joy when he saw Loki's fingers twitch a little, his face tighten and his chest rise with fuller breath. That had always been a sign of Thor's little brother waking from a deep sleep. Thor was at Loki's side, (well, hovering over him) in an instant, looking for other signs of Loki waking up. He gripped the hand he held even tighter, as if willing Loki to wake.
"Loki?" Thor asked, expectant for an answer. Loki moaned, turning his head away from Thor, then back again. His eyes opened slowly and Thor's heart leapt in his chest. "Thank the Norns." He sighed.
"Scare you, did I?" Loki asked, though his voice was quiet and tired. Thor shook his head, unable to laugh at the words.
"You did, brother. I thought I'd lost you again. You slept for four days, Loki." Thor replied. Loki looked down for a moment, slightly ashamed.
"I thought Baldur killed you." Loki whispered. "I thought you were gone. It was horrible. I'm sorry Thor." Thor sighed, recalling how he'd battled the destroyer. He and all those with him had been so confused. Loki was the acting king, why was he attacking them? He'd begged Loki to stop, begged. But the destroyer had only backhanded him away, no care in the world. It had not occurred to him that Loki would be forced to watch, slumped against the throne while Baldur killed his brother, helpless to stop him. Thor stroked his brother's hair.
"It's alright, I'm fine. He didn't hurt me." Thor said. Loki heard the small lies but he didn't mind, it was comforting. How many times had he lied to comfort or help Thor? More than once, Loki knew. "How do you feel?"
"Tired. And my side is on fire." Loki mumbled. "Is everyone alright?"
"You are the only one of us who was injured." Thor replied. Other than Baldur breaking my neck, he mused. "Sif and the warriors three are fine as well."
"Good." Loki sighed, trying to push himself up, grimacing in pain. Thor helped him so that he could lean against the wall behind his bed. Loki sighed, closing his eyes and smiling. He was the picture of contentment. "I wonder if father has rescheduled your crowning." He sighed.
"You beat me too it." Thor laughed. "My whole life I've been looking forward to being king, and you do it first."
"I hope you're not jealous." Loki said, keeping his eyes closed. He was just so tired.
"Not at all. I hope father waits some time before trying to crown me again, I'm not ready for it." Thor said. Loki opened his eyes, staring at Thor as though he could not believe the words that had just come out of his brother's mouth.
"What is her name?" He asked. Thor frowned, not sure what Loki was talking about. "The little Midgardian who helped you, what is her name?"
"Jane." Thor whispered, looking down again. "I promised her I'd come back."
"Perhaps you will." Loki replied. Thor frowned, he knew that Loki knew the Bifrost was destroyed. "The Bifrost was built once, we can build it again. At any rate, I like her."
"You haven't met her." Thor protested.
"She changed you quickly, and changed you for the better. That's reason enough for me." Loki smiled at his brother. "The idea of you wanting to wait to get your throne is new, and very welcome."
"Why do I sometimes get the sense that you don't want me to be king?" Thor asked, though there was humor in his voice.
"You had your pride, Thor. Jane helped you get rid of some of it, and that is a good thing." Loki answered. "And, as I have told you many times, you are going to be a great king. And I do look forward to the day when you are that king." Thor smiled broadly at his little brother, who leaned back on the wall and closed his eyes once more. "Do I have to stay in here?"
"Yes you do." Eir said, crossing her arms and glaring at both of the princes. Loki pouted a little, turning his green eyes into sympathy creating pools. It was a look Eir had seen many times, and she was not as immune to it as she would have liked, but she hardened her jaw and stared him down.
"Eir, please…" She shifted her gaze to Thor, who was easier than Loki to deal with. Except when he was using those blue eyes of his. Goodness, what was it with this family and their eyes? Thor was fingering something in his lap, and gazing at her with those pleading eyes. "Just for a little while?" The head healer sighed, exastperated with the pair.
"Very well, but be very careful, alright? No walking on your own, no sudden movements, no over exerting yourself. Understood?"
"Yes, and thank you." Loki replied. Eir rolled her eyes and went back to her work. Loki looked down when something landed on his lap. One of his shirts sat there. With a quick, and confused, glance at Thor, who nodded to tell him to put the shirt on, Loki donned the green tunic and swung his legs over the side of his bed. Ignoring the fact that he was barefoot, he stood slowly, holding himself up with a hand on the bed. Thor slid an arm around Loki's chest, under his arms, careful of his wound.
"Don't even think about carrying me." Loki growled, making Thor laugh deeply. He shook his head, helping Loki walk out of the healing rooms.
Frigga stood up the moment the door opened, nearly running to embrace Loki when she saw him walking with Thor. Thor let his brother go as his mother wrapped him up in her own arms. She was gentle, careful not to hurt his wounded side. "You must stop this, Loki. It is not good for your mother's nerves." She whispered, pulling away so she could look at him. Loki was a bit paler than usual, mostly due to the volume of blood that had escaped him, which also contributed to his fatigue and lightheadedness. Other than that, he looked fine, as though nothing had happened. It soothed a good deal of Frigga's worry.
"I am sorry." Loki said.
"I know you were doing as you felt you had to. You have done well, Loki." Frigga smiled, trailing a hand down his cheek. Loki grinned back at her, trying to banish the tiredness from his mind. Looking past his mother, Loki spotted his father, who didn't look too much rested after his only two or three day long Odinsleep. "We were just eating, care to join us?" Frigga offered. Loki was happier for the seats than the food, but he wasn't about to decline the opportunity to eat something. He hadn't had much food during his short tenure as king, there had been far too much to do and worry about for him to work much of a decent appetite.
"Loki." His father's voice was deep and serious, which made Loki more than a little nervous. That voice never seemed to bring good news. "I understand that you had some trouble with the frost giants."
"Other than Baldur helping Laufey attack us, you mean?" Loki replied.
"Indeed."
"Well, they were less than happy about our incursion into their realm, but I assume Laufey was satiated by the prospect of attack. I think that his son, Helblindi I believe, is to be his successor."
"Do you think that negotiations can still be preformed, after Laufey's death?" Loki was unsure why his father was asking him all of this, and he wasn't sure about his answers. His mind was foggy and his thoughts slow and lacking a thread.
"Laufey attacked us, his death was in response to his actions." Loki said, then paused to think about the next part of his answer. "I think that Helblindi might be less aggressive than his father, but he will have to put on a stern face if he wants to keep power." Odin nodded. "But that is all a moot point, the Bifrost is gone. We could not speak with Jotunhiem even if we wanted to." Loki finished, and hoped someone else would take the conversation elseware.
"Father, you were not in the Odinsleep long, will you need to return to it?" Thor asked calmly. Loki raised an eyebrow at his elder brother, but the question was valid.
"It is a possibility, my son. However, due to the fact that he currently has more experience than yourself, Loki will be the one to take the throne should I need to do so." Loki nearly choked on his food when he heard that. Frigga didn't look at all surprised, and even Thor seemed to take the news with less intrigue than his little brother.
"Father…" Loki began, but Odin cut him off.
"I am not changing my chosen successor, however, Thor is not yet ready for the throne. You have proved yourself more than capable of holding Asgard together in a time of crisis, and as such are the better choice to rule in my stead." I suppose that makes sense. Loki mused. Still, he had never expected to sit on the throne of Asgard, barring the death of his older brother, which was something he never dreamed of. Well, he'd had his nightmares. Regardless, he hoped it did not come to that, hopefully Father would be fine and Loki would never have to sit on that damned throne again.
Thor eventually left, leaving Loki alone with his parents. Apparently, they had something to talk to him about.
"Loki, I think you should tell him." For the second time that morning, Loki choked on his food, or rather his drink this time. There could be no misunderstanding his mother's soft-spoken words, Loki knew exactly what she wanted him to tell Thor. His darkest secret he'd promised himself he'd never tell a soul, the reason he was so skilled at lying, the greatest lie Asgard had never known. The origins of its second prince.
"No." Loki replied. Frigga sighed, but it was Odin who answered his curt response.
"Thor is changed as he has returned from Midgard, and he's changed since you saw him before. Your fear of his hatred is no longer founded." Loki narrowed his green eyes, and Frigga shook her head.
"No longer founded? My fears will always be founded. Thor hates frost giants, and I have been lying to him his entire life. He will not be pleased, he will be angry and that anger will never fade and I will loose my brother. Thor cannot know, he can never know." Loki growled, glaring at his father. Sometimes things that man said made Loki wonder how exactly he was considered wise.
"Loki, your brother loves you-"
"He doesn't know me." Loki cut his mother off, making her eyes flash.
"Thor does know you Loki, and he loves you more than anything else in this world, more than the mortal he's met, more than us, more than Baldur. You were always special to him, Loki. I know we told you it was your choice whether or not to tell him, but I know that this will be better for you than you think, even if you are afraid." Frigga said, putting a hand on his shoulder. Loki's eyes drifted to the floor, he knew she was right. She was his mother, she was always right. But he was still afraid. What if Thor turned him away, what if nothing was ever the same, what if Loki lost the person who mattered more than anything else? The fear was the reason he had never told Thor, the thing holding him back. "Please Loki, stop this, you're hurting yourself."
"Loki, my son, you know that your mother and I love you, and I understand your fear in telling Thor, it has been justified all your life, but now is the time to let this secret go." Odin said, his voice taking Loki back to his childhood, days when he'd come to his father weeping and afraid that he was hated and despised, begging for comfort.
"Why now?" Loki asked.
"Because now Thor has changed, he has opened his eyes, and as such there should be no more secrets in this family, they have harmed us enough." Frigga said. Loki sighed, secrets had harmed his family, and lies had nearly torn it apart. He was afraid that this one last secret was the thing that would break them, but he supposed that could be wrong. Thor was changed now, even in the short times Loki had seen him. Perhaps now was the time to stop keeping the secret.
"I want to tell Thor, truly I do…but please, our family is on the brink as it is. Thor doesn't need his faith shaken again, so soon after all of this has happened." Loki said.
"Loki, do you know why I told you who you were when you were so young?" Odin asked. Loki frowned, he didn't understand what that had to do with anything. "I told you then because I knew a little more time would turn into years, years would become centuries, centuries would turn to millennia, and I would never tell you the truth." Loki looked down, shutting his eyes tightly. "There is no good time, Loki."
"But right now?"
"We are not telling you to speak to him, only giving you advice." Frigga said. "Is Thor not worthy of your trust, Loki?"
"Forgive if my trust is a little shaken, but I think I am entitled to it." Loki snapped, eyes flashing, but then he let out a breath, looking sadly away.
"He is trying Loki, we all are." Loki looked at his mother sadly. "Be brave, my child. I know you can, you may surprised at what comes." She was probably right.
No, she was definitely right. She was his mother, she was near incapable of being wrong.
"I…I'll tell him soon, when I feel better. I have to go back to Eir, excuse me." Loki left the room quickly, and his parents watched him go sadly.
July 13, 2011 AD
There was no fire burning in the great stone fireplace before which the crown prince of Asgard sat, staring blankly at the empty and polished alabaster. He didn't spend much time in his room, the only reason it was not a complete mess was because the servants picked up after him. But, life had been taking it's toll on him, both mentally and physically lately, only a week had passed since that battle over Asgard and three days since Loki woke from his coma. He needed a rest, and he was not finding it in the sparing rings or hunting, so now he was copying his younger brother, staying in his room and brooding his problems away. Thor looked up when he heard the very soft knock on his door.
"Come in." Thor said, listening as the door creaked open slowly. The creak was almost as old as he was, and a beloved part of his room, though it had caused some pain in recent years. It had developed when he was a child, and though he could have easily had it repaired, he'd never done so because it had served to alert him when Loki would creep into his room after a nightmare when they were young. Thor could barely stand the sound of it after Loki died, but the simple fact that Loki was making the door creak again brought great joy to Thor's heart.
But by the sound of the door, Loki was moving very slowly, which made sense, he was probably in pain still. Thor turned around, and saw Loki just closing the door, eyes firmly fixed on the floor. He looked nervous, though Thor had no idea what he could be nervous about.
"Loki, is something wrong?"
"Do you have any plans for today?" Loki asked, still looking at the floor. Plans, no, he didn't have any plans that he knew of.
"I'm not doing anything. Why?" Thor replied, though he was still seated in one of the large chairs around his fireplace. Loki sighed, shuffling his feet a little. He turned, slinking across the room, his movements painfully stiff as he lowered himself onto Thor's massive bed.
"I need to talk to you." Loki said. Thor was getting a little nervous himself; Loki was very somber and shaky looking, his words flowing out with none of their usual grace, a clear sign that he was extremely uncomfortable, for Thor's brother rarely lost his composure. He took a moment to gather himself, trying to figure out his words. "Thor, do you love me?" Thor frowned, not understanding why Loki was asking him.
"Loki what are you-"
"Just answer the question Thor." Loki snapped, making Thor jerk back a little.
"Of course Loki. You're my brother, my little brother. I will always love you, nothing will ever change that."
"And what if we weren't brothers?" Loki asked. Thor really didn't understand the line of questioning, but he didn't want to anger Loki, and answered.
"I would still, but what does it matter, we're brothers." Thor replied. Loki let out a shuddering sigh.
"But we're not." Thor frowned, trepidation and fear seeping into his mind. What was Loki talking about? "I am not your brother Thor. Not by blood." It took a moment for the thunderer to understand what he was being told. They were not blood brothers…they were not blood brothers? How was that even possible?
"Who are you?" It came out harsher than Thor meant, and he could see the hurt in Loki's down turned eyes.
"I…I'm your brother." Loki mumbled, unable to think of another tag for himself. "Aren't I?" Thor could hear the plea in the words, and nodded quickly.
"Of course Loki, always and forever. But, where are you from, how long have you known, why didn't you tell me?"
"I…I've always known. I didn't tell you because I was afraid. At first it was mother and father keeping the secret, but then they asked me what I wanted, and I was afraid to tell you." Thor frowned, but Loki continued, his next words making everything clear. "I'm a frost giant, Thor. I'm Laufey's son." Thor just stared at him brother blankly, unable to understand the bombshell dropped on him. Loki's hands moved from his legs to wrapping around his body, wringing into his clothes and hugging himself in a vain attempt to stop shaking, his green eyes boring into Thor as the glistened with frightened tears. Soon though, Loki could not hold the gaze, his head dropping down as his mouth opened and closed tensely, tears shaking off the end of his nose as a millennia of fears threatened to come into terrible reality. He looked so young, sitting there, so afraid, like the times he would come to Thor after a nightmare, eyes glassy as tears streaked down his ivory face. Thor's heart reached out to him, but the prince's body was rooted to the spot, he could not move.
Laufey's son.
How? How? Why and how?
Thor became aware that Loki was speaking again, telling him something important.
"…too small, you see. A runt. Frost giants kill the runts, and Laufey left me to die in the cold. Father found me, and changed me to become like an Asgardian, took me home and raised me like a son. But they told me who I was, though sometimes I wish they hadn't." Loki sighed. "Thor…please don't hate me."
"Hate you?" Thor whispered slowly. "I could never hate you. You're my brother, I love you. I just told you nothing will change that, those words were no lie." Loki didn't move, tear streaked face breaking Thor's heart. He finally stood, joining Loki on the edge of his bed, putting an arm around the shaking shoulders. "I can understand why you never told me, why you were afraid. With all of my words about the frost giants…oh Norns, I've called my own brother a savage, I threatened you nearly every single day. I'm so sorry Loki." Thor whispered, the full weight of what he must have put Loki through for their whole lives crashing down on his shoulders. How had Loki taken it, how had he not snapped in two for all the agony it must have caused? How must he have hated himself, after always being the very thing that every warrior of Asgard sought to destroy? Oh Norns, it was terrible.
"You didn't know, you couldn't have known." Loki replied. "I had mother and father, they knew." Loki whispered as Thor pulled his little brother close, the elder resting his chin on his younger sibling's head as Loki leaned into him.
"That doesn't make it alright. Oh Norns, I am such an awful brother. You've always been so good to me Loki, when you have every reason to hate me."
"Never seemed right to hate you, you're always there when I need you to be, Thor. You always were, even if you were a bit of an oaf at times. You still let me crawl into your bed when I had a nightmare, even after mother told us we were to old for such things, you defended me when people mocked me, you got me out of the field of battle alive, you picked me up when I fell, you brought me back from death itself. You've been a wonderful brother." Loki sighed. "Do you still love me, even if all of Asgard believes me a monster?"
"Yes." Thor replied, trying to shove every once of sincerity he had into that one word. "You do not think you are monster, do you Loki?"
"I did once, but no longer. I am not a monster, monsters do not sacrifice themselves for those they love." Loki said, and Thor smiled sadly.
"I still love you Loki. Where you are from, or what your race is, or who your parents were, it is of no consequence to me. You are Loki, you are my little brother. Nothing changes that." Loki let out a shaky breath, and leaned fully onto Thor, feeling his big brother's enormous arms wrap around his shaking, thin frame. He felt lighter now, like a burden was gone.
His mother was right. She usually was.
"No more secrets Thor. I promise." Loki whispered, uncurling his stiff and sore body as Thor held him close. He felt like a child again, like Thor comforting him from a nightmare, and it had been a nightmare, the nightmare of this enormous lie that stood between them. But it was gone now. No more secrets, not more lies. This was good.
August 3, 2011
Loki knew where his brother had vanished to. For the past weeks, this place had become Thor's most common haunting ground. Usually, Loki left him alone out there, at the edge of space, left him to think and swim through his own troubles, Loki would be where he ever was, if Thor needed him. Usually, Loki left Thor to stand above the black alone. But today, Loki had had enough. Today, he was going to talk to Thor, today he was going to make sure that, with all that had happened in recent times, Thor was alright. He was going to be Thor's support system, just like he always was.
Blackness swirled beneath Thor as he stared down; out over the shattered edge of the Bifrost, the remnants of his action to rescue what was left of Jotunhiem. Still felt a bit strange to think about that. Thor glanced over his shoulder when he heard the sound of a horse's footfalls behind him, coming to a slow halt and the light thud of the rider dismounting. Loki patted his horse's muzzle before walking over to Thor, standing over the shattered edge of the Bifrost Bridge. His wounds from the battle were all but gone now; no ugly scar reminders would be left behind, the Æsir never scarred. Loki looked over the edge of the chasm, down into the black he had nearly fallen into no more than a few weeks earlier. Thor had taken to spending time there, watching the black.
"You miss her, don't you?" Loki asked. "Jane, was it?"
"Aye, Jane." Thor replied. "And I do miss her. I love her."
"So you have told me." Loki sighed. "I have reason to believe you, and I think the sentiment is most definitely returned. But you are here and she is there."
"There are other ways..." Thor trailed off, looking to his brother, hoping Loki would do him a favor and take him to earth.
"Yes...but I cannot take you. You'd never get back, you'd be trapped there." Loki replied, shaking his head. "And though you might rather be trapped there and here at the moment, we rather need you here, so if you would please, stay. Do not ask me..."
"I won't." Thor answered. He didn't want to put pressure on Loki, make him feel as though he was refusing Thor something, Loki hated being torn between loyalties, look where it had gotten him before. "You would like her, you know, and she you. I hope you get to meet some day."
"Why is that?" Loki asked.
"Because she is very clever, and not just for a mortal. She is a scientist, Loki, and a good one. She saw the Bifrost, she was studying it, that's how she found me. She knew what it was, she figured it out." Loki raised his eyebrows.
"Really?" He asked.
"Really! And, rather like you, half of what she says goes far over my head. I think you would be far better for her research than I am, when I was talking to her I was busy trying to recall all you told me of the nine realms and how Yggdrasil works." Loki laughed, shaking his head slightly. "It's so complicated, I fear she understood more of what I was saying than I did!"
"Well if you had paid attention when we were little, you would not have this problem." Loki countered.
"Nonsense, I had more important things to do."
"Like what?"
"Like learning to fight and do battle and be a great warrior of Asgard!"
"Oh, you mean be an oaf?"
"Loki!" Thor's voice was almost a whining yell, but Loki was too busy laughing at his brother to care too much. "You are insufferable."
"Oh, big words Thor. Don't hurt yourself."
"Come on Loki!" Thor grumbled, then looked at his brother for a moment, who was shaking his head and laughing quietly. Loki yelped when Thor suddenly grabbed him, pulling him into a tight embrace. Thor had taken to doing it ever since Loki was revived, as if to ensure that Loki was there, and he was solid that it wasn't some apparition or cruel dream. The younger didn't mind in the least, he loved to be in Thor's arms, he felt safe there, and he understood that it was Thor ensuring that Loki was there, and that Loki knew nothing had changed between them. He returned the embrace, though much lighter than the crushing force of his brother.
"Thor, I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere." Loki whispered, and got a breathy 'I know' in reply. "Then would you kindly let me breathe, please?" Thor relaxed his hold slightly, but still didn't let go. His head leaned down on Loki's shoulder and Loki frowned as he felt wetness there. Thor was crying, why was he crying?
"What's wrong?" Loki asked quietly.
"I don't deserve you, brother. I'm no where near good enough." Thor's shoulders shook as he held onto Loki. "Please, don't ever leave me."
"Of course not, Thor." Loki replied. He didn't argue Thor's first words, he'd tried once but Thor was to busy dwelling on how poor of a brother he felt he was, looking back on a childhood full of unintended scorn and hurt and Thor could not help but feel awful. Loki had forgiven his brother for those unknown slights, he couldn't afford to dwell on them all his life, he loved his brother and holding onto such things would cripple him, make him hate and resent all those around him.
Thor, as he now knew Loki's true heritage, was beginning to understand his brother much better. Loki had developed his forgiving nature at a young age, because he had to, grudges would wound him so much, that Loki had learned it was best for him to forgive. Loki looked at everyone as equal despite where people were from because if he placed too much value on that, he would despise himself, think himself a monster. Loki spent less time in the rings because it was where the most shots were fired about frost giants, he preferred to be alone or only with his friends because he knew they cared about him, that they didn't mean to insult him, that they would never say such things if they knew. It made sense now why he disliked feasts, why he hated attention because he feared they would know. Thor understood now why Loki always let him have the credit, because then Loki could disappear, become the wind beneath Thor's wings, in a way.
And Thor knew he had done so little to deserve such devotion from his younger sibling. But, for Loki, what he had done was more than enough.
Finally, Thor released his brother, rubbing his eyes with one arm as he did.
"Has Midgard changed much since our last visit?"
"Our last visit was nearly a millennia ago, I should say it has changed greatly! They have these great metal contraptions to get around in, Jane hit me with one twice." Thor laughed slightly at his brother's face as Loki shook his head. "I was in her way, these things are difficult to stop. They also have a number of strange things used to make food, and many strange, but delicious foods. Pop tarts are good." Thor mumbled the last few words.
"I hope Volstagg didn't eat them out of house and home."
"Didn't have time, the destroyer attacked almost right after they arrived." Thor replied.
"I'm still sorry about that." Loki said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"You had nothing to do with that."
"I could have avoided being stabbed, that might have done something." Loki mused aloud, gazing out at the black before them.
"Will you stop? At any rate, it gave me my power back and allowed me to help you, so I am grateful for it snapping my-". Thor stopped short, but Loki already knew what happened. "I'm just glad we're both alright. And I hope Baldur never shows his face again."
"Still feels so wrong, to cut ties with him. He was our brother, once." Loki mumbled.
"I know, but the Baldur we knew and loved has been slain by a monster than wears his face." Thor growled. "He has nearly destroyed this family, and shown no remorse for his actions. I do not think we can afford to pity him any longer."
"Part of me will never give up some small hope." Loki replied. Turning to Thor.
"I suppose I am the same. That is the difference between us and him." Thor sighed. "And now we are getting much to serious."
"You mentioned the destroyer." Loki replied, his tone growing lighthearted once more. Thor chuckled and shook his head.
"That I did."
"Go to the sparring rings, hitting something always seems to cheer you right up. I'll join you, if you like." Thor brightened when Loki said he would join, but then darkened as he thought.
"Are you well enough to spar?"
"Thor, I have been in some very real fights lately, I think that it hardly matters anymore what anyone thinks I can do, I won't hurt myself and I am so out of practice it's sad. Besides, my magic is coming back once more and I really don't want to loose any skill in that." Loki's reply satisfied Thor, who in reality had missed sparring matched with his brother more than nearly anything else. The times Loki joined his friends were rather few, he preferred to watch them while reading something, or maybe hole himself up in the library, he'd gotten teased too much for using a short sword.
"You are out of practice." Sif said, pulling Loki off the ground for perhaps the third time that day. The prince dusted himself off, letting out a long sigh. "Tired?"
"Frustrated." Loki replied. Luckily, the sparring grounds were mostly empty, only a few others besides Thor, Loki and their friends. Thor was busy with Volstagg and Hogun nearby, while Fandral was taking a break and Sif was sparing with Loki.
"Don't get too upset, your doing fine."
"And now I feel like a student, thank you Sif." Sif frowned at him.
"No need to get nasty, Loki. In case you forgot, you were dead three months ago, so cut yourself some slack. You're still better than half of Asgard."
"Hey! I resent that!" A voice called from above them. The ring they were in was sunken down, as most of them were to prevent the spreading of too much dust on dry days, the pits surrounded by low walls, about half the height of the typical Æsir, so that the walls went to about head height from the inside, to chest height when standing outside, so that one could climb in or out at will, but never fall in. Sif looked over her shoulder to see two young warriors standing there, one trying to hide as the other glared at them.
"The young and the reckless." Loki whispered, making Sif snort in laughter. "What are your names?" He called up to them.
"I'm Cenric, and my friend is Katla." Katla peeked over the wall at the sound of his name, waving at the prince and warrior below. By this point, they had attracted Thor's attention as well, which only served to bolster Cenric's bravado. "He's from Vanaheim, but I'm a true Asgardian." Loki raised an eyebrow and Thor grumbled something under his breath. He'd not seen this particular youngling before, and he knew most of the guards around the palace. Perhaps Thor knew him, but it was no matter, he could ask later.
"And what, exactly, were you resenting?" Sif asked.
"That you seem to think the little prince a kitchen knife and some fancy tricks can beat a real warrior with his blade." Cenric said, and the uncomfortable moaning of his friend could be heard as Katla slinked back beneath the barrier. Loki raised an eyebrow and turned to Sif with a wry smile on his face. He'd gotten jeered at by his peers before, but as he'd gotten older the insults were less blatant, and it was rare that someone younger than him would say such things to his face. He was accustomed to hearing all sorts of things when no one thought he could hear, but this… the boy was beyond arrogant, foolish. He clearly held no regard for Loki's title, or the fact that he could be hauled into the dungeons just for his words. But Loki was no one to hide behind his title. This boy needed to be taken down a few notches. Thor growled, gripping Mjolnir and stalking over, but Loki stopped him with an arm across his brother's chest.
"Firstly, this is a short sword. Secondly, is that a challenge?" Loki asked calmly, voice easy and level. Cenric thought for a moment, and then replied.
"Yeah, it is." Loki nodded, motioning for the young warrior to come into the ring. Thor and his friends smiled, and backed away. This young warrior was about to learn the cost of biting off more than he could chew, and of judging someone based on old rumors.
"How quickly do you think it will go?" Sif whispered. "I give him a minute."
"I give him less." Thor chuckled. The swordsman was young, perhaps having just come of age and far less than half Loki's age, and thus far less experienced. He was also too young to remember the days prior to Loki's execution, and this could be the first time he had seen the younger prince, and thus didn't know just how fast and vicious a fight with Loki could be.
Katla couldn't force himself to watch as his friend began to fight the younger prince of Asgard. There was no denying that Cenric was a fine fighter, but he was not the best. Loki was not Asgard's greatest warrior, he made no claims of the sort, but he was easily among the top ten warriors of the golden realm. The vicious combination of magic and blinding speed made Loki nigh untouchable when sparring, and even out of practice and half-healed, he was a force to be reckoned with. Cenric was outmatched. As Thor had predicted, Cenric found himself beaten and on the ground before a minute was up. Loki stooped over to pull him up, but Cenric had one last blow to give the prince. He kicked up at Loki, catching him unawares and landing a harsh, powerful blow on his stomach.
Loki yelled, falling over rather quickly, and his friends were out of their seats in an instant, Thor running to Loki and Sif lambasting Cenric with her spear. Loki was gasping for air on the ground, holding his stomach. The boy had kicked him where Baldur had stabbed him, and even if the wound was healed, it wasn't ready for that sort of abuse. The kick would have knocked the wind out anyone, and coupled with a freshly healed wound the pain had been pretty severe.
"I'm sorry!" The boy exclaimed, putting his hands up. "I thought a prince of Asgard could take a kick to the stomach, I was wrong!" Sif was about ready to stab the man for the remark.
"Shut up Cenric, you're making it worse!" Katla cried from the outside of the ring. "Just walk away." With a snarl, the dirty blond haired boy shoved Sif's hands off him and clambered out of the ring, stalking off and leaving his friend behind.
"Sorry... It's his parents mostly... He's really not that bad... Sometimes." He tried to explain. "His father… it's a long story."
"Hamig, that was his father, right?" Loki asked from his seated position on the ground. Katla looked shocked but nodded. "Looks just like his father, that boy. Acts like him too." Loki sighed and shook his head.
"Take my advice, Katla. Find better friends." Thor growled, helping his brother up off the ground. Katla nodded and walked away with his still senseless friend. "Are you all right brother?"
"Fine, just didn't see that coming." Loki breathed, standing up shakily and steadying himself. "I think I'll take a break, if you don't mind."
"Who is Hamig?" Fandral asked, helping Loki as he pulled himself laboriously out of the ring and into the seats. Loki let out a long sigh as he settled onto one of the stone benches.
"Hamig was a solider with me last time we went to Vanahiem, to fight the marauders there. He was a good man, if a little arrogant and foolhardy. There is a fine line between bravery and reckless stupidity, and he was on the wrong side of that line. It was night, we weren't sure where the marauders were, I told everyone to stay in the confines of the camp, not to go out unless absolutely necessary." Loki blinked, averting his eyes as he rubbed his sore side. "Hamig… he went scouting. He had the best of intentions I'm sure, but he told his friends not to tell me. One of them came anyway, when Hamig hadn't made it back for too long. Middle of the night. I went out looking with his friends, we found a trail and the site of a scuffle. They'd taken him. They all wanted to go right then, but I didn't want to risk going in the night, said to wait till morning. By the time the fighting was over… when we got to their camp… Hamig was dead. It wasn't pretty." Loki shifted his weight a little.
"They blamed you." Fandral said quietly.
"Said I would sit planning while my men died. I did what I thought was right… I would have gone in after him on my own if I knew they'd have killed him by morning. Of course that doesn't matter to his friends, or his wife, or son."
"That campaign… wasn't long before…"
"Aye. Cenric wasn't born yet, but she was just pregnant. Hamig was always bragging about it." Loki laughed bitterly. "They aren't the only ones who blame me."
"It isn't your fault." Fandral said.
"Isn't it? If I'd gone, Hamig would be alive, Cenric would have a father."
"You can't know that anymore than you could have known what would have happened. It's not your fault." Fandral put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Forgive yourself, alright? His blood is not on your hands, it is on the hands of those who killed him." Loki nodded slowly. "Best thing you can do for Cenric is give him a good example to look up to. That shouldn't be too hard for someone like you." Loki smiled and looked to his friend.
"Thank you."
"Well, it was always you giving me advice all these years, I think it is high time I return the favor."
Thunder cracked outside again, as the rain poured down in droves outside the comfort of the indoors, so hard that it could be heard clearly pounding on the roves above the peoples heads. This was one of the storms that Thor was to blame for, hence it's uncommon ferocity. Loki's brother was in a sour mood, and that had more than a little to do with the sparring match gone wrong from that afternoon. Thor had calmed down since then, but the storm he had kicked off still raged on outside, so Loki found himself in his room once more, flipping through an old spell book as he sat alone by a small fire in the marble fire place of his room. He knew all the spells in the book, but he was just brushing up and living some nostalgia. He was still a bit sore from the days events, and didn't really feel like doing anything after dinner, there was nothing much to do anyway.
When he saw he door open out of the corner of his eyes, he expected Thor to come in, but it wasn't Thor. It was his father. Loki closed his book and put it in his lap slowly, looking up to watch his father come into the room. He was carrying something with him, steps slow as he closed the door behind him.
"What is that?" Loki asked.
"You will find out soon, son." Loki shifted in his seat slightly, uncrossing his legs and setting his book aside. Odin had been making the effort to repair the relationship between himself and his son since he'd woken from his sleep, something Loki was grateful for.
"It's not my name day, that's in a year or so." Odin smiled lightly, and shook his head, still standing. "Did you want to sit down or is this a short visit?"
"Short, there are some diplomats that arrive tonight. And before you ask, no I do not need your help, Thor is helping me." Loki raised an eyebrow. "He has to learn at some point, allies will be insulted if they are received by the prince and not the king." Odin explained.
"Perhaps you should have started a little younger?" Loki suggested.
"Until you have children of your own, Loki, do not lecture me on how to raise mine. I am still your father, no matter how many times you have been right lately." Loki shrugged and gave his father an innocent grin.
"Short visit, Father?"
"Ah, yes." Odin looked at what he had brought. "I think it is time I return what I took from you." Loki looked down at himself, comically patting his chest as if searching for injuries.
"I'm alive..." Odin looked down at the left-handed jab, and shook his head. Loki looked away, regret panging at the back of his mind for his foolish words. He was trying to fix this, his father already felt guilty enough; he didn't have to keep heaping it in the king's face. Being vindictive would only serve to harm him, not his father. That was the funny thing about forgiveness; the person it truly freed was the forgiver, not the forgiven.
"I destroyed many things of yours, what your mother and brother were unable to rescue from my wrath. I believe it is time I replace them, as much as I can." Loki frowned as he father handed him the package, took it and slowly opened it. In side there was a short sword, sheathed in a black leather scabbard, single hand, hitless handle made of nuumite stone, black color shined to a mirror polish, flecks of gold and green peaking out at him as the light played with them, the pommel holding the stone in placed bore a small, circular knot, another adoring the point where blade met handle. Etched into the leather sheath was his name in runes, Loki, Son of Odin, Prince of Asgard burned into the black surface to mark it as his and his alone. Loki couldn't help but stare at it for a moment, a thing of beauty even without the blade shown. Slowly, almost as if he was afraid, Loki pulled the sword out of its scabbard, revealing a polished black blade, shining as the hilt was. There was no filigree dancing on it, though it was no doubt a beautiful thing, but it was a warrior's weapon, meant to be used, not hung on a wall and admired. Everything about the feel and balance of the weapon was perfect, and Loki could feel the thrum of magic in it, like when he got close to Mjolnir. Loki turned to where his father still stood, stock still, waiting for Loki's response.
" A simple thank you doesn't seem to suffice, but it is all my tongue can come up with." Loki whispered, laughing slightly. "Thank you Father. For all you have done for me, thank you." A small, worn smile wisped across Odin's face, only a glimpse and ghost of smiles Loki remembered from days now long past. Loki's heart ached for his father; he seemed to have lost all of his hope, all of his joy, stolen away by the spite of his youngest son and the strife of age and war.
"I must go." Odin said, moving to the door.
"Father." Loki's voice made him pause, turn back slight so he could see his son's face, glassy green eyes shinning there with pure sincerity. "Never doubt that I love you."
Odin hitched for a moment, unsure what to do. His son, the son he had chosen when he'd found him in the frozen ice, not the son gained in the bid for an heir during war, not the unexpected gift late in life, the one he chose. His son was always so good with words. Those words, so often said between the two, now spoken in reverse, from son to father. Loki smiled as his father nodded slightly, and ducked out of his room. With a sigh he put the gift away, and held it in his lap, closed his eyes, and let a few tears sneak out.
But for the first time in a long time his tears were no tears of anguish or pain, no tears of desperation or of defeat.
They were tears of joy.
Second to last chapter... I can't believe I made it this far. Any way, for those of you who have stuck through this long, a big thank you. I may or may not put the last chapter up today, if not it will be here tomorrow. Why? Because I'm going on a cruise and will be unable to update.
You're almost done! You should celebrate! I know I am.