Crossroads was a small coffee shop/bookstore hybrid hidden close to the edge of town. It was the place Antonio had taken Lovina for their first date in their junior year of high school. In fact, much of their relationship had been spent there.
Just before entering, Lovina fixed her hair and silently composed herself. As she walked in, she scanned for Antonio and smirked when she didn't see him. The moment she turned to find a table, however, she caught sight of him. With a jolt of anxiety, she realized it he was sitting at the same table they had always sat at together. She took a deep breath and weaved her way over to the small table.
"Alright, tomato bastard, what am I buying you?"
He looked up with the ghost of a smile on his lips. Mostly, though, he just looked sad. "I already ordered and paid for the both of us, Lovina."
Lovina flinched at the exhaustion in his tone. There was no true emotion there- not even sadness- just a quiet tiredness. She sat slowly, regretting her decision to come. Antonio hardly looked like himself. There was no bubbly cheerfulness in him, not anymore.
"But I lost the bet," she muttered, staring at the table. There was a scorch mark and a few dark rings on the wood. "I'm supposed to pay."
"That's what you're worried about?"
She flinched again, struggling not to raise a defense. Shutting him out- again- would only serve to make things worse than they already were. "Antonio, I…"
"Why are we here?" Antonio's eyes were pained, and Lovina knew it was her fault. "You said it last night and again this morning. You don't care, you don't want to listen, you don't want to be called Lovi, and you don't need me. So why even tell me you want to talk? Is it so you can tell me more how much I hurt you?"
"No, that's not… No, Toni."
"I never wanted to hurt you. I made mistakes, I did, but I tried so hard to make it better. I'm still trying. And, you know, I don't think you really even want to be here right now. You want to run and to hide and forget me. You don't really want me back, not now. Right now you're still angry and hurting."
Lovina licked her lips, opening and closing her mouth a few times. A barista placed two cups in front of them and headed back to her place behind the counter. Antonio ignored the coffee in favor of playing with a sugar packet absentmindedly. It took a long time for Lovina to finally answer, and when she did, she was practically wringing her hands.
"Antonio, I'm sorry. I… I want to listen, and… I… I really do need you."
His green eyes flicker up to meet hers, a spark of hope lighting them. After a moment, he sat back, struggling not to laugh.
"You're going to listen. You, cariño?"
Lovina huffed, tossing a napkin at his face. "Hush. I'm attempting to be sweet, asshole."
"It's endearing, but if I remember correctly, you aren't very sweet. Which means you don't really want to listen to my side of the story, and like I said, you don't know if you really actually still want me."
He raised an eyebrow at her and smiled sadly, reaching for his coffee. Lovina fell silent, unable to come up with an answer. Finally, she stuck out her tongue.
"Shut up. You're ruining my apology. No, I don't really care about what happened. But I was a bitch about it and I'm sorry and I'm trying to fix things."
She glanced away, flushing, as Antonio sighed softly. He licked his lips, leaning forward in his chair again. He was smiling, but it was pained and sad. His eyes were tired, and even his voice didn't sound happy enough to be him.
"I accept your apology, cariño. And I'm all for fixing things." He paused, a more pained tone entering his voice. "But I think, for the moment, it's better if we both think about what we really want. I'm not trapping you with someone you don't actually think is the best thing for you."
Lovina looked at the table, practically feeling all hope she'd had catch fire and disintegrate. Antonio reached over to take her hand. He smoothed his thumb over her palm, then pressed a kiss to it.
"I have to go, Lovina. But please, just… think. Really think. Don't take me out of pity."
She nodded and he left quietly. It was another forty minutes before she found the will to move. She left the now cold coffee and a five dollar bill on the table before stepping out into the rain that had started not long before. The walk home seemed much longer and more depressing than the walk there. When she walked in the doors, soaked by the rain, her hair had fallen loose and her mascara had run. She ignored the greeting from Lee and trudged into the elevator, listlessly pressing the button for her floor.
The first thing she did in her apartment was rid herself of her wet clothing. She replaced it with pajama shorts and an overlarge t-shirt, washed her face, and padded to her kitchen. Stretching on her toes, Lovina searched her liquor cabinet and pulled out a nearly empty bottle of amaretto from close to the back.
She gave it a glare, then twisted off the top and took a swallow. Three swallows later, the bottle was empty and Lovina was coughing and wiping her mouth. "God, that's more disgusting than it used to be."
She studied the bottles left in the cupboard, making a face at nearly all of it. Most was wine- hey, she was Italian- and just about everything else was only opened for cooking. "Oh, fuck it," she finally mumbled, pulling out a bottle of rum and going to drape herself on the couch. Half an hour later, her phone rang. With a bit of reluctance, she answered.
"Fuck do you want?"
"Oh, charming. Having a good day, I take it?"
"Lovely."
"Let me in, I'm almost to your door."
"It's unlocked, Lizzie."
Elizaveta hung up and let her in a moment later. She strode in and collapsed onto Lovina's feet before leaning over to take the bottle of rum and drink from it. She winced, coughing. "God. Now I remember why I never drink that straight. It's four on a Friday. Starting early?"
"Pleasantly buzzed, thank you very much." Lovina licked her lips and shrugged, pulling her feet out from under her friend. "You said have fun. I don't feel like going out. And I'm always so fucking responsible. It's my turn to get drunk for once. My turn to get fucked up." She made a small noise of tipsy amusement. "Getting fucked actually doesn't sound so bad. Not after this long."
Elizaveta nudged her foot, taking another swig from the bottle. "So the Antonio situation's come to a halt."
"A screeching train wreck of a halt. We're taking time off to think about if getting together again is really what we want. And I mean, fuck him, of course it is. I wouldn't have dated him for six fucking years if it wasn't what I liked. Hell, I wouldn't have let him come within twenty feet of me if it wasn't. So right now, I want to get drunk and get fucked."
Elizaveta laughed, handing her the bottle. "Mind if I stay with you for a while?"
Lovina practically grunted in response, pressing the bottle to her lips and tipping it back. "Fuck if I care right now. Bella's not coming tonight, so stay if you want, but all I'm doing is having a one-woman party."
"I went ahead and made plans with Roderich for dinner at five. Kinda figured you'd want a one-woman party. So I'm gonna drink with you for a few minutes and then head home."
Lovina let out a dry laugh, handing the rum back to Elizaveta. "Welcome to the lion's den, bitch. I got whiskey and vodka in the cupboard still. Not really planning on those until the rum's gone, though."
"I can handle it, I'm sure. I'm Hungarian, babygirl." She took one last drink from the rum, winced, then handed it back and stood. "Actually, no, I can't tonight. I don't think my man'll like it too much when I show up buzzed. So you be careful on your drunken escapades, got it?"
Lovina raised the rum in a silent salute. Elizaveta saluted back and ruffled her hair before leaving. It took three and a half more hours, three swallows of amaretto, half a bottle of rum, and four shots of whiskey before Lovina made her first drunken decision of the night. She called Antonio.
Twenty minutes after the call, a knock at the door interrupted her impromptu karaoke session. Lovina threw open her apartment door to a very confused Antonio, saluted, and turned to saunter back into the apartment. As he closed the door behind him, Antonio realized she was wearing only a bra and panties. He sighed, suddenly registering the situation- it had happened before, a few times.
"Lovina, how much have you had to drink today?"
"Fuck all, Toni, fuck all."
"I uh... I don't know what that means," he replied, following her into the living room, where she poured another shot and swallowed it down. He glanced around, taking inventory of the situation. A pair of pajama shorts was flung over the back of the couch, and her favorite t-shirt hung haphazardly on a corner of the television. A nearly empty rum bottle sat on the coffee table next to a fairly full bottle of whiskey and a shot glass.
"I drank whatever the hell I wanted, that's what it means."
Antonio sighed, running a hand through his curly hair. "Alright, cariño. I feel I should know the answer to this question, but why are you half naked?"
"It's hot as fucking hell, that's why. Also-" she picked up the whiskey and pointed it at him for a moment before pouring a shot. "True Italians sleep nude. I live in America, but hell, I'm almost there!"
Antonio's brow creased as he watched her swallow the shot. "So then why did you call me here?"
"Fuck if I know," Lovina muttered, waving her hands around. After a moment, Antonio walked over and caught her wrists, holding them down by her sides. She looked up and studied him with wide hazel eyes.
"Lovina, you ca-"
"Lovi."
"What?"
"Call me Lovi, damnit." She tugged one wrist free, wiping at her face as tears welled in her eyes. "I want my name back for fuck sakes."
Before he could open his mouth to reply, she pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. He pulled back ever so slightly, looking pained. She gave him a long, pleading look, and he shook his head.
"I can't, cariño, not when you're like this. Have you even eaten today?"
"God, I don't give a shit," she snapped, stepping back. "I'm not fucking hungry, okay? My life has gone to shit lately. Why does everyone keep stopping me from letting myself loose for one goddamn night? All I want is to drink and get fucked and not care for once. One fucking time, I want to be stupid and not give a shit."
Antonio bit his tongue, trying to hold back a soft sigh. "No you don't, Lovina. I know you. That's not what you want."
Her lip trembled and she held back a whimper. "I just want to feel like someone still wants me," she whispered, voice tight.
Watching her sniffle, Antonio felt his own eyes water. A single tear dripped down his cheek as she spoke. "I will always want you, Lovi," he murmured, reaching up to brush his fingers across her cheek.
She let out a choked sob, collapsing against his chest. He hid his face in her hair, feeling her tears soak through his shirt. They stood there, holding each other as they cried, until Antonio felt Lovina begin to slump in his arms. He shifted his hold on her to keep her upright. As soon as he realized she had fallen asleep, he picked her up and carefully carried her to the bedroom. He tucked her gently under her blankets and brushed hair from her sleeping face.
Just before leaving the room, he held her hand for a moment and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "At your best and at your worst, I will always love you."