To: Gwen Grandy
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Subject: RE: Riley's Class Photos are here!
May 2, 2014 3:02 p.m.
I agree, Riley's class photo is super adorable. I will say, though, that I feel she and a number of her classmates are too old to still have those awkward, serial killer-like, I-don't-know-how-to-smile-for-a-photo-so-I'm-just-gonna-show-you-all-of-my-teeth-at-once smiles that everyone uses for pictures when they're, like, six. The girl in the yellow dress in the front row knows what's up and I know Riley can smile circles around her! And did Carl notice the googly eyes of the boy next to her, because I instantly did.
I'm doing...Um, I'm actually not sure how I'm doing. I mean, I'm a little better now; the picture did, in fact, cheer me up like you guessed it would, so thank you. Overall, though, I feel this constant fluctuation between complete devastation and then…nothing. And the nothing feels worse than the devastation most times. I know how to deal with break-ups and the general sadness that comes with them - I can even say with confidence that I know how to deal with broken engagements. I don't know how to deal with this.
I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what hurts about all of this the most. I guess I had this weird idea that if I could just single one major thing out, I can find a way to deal with it individually and just let the stings from all the other stuff dull on their own. The problem that I'm having is that it seems to change from day to day. Today I feel heavy with the realization that the entire month that we were together (God, Gwen, A MONTH. Anyone who didn't know any better would assume I'm mourning the loss of a decade-long relationship, but no, just one disgustingly brief month!) was entirely guided and influenced by Danny: HE got to start it, HE dictated the nature of whatever the hell we were, and then HE got to snap his fingers and make it all disappear the moment he felt like it got a little complicated. What about my input, my feelings, or what I wanted to get out of the relationship? How can someone claim that I'm such an important part of their life and yet not take any of my feelings into account, especially when it directly involved me? Because truth be told, I would have been just fine continuing to live life under the notion that Danny and I could never be. Now that I know what it's like, though…how do I just turn that off? How do I forget? And every time I see him around the office, I want to pin him to a wall and scream "What is it, Danny?! What is it about me that makes it so fucking easy to cast me aside? Why isn't this harder for you?!" I could find a way to make peace with all of this somehow, but I know there's no point because I'll only manage to find something else to be irrevocably depressed about tomorrow.
Gwen, why can't I just cry, eat pizza, and listen to show tunes like I did with Casey, who I loved very much? Why do I have to connect the simple sound of my front door shutting with the night that Danny walked out? And why the hell can't men just come to terms with their feelings instead of running away the moment things begin to get a little real…and I know it was just as real for him as it was for me. You would think a guarded man like Danny Castellano would know how to hold his cards a little closer to his chest, but he doesn't know how to kiss with anything less than his whole heart. I KNOW this thing wasn't one-sided.
I just miss him. I hate him in a way that I didn't previously think possible, but I miss him. I would say that I miss him so much that it hurts, but it seems like this new found vastness has completely taken over and makes it almost impossible for me to really feel anything. I would honestly kill to feel hurt.
You guys just had to move to Colorado, didn't you? I miss you like crazy. I plan on visiting soon. I demand the plushest bunk bed and a few uninterrupted hours with my best friend and a case of chardonnay. I promise not to be such a bummer.
Lots of love,
Mindy
Mindy Lahiri, M.D., OB/GYN
Shulman & Associates
119 Spring Street; Suite 301
New York, New York 10014
Telephone: 212.530.0639
Facsimile: 212.530.7607
Mobile: 212.966.7600
"FLAWLESS." Beyonce, ***Flawless
To: Richie Castellano
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Subject: RE: Gift Ideas
May 29, 2014 7:43 p.m.
Rich,
I like all of the ideas you sent for Ma's birthday present. Honestly though, I think she'd rather you spend a little less on the gift so you can actually come visit and give it to her in person. I know you were just here so you may not be able to take the time off. If it's about the money I've got a bunch of sky miles you can use for your ticket. I would like to see you too.
Love you,
D
Dr. Daniel Castellano, OB/GYN
Shulman & Associates
119 Spring Street, Suite 301
New York, New York 10014
Tel. 212-530-0639
Fax. 212-530-7607
To: Danny Castellano
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Subject: RE: RE: Gift Ideas
May 29, 2014 7:48 p.m.
Okay, that's like the fourth time you've asked me to come home. What is going on, man?
Sent from my iPhone
To: Richie Castellano
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Subject: RE: RE: RE: Gift Ideas
May 29, 2014 7:50 p.m.
You know how I broke up with Mindy? I think I regret it.
No. I know I regret it. I just didn't want to screw up what we had. Is that so crazy? Isn't it better to have her in my life as a friend than ruin everything trying to be together?
What should I do?
Dr. Daniel Castellano, OB/GYN
Shulman & Associates
119 Spring Street. Suite 301
New York, New York 10014
Tel. 212-530-0639
Fax. 212-530-7607
To: Danny Castellano
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BCC:
Subject: RE: RE: Gift Ideas
May 29, 2014 7:53 p.m.
Whoa. That's a fucked up way to look at relationships, bro. You're clearly in love with her. You're saying you'd rather pine for this woman who is super into you than take a chance to actually be with her? Yes. That's crazy.
What do you do about it? GET. HER. BACK. And don't be a schmuck.
Sent from my iPhone
To: Richie Castellano
CC:
BCC:
Subject: RE: RE: Gift Ideas
May 29, 2014 7:56 p.m.
Oh, God. I gotta get her back.
Thanks, Richie.
I love you.
D
P.S. Don't go practical. Get Ma the earrings. She'll complain about them, but she'll love them.
Dr. Daniel Castellano, OB/GYN
Shulman & Associates
119 Spring Street, Suite 301
New York, New York 10014
Tel. 212-530-0639
Fax. 212-530-7607
To: Gwen Grandy
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Update
July 17, 2014 10:33 a.m.
Sorry, I saw your texts and meant to reply, but I got a really important call from a potentially new patient! I legally can't tell you much, but here are some hints: she's a local reality star gone big, she has her own brand of sexy-healthy cocktails, and given the details of our brief conversation there's a strong possibility that she may have crabs. What an exciting time to be alive! I'm thinking it's better to write you, anyways. There's too much to text and this time zone crap does not leave many opportunities for best friend-length conversations. Thank God for cancellations.
Things are…okay! They're more than okay, actually, but I'm so deathly afraid of getting jinxed by my own optimism. It's so weird, Gwen. It seems like everything good in my life is so delicate that something as simple as a strong declaration could cause it all to crumble at my feet, or like it's all a dream and I'll eventually find myself in an emotional heap on my bed or back at the top of the Empire State Building (I'm sorry about that text from that night, by the way. I can understand how receiving a message like "I'm gonna jump. Come to the ESB and identify my remains" might cause a stir. In my defense, I was freezing and distraught). As of right now, though – and I might really be risking something here – I can say that things are really, really great.
Things with Danny have taken a turn that I really didn't anticipate. I had eventually made peace with the possibility that our friendship would never fully recover from the break-up, despite how hard he was trying to steer us back to that place. I'll admit that it was a little gratifying to see him work so hard against my resistance towards his friendship, but I just assumed that he was eager for us to be comfortable around one another again. The thought that he might be still holding on to that indescribable something between us hadn't really crossed my mind until recently, once we actually started to spend time with each other again.
I feel so lame saying this because now would be the time that I would yell at the naïve ingénue on my TV screen "No, you idiot! He's your ex for a reason! Go back to Ben Foster!"…but being around Danny feels so much different this time around. It's hard to put into words, but he's never felt more present and available to me than he does these days. He looks me in the eye so much more now and, no exaggeration intended, sometimes it can almost feel like he's trying to peer inside me and really find out everything there is to know about me. It's a strange feeling for somebody who's already so open about their personal life, to be with someone who knows almost everything and still wants to know more. He's always been a great listener, but now he listens as if his life depends on it. Aside from the occasional friendly teasing remark, he has this intensity about him these days that reminds me of how I must of looked when I was studying in med school, like he's preparing himself for something major. It's still so unbelievable that he's devoting this type of energy to me when we're not even together.
Looking back at our relationship, what we had was so wrapped in this secrecy and this different type of need – something a little more meaningful than lust, but not by much – that all I can remember about it was how we would get ourselves alone and attack each other with this energy that felt like we were both trying to rid our bodies of something. It was hot and wonderful, but it also felt like a distraction from all the things we needed to face in order for us to really make a go of something. We cared about each other, obviously, but there was so much focus placed on keeping us a secret long enough to figure things out that we actually forgot the part where we were supposed to figure things out. Now it feels like we're making up for the opportunity we squandered. I can't tell you how great it felt to walk leisurely in the park with Danny Castellano, IN PUBLIC, as he gazed into my eyes and listened to me babble on about my brother or Molly Ringwald's impact on my life. There's a new undercurrent of something with the reboot of this friendship and I'm so scared to really acknowledge my hopes regarding it all, lest I set myself up for major disappointment, but there's a little niggling part of me that feels like I'm not the only one hoping here.
This feels so much more real this time around. It doesn't quite feel like starting over; it feels like getting back to where we were always supposed to be, long before we realized it. Now I don't find it so weird to daydream about us fighting over a caterer or dancing slowly in a heavy white dress or a troupe of loud, well-dressed kids. I can already hear your groan as you read that but trust me, my gut says that all of this something is moving us in a direction that we'll be traveling for the rest of our lives. And it feels so nice to not feel like I have to force us in that direction and just have things happen, for once. Lately it just seems like we get it. And to think, I have Andy to really thank for all of this coming into light. If I ever run into him again I'm going to thank him just after I punch him in the throat. The overall tone of the confrontation will be pretty confusing, but both points should be made clear. Just because his inconsideration led me back to the love of my life, that doesn't mean he gets off squeaky clean. I'll just leave my heavier rings at home as a sign of mercy.
Phone date on Sunday, bitch?! 2 p.m. your time. You still have yet to tell me the story of how Carl got into a fist fight in Whole Foods. Please tell me it was over the price of cashews, because then I'd totally get it.
Love you,
Mindy
Mindy Lahiri, M.D., OB/GYN
Shulman & Associates
119 Spring Street; Suite 301
New York, New York 10014
Telephone: 212.530.0639
Facsimile: 212.530.7607
Mobile: 212.966.7600
"FLAWLESS." Beyonce, ***Flawless
(A letter given to Mindy, September 23, 2014)
Mindy, My Love,
I did this all wrong. And yet here we are. The last few months have been the best of my life. Being friends again, falling even more in love with this city and with you? It's been a gift. I know I'm lucky. We agreed to start fresh when we got back together which I'm grateful for, but before we do I feel like I owe you more than what I've given you. You deserve to know what I was feeling and why I started things with you only to end it so abruptly.
I love you. And I've loved you for a really long time. A lot longer than I ever realized until I was with you and then threw it all away. It was such an idiot thing to do, but when I said you were my best friend and I didn't want to ruin it I meant it. I was terrified of losing you, so I pushed you away. Not great logic, I know.
At some point you became essential to me. Every morning I would wake up and before I ever got to the office I'd start thinking about you. About the way your face would light up when drug reps would bring in treats or what kind of crazy bright outfit you'd be wearing or how, without fail, you would smile when you saw me.
It made me happy just being with you and somehow you became the first person - the only person - I went to when I needed help or advise or just a friend. A best friend. I realized that fully while you were in Haiti. God, I missed you. I know what it's like to be without you, and I never want that again.
So, you know I almost kissed you that night in the doctor's lounge. We still have never talked about it, but I know you know. Anyway, that wasn't the first time I wanted to kiss you. The afternoon in the women's prison (you know, right after you started a RIOT) I was patching your face. Your hair was all destroyed and you'd been crying and you were a complete mess. And something I said, I don't even remember what, made you laugh. I wanted to kiss you so badly then. It shocked the hell out of me. And once I started wanting you I never stopped.
You asked me that horrible night of the party, the night when I made the most regretted decision of my life, why I started this, why I kissed you. Maybe it was because I had wanted you for so long and saw what could be my last chance slipping away. Or maybe it was because I spent forty-five minutes pouring my heart out to you in that letter to Cliff. Some of what I said was about you and him. Some of it was stuff I wished I'd been honest enough to say during difficult breakups of my own. But most of it was how I feel about you. I'm better with you in my life, Mindy. I am my best when I'm with you. And you make me happy in a way I never have been before.
Seeing your face when you hit send on that email, smiling and so full of hope, made me happy too. Then I thought about what it meant. I imagined you getting back together with Cliff and you two getting married and having children together. And that was just as terrifying a thought as that plane crashing. I was an idiot to have spent an entire year wanting to kiss you and not doing it. So there's your answer. Why did I kiss you? Because I couldn't not anymore.
I hate that there was even a second you thought I didn't want you or was embarrassed about our relationship. I know you know this now, but it was never because I didn't take us seriously. It's because it was without a doubt the most important thing in my life - my entire future and happiness hanging in the balance - and I didn't want to screw it up.
Of course I did anyway! I should have trusted you. I've always trusted you before and I don't know why I thought this would be any different. You love fiercely, and I should have recognized you love me just the same.
The way I tried to win you back was not right. I see that now. It was dishonest and manipulative. I know I don't have to try and defend it because it's in the past and you've forgiven me, but I have to say I never meant it to hurt you. I wanted to be romantic like in one of your movies. In the future I will adhere to the list of romantic gestures you gave me. I agree it's about time I give you another dance. Maybe this time I can have you join me.
My whole heart,
Danny