ROLLERCOASTER

Chapter 7

by Stands With A Fic - Cami

Hey everyone thanks for your support! Please review and keep on reviewing! At present I'm writing chapter 19. My gratitude goes also to my wonderful, skilful and patient Beta CMemlovr!

She tore his last letter to pieces without even opening the envelope and was aware that this meant that it was over, once and for all. Though she might still be married to him, and her vows meant something to her, their relationship had finally reached its end. Andy didn't quite understand but he respected her decision. Somehow, he had begun to think of Jack as Sharon's excuse not to date other men. He wondered now if she would ever be free. Of course, she was about to get a divorce and be free of Jack, but Andy thought that this might actually make her less open to new relationships, if that were even possible.

Sitting on her couch as Sharon bathed; Andy couldn't help but feel somewhat strange. He had offered to remain with her but knew that he had to take it very slowly and had respected her need for a moment to herself. Having read the letter attached to the divorce documents, Andy felt odd. He hadn't expected Jack to be so tender – to be in love with her still, after all these years of separation. Andy felt idiotic. Of course, if Sharon could accept his fickleness then something deeper other than their children surely united them – something that involved only them. As he read it, Andy realized this fact, and knew that Jack made blatant references to the letter that Sharon hadn't read – perhaps even suspecting it:

Sharon,

My dear and only love

As I wrote previously, I am deeply impressed by the woman you have become – by the way you welcomed Rusty and live independently. I am incredibly aware of the mess I have caused in your life and the lives of our children, and I know now that I don't deserve you. I understood the last time that we were together that things between us are not as they should be. I felt I am an intruder and for the first time. I have never been good for you, that much is clear to me now, but I know that you still love me too. I know that you have only ever asked me to be there for our children, and that you banned me from your heart and bed a long time ago because I've hurt you too many times to count. I took your dependency and our relationship for granted. So, I'm giving you the only real act of love I have ever committed – I'm letting you go, Sharon. I hope someday we can share good times again, but until then, you're free, my love.

Forever Yours,

Jack

The actual 'act of love' was divorcing her – allowing to live her life freely- her link with him legally cut. In doing so, he had also drawn and signed a document stating that all of the goods and properties were hers as compensation for the emotional distress he had caused and neglect he'd inflicted upon her and the children. Andy had to admit that, even though it was about time Jack paid back what was rightly Sharon's, the mere fact that he was actually doing it was a credit to his character. Andy felt uneasy as he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know the state of Jack and Sharon's relationship now. Jack had left the scene with a bang, and Andy couldn't help but wonder how this would impact Sharon's life and emotional state. Somehow she had grown accustomed to Jack's fickle nature, and had even learned to draw strength from it. Sharon had become the woman Andy loved because of Jack's absence and (somehow) omnipresence in her life. Now he was gone –if not forever, at least for a good, long while – and would no longer be her husband. How would Sharon get used to being a single woman again? How would she react to remaining Captain Raydor, but no longer Mrs. Raydor? Andy grew scared for her and the state of their relationship. They had agreed before to just be friends, however Andy now had to deal with the concept that he might lose Sharon permanently if the divorce had any long-standing emotional repercussions on her. However, it occurred to him that he might be worrying to much about it. After all, Sharon is a strong woman who became the person she is despite her husband. Whatever happened next, Andy was determined to be there for her no matter what. So, she had better prepare herself for his constant presence, because he wouldn't leave her – not when she's so fragile.

Sharon appeared in the living room with a tired smile, too tired for anything except him. Andy knew this and was grateful that she still had time for him. As she walked in, Andy noticed that she looked so small – her body was tiny in her white sweater and black leggings. Barefoot, she strode in; face bare of makeup and glasses, and her hair dark and dripping. She sat beside him, her grace and gentility causing him to rapidly draw breath. There was something about her, something that emanated from her skin from inside of her that made her look young, innocent – fresh, despite her maturity as an intelligent and canny woman. Andy realized once more that was what made her unique, she was - in every expression, look and gesture - the continual harmonic fusion of opposing concepts that somehow found their place in her. She could look serious and welcoming, coy but unreserved, awkwardly elegant; calmly seething…whatever she was made him crazy for her. Unique as she was, no man would ever be able to deserve her fully, and Andy thought that maybe, she might have realized this too – not through any feelings of superiority, but rather because she simply was.

His arm flung outwards from his side, welcoming her into his side before wrapping his arm around her, his other hand cupping her cheek, "Andy, you'll get wet," she said, referring to her hair already dripping on his shirt and chest. He shrugged uncaringly, and her head rocked above his shoulder. Looking up at him, he turned to meet her gaze, searching her eyes for a hint of her feelings. In her eyes, he found a tired calm, one that came with an awareness of her new situation – or perhaps even pure denial? "I'm fine," she said, answering his silent question with a tiny smile.

"Really?" He raised his brows, tilting his chin downwards slightly.

Nodding her head, she replied, "Totally bewildered, but fine."

"You should rest now," he replied in a rough whisper, grinning, her wide green eyes scanning his. She wore no makeup but he could see no wrinkles, only the green sweetness of her childlike eyes.

Sighing, she said, "I'm not feeling sleepy, but I guess it's the adrenaline." He raised his eyebrows, surprised at her self-awareness but still conscious of the fact that her reaction to the news still had to come. "But you'll probably want to rest, so please feel free to leave." She looked at him almost bashfully, the realization that he might need sleep hitting her.

But Andy took her words to mean that she didn't want to be alone, "You won't be rid of me that easily," he said with a wink and she smiled and closed her eyes.

"Andy?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." He kissed her forehead.

Andy spent all his time with Sharon. When working together, they were Captain Raydor and Lieutenant Flynn, but at home (his or hers) they were just Sharon and Andy. He had long since learned that in order to be there for Sharon he had to keep a respectable distance; to gauge her mood by body language and facial expressions. She very rarely asked for help or consolation, but he knew that she was aware of his attentiveness; that he would decipher any changes in look or posture and would be ready to bridge the distance between them in a heartbeat. Sharon was glad to have his support but couldn't tell beyond that how much he truly meant to her. Nevertheless, now that she had fully experienced the shock of her divorce, she was slowly gaining awareness of his constant presence and support. She realized that she had become somewhat central to his life, and now felt guilty for consuming so much of his time. Having assumed that Andy acted this way due to their friendship, she now realized that he was always there due to his love for her. Frustrated, she couldn't see how she could have possibly missed this. They had spent every day of the last six weeks together! It annoyed and surprised her that she hadn't noticed it before. His presence was consistent, and shifting when necessary. He was always cheerful around her, joking and making life easier for her, but always caring and sensitive. She had noticed this on the (now more frequent) visits to his apartment, and had often spent the night with him. The following morning they would return to Sharon's condo to allow her to change. When he met Nicole and his family, Sharon had always been invited too, and up until present, had always accepted the invitation with the knowledge that he needed her there with him. Rusty was also living his life freely - though always under Sharon's watchful but discreet eyes - sleeping away from home very often and getting ready to leave for College. This fact had made Sharon more appreciative of the presence of another, which she could freely admit to herself now. However, a new realization dawned on her; she could not continue to allow Andy to center his life on her. As his friend, she had a moral obligation to show him that what he had been doing was unhealthy. But how? How could she do it and not hurt him, after everything he had done for her? She considered that, perhaps, sparing his feelings was not a viable option, despite knowing that Andy often grew hostile and enraged when hurt. Still, she had to try. She would take it one step at the time.

Andy was sipping on his burning coffee, looking at Sharon through its steam. She was up to something. Sharon met his piercing gaze, her expression inviting him to speak. Instead, he offered her a smile and a wink. He was up to something. Sharon's mind felt naked before his inquisitive eyes. She mentally prepared herself to speak to him, there and then. 'Here we go,' Andy thought, observing the way she folded her hands together on the breakfast table whilst tilting her head slightly to the side and pressing her lips together, eyebrows raised - subtle and quick movements that Andy was all too familiar with.

Sharon lips parted and she released the breath she had been holding, "Andy," he pursed his lips slightly, "I was thinking..." he didn't make a sound as he waited patiently for her words, she wet her lips "we've spent a lot of time together recently," her voice sounding soft and yet raspy "and, you know I really appreciate that you've been around for me – y'know here, and, with me…" 'Around?' She rolled her inner eyes at herself, he wasn't a dog! Andy's eyelids closed partially and his lips curved in a smile, he'd understood - she was recovering fully from the shock and asking for more space. Strange, it hurt him but relieved him too. He had found her with her eyes puffed on some mornings after hearing her sob in the night. He had been tempted to go into her bedroom to lie down beside her and hold her tight, but he knew that he didn't have the right to be in her bed. So he had waited for her to stop, standing beside the door, his back against the wall, rubbing his forehead and passing his fingers through his hair cursing Jack Raydor – the moron. She would fall asleep, and he would simply walk over to her, looking down at her, often caressing a strand of her dark mass of hair. If he heard her sigh he would sit on the edge of her bed, kiss her temple or forehead and ask her, "You alright?" bringing her a glass of water. Her life had been chaos since joining Major Crimes, and with Rusty and the letters – the trial and her husband – their friendship had been pivotal in the intimacy they now shared. At times, this seemed to scare her, particularly with her divorce on the horizon. And now here she was, sitting in front of him trying to find the nicest words to express her appreciation and simultaneous need for space.

Sharonstopped her speech, stiffening at Andy's sincerely amused smile. Andy immediately reacted to the change in her demeanor, "You want me to be around a little less, don't you?" he grinned and Sharon's face relaxed, opening into a sincere smile as she started giggling, nodding her head slightly with her palms flat on the table, her chin down. She looked up at him, muffling her laughter and shaking her head. Andy let out a thunderous laugh - seeing her attempt to staunch her laughter always made him crazy - she was so cute and breathlessly hot. 'There!' He thought with satisfaction – he had found another contrast that harmonized so perfectly in Sharon. A tiny strand of her hair dangled from her lower lip, and seeing her eyes, Andy thought they looked somewhat…wild. Andy gulped; he had never seen that stare in Sharon's eyes before, at least, not in such an intense hue. He had seen her wild stare while interrogating criminals - and even addressed to him in couple of occasions when he had yelled at her - but that stare bore no hostility, irritation or offense. It was just…wild. Sharon's forest-green eyes widened, looking away from his dark pools and landing on her cup – which she grabbed and sipped as though it were necessary to her self-control and composure. It took Andy a couple of minutes to recover from the shock of what he thought he had seen in Sharon's eyes. Then, hoping to stabilize the atmosphere, he said, "Provenza will be glad to have me back," with a forced smile. Seeing Sharon's grateful expression as recompense for his efforts, he continued, "he's invited me out for dinner at least a dozen times but I've always told him I couldn't so, I suppose he's going to have a field day with questions about what I've been doing all this time – but I guess that's just the price I've gotta pay," Andy's grin became sincere once more, and he had to admit that he had missed his best friend. And even though Sharon was his priority, he found himself glad at the idea of meeting up with Provenza.

Sharon looked relieved to see Andy smiling at the thought of his dearest friend, and grinned widely, "Ok then, the deal is sealed." She found herself surprised at her haste to add, "Of course we will see each other any other time and you are always welcome here." and at her desire for Andy's returned reassurance.

"Oh sure, I mean, Rusty's bedroom will be vacant soon!" 'Idiot' he thought as he realized that he had said the wrong thing when he saw Sharon's slight pout.

She smiled vaguely before replying, "Yes, he is a young man now," with a sigh, pride and pensiveness pervading her tone. Refocussing her eyes on his face, she tucked a rebel strand of hair behind her ear and smiled back at Andy.

That night, Andy spent three hours answering Provenza's torrent of questions, half-utterances and half-insinuations about what the heck he'd been doing for six weeks. He hadn't said a word about Sharon however, because it wasn't his business to discuss, and he closely guarded her secrets as their friendship became more intimate and comfortable. He was able to see through her – to understand her without the need for words. She accepted him the way he was, never judging him for his hot temper and... Now that he actively considered it, his temper had all but disappeared in her presence. She had the power to make him feel comfortable and content in any situation and he had first noticed this ability at Nicole's wedding. Not only she had soothed his unease by offering him smiles and warmly patting his chest and arms, but he had noticed that peace tended to follow her. She had mesmerized every person invited to the wedding with her grace and loveliness.

Later that evening, Sharon's phone buzzed. Partially shutting the book and using her forefinger as a bookmark, she checked her latest text message: Now I can spend at least another six weeks without Provenza! Sharon giggled and fired back a reply.

Andy checked his messages and found Sharon's reply: Then you will have to provide many more answers. Grinning widely, Andy shook his head before texting her again: Or I could create a few stories about me and a certain Captain… Andy smiled at the thought of the awkwardness and righteous indignation Sharon was sure to display. Checking her phone, Sharon allowed her breath to puff out her cheeks before letting it all out in one giggle, "Andy, Andy, Andy," she sang his name teasingly. But, as "Goodnight, Sharon. I miss you," flashed up on her screen, she found it harder to breathe. In fact, she found that she had missed him too, but it wasn't something she wanted to feel, so she replied: See you tomorrow. Goodnight.

Andy really missed Sharon. He had practically lived beside her for six weeks and they had been the best weeks of his life. Now he shared a few dinners with her at the most, and had coffee every morning at the office – while they were always alone on these occasions, it could hardly be said that they had acted as intimate friends. Though aware of the attitude he had to maintain at work as a respectful subordinate officer, after four weeks, Andy couldn't repress the sentiment of mixed feelings he had been receiving all the while. He had tried to talk to Sharon privately but hadn't been successful. They had been interrupted dozens of times, and the last time, Andy had leveled a murderous glare at Julio, who had knocked on the door to announce the arrival of Judge Levine in the squad room. It also seemed to Andy that murder victims seemed to have a knack of appearing every time the opportunity to talk to her arose. They spoke each and every night before going to bed, but he hadn't had the courage to tell her he missed her on the phone. He needed to look into her eyes and tell her in person, so gauge her reaction. He felt depressed and dumb too. Once more he remembered his resolution on never let her go but he now understood that she had to seek him out, as he had no power over her. Not that he wanted such a power, especially when she seemed fine- with or without him. However, he guessed that Sharon had always been by herself, and had probably learned to like it. She really didn't need anybody at all when she was her own company. Andy felt ashamed at the thought that a part of him missed the nights when she was still sobbing at night, because it meant that she needed him. He remembered the second night he had spent at her apartment after the documents for the divorce had been filed. In order to make his sleep more comfortable, she had taken some sheets, a blanket and a pillow and approached the couch to make it more like a bed for Andy. While approaching the couch, her expression had become upset, but she had continued to make the bed anyway. Stopping, she leaned on it motionless, a hand on the back cushion and one on the arm rest. Head tilted downwards and her body shaking, her hair had dangled in front of her face, covering the tears that had threatened to fall. He had reached for her arms, holding first her wrists and then her hands while pulling her up. Sweeping the hair from her face as tears silently filled her eyes, he cupped her cheeks gently, his thumbs resting atop her chin.

"Hey…it's alright, Sharon," he had murmured in a low, warm voice. Her eyes shone through her tears, glad to see the trust in Andy's. "I'm here," he had continued as she smiled, blinking her tears away and causing them to run down her cheeks, mingling with the hair on her neck.

Andy was miserable. He didn't want her to feel weak or distressed, but he felt as though there was no place for him in Sharon's life anymore. Of course, she was always there if he needed her, but the problem was that he didn't need her – he wanted her to need him. And she only needed to be left alone.

Sharon entered the murder room, ready to leave. She stopped at the sight of a pensive Andy, tilting her head to the side and narrowing her eyes thoughtfully.

"Andy?" He turned his attention to her, returning his thoughts to the present.

"Sharon," he choked. Her hand rested on his shoulder, and before she could ask him if everything was okay, he shot up and asked, "Going home?" She nodded her head in affirmation, so he continued, "Want a little company?"

"Oh...actually -" she started.

"You're hosting," He uttered.

"One guest," she refined.

Andy heart sank and he prayed that it wasn't a date, "Oh..."

Sharon saw him torn between whether or not he should ask. She resolved to ease his suffering by saying "Judge Levine." Andy mind shrieked, 'Judge Levine, judge damn Micheal John Levine, former semi-professional football player, divorced, and a notorious womanizer.'

"Judge Levine's coming to your apartment?" Andy squeaked, his eyes wide.

"Yees…?" Sharon answered, her brows raised, voice calm.

"Sharon! Judge Levine in your apartment! He's - he's," Andy panted.

"He's a professional coming to my house to discuss the possibleissues due to my divorce. Andy, breathe... your blood pressure!" Sharon was rubbing his chest to massage Andy's heart and prevent any damage, remaining calm and composed.

"Sharon! You don't know that man!" Andy stood up, shaking with rage, but stopped horror-struck before asking uncertainly, "You don't know him, do you?" His eyes narrowed at the memory of Julio announcing the Judge's arrival in her office a few weeks prior. Sharon opened her mouth, eyes opening wider, an image forming in her mind.

"Well, if you're asking me whether we've already met, then yes, we have." Sharon said, her voice calm but her gaze warning him not to push any further.

"Sure you did!" Andy spat, "You were so busy with your divorce issues these past few weeks, and the Judge, well…weren't you?" Sharon looked aghast at his accusation. "Tell me, Sharon," he spat her name, "is your professional good at dealing with your divorce issues?" He sounded venomous and he knew it, but his rage had overtaken him, despite knowing that he didn't have the right to treat her this way. After all that they had shared he didn't understand how she could possibly –

"I'm afraid that this is none of your business, Lieutenant," she said, her voice becoming Raydor's steady, metallic, low and yet audible voice. "Good night," she added, turning to stride away.

Andy let himself fall back into his chair, head reclining and his hands on the top of his head, rubbing his face as he breathed slowly and deeply. He was supposed to go home now that all the others had hours ago. And only now did he understand that he had remained to punish her for living her life without him. But in no way she had ever intentionally been cruel to him, nor had she ever given him a hint that she wanted anything more than friendship. He had to find a way to apologize. No, he had to find the way to make her forgive him. At least he had something to keep himself busy at on what would be a sleepless night regardless.