SUNSET
chapter 11
by Stands With a Fic-Camima
Thanks everyone! Thanks to my treasure and beta CmemLovr! Maybe M-rated...not completely sure...
As the sun continued to set, Andy and Sharon reached an isolated spot, close to where the beach became almost like a desert. Sitting on the sand facing the ocean, Andy intertwined his fingers over his bent knees. Watching Sharon walk over to him, he admired her auburn hair as it took on a reddish-golden tint in the dying sun's rays, her white skin shining just as brightly. She was smiling at him, hat in hand, and stopped before him as his mesmerized gaze became almost solid as his eyes travelled up her long legs to her shining eyes. She allowed her hat to fall to the floor, kneeling in front of him and placing her palms on his hands. He smiled, stretching his legs out and turning his hands so that his palms faced upwards, holding her hands and pulling her slightly towards him. Leaning into Andy as she sat on her heels, Sharon heard Andy ask, "You can't stop smiling today, can you?" with a sincere smile.
Sharon raised her brows as her eyes and smile widened, "I feel so good – so carefree," she said, her voice a soft giggle, "I guess I just can't stop. But I could say the same of you," she smiled as Andy nodded, looking at their intertwined hands.
He returned his eyes to hers, sincerely replying in a voice that shook with emotion, "To see you smiling and relaxed makes me happy – I couldn't ask for anything better." He looked up at her and found reflected in her eyes something he had never seen before. Sharon was looking him in the eye now and she was not awkward or uneasy, blushing or paralyzed with unbidden emotions, but expectant – demanding – as she sat before him, leaning towards him willingly. Clearing his throat, Andy let go of her hands and Sharon took off her glasses, placing them carefully atop her hat. Andy watched as Sharon leaned closer to him as she stood up, turned to the ocean and stepped into the waves that caressed the shore.
She stepped further in to allow the waves to wash away the sand from her legs. Then she returned to where the waves merely caressed her feet, legs shining wet white and tinged with coral by the light. Andy watched her draw circles with her pointed toes in the water. He then saw her entering the ocean again to touch the water with the fingers of one hand whilst pulling up her skirt slightly with the other. Andy saw Sharon turn to him and gazed into his eyes intensely before turning again to look at the sunset.
She heard the water splashing behind her and turned to find Andy before her, his eyes laden with demanding need. He cupped her cheek, searching her eyes for approval and reading endearing eagerness in its place. He filled the tiny space between them and felt her warm breath against his lips. Placing his free hand softly on her hip, he slid it upwards and around her waist. Sharon felt him quivering and swallowed hard as his eyes drew closer as his head tilted slightly. She let out a soft breath as she watched him approach and felt his lips softly graze hers, as if allowing her to familiarize herself to their first kiss whilst tasting and enjoying her lips for the first time. Parting his lips slowly and placing his lower lips between hers, Andy felt Sharon's lips part against his, her green eyes sliding slowly shut. He felt heady as his blood rushed to his groin. Taking her lower lip between his, Andy pulled away slightly to look into her eyes, their lips still touching. She wanted him to continue. He cupped her jaw and nape, his thumb brushing her temple as he wrapped his arm around her back, hand between her shoulder blades and forearm pressed against her spine as he pulled her closer into his embrace, her arms wrapped entirely around his back. With parted lips, she felt him tenderly entering her mouth as he felt her all around him. She tasted sweet and warm. He felt her body shift against his, completely carefree as her breasts pressed into his chest and her hips melded with his. They pulled apart, breathing hard and quick breaths, reading from each other's expressions that enough had long been surpassed. He pulled her toward the shore and himself gently, returning to her lips to begin a new assault of nibbles and kisses. He knelt down and pulled her with him. She tumbled gently onto him, their bodies and clothes soaking wet in the lapping waves, their legs intertwining. Andy pinned her hips, roaming her waist and the small of her back with his hands as Sharon cupped his cheeks and ran her fingers through his hair.
After returning from the beach, Andy sat on his couch, legs slightly bent and spread, his head leaning on a cushion against the armrest, spooning Sharon as she lay slightly on her side, her bottom against his inner thigh and groin. Andy arms were wrapped around her as she rested her head against his chest, his lips and chin firmly planted on her forehead.
She sighed as she looked up at him, "Andy, we need to talk about what happened," she said, frowning.
"Fine," he said knowingly, seeing the regret in her face and priming himself to deal with it. Andy Let her go and sat up to face her as she sat on her heels opposite him.
"That can't happen again."
"Sharon," he rolled his eyes.
"No, Andy, it was a terrible mistake!"
"A mistake? Sharon, you wanted me to kiss you as much as I wanted to kiss you!" Andy's voice rose out of irritation rather than anger, "Listen, Sharon, I know you're scared now and I know you think we've done something awful, but we didn't," he lowered his voice before continuing, "It wasn't just passion or lust, Sharon. I love you, and you've finally realized that you like me as more than a friend. We love each other's company, and we did what felt right because, whatever you do or say, things can never be the same again." He looked her in the eye and she nodded as he continued, "Nothing changed because we kissed, Sharon. They changed in spite of our best efforts." Sharon had been listening with rapt attention but couldn't bring herself to agree with him.
"I'm your Captain and you are my Lieutenant, Andy. And this -" she said, motioning towards herself and Andy, "is against the rules."
"It's not," Andy countered as she watched him with wide eyes and a frown. "Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but while it might be technically politically incorrect, it is acceptable to the Department so long as we declare our relationship to our direct superiors."
"I am your direct superior, Andy! I'm responsible for you too and would have to report my relationship to my direct superior, Commander Taylor."
"Okay, but Sharon, there's only two options here that completely abide by the rules: the first, we interrupt our relationship," Andy's voice shook as he said it, the mere thought causing him distress, "or we can report it to Taylor."
"Andy, I know, but I can't report it! He would just order me to break up with you anyway and I'd be removed from the department in the blink of an eye and… at my age that's basically retirement and I'm not ready for that yet, Andy! I love my job!"
"Ok, I understand – I love my job too – but you can't tell me that it's all over; that we'll never see each other outside of work!"
"Maybe we could," she shook her head.
"No, Sharon, we wouldn't. It's too late – the feelings we have for each other and the desire that goes beyond friendship – we couldn't handle it."
"Yeah," she breathed.
"Technically, though," he continued, "even if you don't want to see me again, we've kissed – repeatedly, in fact – so, y'know, you should report it to Taylor anyway," he said, pursing his lips with arched brows.
"You're absolutely right," she breathed, "Andy, what am I going to do now?" she frowned.
"Sharon, come here," he shook his head and caressed her cheeks and hair as he admired the sight of her in his t-shirt, eyes drooping and unable to find a solution to the new situation.
"Andy, I'm really sorry, I should've never let it happen." She stood up and strode into Andy's bathroom.
Following her, Andy replied, "Sharon, it's not your fault – I'm not a kid."
"I know!" her voice rose as she turned to face him, "and neither am I!" her voice broke as she continued, "I wanted it – I wanted you to kiss me and I feel awful now! 'Cause I'm going to break your heart if I tell you it's over!" She hesitated, unsure of using that term for a relationship that had possibly not yet begun.
"For once, Sharon, I want you to think about what you want!" Andy shouted. He wasn't willing to let her go so easily now that he knew that she wanted him back – but he also knew that she still had to understand it herself.
"I wish I could stop – that I didn't want you!" Andy froze and Sharon's haw slackened at her own words.
"So…you do want me?" She nodded silently and he continued, "and that's why you're panicking and saying that you don't want me? What will we do every time we have to work together? That is every hour of – basically- every day. Sharon – we can't go back." She released a long breath and clenched the shirt on his chest, "So we might as well go on," he whispered as his arms slid around her, rubbing her back. "Sharon, give us a chance - we're both grown-ups and we can handle this, we just need some time to get used to it. We report it to Taylor – don't think for a second that I'll let you do it alone. Just let's take it one step at the time, okay?"
"Okay," she whispered.
"Good. Hey, I've made mistakes that I won't repeat again," he said, shaking his head with a grin, "but kissing you was one of the best, sweetest things I've ever done, and if I could go back, I would do it the same way every time," his voice deepened to a raspy whisper as he paused, gazing into her eyes, and tugged her into a sudden embrace, kissing her tenderly – passionately – senseless. He pulled away from her, smiling at her hopeful expression and instantly fulfilled her silent request. Taking her hand from his chest, he led them back to the couch, lying down on his side as he pulled her down with him. She sat with a smile and curled up her legs before stretching out on her back next to Andy. Moving above her, Sharon spread her legs to allow Andy to lie comfortably between them as his legs slid under her calves and ankles, causing her to blush. Andy arched his back slightly, sliding a forearm under Sharon's right arm, his other hand caressing her hair and cheek as he gazed at her fondly, rubbing the tip of his nose against hers before covering her face with soft, fluttering kisses. "You seem to like this," Andy grinned as Sharon hummed with a smile, "So, let's see what else you might like," he continued, his voice low and gaze piercing.
Andy directed his attention to her jaw, smelling her skin as he kissed the column of her neck. He took her lobe between his lips before pulling away, nosing it and kissing behind her ear, brushing her skin. He stopped, causing Sharon to let out a tiny, soft moan. He looked up and saw her eyes return to him again as he stilled, happy to stop and admire her. She saw tenderness and awe in his eyes and she felt her cheeks heat, unused to the gentleness of his gaze and being the cause of such strong emotions. She admitted she was scared and didn't know where they were headed but at the same time, she didn't want to push him away – to cut him out of her life – just because of their professional relationship. She loved to be with him and she wanted him to be with her. Smiling back at him, Andy noticed her slight awkwardness and felt relief. "Andy," she said softly.
"Yeah?" he breathed, mesmerized. His eyes lingered on her shy smile and he returned it, "Oh Sharon, you're so beautiful – I can't take my eyes off of you." She smiled and shook her head, and his smile widened softly as he continued, "You'd better get used to it and," he raised a brow as he grinned, "to many," he stroked her nose with his, "other things," he whispered as he kissed the bridge of her nose. Sharon took a soft quick breath and swallowed at the look in Andy's eyes. She knew he wanted her now but also knew that he would wait for her in his passion and care for her. His kisses had been breathy and senseless and tender and careful all at once. She had felt his body against hers on the shore, and now on his couch, but she had noticed that his hands had never roamed farther than was appropriate. Realizing that he was controlling himself because he knew it was too early, she was glad that he was hers – that he was so sensitive to her needs. Andy rolled on his side and pulled her shoulder to make her turn on her side and look at him. Then, he placed a leg under Sharon's and flipped them so that she was on top of him, lying on her side with her legs between his. Andy put his arms around her, looking into her eyes as he caressed her hair. She could feel his heart beat and considered its significance – the fact that she was lying atop his heart and that it shouldn't feel as good as it felt. How was she supposed to handle it? She looked at him again to remind herself that he was really there and that it was his body she was touching. That it was his breath that hung in the air between them and his dark, sweet eyes that gazed at her intensely, yet in a dignified and homely manner. She loved his smile - he was so handsome when smiling, the light shining through his smiling eyes was so warm and full of life. He was rough, direct and yet so tender and caring with her. Hot-tempered and impulsive, he was always so controlled and patient with her. Was it a mistake, allowing him to be with her? Was she selfish for enjoying his company and for wanting him regardless of the consequences? Was she being irresponsible? Was she changing? Or was she simply adapting to the inevitability of what had now happened between them? Was she really ready for a relationship? She only knew that she didn't want to lose him and it was too late to be just good friends.
It was pitch black outside when Sharon woke up. Panicking, she opened her eyes to wake herself from her dream. She looked at Andy sleeping next to her and her heart sank. Sitting up slowly, she decided that she couldn't stay a moment longer. In darkness, she was choking on her own guilt, unable to believe what she had done after she had fallen and torn herself apart before. She had promised herself that nothing and nobody, no man would have been the center of her life again. After having (finally) regained control of her life, she had fallen again. Standing up, she was desperate to leave – to feel the chilly night air on her skin as she ran, as she screamed. She dressed up quickly and silently, startled by every move that Andy made - at every change in his breathing. She quickly folded his t-shirt and pants and dropped them on a chair, her hand lingering on the spot that his heart would beat under as she did. She knew he would be shocked and probably mad and she told herself she would talk to him to explain, but not now. Now she had to leave immediately – to be alone and identify what she really felt, to find the strength to be strong enough for them both in order to be efficient and professional again without sharing this intimacy. It was crazy, she knew, things would never be the same again but she hoped that time would absolve her. Time...how could she possibly trust herself and time? Time had helped her to heal her wounds only to thrust her feelings for Andy unto her. Time had helped her to find her balance to be an independent woman and now she found herself shoved back into experiencing these overwhelmingly complicated feelings. It hurt - her healed wounds still left scars and they ached, leaving her feeling worse than she could have ever thought. She'd thought that she had control of herself – that she had her principles and rules to keep her safe and kind because they were an integral part of her. But now, she had no idea who she was or where she was going. She took a deep breath and let it out as silently as her sobbing would allow. She looked at Andy and felt lost. He didn't deserve that. Miserable, she angled her chin downwards as she wept – crying as though she would never stop, her body wracked by sobs. She muffled a squeak as she wiped her eyes but couldn't control her body anymore. Squatting, she dropped to the floor as if the strength of her legs had failed her, her face in her hands.
She searched the floor desperately for her shoes, remembering that Andy had taken them off for her as they'd laughed. On their way to his car and back to his apartment, everybody they'd met had looked at them, some amused, others puzzled and some smiling at the sight of their laughter, Sharon barely able to walk straight as she clenched his arm. Admittedly, it was rather unusual to see a middle-aged couple, soaked from head to toe and wandering the streets.
They had entered his apartment - Sharon still trying (and failing) to control her giggles while Andy could not take his eyes off of her. His smile of wonder successfully stalled her giggles as she felt his intense gaze, realizing that she was the cause of his captivating smile and feeling her heart skip a beat at the sight of him approaching.
"You're so beautiful." His voice was low and raspy as he struggled with the emotions that arose. Andy had reached for a strand of Sharon's wet hair and entwined his fingers in it softly. She shivered (or quivered she wasn't sure) as Andy led her to his couch, sat her down and unfolded the blanket on the armrest to wrap her in. He knelt down and took off her shoes, looking up at her again with disbelief as his gaze lingered on her eyes. Sharon watched Andy's careful motions, noticing with amazement that he always attended to her with admiration.
She suddenly felt awkward and lost again and couldn't bear it. His devotion was too much and made their kisses feel even worse. Upset with the realization that she could not allow herself to feel anything for him – much less want him – their kisses and intimacy felt almost like a burden now. She reached the couch and searched the floor for her shoes, her eyes constantly watching the white spot of Andy's shirt to monitor his sleep. She picked them up and stood, touching the coffee table to retrieve her purse before rushing to the door. She couldn't help turning to watch him, a feeling of heaviness pressing against her chest. Shaking her head, she sighed and returned to the couch, pulling the blanket over him softly and tucking him in. She stopped her hand, just in time, from caressing his cheek and running fingers through his hair. Closing her eyes and swallowing, she felt her heart sink to her stomach as she apologized to Andy internally, having had experience of this herself and thus unable to believe that she, of all people, would do this to him. Tip-toeing to the door, Sharon turned to look at Andy and froze.
"Sharon, it's the dead of night. I can't let you leave, please just let me drive you home." His voice rough but free from sleep, it was laden with the bitter awareness that she had decided to leave.
"I just- I can't, Andy." She murmured desperately.
He didn't stand up or even move, almost as though he knew it would be better to remain distant – to start getting used to it. Sharon couldn't feel relief however, only guilt and heartache. "Sharon, just let me drive you home and I'll leave. If that's what you want, I'll leave you alone," said, his voice bitter and weary, alarming her.
"Andy," she surprised herself by approaching him, "I can't let you drive me home."
"I won't let you leave here to look for a cab. Let me drive you home," he insisted, his voice steady.
"Andy, please," her voice shook and he released a deep breath, threading his fingers through his hair.
"Sharon, you can have my bed – I'll take the couch if you-"
"Please, Andy, don't be so good to me – so patient and caring – don't be so loving! I can't stand it and I don't deserve it!" she shouted as she poured her heart out.
"Sharon," he fought not to reach out and grab her, "you can tell me not to look for you – not to search for, hold nor kiss you, not to drive you home or talk to you, but you can never tell me to stop loving you." He cursed the darkness that prevented him from finding her eyes.
"Andy, please." Sharon felt his words stirring the emotions within her and choking her, and she was grateful for the dark that shielded her eyes from his, knowing exactly how to match the tone of his voice with the earnestness of his gaze as she felt her heart break.
"What? You want me to be quiet now? Because it's better to leave things unsaid so that nothing'll happen, right? Just to erase and rewind like nothing has happened? It doesn't work like that, Sharon." Andy's voice was embittered by his frustration though still compassionate in spite of it all.
"What do you expect me to do?! Andy, I-I just can't…"
"D'you really want to know what I expect from you, Sharon? Would it make any difference to know what I would like? No, it wouldn't, and we both know that well enough." Sharon admitted to herself that he was right. "Ok, now, just let me change my clothes and I'll be right back." Andy said, heading to his bedroom.
Andy kept his eyes on the road in a firm frown while Sharon looked out of the window, glancing at him sometimes. She didn't dare to speak - what could she say to ease the bitterness and disillusionment that she had caused? She could only make it worse. Andy stopped in front of the condo but he didn't pull over nor did he stall the engine. Not because he was unwilling to part with Sharon, but because he thought that if he had opened the door for her and walked her home she would have probably felt far worse.
"Andy," she said, and he turned to look at her with an almost desperate hope as he noticed her hands clenched together, "before – at your apartment – I wasn't sneaking out…"
He closed his eyes and allowed himself a brief smile, "I know."
Sharon couldn't get out. She just couldn't leave him alone and she didn't want to be alone anymore. It was three in the morning on a Saturday and she wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't sleep. She would be thinking of him as he would be thinking of her. They wouldn't have their work to distract them from thoughts of each other and they wouldn't see each other for two days. Was it better or worse? What was right and what was wrong? Never had she experienced such overwhelming, contrasting emotions that prevented her from reaching a decision. She couldn't say Goodnight becausethere was nothing good about that night and she knew that this was going to be an uneasy night. She no longer had caring for her children as an excuse, nor did she have Rusty. For the first time in ages she felt lonely. All her panic had disappeared, leaving her numb with loneliness. She looked at Andy, her eyes narrowing under a frown as she battled internally with herself, wanting him to stay for the night just to ease her pain. Andy's expectant gaze told her that he hadn't figured out what she wanted by reading her as he usually did, and she shook her head angrily, knowing that she couldn't ask him to stay. She heard the car engine stop. Andy pulled up, unbuckled, and got out of the car. She saw him walking around the car before he opened her door. Effectively, he was throwing her out, and she felt her heart sink. With the door open beside her, Sharon unbuckled her seatbelt in a daze and got out, unable to look him in the eye and staring at the ground instead. She stepped aside as Andy closed the car door, pressing against it. He turned and their eyes met, lingering for a moment.
"Do you really want me to leave?" he asked, causing her eyes to widen as Andy approached her, caging her in against the side of the car. Sharon's gaze opened up to him, and Andy continued, "Tell me you really want me to go," his voice was rough and desperate as his body and face drew closer to hers as he talked, never once looking away from her eyes, "Tell me," he continued, "that you don't want me to kiss you and I won't." He whispered against her lips, eyes glancing at them as his breath came out in hard puffs but fell softly against them.
"Oh, Andy..." she breathed softly, shaking her head, "Please." Andy closed his eyes and started pulling away, tilting his head downwards, "don't go – stay," she whispered, choking.
Andy's head jolted upwards, stunned. After a leaden moment, he pushed his body against hers, crushing her against his car as his arms wrapped around her shoulders and held her tight, and his parted lips covering hers.