December 2009
"What do you mean you want Ramona for Christmas?"
Kate squeezed her eyes shut as she listened to her ex-husband on the other end of the phone.
"You stole her away all summer. I want Christmas."
He couldn't do this. Not at Christmas. Not after six months of apathy. "I didn't steal her away all summer. I told you exactly where we were, and every single time you wanted to see her I dropped everything to drive four hours back to the city and make sure she knew her dad still loved her."
"Of course I love her." Now Gabe was raising his voice, and she sighed, burying her face in her hands. "But once a week for a sleepover isn't enough. I collect her from daycare and put her to bed, and you pick her up in the morning. How is that fair?"
"Nothing about this is fair, Gabe, but if you weren't such a workaholic you'd see her more often."
"Don't put this on me, Kate. One of us needs to work a real job. I'm happy for you that you're finding yourself-" Kate shook her head; from the sarcastic sound to his tone he was anything but happy for her, "-but don't pretend like I need to stop what I'm doing just because you're living the life of leisure with your rich boyfriend and making do with temp work."
"My what?"
On the end of the phone line, Gabe scoffed. "Ramona talks, Kate. Everything is Rick this, Rick that. I know you're seeing someone. Hell, I know all about Alexis and Martha, too."
"It's not like that," she said, biting her lip. She hated this; she didn't have to justify her relationship to anyone. "I can see people. I can have friends. Besides, we're not married anymore. And-"
Gabe laughed, bitterness bleeding through. "The divorce isn't final yet," he reminded her. "But look. I don't care, Kate. See whomever you want. Do whatever you want. But just know, I want to take Ramona to Long Island for Christmas. Your dad got to spend the whole summer with her. What's so wrong with my parents getting to see their granddaughter too? It'll be three nights. Four, tops. And she needs to know her cousins. Everyone's going to be there."
Not everyone. Kate concentrated on breathing in and out. She wouldn't be there. Rick wouldn't be there. Alexis and Martha wouldn't be there. And neither would Jim. But she couldn't deny the truth to Gabe's words; Ramona deserved to know the rest of her extended family.
"She hasn't been away from me for that long before," she said.
"Kate. She'll be okay. She's here every week, and she's fine. She's been going to my parents' place since she was a baby." He paused before continuing, his voice softening. "I'm not doing this to hurt you. And you know if I thought she wouldn't be able to handle it I wouldn't push it."
Kate nodded as she conceded. He was right. And if it hurt her, well, so be it. Ramona would be okay with Gabe and his family for a few days. "Fine," she managed, tears stinging her eyes, and she swallowed, trying to catch her breath. He was her father; he deserved time with her too. She had spent Christmas alone before, every year since her mom had died, until she was pregnant with Ramona. She could do it again. "Fine. Three nights."
"Oh, Kate."
"It doesn't matter," she insisted. "I'm not much of a Christmas person anyway. I mean, it's just-" She shook her head, and he felt his face fall. This was taking on such a different tone to their usual dinner dates when Gabe had Ramona. "You look like I just ran over a puppy. Rick, not everyone likes Christmas. It's always been hard for me, and I've always forced myself to celebrate for Ramona. So this year we'll just… do it differently. Okay?"
"Okay." He reached across the table, taking her hand in his, unable to force a smile. Like she'd run over a puppy indeed. He loved Christmas, and if the festive season wasn't as magical for Kate as it was for him, that was heartbreaking, not something he was just going to accept.
No, Christmas was meant to be thrilling, wonderful. It was supposed to mean cookies, and hot chocolate and eggnog and mistletoe, and if it meant something else for Kate, he needed to figure out a way to change that.
"We'll do something else," he promised her. "Something special, so that Ramona gets Christmas with you, too. Alexis, Mother and I celebrate on Christmas Eve. You should join us, and you can take her to his place on Christmas Day."
She shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. "I'm taking her over to his place on Christmas Eve. Then I'm going back in the morning so we can all unwrap gifts together, and then he's taking her to Long Island."
"But that's not fair!"
She shrugged, raising her wine glass to her lips and taking another sip before putting it back on the table and pushing her plate away. "Can we just go, Rick? I'm sorry- I shouldn't have come out with you tonight, I'm bad company."
"You're not," he said. "You're allowed to be sad, Kate."
He raised a hand, indicating for the waiter to bring the check. This had been a bad idea. He'd wanted to do something special, take advantage of having Kate to himself for a night, take her out on a proper date, but instead she was miserable.
The waiter brought the check over, and he signed for their meal with a sigh.
"You were right," she said, as they stood and he helped her into her jacket.
"I was? About?"
"Back when we first met. You told me not to kid myself, that divorce would be hard no matter what, and you're right. When Gabe and I split up I was only thinking about myself. But now I know that I'm spending Christmas without my kid…" She trailed off, and he brushed his mouth against her temple, his hand finding the small of her back as he guided her from the restaurant.
"Shhh," he whispered. "You'll be there as she unwraps her gifts, and she'll be back before you know it."
Kate raised a hand to knock. How had this been her apartment less than a year ago? As recently as July she'd had a key, walked these halls every day. And now she was a stranger here. Even the doorman downstairs barely knew her; he'd started over the summer and to him she was the ex-wife, rather than a resident.
She tapped her hand against the door, smiling as she heard the thud of Ramona's feet and the cry of "Mommy!" through the heavy wood.
"Hey, Kate." Gabe's smile was empty as he opened the door, and she nodded at him as Ramona flung herself into her arms.
"Hey," she returned, kissing Ramona and squeezing her tight, the ache in her heart lessening now her daughter was in her arms. "Merry Christmas, Sweetheart!"
"Mommy! Santa came, and we have presents!" Her daughter thrashed against her, scrambling to get down, and Kate laughed, putting her on the floor and following her through the apartment to the living room. Not much had changed since she'd left. Their wedding photograph was gone, but otherwise it looked much the same. The same white, clean lines that she'd hated for so long. "Look!" Ramona pointed at the gifts under the perfectly trimmed tree, and she nodded. Gabe had done a nice job playing Santa. "Look, all for me!"
"It's not all for you," Gabe reminded her. "Remember? I told you, we're taking some of these to Nana and Pop's for your cousins."
"Uh-huh." Ramona nodded, sliding across the floor and coming to a stop in front of the fireplace. "Mommy, you come too?"
Kate shook her head, taking a seat on the edge of the sofa. "We talked about this," she reminded her. "Just you and Daddy with your cousins for Christmas for the next few days."
"You go with Rick? I wanna see Alexis!" Ramona said, and Kate frowned as Gabe's expression darkened. He could say he was okay with Rick all he wanted, but she figured it had to sting, knowing she was in a new relationship. Not that Ramona only talked about Rick, Alexis and Martha; she was well aware, thanks to the three year old's chatter, that Gabe was seeing someone new as well.
"Mmm, maybe I'll go see Rick. And we'll both go see Alexis when I pick you up in a few days," she said, pointing at the presents. "Are you going to unwrap yours?"
"With you," Ramona insisted, plopping down on the floor and patting the space beside her.
"Okay." Kate kicked her shoes off - and yeah, she was a little satisfied by the look of annoyance that flashed across her ex-husband's face; he'd always taken issue with the way she left her shoes lying around - and padded across the floor, pulling her daughter into her lap and pointing at the closest gift. "Okay. You want to open this one?"
Kate stared across her empty apartment, the silence deafening. No matter how many times Rick had insisted she come to the loft and share a meal with him, Martha and Alexis, she hadn't been able to give in. Leaving Ramona alone at Gabe's this morning had been hard enough; she didn't need to bring that sorrow into Rick's life.
Now, at seven in the evening, she had no idea if she had made the right decision. Maybe she was wallowing; Gabe had accused her of as much when she'd left his apartment this morning and she tossed her book to the side. She had no idea what had happened on the previous ten pages, knew that she wouldn't be able to concentrate on the next ten either, and a sigh escaped. She stood up, stretching and walking toward her bedroom, willing this day to be over.
Was going to bed ridiculously early on Christmas Day pathetic? Probably. But she didn't think she even cared. She just had to get through the next day, and the next. Then her daughter would be back, and she could forget this miserable excuse for a holiday had ever happened.
From the kitchen, the shrill pitch of her cell sounded, and she turned toward it. If that was Gabe, and he needed her help with Ramona after shutting her out like this-
She frowned at the name on the screen.
Dad.
She hadn't spoken to Jim at Christmas since the first year that it had been just the two of them. A memory flashed into her mind, and she shuddered at the image. Christmas Day, 1999. That had been the first - but not the last - time that she'd found her father passed out.
"Hello," she whispered into the phone, and the voice on the other end was as quiet and hoarse as her own.
"Hi, Katie," he rasped, and she inhaled a sharp breath. No. Not today. Her dad could not fall apart today.
"Are you okay?" she asked, only to be met with silence.
"I'm okay," he said at last and she shook her head, pressing her fingertips to her temple.
"You… don't sound so good, Dad."
"I… just wanted to hear your voice." She nodded, sinking down onto one of the chairs at the table.
"Are you at home?" She could catch a cab across town, if he needed her. Maybe they could stumble through the rest of the holiday together. She swallowed. She should have thought about this before now, instead of being so caught up in her own problems.
"No. I'm up at the cabin," he said, and she frowned.
"Really? I didn't know you were going up there."
"I couldn't stay in the city, I came up two days ago."
"Yeah? Is it snowing there?"
"Uh-huh." He sounded better now, the hitch in his voice evening out. "You know, you should bring Ramona up here. She'd love it in winter."
Kate let out a humorless laugh. "Gabe has her," she admitted. "Until Sunday."
"Oh." Jim was silent for a second. "Looks like both of us are having a pretty crappy Christmas."
"Yeah," she agreed.
"I, uh-" The rasp was back in his voice and Kate flinched. "I bought a bottle of scotch at the store yesterday. It's… on the counter in the kitchen."
Kate closed her eyes. "Is- did you open it?"
"I opened it, and poured a glass, but I didn't drink it."
"Okay." She slumped down in her chair. What was she supposed to say? "Don't drink it, Dad. Tip it out."
"I'm going to," he agreed, and she nodded.
"Good. You don't need it."
"Good night, Katie," he said, ending the call and leaving her staring at her cell. She blinked back the tears. She had to pull herself together. She stared at the phone a moment longer, before punching down on the screen and scrolling through her contact list, tapping Rick's name and bringing the phone back to her ear.
"Hi, Kate."
His voice was a balm to her soul and she bit her lip before speaking. "Hi."
"You okay?" She felt her lips twitch up in the beginnings of a smile as his question echoed the one she'd just asked her dad.
"I'm okay," she lied. "But I just talked to my dad, and I'm worried about him."
"What's wrong?"
"He's up at the cabin, and he's been sober most of this year, but I think the holidays are hitting him hard."
"Well, why don't you head up there?"
She shook her head as she murmured, "I can't."
"Why not?"
"The cabin's four hours upstate, and I don't have a car."
"Yes you do," he said. "You drove it up there in the summer."
"No." She laughed, the sound bitter to her ears. "That was Gabe's car."
"Oh." She heard a scuffling sound in the background, and the hum of voices and she clenched her fist; she shouldn't have called and interrupted. He was probably explaining the interruption to Alexis and Martha. "Half an hour, okay?" he said, and she narrowed her eyes.
"What?"
"We'll be there in half an hour. Alexis and I. We'll drive upstate together, make sure your dad's okay."
"You- what?" she said again, and Rick chuckled down the line.
"You're having a shitty Christmas, Kate. And I know you're on some kind of quest to be miserable while you don't have Ramona with you, and I wasn't going to push no matter how much I wanted you here for Christmas dinner last night, and no matter how much I thought you should come over to play board games with us tonight."
"Um-"
"So Alexis and I are going to pack a few things, and we'll be at your place to pick you up in half an hour. You may not have a car, but I do, and there won't be much traffic. We'll be there by midnight."
"I-"
She heard a beep as Rick ended the call, and she shook her head. What, exactly, had just happened?
A/N: Thank you guys so much! We're three quarters of the way there, so tracking well for getting the fic wrapped up before I go away for the summer! Thanks K&J for beta-duty!