Chapter One
I can feel him staring. I can always feel him staring; every single morning I can feel it. It's these moments when I pretend for a few seconds that the person staring is him and a shy smile creeps upon my face. That is when the guilt sets in. He thinks the smile is for him; my husband who is laying there next to me, naked. The father of my sweet adorable child, but as much as I wish I could smile for him, I can't. I smile for the mornings when he would stare; stare at me as if he could see deep inside of me. With the gentle touches that would follow, tracing lightly across my brow bone down to the curve of my nose then onto the highest point of my cupids bow; where his breathing would hitch as he put it 'your natural beauty would take my breath away'. I miss him.
"I love you" he whispers. I feign sleep, hoping he doesn't realise I've woken but just as he says it our little girl bursts through the door.
...
The shower is warm, scalding but I hardly feel it. I don't feel anymore, not since that night. Don't leave me. Wet, shampoo, rinse, condition, lather, rinse, cry. Numbness everywhere. Wiping the condensation from the mirror the reflection I don't recognise anymore, this isn't me. I'm sorry love.
Walking down the stairs I hear the typical morning, Mike singing out of tune into the frying utensil while Ness laughs and claps with milk dribbling down her chin. This would be the perfect morning to any typical loving mother but I just don't feel. No.
"Again daddy, again!"
"If you promise not to tell mummy" Mike whispers with a cheeky wink. I can't be here, I can't ever be here I don't belong. I shouldn't be here. Pretend.
"I heard that" walking into the kitchen.
"Oh no Ness, we've been rumbled".
Take me away from here.