TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE AND ABUSE DON'T READ IF YOU MIGHT GET TRIGGERS

flashback

10 year old Amy hears footsteps outside her room, she shrinks into herself when her mother stumbles in. Amy clutches the teddy bear in her arms when her mother stumbles towards her, when her mum leans in to Amy's personal space she can smell the alcohol emit from her mothers body, she knows that whatever is going to happen will not be good. Her mum grabs Amy's arm roughly which causes Amy to scream out in pain.

"Shut it you little brat" her mum spits out, she throws Amy face down onto the bed and strips off her bottoms so her bare behind is exposed. "You deserve this" and once she says this Amy feels sharp pain curse through her behind, her mother hammering heavy blows to her behind with a wooden hairbrush. Amy's mother doesn't stop until Amy's skin is red raw, Amy sobs silently knowing that making a noise will only make her mother more aggressive. Amy is then rolled over onto her back and her mother roughly pushes her legs apart.

"Mommy please" Amy pleads once she realises what her mother is going to do, she feels a sharp pain on her cheek where her mother hits her.

"Shut it or I will march right into Sarah's room and do it to her" that is what makes Amy to stop talking, this is what makes Amy lay there as her mother rapes her. If only she knew that this was going to be the start of years of abuse.

Saturday

I lay wide awake staring at the celling, I haven't slept all night knowing that today I will talk to my mother. I roll over and look at Nicky, I smile when I see Nicky is fast asleep with a bit of drool on her chin. Yes Nicky Nichols is a drooler. I haven't told anyone about the sexual abuse I got because truth be told I am ashamed of it, I am ashamed that my first time was with my mum and horrible when I was 10. I still stay awake at night wondering why my parents did this, something must have caused them to act this way to me. I really only got sexually abused by my mother because my dad was always to drunk to make it up the stairs most nights, I turn around to my wall and I smile when I see the drawings that Sarah made me. I always battled depression thanks to the abuse and the only reason why I never committed suicide was Sarah, I knew that I had to be strong for her and in the end that was what made me wake up every morning. I get out of my bed and I quietly walk to the shower block, I go into a shower and I bathe under the lukewarm water. I get dressed back into my Khaki uniform and I make my way to the canteen for breakfast, I line up and I see Red give me a calming look when I get to the end of the line, Red took me in as part of her family which also consists of Nicky, Chapman and Vause. Red has been more of a mother to me than my own has been and that is what I will tell my mother later on today, I take my food and as I walk past Red steps in front of me.

"I hear your mother is seeing you today?" she asks me in her thick Russian accent, i nod and she places a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Show her the amazing person she has missed out on knowing" she tells me, I smile and I walk over to the table where Nicky, Alex, Piper, Lorna and big boo are sat. I sit down next to Piper and she turns to me.

"What time were you up Nicky said that you weren't in your bed when she got up" she says, I look at across at Nicky, who is having an animated discussion with Alex, she catches my eye and sends me a wink which I reply back with a smile. I turn back to look at Piper.

"Early I wanted to get ready for today with my mum" she nods understandably and turns back to her food, after a few minutes she turns back around and has a huge grin on her face.

"I wanted to say thanks for the ring it's beautiful Alex gave it to me today" she tells me, I smile when I see Alex grip Piper's hand and kiss her knuckles. We spend the rest of breakfast talking about the engagement and also what the difference is between semi and semi skinned milk. Yep that is really what we talk about in here. I make my way to the visitor area and I brace myself for myself what is about to happen, I walk into the packed room and sat in the middle of the room is no one other than my mother. I walk up to the table and I sit down not even giving her a hug witch she stood up for, she sits down and sends me a small smile. I don't smile instead I send her a disgusted look.

"How are you doing in here?" she asks me, I look at her and tell her about my new family.

"I'm doing good I have a great group of friends and the cook is more of a mother to me than you ever have been" I say, I can see her wince and looks at me with sorrow.

"That's good to hear" she tells me, I look at her and I finally ask her the question I have been wondering since I got her letter.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, she looks at me and grabs a hold of my hand. I quickly pull my hand away witch causes her to frown.

"I came to tell you how sorry I am for what I have done to you" she says, I look at her and I can tell that she means it. "When Sarah died I knew how bad I was to you and the things I did to you make me sick to my stomach. I left your dad and I really want to try to start fresh, I really want to know my eldest child" I look at her and I can see tears swimming around in her eyes, I finally ask her the question I have wanted to know ever since I was 10 years old.

"Why did you do those things to me? Why did you rape me?" I asked, my voice breaking when I say the R word. She looks at me and takes a hold of my hand and this time I don't pull away.

"I'm so sorry Amy I was drinking and on drugs and I was so angry at myself because I knew I couldn't be a mum to Sarah, I took everything out on you and I did the worst things and I am truly sorry Amy I really am" she said, she started to cry a bit so I gave her one of my tissues I have in my pocket at all times.

"I don't know mum I mean I hate you I really hate you but I also love you because your my mum, just give me some time to think ok I really need to process all of this" I tell her, she nods and I can feel a tear fall from my eye when she shows me a bracelet on her arm. When I was 11 I made her a bracelet in school and she told me that it was crap.

"I always kept this Amy, I always kept it" she tells me, the CO tells us its time to leave and I stand up and walk out of the room. I walk into my bunk and I let all of my emotions out and sob, I now know why she did those things to me.

There it is, what do you think Amy should do.

Turn down her mother

or say yes and try to have a relationship with her.

thanks for the reads and reviews it means a lot :)