...leave it up to you...
Chapter 3 : Sometimes we all hurt
Seifer
The rain is pouring outside. I can see the beads run down the window in my room. Clouds darken the world and thunder booms as lightning flashes across the sky of gloom. Outside everyone has umbrellas, but they're all black ones. There aren't any of those pesky little kids running around now, not with the lightning. I almost want to see them, splashing in the puddles with their yellow raincoats and multicolored umbrellas. Smiling, laughing - it's comforting.
Tamiel's been in her room all day. I cracked the door open to look in, but she turned away and burried her face back into her pillow. I know she's crying. I know that Aemi broke up with her.
And I know that it's because of me.
I don't remember killing Aemi's sister. I don't really remember killing. Maybe that's why it doesn't bother me so much. But it should. I know it should, but I can't find the heart to let it bother me.
Damn you, Hyne. Damn you for making me this way, for putting everyone through so much because of my faults. Damn you for letting me hurt so many people.
"Why didn't you just let me die... Why didn't you let him kill me that first time?"
"... Because He didn't have the heart to. And neither did Squall."
I turn around and find Tamiel standing there, her eyes red from crying and her face blotchy from the tears streaming down her face. Her eyes swell up again and she falls to her knees, shaking her head. It's now that I notice that for the first time since I met her, she doesn't have long sleeves on.
Up each wrist she has long, white, puckered scars. They're exactly the same as mine. Oh Hyne... she... she...
"No. No no no," I mumble as I get on the floor in front of her and grab her arms. I run my hand over them gently - carefully - and study each one. I can barely see the older ones, but the newer ones...
I'm scared for her. I didn't know. How could I? But I should have. I should have seen them, or noticed, or something. Damn you Hyne; why her? What did she fucking do to deserve these?
"Seifer, listen to me," Tamiel says slowly and very quietly. "No one's life is perfect. Not mine, not theirs, and not yours. But... sometimes we all crack. Under the pressures of everyday life and the trials and tribulations of the world, no one stands a chance. That's why there is family. That's where there are friends. That's why people have each other - so that at their worst, they have someone to turn to. You can't hide forever. You can't run, either. Maybe you need to face your past, Seif. I know that it hurts..."
Tamiel starts to cry hard now. Tears are streaming down her face and falling onto her pants. I... I don't know what to do.
Hyne, I can feel it all so clearly now. The pain, the emptiness... I want to feel something different for a change. I want the world to just disappear and leave me alone. Let everyone just stop living. No one would hurt then. No one would have to feel the way I do.
"I don't... understand..."
Tamiel looks up at me and holds my face with her soft hands. Staring straight into my eyes she finally smiles. This one, however, is one of pain. "Sometimes, Seifer, we all hurt..."