...leave it up to you...

Chapter 7 : The pain is always here

Seifer

I can't take it anymore. Not having her with me hurts too much. I have to see her - I have to see them. All of them. Even... even Squall. I don't know why, but I know that it's the only thing I can do. There's just something wrong about not being with her.

Tamiel was the one person I could count on. She was the one person who would stand up for me when no one else would. She lost so much because of me, and the last thing I can do is as least tell her I'm sorry, face to face.

I don't know where she is. I don't know how I'll find out, either. She's not in Deling, though. Not anymore. All her stuff is gone. She must have moved out. I wonder where she lives now? Maybe she's in Esthar - no, she wouldn't be there. Maybe she's in Timber, or Fisherman's Horizon. Or she could have gone to the Shumi village or another Garden...

No matter what, I'll find her.

Right now, all I can think of is making the pain stop. And there are only a few ways that I can think of... No, I can't. I can't do this anymore!

I slam my fist into the wall and several people look over at me. No one would even consider that I was the 'Sorceress' Knight', except for the fact that I carry my gunblade around. Then it's obvious. My reputation preceeds me. I've given up being Seifer Almasy. Hyne, I don't know who I am.

Just look at me. I look so... different: baggy black pants; longsleeved, fishnetted shirt; this dark brown, leather jacket. Old and worn out - that's what I look like. I'll never amount to anything. I lost all the hope I had when I let myself get beat. At least then, I had a little control, a little power.

Now I've got nothing.

"All abord the train to Balamb!"

Balamb... Balamb... Garden? Balamb... Garden? That must be where Tam went. There's nowhere else she would go. She'd go to Rinoa and all of them back at Garden. Somewhere that she was safe; somewhere she felt like she mattered.

I guess that's where I'm going.

"Hey, wait up," I call. The man looks at me and arches a brow. Particularly because of my gunblade. "I wanna get a ticket for the train."

"One-way or two?"

That's easy. One. I don't plan on... nevermind.

"One," I inform him. He nods and prints up a ticket.

"That'll be 500 Gil."

500! ... well, I guess that's fair. It's my one-way ticket to the end. Funny... I'm not scared anymore. I'm not scared of anything. Probably because I don't have anything else to lose. I've lost everything ever important to me. Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if I hadn't joined with Ultimecia.

Different, very different. But then again, I wouldn't have learned anything about life. I don't know what's worse - living in bliss not worrying about anything but never knowing anything, or living with pain but understanding the world and that what happens happens. I guess neither. Who really knows? ... Who really cares?

I'm on the train, and they say that it's going to be a couple hours before I get to Balamb. That's fine with me. I'm not sure if it's worse to sleep or think. The dreams are always unbearable. So much pain, so much death - and it's all because of me.

"--'scuse me," a young man mumbles after bumping into me as he tried to walk by. He looks at me to tip his cowboy hat, but in the process he stops just long enough for me to know he's staring. He recognizes me, but isn't quite sure if I am who he thinks I am.

I want to smack him, tell him to get on with his life, but I recognize him too. Irvine. Irvine... Kinneas? I never got to know him. I just know that he and Selphie have gotten really close - of course that came from Tamiel.

Are you going to move or keep on lookin' at your feet?

"... Something wrong?" I ask, not letting on that I know who he is, too.

"Well, sir, uh... you just... resemble... someone that my uh, female friend, uh, knows--knew, I mean. He went to Balamb Garden. I'm actually uh, headed there right now." He smiles nervously. He's probably scared that I'm going to stand up and slice his head off. Well, he shouldn't worry - I won't.

I shrug, glad that my gunblade is tucked away. He would definitely know who I am, if my baby was out. "Sorry, kid. This is my first time to Balamb. Wouldn't know the guy you're talking about."

Irvine nods. "Y-yeah... sorry to bother you." He continues walking, glancing once back at me.

As soon as he's gone I let out a long sigh and close my eyes. "Garden... I'm back."

To JadeAlmasy: Thanks for reviewing, and in Chapter 9 (give me a few days, lol) you will get your first Squall / Seifer encounter.