...leave it up to you...

Chapter 12 : Emotions are my enemy

Seifer

I just left Rinoa some flowers. I hope she's fine by the time I...

I just wish the best for her. And Squall was there by her side, too. He looked like he'd been crying. But I can't find any tears to cry. I know she'll be fine, even if there's a scar. I know that when she's up and moving again she'll hardly give a second thought to the fact that she got hurt.

... But my hurt is self-inflicted. My pain doesn't come from a monster, except the monster that is me. Tamiel's disappeared somewhere, and Zell and Quistis are spending some real, quality time together. I think Squall's still with Rinoa, and Irvine and Selphie are doing some errands at Fisherman's Horizon for Headmaster Cid.

I'm alone, and it doesn't hurt so much. Just as long as I kill my emotions. Emotions are my enemy. They make me weak, they make me hurt, and most of all...

"... they make me afraid..."

"What makes you afraid?"

I turn around and Squall's standing in the doorway. Fine. Let him stand there. I don't care anymore. My emotions are dead, and I can't feel. I don't feel anything for you, Squall."Well?" he repeats. I hear him move and soon he's sitting on the bed next to me. I don't bother to look at him. "Tamiel's worried about you."

"She shouldn't be. She should forget about me," I tell him.

Of course, that's never good enough for Squall. He needs complete answers. He needs how's and why's and... and... and I don't care! I'm not going to care! Just get the fuck away from me Squall, just leave now while I still have some of my damned dignity left!

And he's still sitting here, next to me. The things I would do if he would just leave me be. Let me live my life in peace, Squall. You haunt my dreams, nightmares - whatever they are. I'm nothing because you're everything.

"Damn you," I curse at him. He turns his head to look at me and I can't help but look back. "You heard me, Squally-boy. Damn you. Damn you and everything that makes you so perfect."

"... What are you talking about, Seifer?" he asks.

You know what I'm talking about, Squall. I said it once, and I'll say it again. You are what makes me hate myself more every day. Each damned day that I exist, you're always there to be better, be more, be something that everyone loves, which makes me something that everyone hates.

But I could never say it out loud. I would never say it out loud, because I don't need to make a situation right before I leave. So I'll just close my mouth and let it be.

"Seifer?"

I look away after I realize I'm staring. I didn't mean to do that. He touches my shoulder and I give him a strange look. He hesitates, but doesn't move his hand. "What?" I ask.

"... What did you think about for all those years you were gone?" he finally asks, taking his hand off my shoulder to fold his arms over his chest. "Did you think about what you had done, or wished you could change, or the people you left behind...? I mean, you were gone for so many years without a word."

I thought about how much better it would be if I was dead, Squall. That's the truth. "Just how much everything was changing." Simple. Blunt. And not the truth.

Squall 'hmm's and nods.

I feel like I've done this before. He hasn't said anything for a few minutes.

Oh, I think he's going to say something. It's only been... seven minutes. Must be a new record for him or something.

"Did you ever miss Garden?"

I glance at him, then nod. "Yeah. Sometimes." Not a lie.

"All of us?"

"Yeah." Not a lie.

"Me?"

"... ... Not really." A lie.

"Oh."

"That all?"

Squall shrugs. "If you want to lie to me, then yes."

Fuck you Squall. I'm not doing this. "Fine, then leave."

"You just admitted you lied."

I did no--yes, I did. "Shut up. I did not."

Squall smirks and turns to look at me. "Yes, you did."

I roll my eyes, then glare at him. "What's your point?"

"I know you're lying because every time you look at me, you look like you found something you lost."

What do you want me to say? That you fill the hole in my heart? Sorry, Squall; I'm really done with all of this. You can think whatever you want to, say whatever you want to, but it's over. In the end, what it all comes down to is--

"--What are you so afraid of?" he asks quietly, cutting off my thought. I watch him blankly, waiting for some kind of movement to hint at what he's feeling. Nothing. No movement, no nothing. It's just a question to him. So it should just be an answer to me, right?

"I'm not afraid of anything."

"Yes you are. You're scared of something. Tamiel was saying--"

"--Just shut up Squall. Tamiel doesn't know what she's talking about. She doesn't know anything about me and I don't care enough about her to ever let her know anything about me." A lie after a lie after a lie...

I hear a sniffle and look towards the door. Tamiel's standing there, a sad smile on her lips and a tear on her cheek. "Thanks, Seifer. It's nice to finally know... the truth..."