While I Wait

I said before I really don't want to give you any inkling of where this story is going to go but I will tell you that Castle is not dead.

Chapter Two.

It had been three weeks since the memorial service and things had gotten easier, the crying had died down, and the nervous breakdowns were at a minimum. Kate and Alexis had promised each other that they would go to therapy, that they would seek help for their heartbreak, and they had been.

Kate was still seeing Dr. Burke twice a week, which wasn't near enough in her opinion. On the days that she got to see him, those were good days, because he made her feel less crazy, more normal. She still hadn't returned to work, and she didn't know if she ever wanted too. The truth was, she didn't have to, Rick had left plenty of money for them, and she had already been added to his will, so she was taken care of, they all were.

She lay on her stomach; head perched up on her hands staring out the window in Dr. Burkes office.

He had been writing on his note pad for a few minutes, just taking notes about her progress. "Kate, have you been doing the journals?"

She shook her head, and took her bottom lip in between her teeth, biting on it nervously. "No, I don't want to write about it. I tried…. but it hurts to much to write about him. It starts out, me writing about how much I miss him and turns into memories that we shared and I can't deal with them, they turn into nervous breakdowns, and Alexis cant see me like this anymore. She has enough to deal with on her own, she can't take care of me too."

He sat forward in his chair, making an effort to focus on her. "It's supposed to hurt Kate, it's suppose to be unbearable. He was the love of your life, and I know that for certain because I have been right here in this chair for the last three years listening to you talk about him."

"I know, and I'm so grateful for what you've done for me, but I cant do it Burke."

"Look, I know it's hard, and I know that you don't want to do it, but I think that if you just try, just write a little everyday, it will help."

"You think?" She looked up, questioning his advice. She had tried, but it made things harder.

"I know so."

"Then I'll keep trying, I'll keep writing for him."

"It's not for him Kate. He is gone….This assignment is for you, to help you cope, and to heal."

"I'll never be the same." She sighed, lifting her body to a sitting position.

"You might not be, but maybe that's the point in all of this."

"So you're saying there was a reason he died, a purpose?"

"No, I'm saying that just because you were hit with a tragedy doesn't mean you have to lay there and take it. Fight back. For yourself, for Alexis, for everyone that loved him and misses him."

"Yeah, of course. I can try, I can at least try." She agreed.

"Yeah you can at least try. Look Kate, our time is up.."

"Wait, what, already?" She started to panic. She felt like she had just got here. It couldn't be time to go already.

"I'll see you on Monday Kate, okay?"

She nodded and stood from the couch, "I guess, I mean I think I need more than twice a week Burke."

"Kate, I don't have room for more than twice a week. Two times a week is already more than anyone else I see. "

"I know, I just need this."

"Its gonna be okay, and I'll see you Monday." He stood up, walking towards the door to open it for her. She took that as her cue and grabber her purse from the ground before exiting as fast as possible so that no one in the waiting room would see her tear stained face as she walked out.

Xx

When Kate got home she went straight to his office, opening his laptop and opening a word document. She stared at the blank page for a few minutes before she started typing.

Chapter One.

She titled the page and then started to write. At first she wanted to just write how they met and that turned into writing about him sticking his nose into her mothers case and before she knew it she had written 30 pages full of their story. It was easy to write their story; it was embedded in her mind. This was her version though, and unlike his version this would contain the truth, the real story. She didn't need to make up characters to tell her version, she wanted everyone to know who they were and what their love story was all about.

She wrote all weekend, in fact she barely slept and by the time she made it into Burkes office on Monday afternoon she had finished almost half of their story, her version of it anyway.

She walked into his office and dropped the stack of papers on his desk.

His eyes shot up to hers and he immediately noticed that she seemed more relaxed "Kate what is this?"

"You told me to write, so I wrote."

"You wrote this much?" he asked, impressed by the pile of papers sitting in front of him.

She walked over to the couch and sat down. "Yeah, once I started I couldn't really stop, our story is one hell of a story and there really isn't a way for me to leave things out without ruining it. It's all there. Well the first half of it anyway. I'm sure I'll have the rest finished by our next appointment. Do you want to read it?"

"Your story?"

"Our love story, believe me it's worth a read."

"You're writing yours and Ricks love story?"

"Yes, I mean he got to. Well he used Nikki Heat as a cover but it was our love story, just not all of it, my versions better."

"I'm so happy it's helping, you should definitely continue to write." He encouraged, picking the papers up from the desk and flipping through them.

"I will, I think I'm going to take it to Gina, his publisher when I'm done. I mean I think our story deserves to be told. Everyone deserves to know what kind of person he was."

"Are you sure you're willing to share that with the world."

"Look, Burke, he was my best friend, the love of my life. He spent his days following me around so that he could write me a beautiful love story, but in reality he was creating one with me. Every single day, he brought me a cup of coffee and had a smile on his face. He is the reason I am who I am today. He gave me hope, showed me that I could be happy, that I could be loved, and he deserves all the praise. He was the most amazing man I've ever known, and I want the world to know how much he meant to me."

"Well that sounds great. I hope that you finish it, and I hope that it becomes something great."

"Thank you." She smiled.

"Wow, and I get a smile out of you."

"I'm happy." She paused, looking down out of guilt. "Well, not happy, but better, I can feel him around me, I can feel him telling me that everything is going to be okay, that I am going to be okay."

"I'm happy that you are finding a way to cope, that you found something that helps."

"Don't get me wrong Burke, it still hurts like hell, and I cried my way through most of this writing, but I know that he is gone, and I know that I wont get to see him again until it's my time, but I'm not ready to give up yet, I'm not ready to quit my life."

"Well, I can't wait to receive the other half of this story, if you don't mind, I want to keep this part to read, that okay?"

"Yeah of course, make some notes for me too if you don't mind. I know that's not your job but I'd love the feedback from someone I trust."

Kate stood up and walked over to where Burke was standing at the edge of his desk. She threw her arms around his neck and gave him a tight hug, "Thank you for all of your help."

He was startled at first, but he could feel the sincerity in her words, and knowing that he was helping was enough to make him wrap his arms around her and hug her back. "Of course Kate, that's my job."

Xx

Kate stopped by a coffee shop on her way back to the loft, the same one she and Castle frequented together. When the barista started to repeat Kates order to he she held up her hand, "just mine today." She told her, giving her a smile and a nod.

It had been hard, living without him, but the hardest parts were that everyone associated them as a pair. There wasn't anywhere she could go that people wouldn't ask about him, and for those that knew who he was, they didn't speak, in fact they avoided contact. She felt more alone now then she ever had, so instead of going to the library or a bookstore she decided that his office would be her new home. She would spend all her time focusing on writing their story, so that the world would be able to fall in love with him the way she had.

Over the next two weeks Kate had almost fully completed their story, she had made it to the end, but she couldn't figure out how to end it, how to tell the part about his death, so she had stopped writing. She was giving herself time to think about if she really wanted people to understand her heartbreak or if she wanted to avoid that part. She was afraid it would take away from all of the good memories, all of the crazy ones. She also didn't know if she could handle it, handle writing about what she felt when she saw his car in a ditch, taken over by fire.

The stress of his death had been eating away at her, and she hadn't been taking care of herself at all. She had lost weight, and on her already thin body she didn't have much she could allow herself to lose. There were times when Martha would come over and basically force-feed her. Make her eat before she would leave her alone, and Kate appreciated that she cared so much, but she didn't have an appetite.

Dr. Burke had noticed that she was looking frail, and sick, and he knew that although she seemed to be coping better because of the writing, she still wasn't taking care of herself. During some of their sessions he could tell that she was weak, that her body was going down hill. So he recommended that she see a medical doctor, someone that could help her with her health and taking care of herself in a time like this. Of course she didn't want to go but he insisted telling her that if she didn't that he would prefer if she found another psychiatrist to talk to, and that is something that she was totally against. She loved her time with Burke, it was the only time that she felt safe enough to talk, to be herself. Everywhere else, she felt like she had to be strong, and in his office, those four walls provided comfort.

So she went to the doctor, and the doctors concern for her was more than Burke had led on. Just by looking at Kate the doctor wanted to admit her into the hospital.

"Miss Beckett, I can tell that you are going through a lot but just by looking at you I can also tell that you're making yourself sick. You're much thinner than you've ever been according to your charts, and although you're suffering through a tragedy, you still have to take care of yourself."

"I try, it's just hard for me to eat. I don't have an appetite, and I feel nauseous all the time. If I do eat, I throw it up. Not on purpose of course, I just can't hold anything down. I have migraines almost every day, and my nights are spent tossing and turning. The stress is just overwhelming me. I don't really know how to carry on with my life, without him."

"I cant even pretend to understand what you're feeling but I do know that we have to figure out a way to get you healthy again. I'm going to run a few blood test to see what we should work on first, and then I'll see you in a few days and we will go over a plan of action to help you."

"Okay, can I still see Burke on Tuesday? He told me I couldn't come back until I saw you and I've been dying, not being able to talk to him."

"Yes, I'll email Carter and tell him that you made your effort, but Kate, please try and get some sleep, drink as much water as you can, and start with saltines, just try to keep them down until we can meet again."

Kate nodded as the doctor walked out of the room.

She put her clothes back on and left the office to head home. She stopped by the drug store and bought a box of crackers.

That night she lay in their bed, nibbling on her saltines while staring at the laptop screen saver that Rick had, it was like he was sending her a message. Telling her to move on, to do something for herself.

You Should Be Writing.

So everyone excited about where this is going? Feedback would be great!