While I Wait

Chapter Three.

When Kate walked in to Burkes office on Tuesday afternoon, she noticed that her doctor was sitting in the place on the couch that she normally sat. Both of their eyes shot to her as she entered the room.

"Burke, I told you I would try to eat, that I would try to take better care of myself, and I have been. I've been making myself eat a lot of fruit and crackers. I know it's not much, but it's all I can stomach right now." She said, crossing the room towards the couch, laying her purse down on the floor and taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch as Dr. Maxwell.

He smiled and nodded, "Good Kate, I'm glad you're trying but that's actually not what this is about." He was nervous, she could see it all over his face, and that made her nervous.

"Dr. Maxwell and I," He began, looking towards the other woman for what seemed to me encouragement. "We decided that it was probably best that we tackle this conversation together. She uhh…. ran your blood work and the results she got back are actually why we are here."

She took a deep breath, her eyes racing back and forth between the two doctors. This couldn't be good, she could tell by the looks on their faces that this couldn't be good news. "What do you mean? Am I sick? Is something wrong with me?"

"Kate," Dr. Maxwell reached over, taking Kate's hand in hers, and that's when Kate could see it. The fear, she wasn't upset about something being wrong with Kate, but she was afraid, afraid of what Kate's reaction would be to the news, and that could only mean one thing. "I don't really know how to say this other than to just come out with it, but you're pregnant."

Her heart dropped to her stomach, and her breathing quickened as she closed her eyes and ripped her hand away from the doctor, pressing her hands over her ears as she tried to think. She knew she had missed her period, but she thought it was the stress. Maybe it was a mistake, I mean she and Castle had decided to stop using birth control literally two days before the wedding, there was no way that she had gotten pregnant that fast right?

"Kate." Dr. Burke tried to get her attention, but she couldn't focus on him. "Are you okay?"

She shook her head back and forth, unable to speak. She couldn't be, this had to be a dream. "Is this a joke? I have to go, I need to go home."

Dr. Maxwell stood along with her grabbing her hand, stilling her and pulling her back to the couch. "Kate we should really talk before you leave."

"I don't know what to talk about, this feels like a dream, a very fucked up dream." She jerked her hand away again, trying to create distance between herself and the doctor. "I mean, I lose my mom when I'm nineteen and that basically defines my life until I meet Rick, who comes in and turns everything upside down and I fall in love with him, completely in love with him, and on our wedding day he dies… in a freak accident, a fucking car crash on the way to our wedding. Now tell me that's not bad luck, and then oh 6 weeks later, I'm pregnant. SHOCKING! I must have been a really fucked up person in my past life." She was up again, pacing back and forth, her hands tightly gripping her own waist to keep herself upright.

"So you don't want the baby?' Dr. Maxwell asked, and Kate's head shot over to her, a look of disgust painted across it. She stopped pacing and just stared at the doctor.

"Of course I want this baby, are you insane. I got off birth control two days before our wedding Dr. Maxwell, we wanted this baby, he wanted this baby."

"So you're going to keep it." She reiterated.

"YES!" She yelled towards her. "I'm going to keep it. This is all I have left of him. You know, when we talked about it, he and I, I told him that I wanted to wait a while, that I wanted us to settle into our marriage, and he didn't agree with me." She was pacing again, back and forth. Busying herself so that she didn't break down, her mind was racing faster than her feet, and she couldn't slow it down either. "He told me that he wasn't getting any younger." She took a deep breath, "He told me that it didn't have to be now, but that he thought we should start trying just in case we had trouble getting pregnant." She came to a stop by the window, taking another deep breath and looking out at the city. "So I told him that if it was important to him, then it was important to me, and I stopped taking my birth control that day, and we only had sex one more time after that." She paused, looking back at Burke, "and that was the night before our wedding, so that means that this baby, was created the day before he died. There's no way in the world that I would let this go." The tears were just beginning to form in her eyes, one rolling down her cheek, but she swept it away fast. "In fact, I think I want to admit myself into the hospital until I can get my weight under control. I mean, you don't think that there is already any permanent damage done, right?" She asked, focusing her attention back on Dr. Maxwell.

"Honestly Kate I don't know yet, we are going to have to do a check up." The doctor said, getting up from the couch and making her way over to the window next to Kate. She formed her hand over Kates shoulder, giving her a reassuring squeeze.

"Okay, when? When should I come in?"

"Honestly today would probably be best."

"Fine, I'm there, but I need to at least go home and get some of my things. I don't want to freak Alexis out so I need to tell her that I'll be gone for a few days. How long exactly will I be gone?" Kate asked, breaking away from the doctors touch. She wasn't trying to be rude, but she didn't want anyone to touch her right now. Her anxiety was already through the roof and someone trying to calm her down right now would only make things worse.

"Kate, admitting you into the hospital might not be necessary." The doctor spun around, watching as Kate grabbed her purse from the floor next to the couch. "We can go to my office now, and I can do a check up and we can check on the baby at that time. I'll be able to tell you what the next step will be after your check up, but there is definitely no need to freak out yet." She assured her.

"I don't think you get it." Kate rolled her eyes at her. "This baby is all I have left of him, all I have left of our life together." She ran her hand across her stomach instinctively. "I'm freaking out because if something happens to our baby because I've been so careless about my health, I'll never forgive myself." She dropped her head, sweeping the tears away again. She hated crying in front of people, she hated that they pitied her.

"Kate, if you're only six weeks. Your baby has a great chance at being absolutely perfect."

Kate nodded and smiled, as the tears continued to fall from her eyes, "I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that this pregnancy takes, that I don't lose this baby."

Xx

"The baby seems fine, Kate." The doctor said as she walked back into the exam room. Taking a seat on the stool next to the exam table. "I mean as far as i'm concerned I think you'll be fine, but if you take care of your body you should have no problem carrying this baby to term."

"So what do I need to do?" Kate asked, sitting up on the exam table.

"Well you need to start taking pre-natal vitamins immediately, and something has to be done about your diet." The doctor started to flip through a stack of papers she had brought into the room with her when she came back, "These are a list of helpful tips as far as things that will be easy to eat and keep down. Things that are easy on your stomach but still carry nutritional value."

"I can eat, I can force myself to eat if I have to." Kate assured her, her feet frantically swinging back and forth off the end of the exam table.

"I know that you're under a lot of stress Kate, and I know that this is not going to help the situation." The doctor reached out, stilling Kates legs, "But you're going to be fine."

"Knowing that I have a piece of him inside me, it makes things easier. All he wanted was to start a family with me, and it's going to happen, he just isn't going to be here for it, but my baby, he or she is going to know all about their father, and what an amazing man he was."

"I just don't want this to drive you insane. Knowing that he wont be there for the birth or to help raise the baby."

"He wont be, but I'm not alone. His daughter and mother live with me, and I have my father and a crew of friends that will be right by my side through this."

"Good. I advise that you take full advantage of those people during this time. Pregnancy is not easy on an emotional level, and after all you've been through I think it's best that you keep them close by and make sure you continue to see Dr. Burke."

"I don't think I'll be stopping that for a while anyway." She laughed, rolling her eyes as she turned her head away from the doctor to wipe the tears off her cheeks.

"Good, that's good to hear, and Kate you don't have to act so strong, it's okay to be sad."

"I know, I just don't want to put my problems on anyone else. This is something I have to deal with, not you, or anyone else around me."

"Kate, I know you don't want sympathy, but honey, this is a time when it's okay to accept it."

"I know, I know." Kate nodded, smiling and looking back up at the doctor. Trying to reiterate that she was going to be okay, even though she wasn't sure she would be.

"Well Kate, I don't usually see my patients as often during the first trimester, but I'd like to see you back in two weeks just to make sure that everything is still okay."

Kate stood up from the exam table and grabbed her clothing from the chair next to it. She just wanted to get out of here as fast as possible. "Sounds good, I'll be here."

Xx

When Kate entered the loft that evening Alexis jumped up from the couch and walked towards her.

"Kate where have you been? I've been worried sick, you didn't answer my calls or text all day."

Kate grabbed the younger girls hand, forcing a smile and walking her back towards the couch. "Alexis I need you to sit down,"

The girl sat immediately, she was anxious now, she just wanted to know what was wrong. "Is something wrong, are you okay?"

"I went to see Dr. Burke this afternoon."

"Yeah I know, but that's normal Kate, you see him twice a week." She shook her head, a million possibilities running through her head.

"I know, slow down kid, let me get my story out." Kate laughed, which eased Alexis mind a little bit.

"Sorry." She apologized, "I was just worried."

Kate nodded and continued. "When I got there, my other doctor was there, Dr. Maxwell. Burke made me go get a check up last week because he thought I was getting too thin."

Alexis looked her up and down. "Well, you are, you barely eat."

"I know, and I went to the check up, so when I go to Burkes office, they were both waiting on me, and they told me that…" Kate paused, closing her eyes and catching her breath, "Alexis, I'm pregnant." Kate mumbled.

She instinctively wrapped her arms around Kate, hugging her tight, "You are?" she whispered, the emotion clear in her voice as she choked on the words.

Kate nodded into her shoulder, a smile making its way across her face. She didn't know how Alexis would react, but she hadn't expected this. She thought she might be upset or mad but not happy, she didn't imagine happy.

"So you're happy?" Kate asked, backing away from Alexis.

"Are you kidding me? Are you not happy?"

"Honestly I didn't know what to feel at first, but now that I know you're happy, it makes me much happier. I really wanted this baby with your father, of course we didn't know it would be happening so soon, and I can only imagine what the look on his face would be right now if it was him I was telling."

"Kate he would be ecstatic." Alexis smiled, she was in such shock, this was the last thing she had expected to hear.

"I know, and that makes me so much happier. The fact that I know he wanted this. We had discussed it a few days before the wedding and I had just gone off my birth control."

"Ewww, I don't need details, he's still my dad." She cringed, shrugging her shoulders as if she was trying to block all imagery of her dad and Kate doing that.

Kate laughed, grabbing Alexis' hand and squeezing it. "I know, I'll spare you the intimate details, but just knowing that I have this piece of him, this piece of us, it makes things easier. You'd think it would make it harder, the fact that I will have to do it without him, but this baby is exactly what I needed. It's like it was a gift from him."

'It was, and Kate you know that I will always be here for you and this baby. We are still a family, and we are going to do this together, you and I."

"Yeah, you and I." Kate replied.

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