While I Wait

Chapter Four.

It had been two weeks since she found out she was pregnant, and 8 weeks since his death. Kate had been writing non-stop, proof reading, and re-writing. She still hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy except Alexis. They had decided to wait until after her first trimester to tell anyone, just in case something did happen with the baby. They didn't want to spread the excitement just to have to rip it away from everyone.

The first draft of the book was almost finished, and she had contacted Gina telling her about it a few weeks ago. She was surprised at how excited Gina sounded about the book. She really seemed to think it was a great idea, probably for her own benefit but it still made it easier for Kate to write. She had spent many nights, up late, hammering away at the keys of his laptop. She had never been a writer, never even attempted to be, but it was coming so easily. Telling their story was the easiest thing she had ever done. Maybe it was because she was so passionate about it, so passionate about making it the best that it could be.

She had set up a meeting with Gina to hand over the manuscript for her to read, and Kate was nervous. Nervous that she wouldn't like it, nervous that she would want to change it, which Kate knew she wouldn't be able to do.

So there she sat in the waiting room in black pawn, the walls covered in Nikki Heat cover art. Constant reminders of the man she loved everywhere she went, but this, this was different, harder. This was his life, what everyone knew him as, everyone except those close to him. To her, to his family, he was so much more.

"Miss Beckett, Gina is ready for you." The receptionist called out to her, interrupting her memories of Castle.

"Of course." Kate said, standing up and walking towards her office.

As she walked through the door she noticed even more Richard Castle memorabilia, books, posters, her office was covered in memories of him.

"Have a seat Kate." She said, standing from her seat to make her way around to Kate.

Kates eyes shot over to Gina, "Are you sure? I mean we don't have to talk, I can just give it to you."

"Kate we are going to have to talk at some point. I know I might have been his ex-wife at one time but in the end I was just his publisher, nothing more."

"I know." Kate said defensively., taking a seat in front of Ginas desk. The chairs were lush and beautiful. Her office was amazing, decorated with expensive furniture.

"I didn't mean anything by it Kate. We were all aware of how in love he was, believe me. I mean have you read any of the Nikki Heat books?"

Kate laughed nervously, "Of course I have. He wasn't very subtle was he?"

"Yeah subtlety wasn't even in his vocabulary." She laughed, taking a seat in the chair next to Kate instead of her chair on the opposite side of the desk.

"So is it good?" Gina asked, getting down to business. She crossed her legs and laid her hands over her lap.

"Yeah, I think it is. I mean it's real, and it's the most honest I've ever been."

"Well then, I can't wait to read it. If you give me the weekend I can have it done by Monday."

"Oh that's quick, I expected it to be longer than that."

"I'm a speed reader. I also just want to let you know that I'm going to make notes as I go along. They will mostly just be suggestions, but with this type of writing, it will be hard to change much, seeing how it's a true story. Most notes will probably just be asking for details, or for more background."

"Oh believe me, there is plenty of background."

"Good." She nodded, "Look Kate, I know that you must be having a really hard time. I mean hell there are nights that I toss and turn thinking about him, and missing him and I wasn't even in love with him anymore. I just want you to know that I think this is brave, I think that you are tremendously brave."

"Ehhh I wouldn't say that I'm brave, this actually scares me to death, but I think that this is what he would want. He would be excited about it. When you read it, I just want you to be honest."

"Yeah, of course, I'll call you Monday afternoon and we can meet up and discuss it."

"Sounds perfect." Kate stood to walk out, turning around as she placed her hand on the knob. "Oh and Gina, if you don't mind, after you read it I would like for you to keep it between you and I for a little while longer.. the ending."

"Okay, I guess I can do that, any specific reason?"

"I can't tell you, it's a spoiler."

Gina laughed and nodded, "Well, my lips are sealed until we have a contract signed."

"A contract?" Kate asked, shocked.

"I mean if I like it, then we will probably start negotiations for a book deal."

"Right." Kate nodded, opening the door and walking out.

The whole thing seemed absurd to her. She wasn't a writer and somehow she found herself in the works of being a published author. Rick Castle was probably laughing at her. Kate Beckett, a published author. She wanted this, she wanted the world to read this. As private as she had been about them and their relationship, she found it odd that she was so willing to share this with everyone, share him now.

Maybe it had been the funeral, seeing how loved he was, how many people cared about him. Or maybe it was just because of how much she loved him. Whatever it was, she was excited, for the book, for the baby. She couldn't wait to share the news of the baby with her family and friends. She just had to make it another month, one more month with this sweet baby tucked inside of her. Her health had been amazing since finding out about the baby. It had made it easier for her to take care of herself. She had a reason to take care of herself, and she wasn't about to let her depression over losing him, cost her their baby.

She had basically been secluding herself from her family and friends since the funeral, and especially since finding out she was pregnant. She didn't want a slip up to occur but when Lanie and Espo showed up at the loft that night with a pizza and beer she couldn't turn them away. So she let them in and set the table for them to sit and eat with her.

Lanie had been eyeing her throughout the meal, and when Kate would catch her, Lanie would just smile and look away. Espo had left the table to go to the bathroom when Kate caught her staring again.

"Lanie, stop looking at me like that, I'm fine." Kate took another bite of her pizza.

"At least you're eating, you look better."

"Gee, thanks." She rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious. I didn't imagine that you would look this good. I figured you had been ignoring me for a reason, but it looks like you're doing okay."

Kate took a drink of water and sat her glass back on the table, wiping her mouth with her napkin and laying it over her plate.

"I know I've probably been worrying you all but I've just been busy."

Lanie rolled her eyes, "Oh yeah, busy with what? You haven't been working, and you aren't spending time with us."

"So…" Kate stood up grabbing both of their plates and heading towards the kitchen, "I've been writing actually."

Lanie stood to follow her, grabbing their plates from Kate and dropping them into the sink and rinsing them off. "Writing eh?"

"Lanie you don't have to do that, I can do the dishes."

"I know you can, just helping out girl. So this writing situation, What are you writing?"

"A book actually, about Rick and I."

"A book? Are you doing it for yourself or are you hoping to do something with it?"

Kate stood there, chewing on her bottom lip, nervous to tell her too much.

"I'll tell you but…"

"Kate, something's up, or you're up to something. I can see it allover you, I noticed during dinner." She pointed her finger at Kate, looking for a tell, something to let her know that Kate was hiding something.

"Yeah, I noticed that too." Espo said as he came out of the bathroom. "She's being sneaky about something."

"Am not." Kate shot back, "Why are you all ganging up on me, I've been nothing but nice to the two of you. I welcomed you into my home when you showed up uninvited." She teased, turning and walking away from them so that she could hide her smile.

"I just know you Kate, we both do. You're hiding something and I need to know what it is right now."

"I told you I'm writing a book, and yes I plan on getting it published. Actually Gina has the first draft of my manuscript right now."

"What? Already? Have you been speed writing?" Lanie asked. Espo and herself hot on Kates tail as they followed her to the living room. Everyone taking a seat, the two of them staring a hole through her.

"It started out as an assignment from Burke, he wanted me to journal, but it was so hard to just talk about how much I missed him, so instead I started writing our story, from the beginning. I wrote so much the first three days that my fingers were raw from the keyboard. I just couldn't stop, and now I've basically finished it and Gina is going over it."

"Wow, I don't mean to intrude but how did you end it?" Lanie asked, nervous that Kate might not answer, or might not feel comfortable.

Kate took a deep breath and looked down at her hands that were anxiously wrapping around each other, "I cant really say."

"Can't say? I mean did you talk about the accident? Or did you end it before that."

"No, I talked about the accident."

"And that was okay? You're okay with sharing those details." Lanie asked, curious as to how the most private person she had ever known had suddenly been so willing to share something so personal.

"Look, you all." Kate stood up, walking behind the chair and then turning to look back at them. "I am just going through a lot right now and it will all make more sense if you just give me time. I'm just not ready to talk to you about everything that's been going on."

Lanie stood up and walked over to Kate, grabbing her hands to gain her attention, "I understand, but if something is going on and you need to talk to someone about it, then you know I'm here right?"

Kate nodded, a tear sneaking out of her eye and running down her cheek. "I know and I love you all so much but you all just don't understand what I'm going through."

"Maybe that's because you keep us at arms length."

She turned her head and dried her face on her shoulder.

"Okay, I mean, if you don't want to talk I can't make you. Just want you to know that I'm here."

"Me too chica."

"Okay Javi, I think we should go, give her some time alone." Lanie said as she gave Kate a hug and went to the kitchen to grab her purse.

Javi stood up and hugged her as well before making his way to the door.

"Thank you all for coming over, and I promise that things will get easier, and I'll be more open. Just right now, I'm dealing with so much and I need time to digest it myself."

"We understand girl, no apology necessary, but I will be expecting you to respond to my text messages."

Kate laughed and opened the door for them, "I will, promise."

As the door closed behind them, Lanie grabbed Javi's hand and pulled him closer, leaning up to whisper in his ear. "Javi, I think she's pregnant."

"There's no way, why do you think that? I mean she would tell us right?"

"I can just tell, and would she? I mean this is Kate we're talking about."

"You're right, but if she isn't telling us, there is probably a reason, and you shouldn't push her." It was a warning, and she knew he was right. If Kate was pregnant, she would tell them in her own time.

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