A/N: Before you get mad, I don't think that the way women dress makes the responsible in anyway for sexual assault, but I thought it would be something Beckett would struggle with.
Happy reading.
(#wearewinter GO CANADA GO - winter Olympics for the win!)
The mostly steady beeping of the machine was the tempo in the three minds, it's consistency was comforting and they all hung on to it as they became absorbed in their thoughts.
She felt used, a sense of worthlessness washed over her, an irrational thought eating through her brain. Would Castle even want her anymore? She had let them rape her, hadn't she? She had cheated on him. The sense of shame was overcoming. She looked over to him and found his breaths hitching when he inhaled, his face covered by his large hands.
Kate didn't want to tell them that she was full of guilt. The feeling of responsibility was crushing. She told herself that she was trained to protect herself and as a result the blame was hers. The dress she was wearing had been far too revealing and walking alone at night was plain stupid. She brought it on herself, really. Her eyebrows furrowed painfully and she winced.
She had always looked at her naturally slim stature as a blessing, grateful that she wouldn't have to struggle through weight issues like so many women. Sometimes she had doubts, she would pinch her skin and loath the bearclaw she had accepted from Castle that morning, or the whispers of cruel women that she was anorexic made their way into her psyche and she would purge on chinese. But every other woman had the same problems in their own variation. She looked down her body, the first tear slipping down her face as she remembered the way the men had cupped her ass so animalistically. They began to spill as she harshly cursed her beautiful figure.
Nausea built against her sore throat as she remembered the way the men's dirty hands swept through her long hair and she grasped Alexis' hand a little tighter, fighting back the vomit that threatened to lurch out of her.
People always said that women who get… who are… she couldn't bring herself to even think the word.
They said women asked for it; it wouldn't have happened if they had dressed more modestly. Kate had never believed those accusations, but now self doubt filled her. She tried to place the blame on someone and her mind was drawing a blank save for herself. How could she blame the men? They were drunk for goodness sakes. They were drunk, right? She thought back to the events of last night as they became increasingly and cursedly clear in her tactically trained cop mind.
The guilt left suddenly as the smell of one of the men unexpectedly filled her nose. She gagged and desperately brought Alexis' wrist to her face, expelling the stench of the man with her scent. Alexis looked up at her in surprise and found her eyes hollow. Kate felt empty. She let her hand go limp in Alexis' and felt her gaze blur as she hopelessly stared at nothing.
Alexis was feeling lost. She was trying to figure out a way to leave her father and Beckett alone. As she saw the agony ripping through Beckett's face and her father crying, having secluded himself on the other side of the room, she couldn't bring herself to get up and make some half hearted excuse. When she felt Beckett's hand tighten, she looked up in surprise and saw that tears had released themselves from the detective's eyes and Alexis was filled with despair that such pain could be so evident from the strong woman.
She looked towards her father for guidance, searching in his posture for something that indicated anything other than the pain of seeing the love of his life so broken.
She felt overwhelmed by the whole situation and had just turned back to Beckett when she was jerked forward in a fit of strength surprising from a woman in her condition. Relief flooded her face like a drug addict getting a hit as Beckett inhaled her scent, her body going limp from the high. Beckett's eyes went dry almost instantaneously and her hand would have fallen if it weren't for Alexis holding it up.
She would have thought Beckett was asleep if it weren't for her open eyes which gazed out at nothing.
Alexis stared at the remarkable woman in front of her, finally feeling she could look without being caught. Kate, she had decided to call her Kate now because this woman in front of her was too vulnerable to be Beckett, looked like she had come from the set of the Walking Dead.
She couldn't, in her wildest imagination, think of what could possess a human being to do this to another human being. To beat them so hard that their cheeks caved in. She now saw that Kate had broken an arm, the white of the cast blending in with the milky sheets.
The smell of overserilization made the experience surreal, somehow Alexis had convinced herself that this had to be some sick joke and tentatively reached over to touch the scar on Kate's eyebrow, wanting to wipe what had to be makeup from her face.
Kate was pulled out of a white abyss where no one existed but the ghost of her mother by a gentle touch over her eye which sent a throbbing in her head. Her eyes widened and a child like, instinctive fear rose from her gut and filled her chest as the innocent woman beside her became a monster before her very eyes. She cowered away, clenching her eyes shut as she attempted to calm the demons inside her.
Alexis yanked her hands away and held them up as if to surrender. Guilt filled her and tears sprung to her eyes as she stood and stumbled backwards, "I'm sorry." she managed, "I didn't… I'm so sorry." she stumbled over her words and her feet as she made her way to the door, "I should leave you two alone." She brought her hand up to cover her mouth, face twisting in an effort to hold back the tears she felt she had no right to release.
Kate's eyes widened more, and the fear in her chest turned to panic as the prospect of being left alone with the man on the other side of the room overrode the fear of the girl in front of her, "Don't." She choked, "Don't leave. Please." The last word a desperate plea breathed in an uncharacteristic show of weakness.
Alexis' breath hitched as she considered the woman and slowly nodded, glancing at her father who had flinched at the words. She hesitantly looked at Kate, who wouldn't meet her eyes, and gingerly stepped back towards the chair where she had been sitting. She angrily wiped away a lone tear on her cheek, resting her hand there for a second before instinctively placing it beside Kate's, there if she wanted it.
It wasn't that he couldn't bare to look at his fiance, her face could be the only one he saw for the rest of his life and he would still never tire of finding new creases and expressions waiting to be understood.
It was that he felt so heavy with sorrow and guilt.
His head rested on his hands because it was to heavy to lift. The tears fell down his face because all of the water in his body had shot to his tear ducts, his heart having taken up too much space.
The image that flashed before his tightly clenched eyes was the fear in Beckett's face as he had started towards her. He refused to think how this fear had been placed in her, instead distracting himself with everything he would give to take her place in that bed.
The thoughts proved to be unhelpful, everything he could think of immediately being dismissed as worthless in the shining glory of the woman.
Castle's pain became hard for him to bare as his thoughts threatened to consume him. He opened his ears and clung to the beeping of the machine, breathing in beep, beep, beep, breathing out beep, beep, beep. This pattern kept him sane, kept his selfish emotions from Beckett, sparing her the best he could.
The words his daughter spoke echoed through his head, though he didn't look up to understand what they meant. It was Kate's 'please' that jerked him from his self wallowing. The desperation so clear in her tone made his heart skip a beat and he looked up to see Alexis walk slowly back towards his love. His eyes caught the hesitant movement of Alexis' hand beside Kate's, and her internal struggle before lightly resting her hand on top of the young girl's.
Castle stood and carefully, quietly made his way to the other side of Kate's bed. His shoulders were hunched, his steps unsure, unsteady. He pulled up a chair and sat mirror to his daughter, offering his hand in support much like his reflection.
Rick saw Kate struggle longer as she eyed his hand in a look so primal, it could have been a cat wearily judging a large dog. She stared at his hand for full minutes, hardly blinking before tearing her gaze away to look down at her injuries. Rick's hand stayed still as Kate's inched towards it. She raised her pinkie and it shook before coming down softly to brush the tip of his index finger. Her touch sent a shiver down his spine making it an effort to remain still.
It took Kate five painstaking minutes before her hand covered Castle's. He waited before he slowly flipped it, palm up. Her hand slid around his and she softly squeezed. Her eyes had been trained on their hands but she glanced up as she did this, not meeting his eye, but still catching him looking at her, surprised at how his gaze on her felt so different from those men's.
It took Kate three hours to crack; before the silent support that oozed from their hands coupled with the crippling emotions that overtook her caused her to speak in a murmur so quiet Rick's ears could hardly register the words. She didn't want to tell them she was full of shame and guilt. She should be able to protect herself, she was trained to do it. She needed to hear that it wasn't her fault, needed to know she was still loveable even if she couldn't believe it. Above all she needed to not be afraid of Castle. She craved his touch, yet his hand in hers sent shudders down her body.
She was drowning in emotion; anger, fear, shame, guilt, pain, distrust, emptiness and violation but at the same time a confusing sense of support, love, comfort and family. Her head spun, she was surrounded now by such a strong sense of these positive emotions that were entirely lacking in the death of her mother.
But the anger quickly ate through any positive. It began directed towards her attackers, but she could feel it branching out to the people she loved, and this scared her more than anything else could have. It was irrational, distasteful anger, but she was entirely too familiar with it. She knew that the anger needed to be controlled before it turned into obsession and pushed away the people she had worked so hard to open herself up to. This knowledge opened her mouth, and the overwhelming love she received from her fiance and his daughter spilled the story from her lips.
"I was so late, Castle. I didn't want to be, but I made a breakthrough on the case. It was-"
"The brother," They both said together, looking at each other in a deeply familiar way that almost made Kate forget her pain.
She averted her eyes quickly and continued, "I turned onto a side street, I didn't even see them at first, Castle." Rick's body relaxed slightly at the familiarity of his name on her lips before he shuddered at her next admission.
"They looked at me like I was meat," she mumbled, "I changed at the precinct. I wanted to look good for you. I was going to tell you…" She trailed off and added an, "Oh" in a voice so weak it could have belonged to a sickly child.
A tremor vibrated through her body as she took a sharp breath. This time when she looked at his concerned blue eyes they held hers strongly in a gaze she thought she could never tear from.
For a second time she went numb as he drew the words out of her, she barely registered the meaning of what split from her mouth, "I stopped taking the pills." She paused, scrunching her brow in confusion of the horrible possibilities it presented her, "I was going to tell you, we were going to use protection until we were ready. I so wanted us to be ready."
He looked confused but soon tensed so tightly a cramp tore through his calf as realization eventually came, a shadow covering his face, "No, Kate, no." He stood and reached his other hand to caress her face but pulled away when he saw fear flow into her eyes as she looked away.
"They raped my, Rick." Kate's voice was strong for this sentence, though her eyes wouldn't meet his.
They heard a sharp intake from Alexis as she looked at Kate's injuries in a whole new light.
Rick pulled his hand from Kate's and balled them up into fists, crouching on the ground and forcing them painfully into his eye sockets. His body shook as he tried to control his anger, instinctively knowing that any violent outburst would only make it harder for Kate to be around him.
Kate watched Castle, eyes puffy, red, and brimming with fresh tears and she saw the admission, a statement that had yet to fully register in Kate's mind, clearly become a shocking reality for the first of them.
Alexis stared at Kate with horrified disbelief as tears welled and dripped over her eyes.
"Rick, shh, Rick. I'm okay." Kate quietly soothed as Castle stilled below her. She reached over to him with her hand and gently ran her fingers through his soft hair.
Castle stilled at her words, removing his fists from his face and slowly clenched and unclenched them before looking up at her and taking her hand in both of his. He tenderly kissed it before leaning towards her and resting his lips on her forehead.
Kate's heart beat faster as she saw Rick approach her, but managed to keep still, the satin kiss washing calm over her body better than any amount of morphine could.
Over the next couple of hours doctors came and went as well as police which took her sparse statement. It was a blur for Kate, the procedure, however, was new for Alexis and Castle and overwhelmed them.
She received an HIV cocktail and the morning after pill which fell the room into an eerie silence.
It was broken by the ringing of Castle's cell, the jingle making them jump and a tense laugh broke from Alexis' mouth before she clamped her hand over it. Beckett smiled at her grateful for the emotional outlet. Castle took out his phone, intending to shut it up, but paused when he saw it was the 12th precinct. He glanced at Kate and showered her the face of his phone so she could see who it was.
She nodded slowly and watched as he brought it up to his ear.
"Castle," he said quietly.
"She's, uh, here with me."
"No," he chuckled softly before soberly continuing, "She's been… she's at the hospital."
"Yeah, she's pretty banged up though."
"Why don't I let you talk to her?"
Castle handed Beckett the phone, mouthing Ryan.
"Hey, Ryan" Kate said softly.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just a little banged up, you know. Nothin' that I can't handle."
"I was," she briefly paused, "mugged, it was stupid. I didn't have my gun with me, or my badge. Rookie mistake."
"Thanks Ryan, the doctor said I should be fine to come home later tonight, as long as I can keep solids down and my meds can be managed orally. I'm not sure when I'll be back at work though."
She let out a small laugh, "Pretty bad, but I think it looks worse than it is."
"Thank you, I'd appreciate that. I was going to get Castle to, but if you could drop by, Martha should be able to pick some out."
"Thanks Ryan, I'll see ya soon."
She finished the call and handed it back to Castle, indicating for him to call his mother.
"He and Espo are gonna pick up Martha and a change of clothes for me before heading over here. They'll arrive in about an hour." She hesitated, taking her time to look in each of their eyes, "I don't wanna tell anyone else."
They solemnly nodded. She closed her eyes and wiped her hand tersely along her thigh.
"Thank you" she tentatively added, her voice choked with emotion.
And so they sat, hand in hand, thinking of the innocence of yesterday and hoping for a better tomorrow.
A/N: Thoughts?