A/N: Hey guys, I'm not really happy with how this chapter turned out, I'm really hoping that it's better than I think it is, but doubt it. I hope you guys are good and enjoying whatever awesome thing life has to offer you right now! So without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, chapter 6;
SIX DAYS
The soup sat in front of her, mocking. Although the pain in her stomach was barely noticeable under the constant throbbing that pulsed through the rest of her body, her mind, fuzzy from the drugs, would not allow her to give in and take at least that one discomfort away. She didn't deserve it, or perhaps it would betray her; add to her beauty in ways that have already caused this terrible pain. Whichever, she was determined not to indulge. Still, it sat there.
It was thick cream of mushroom soup; pepper sprinkled lightly over top and steam softly rising from the centre. Its aroma wafted into Kate's nose enticing her to consume, her stomach growled and the room spun.
The food remained in the bowl.
She knew that Lanie had put in a decent amount of effort to make something appetizing for her. When Kate wouldn't tell her what she wanted to eat she had called Castle and asked him about her favourite flavour of soup and had made it from scratch, busying herself with the meal to distract from Kate not wanting her help with anything else.
She had been at Lanie's home for almost a full day and still had not eaten anything, granted most of the time she was asleep, but she knew that Lanie was going to put her foot down soon.
The woman had been sitting in the kitchen getting some work done while waiting for her to finish her food. Kate had briefly entertained the idea of flushing it down the toilet but doubted she could make it there at all, let alone with a bowl of hot soup in her hand. Soon enough a shadow fell upon the bed and Kate looked up to see Lanie standing in the doorway. She saw the disapproving look in her friend's eyes and put up a defensive face as the woman sat on the side of the bed and picked up the spoon.
"You don't need to feed me, Lanie." Kate huffed.
"Clearly I do." She retorted, raising the spoon up to her mouth.
Kate's glare shifted from the cream of broccoli to her friend as she grabbed the spoon from her hand and choked down the liquid. Each spoonful of soup went down Kate's throat reluctantly, so it was only when there was a quiet knocking on the door that Lanie stopped hovering.
When she came back she was escorting a shy looking Alexis, flowers in one hand, small duffle bag in the other. The smile that bloomed on Kate's face as she took in the red head gave the young woman confidence and so she returned it. She walked towards the bed proudly handing Kate the large bouquet of flowers, "These are for you. They're from dad."
Kate tentatively reached for them and cradled them tenderly in her arms and, sticking her nose into the petals, inhaling the sweet scent until Lanie returned with a vase.
Taking it, she carefully guided the stems into the glass and plucked off the head of one of the daisies before placing them gently on the bedside table closest to her.
She took the daisy and spun it around in between her fingers, a soft smile playing on her lips.
"How are you feeling?" Alexis asked gently.
"Sore," Kate smiled, "But I'm happy you're here to distract me." She patted the empty space beside her in the queen sized bed, inviting the girl to sit. A huff escaped from her lips as the mattress sagged sending a shooting pain up her body. She quickly squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath before registering Alexis' worried look. She threw a pained smile on her face she reached for the remote that was just a touch too far away. Alexis came to her rescue and plucked it up, flicking to Netflix and drawing a more genuine smile to Kate's face. "What would you like to watch?" She asked Alexis.
"You choose." The girl offered.
"What about Up? You can't go wrong with Pixar." Kate suggested.
Alexis' eyes rose as she nodded, surprised at the juvenile choice.
Lanie quietly left them to their movie and returned to her makeshift desk in the living room as their eyes became fixed to the TV, the soup forgotten.
Not five minutes into the movie their eyes filled with tears as the initial love story played out. Kate reached for Alexis' hand and pulled her closer until the two sat shoulder to shoulder.
The tears dried quickly, though and didn't return for the rest of the night.
They watched movie after movie until the light had long faded, only pausing to change Kate's dressings.
Lanie found them hours later, Kate with her arm around Alexis who was cuddled into her side. She walked over and turned off the TV. Gently brushing away a wisp of hair that had fallen over Kate's bruised face she watched her girls in their peaceful sleep for a couple of moments before gathering up the forgotten soup and half eaten sandwiches she had brought in for dinner and leaving the room quietly.
FIVE DAYS
It was still dark when Alexis woke to Kate's strangled cries beside her.
"Kate?"
They grew louder and louder as Alexis tried in vain to wake her up.
Tears dripped down the woman's haunted face.
Her yells were contrasted by her lack of movement, something that registered an alarm at the back of Alexis' mind.
She shifted in Kate's embrace and stroked her face whispering, "You're safe, Kate." in soft, comforting tones.
It didn't take long before her cries woke Lanie and she came bursting into the room, eyes wide, the midnight adrenaline racking through her body.
By the time Kate's eyes focused and her brain became aware, she was drenched in sweat and her hands were clenched in fists.
She looked up to see Alexis on her right, frozen with a fearful look on her face and Lanie on her left bending down and clutching her shoulders.
A wave of claustrophobia struck her, her chest tightened, her pulse quickened. She desperately gasped out, "Space," to her onlookers which snapped them out of their dazed trance and she watched as they both lurched away from her; Alexis getting caught in the covers and Lanie falling off of the balls of her feet in their desperate attempt.
Her eyes fell shut as she concentrated on breathing and when they opened again a number of minutes later, Lanie was beside her with a glass of cold water and Alexis had disappeared into the bathroom.
Kate took the water with a grateful smile and urged Lanie to go back to bed and then called Alexis out of the bathroom with a gentle voice.
The door opened a crack and Kate had to invite her once more before it opened all the way and Alexis' form hesitantly crept out as she switched off the light.
"Can you leave the light on please?"
She watched as the light flickered on and the young woman came to a halt at the end of the bed, clearly unsure of what the protocol was.
"Come back to bed, sweetie," Kate gently hummed.
As Alexis settled on the other side of the bed, Kate noticed the girl's eyes had become red and puffy. She was saddened to see the affect her trauma was having, but could not bring herself to explain the dream, even to say that it was nothing.
As morning came around there was an unspoken agreement to ignore the nightmare.
The day continued much like the previous afternoon. Kate and Alexis watched movies while Lanie left for work with strict instructions for Kate to eat any food that Alexis gave her. Kate also watched as Alexis worked on a paper.
They went for a short walk together up to the roof of the apartment building around noon where they looked out at the city before the nipping wind drew them back inside for a warm lunch.
Kate ate without complaint but only half of what Alexis had put in front of her.
As night time came around, Alexis and Kate settled into bed together again. The light in the bathroom stayed on until morning.
FOUR DAYS
Kate's stomach was unpleasantly churning the omelette that Alexis had made. She put down her fork and stood on shaky legs to make her way from the table to the sink where she deposited her plate. She needed to get Alexis out of the apartment.
"Alexis, can you please run down to the store for me to grab Frozen? I've wanted to see it since it came out, but I haven't had time." She could tell Alexis wasn't buying her excuse, but having no reason to doubt her intentions she smiled and complied.
Kate fished in her wallet for a twenty dollar bill and handed it to the girl who tried to shrug it off. Kate forced the bill into her hand though, knowing that she was struggling with money as any other university student.
Alexis walked over to the door and slipped on her coat, boots and a thick scarf before hesitating, "If you need anything I have my phone, okay?"
Kate nodded and limped towards the door to lock it behind the girl.
When she was alone she made her way to the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. Her fingers brushed over the bruises on her face and the many small cuts over her arms and legs. She rested her hand and the hem of her shirt briefly before slowly bringing it up to expose her stomach to herself.
She judged it critically, noting the definition of muscle and small pouch of fat that she found there.
She could feel her stomach digesting the food she had eaten and placed her palm over her gut, pushing it deeper into her body.
Her fingers drifted to her red neck and feathered over it, up to her chin and rested on her bottom lip. She looked deep into her eyes, mentally battling herself before they flicked back down to her stomach that seemed to ever increase in size.
She thought about the way the men had eyed her in the street, the way they scoured her body. The cuts on her stomach were longer and deeper than anywhere else, she cursed herself for not being able to remember how they got there, but also felt gratitude towards her mind for blocking the memories.
"If only this were gone," she thought to herself, grabbing her stomach, "They wouldn't have come at me."
It was irrational, she knew, but she needed a reason, a way to protect herself.
Her fingers invaded her mouth and their nails caught on her bottom teeth and then her tongue and then Kate was walking towards the toilet.
She knelt down in front of the porcelain bowl and lifted the lid.
Each side of the toilet was grasped by her hands as she stared into the water, hating herself for what she wanted to do, daring herself to do it, and cursing herself for the cowardly thoughts.
Her fingers made the decision for her torn mind and all of a sudden she found them forced down her throat.
She heaved forward as she gagged, and sunk the two long pointers further down her throat, coughing and choking. Finally she felt her body giving in and her lunch came up in liquidly and chunky mess.
She repeated the action until the stomach acids in her stomach burned her throat and only that and water sprung from her mouth.
THREE DAYS
She had definitely lost weight and she wasn't healing as quickly she should have been for her age and fitness level.
Sleeping, which had come so easily the first couple of days, struggled to make an appearance as her body became less exhausted from fixing itself.
Walking was tough. Her body still ached and the room spun when she stood.
She had trouble concentrating on anything, conversations especially. People would be talking to her and she would get distracted by the way their hair glinted in the sunlight or her brain would send her on wild goose hunts, much like the ones she imagined Castle had to deal with on a daily basis.
That's where she was now. She and Alexis were sitting on the bed talking about one of her classes, or rather Alexis was talking at her and Kate was in a completely different universe. She was wondering how much Alexis knew about sex. Was she a virgin? Had any of her boyfriends ever pressured her into doing anything? Did she know that it was okay to say no? Boys would still love her despite it. Had she ever kissed a girl?
Her mind was jumbled with these thoughts which she had a vague feeling might be inappropriate for her spew out on the girl while education was the topic of conversation. Never the less;
"Who gave you the sex talk?" It slipped from Kate's mouth before she realized it. It took her a second of staring into Alexis' wide eyes to even realize that she had actually uttered the question out loud. The words that had been rolling off her tongue stalled as her whole body tensed. Kate and Alexis stared at each other for a lengthy second, shocked with the change of subject before Alexis' face reddened and Kate began to sputter, "I mean, sorry, obviously you dad. Sorry, I got… I was… um…"
"No one," Alexis interrupted, "Dad gave me a book, but we never really talked about it." She paused, ringing her hands together before slowly continuing, "I think he always expected mum to do it. He really just gave me the book to cover his bases. She never did though." She ducked her head, hair falling over an eye as she looked into Kate's, "I've always been his little girl, you know. He only gave it to me after I started dating Ashley." She smirked, "He was so embarrassed! He just said that if I had any questions I could talk to him."
Kate felt a bubble of laughter grow in her throat and it burst out without her consent, instantly breaking the awkward tension in the room.
"Did it hurt?" Kate's smile dropped from her face at Alexis' question, "I know for me and Pi it was painful at the start but then…" She smiled shyly, "It got good. That night, though. Did it hurt?"
Kate looked uncomfortable so Alexis quickly added, "You don't have to tell me anything. I just thought you might want to talk about it," and moved to get up.
Kate's heart pounded in her chest but she really did want to talk about it. Maybe she hadn't intended on this conversation being with Alexis, she was thinking more on the lines of a therapist, but she so desperately wanted to deepen her relationship with her and she needed to talk. She reached out and placed her hand on Alexis'.
"Yeah," she croaked and cleared her throat before continuing, "It did. You have to understand, Alexis, what … happened to me … it wasn't sex. Sex is too … wonderful to ever share a name with what those men did to me that night."
Alexis nodded but was silent. She kept her teary eyes fixed on the duvet.
"Still, I'm afraid," Kate continued, the tears that clogged her throat giving her difficulty, "That it won't be the same again, that your father and I will never be able to have kids because I won't be able to… Oh God. What if we never… He needs… What if he leaves me?" The irrational thought popped out of her mouth before she realized and Alexis looked up in surprise.
"He would never leave you, Kate."
Kate had been reduced to a blubbering mess, her words were hardly understandable as sorrow filled her, "But we need sex, we aren't us without it."
Kate looked up through blurry eyes to see a disgusted look on Alexis' face, "Um, ew!" The girl admonished. The look was one of true horror and it drew laughter again from Kate who wiped her eyes while apologising.
Their emotions were strung tightly, so soon uncontrollable laughter filled the room.
That was the moment that the phone decided to ring. All humor died from Kate's eyes as she looked at the screen which was telling her that Castle was on the other end. She stared at it for ages, feeling the vibrations ricochet through her entire body and the ringtone pierce her ears.
It was quiet for a minute before it started to ring again. She rested her finger on the lock button and hesitated, looking to Alexis for assurance but finding nothing of use in her questioning gaze. She looked back down to her phone, ignored the call, put it on sleep mode and set it beside her bed.
Silence was heavy in the room.
"I'm not ready to face him."
TWO DAYS
She was alone in the apartment again. It hadn't happened since Alexis had come home and smelled the vomit in the bathroom. Kate was still puking after each large meal, but she had Lanie and Alexis convinced otherwise.
Kate had lain in bed all day staring at the wall with fuzzy eyes. She didn't know how, but she convinced Alexis to go to school fairly easily. Alexis had left a movie playing for her, but she turned it off. It held no interest for her today. Occasionally her eyes would drift to bookshelves that lay in the corner of the room, but she couldn't muster up the effort to retrieve a book.
Her bladder was pressing, asking her to relieve herself, but still the effort would not come. It would only hurt, she told herself. She didn't care today. She didn't care about getting better. She didn't care to get back to normal. She didn't care that her teeth felt gritty and her throat was dry. Nothing mattered today.
She had waited too long, she could tell. She doubted she could make it to the bathroom in time now, but still she did not move.
She lay there for hours. Her limbs were heavy and unresponsive. Tears made the occasional appearance, but she made no move to wipe them from her cheek, so they crusted along her face.
She started as her phone began to ring on the bedside table. Her brown eyes rested on it and she counted the seconds until it stopped. She counted the seconds again until it rang again. He always rang twice. Twice a day, two times each and she had still not picked up. She should feel guilty, but she wasn't feeling anything today, so she didn't.
When the second ringing stopped she swung her legs over the side of the bed and shakily stood on them, shuffling towards the bathroom.
She was only half way there when she hissed loudly in pain as the urine began to trickle down her leg. It stung the many cuts that marred her skin. She pressed her legs together in an effort to stop the flow.
Her pee had soaked her legs by the time she made it to the toilet. She would have felt humiliated any other day, but not today.
It struck her as strange that these things weren't bothering her. She wondered if there was anything wrong with her. She hadn't vomited yet today, that was good she supposed, but she also hadn't eaten anything besides an apple at breakfast. She pulled up her damp pants and washed her hands.
Turning back to the toilet, she stuck her fingers down her throat, purely out of curiosity. She wondered if it was even possible to feel anything. Maybe that wasn't a part of her anymore. Maybe she would never feel anything again she thought, vaguely intrigued.
Her body convulsed as it brought up the stomach acids and water left in her system, but it was an out of body experience.
She left the bathroom in a trance, assuming she was going back to bed, but found herself in the kitchen instead.
Kate opened all of the cupboards and drawers, not exactly sure what she was looking for. She didn't want food. She knew that for sure.
Finally she found it. It was perfect, the black handle fit like a glove in her hand, like it belonged. She reached her finger out and slid her finger along the side before reaching the tip and pressing in. She watched curiously as blood trickled down the knife, the dark red a sharp contrast to the metal blade.
She sat on the floor of the kitchen in pajama pants soaked in pee and leaned back against the humming fridge. She placed the blade on her hand and curiously watched as it slowly opened the skin beneath it.
She placed the blade on her wrist. She didn't want to kill herself; she only wanted to see what it would look like. She knew that slicing up her forearm could be fatal, but a diagonal cut would provide her with just the pain. That is, if she could feel.
She cut, relief washed over her body as the pain registered. She was a human; she could finally feel for the first time that day.
It was unlike any hit she had ever had, that one slice was all she needed. Her vision cleared, her mind cleared. She took in everything that she was, sitting on that kitchen floor covered in her filth.
"Oh, fuck!" She exclaimed and dropped the knife like it was the devil himself. She grabbed a tea towel and pressed it against her wrist. "What did I do?" She muttered over and over again, cradling her wrist to her chest and rocking back and forth.
Another hour passed before the tidal wave of emotions succumbed enough for her to clean up her mess. She wiped down the kitchen, clearing the blood; the bathroom, banishing the smell; and herself, bandaging her wrist, changing her clothes smelling of pee and blood, and redressing her old wounds
By the time Alexis got back from her long day of classes, she had herself in front of the TV with a half empty bowl of spaghetti in front of her, not that she had eaten half a bowl, she just made it look like she had for Alexis' sake.
If Alexis noticed the new bandage, which Kate had covered with a long sleeved shirt, she didn't mention it.
They sat together for the rest of the night before they fell asleep in Kate's bed, just like they had every night since she had arrived.
ONE DAY
Kate called Lanie before the woman left from work and asked her to pick up some rum. She didn't have any intention of living out this day sober. Lanie was doubtful, but bent to her obviously strong desires despite the medication she was on.
Kate needed to drink today, so she had not taken any meds since the day before in preparation.
When Lanie arrived home she sent Alexis back to her dad's place with instructions to stay away until the morning. Kate's first swig came directly out of the bottle. She was too desperate for pain relief to even bother getting out a glass. The first burn of alcohol down her throat began to numb her body and soon everything went dark as bottle after bottle disappeared down their throats.
DAY ZERO
Kate woke up with a splitting headache and found that she was on the bathroom floor using Lanie as a pillow, the smell of bacon and eggs wafted through the door and her stomach complained loudly enough to wake the woman underneath her.
Lanie groaned, "What time is it? Damn, what day is it?"
Kate tittered before grabbing her head, "Oww, Who's making breakfast?"
The girls looked at each other guiltily and helped each other up before popping some pills, Kate's stronger than Lanie's, and stumbling into the kitchen.
"Morning!" Alexis greeted cheerily.
"Too loud, too early, Alexis," Kate huffed, rubbing her eyes, "And so not the day."
"Right," Alexis looked down and Lanie looked confused, but was still a little drunk from the night before so she let it slide.
They ate their breakfast in quiet conversation. Lanie went back to bed as soon as she was done eating, leaving the two capable women to clean up. Kate ducked into her room and brought out her phone once they had finished. She and Alexis sat across from each other, hand in hand, phone resting in the middle.
Kate checked the ringer every five minutes to make sure that it was on. Their eyes fixed to the screen as to not miss any phantom call.
When the phone finally went off the two girls jumped in their seats. It was an unknown number. Kate's hand shook as she picked up the device and slid her finger along the screen to answer the call.
"Beckett," She said firmly into the mic.
Alexis watched her face, anxiously awaiting the news.
When Kate hung up, she placed the phone on the table, her face a few shades whiter than just a couple minutes before.
"They have the DNA results back."
A/N:
Also, I promise that I'm a happy person, I just love sad stories! I think they're so poetic! Anyways, part of the reason why this took so long to get out is because I was making a plan, so now the whole story is figured out, you just have to sit back and relax! I hope you guys enjoy my perspective on how this would play out! I'll consider your suggestions for what you guys think should happen in the future, but, again, I have a plan.
I know you guys want Castle and Beckett together, but have patience. She just needs some space to breath, she has mini Castle right? That's practically the same thing. *note sarcasm
Is it bad that I'm changing the style of my writing in each chapter? Probably, but consistency is boring... actually consistency is awesome, I'm just not awesome. I so badly want to use emojis on these authors notes! Another random thought, anyone else like to try and figure out where people are from and things about them from their writing and authors notes? I do!
Random Thoughts? Angry Spouts? Suggestions?
Hit me!