A/N: So this chapter is a little bit of an emotional roller coaster, just a warning, but considering that this whole story is a bit of a roller coaster… I promise things will get better! However, it is labelled an angst story for a reason! I have taken into consideration that there always needs to be hope, as some of you have suggested, so I have tried to layer that into the story as well. I'm loving the reviews! The good ones make me write more and the bad ones make me write better (I hope), so thank you for them all!
(Also I decided that Kate loves to swear… just because I think that's something she would do in real life a lot…)
Enjoy! (or not, I'm not your mum)
"We're fucking nowhere on the fifth guy. The other four have no idea who he is. They claim he… I don't know… coerced them into doing it? The four of them are close friends and have been clean for years. They all regret it, each to their own extent. They know each other, Michael and Max confirmed that, but they all claim to not know anything about the other man. This doesn't add up. Why was he there?" Kate paced Dr. Burke's office in painful steps, gnawing absentmindedly on her thumb as she spoke to him.
"That guy, the fifth guy, I know that if we find him, the pieces of the story will fit together. Why the men broke so many years of a clean record for that low crime. But he's gone. The DNA was a bust, unless he commits any major crimes we've got nothing to go on. Rickie and Steve lawyered up immediately and the sketches that Michael and Max gave us are both very different. Different heights and ages; their descriptions are worthless and I'm useless, I don't remember a thing." Kate had given up gnawing in favour of ringing her hands, "The car they transported me in was a bust; it's Michael's and when they tried to track where it went through the city they just ended up in some old warehouse on the wrong side of the tracks. It's been abandoned for years. We think they took two cars, they can't find the other one, and two different routes which indicate premeditation – but these guys are adamant that it just happened. That's another thing, all their fingerprints are everywhere in the warehouse, all except our fifth guy's. They can only find four sets."
"It's important that you find him." Burke's statement caused Beckett's ponderings to halt. The sound of her pacing filled the room, her unsteady footsteps loud against the silence of their voices.
Kate's voice was hesitant, picking out each word as she replied, "I need to understand why he did this, this can't have just happened to me for no reason."
"Why does it need to make sense?"
Kate paused mid-step and pivoted to look at him, "I'm a homicide detective, these things matter."
"Yes, but can you tell me why?"
Kate looked carefully at Burke's face before sighing and sitting on the arm of her chair.
"I've been a mess; no work so no distractions. I've found it difficult to face him." Kate paused to look out the window, and when she didn't continue Burke prodded, "Him?"
There was another long beat and when Kate's eyes still hadn't left the window, he continued,
"Castle? Your father?"
"Ryan, Esposito, all of them. I don't understand. I lov- … trust each of them with my life. Why is it so difficult to be around them? The walls close in, my lungs constrict, my legs turn to jelly, my mind fogs until it's difficult to think of anything except for how to breathe."
"And me?"
Kate's gaze turned towards the therapist, surprised, "You?"
"You're breathing, talking with me, Kate, you're facing your fears in here with me."
"Fears?" Kate's brows furrowed in questioning, trying to catch up with his train of thought, "You mean, you think I'm afraid of them? They're male, so you think that I'm afraid of them? Of Castle, who couldn't hurt a fly? Of my father?"
"What I'm saying is women who have experienced what you have often feel emotionally overwhelmed and, like you, are frightened by-"
"Frightened?" Kate jumped to her feet at the word, "I'm not scared, I chase murders for a living."
"And still you were overpowered."
"I was outnumbered" Kate's reply was sharp as she held his gaze.
Burke stayed strong and confident, eyes never wavering as he questioned, "Why?"
"Why was I outnumbered?"
"Why do you need him? You have the other four."
Kate sighed and slumped into the large chair, threading her fingers through her hair to stall for her response.
"Justice," She whispered, "He did something bad, he needs to pay," She explained like as to a child, "He can't be allowed to do this to anyone else." She drew her hands away from her hair and fingered the hem of her shirt before slowly bringing it up to expose her sunken stomach. The dozens of small scars that had been red a week and a half ago now sat white and puckered. She then reached to her long sleeves and pulled them up to reveal angry red marks of self-hatred and numbness along her arm.
"What if you never catch him? Should your happiness depend on whether he's behind bars?"
Kate stood slowly, emotional exhaustion setting in her bones, and limped towards the mirror facing the window. She truly looked at her face for what felt like the first time since that fateful night. Her eyes sunk into her skull, one black and the other a still recovering swollen red, both yellow from exhaustion and malnutrition. Her cheekbones cut almost as sharply as her jawline across her face. She brought her right hand up to feel along her collarbone which too distinctly ran from shoulder to shoulder. Her left hand caught her right and they held each other, feeling with each hand the other's too distinct bones and blood vessels.
"You're saying I should give up, take what I can get?"
"What I am saying Kate, is that you need to start healing."
She had been standing at the door, hand poised to knock for a good thirty seconds before she mustered up the courage to put fist to timber. The noise, though created by her, was sharp enough and loud enough to make her cringe.
Her and Alexis were off to the cinemas, they both wanted to check out the new X-Men movie, neither of them wanting to admit that their attraction to Hugh Jackman was almost rivaled by the beautiful and charismatic Jennifer Lawrence.
"Please be Alexis. Please be Alexis. Please be Alexis," She whispered quietly under her breath as she bounced lightly on the balls of her feet.
Her breath was washed away when not the girl, but her father opened the door. His eyes captured hers and all her fears disintegrated.
A vague voice drifted in from the living room. Under the thundering of her heartbeat in her ears she heard, "Is that Kate?"
"Yeah," Castle breathed, not really loud enough for Alexis to hear, but he was too preoccupied by their wordless conversation to put any effort into his response.
He was as handsome as ever.
She looked like she had been to hell and back.
His eyes glowed with love and sorrow, despite the darkness that marred below them, speaking of long, sleepless nights full of worry.
Hers had trouble focusing on his; their usual spark dulled. The dramatic eyeliner she usually donned only managed to make her look more haunted.
He had a tentative whip of a smile gracing his mouth
Her bottom lip quivered slightly as she opened it.
"Hey, Castle." She whispered.
His eyes widened marginally in surprise at the delayed greeting, "Beckett." He responded in a soft tone.
Alexis soon arrived at the door beside her father, but neither of the couple took their eyes off each other, even as Alexis gave Castle a side hug and a kiss on the cheek goodbye.
Kate's eyes were finally drawn from the intoxicating blue when Alexis grabbed her hand to bring her along to the elevator. She jerked at the unexpected and unforeseen touch and pulled her hand quickly from its restraint. Kate held her hand protectively in the cave of her torso as she briefly hunched, ready to defend herself from any imminent attack before recognizing the safety of her situation.
As soon as her senses came around, she straightened, flustered, embarrassed and wanting to ignore the worried gazes of Alexis and Castle. Before she knew it she was on her tippy toes on her way to giving Castle an automatic, chaste kiss goodbye, eager to leave as quickly as possible. She realized what she was doing half way there, but the momentum she had picked up did not allow her to stop. She fell into Castle's strong arms, her tight lips pressed into his which opened slightly in shock. Tingles flew down her spine and she struggled to keep her eyes from fluttering shut.
She quickly righted herself, stumbling slightly as she caught her footing and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
The three stood there in a shocked silence before Alexis spoke up.
"Well that was unexpected," She joked awkwardly before drawing a tight lipped smile and firmly dragging Kate towards the stairs. No way were they waiting for an elevator now.
As soon as they entered the stairwell and the door had shut, Alexis spun around to look at Kate.
"What was that?" She asked excitedly.
"What was what?"
Alexis shot a look that asked Kate if she was stupid.
Kate rolled her eyes, "It was a knee jerk reaction. Come on, we're going to be late."
"No, no, no, that can't be it, we can't just leave it at that!" Alexis said excitedly.
"Yes, yes, yes, we can. I'm not talking about kissing your father with you! Sweetie, you're worse than Lanie." Kate's responded, starting down the stairs.
"Fine, well I'm telling Lanie. Oh man, she's going to have a field day about this." Alexis pulled out her phone, ready to text the revealing information when Kate whirled around and yanked the device from her fingers.
"Don't."
It was then that Alexis noticed the tears were begging to be released from Kate's eyes.
"I can't… I need to process, Alexis." Kate begged, desperately hoping that the girl would not dig any further.
Alexis hesitated, considering the situation before regretfully continuing her decent of the stairs.
Kate breathed a huge sigh of relief and slumped against the wall to gain some composure before following the young woman down.
Later that night, Kate dropped Alexis at home before stopping by the liquor store and buying two bottles of rum. By the end of the night there was no way she was going to remember her name. Or the fear that overwhelmed her when Rick's lips touched hers; how the flashback she got in that moment sent her back to the depths of that warehouse; what it felt like to have knives caress her delicate skin as they attacked her mouth with theirs. Or that face, because while remembering would allow her to eject vengeance on her assailants, not remembering was the best thing she could wish for.
So much for healing.
Maybe tomorrow.
"Castle. Castlee? Castle! Answer the doooor." Kate slurred knocking on the wood, but unlike earlier in the day, there were no nerves wracking her system. Just alcohol.
"Where are you Castle? Did you diee? Solm-," She stumbled and hiccuped, "Solmetime bad things happen. Castle! Open the door! I'm here to talk to you. I've got things I gotta say, man!"
Suddenly, the door handle became very interesting. She leaned down to get a closer look, but lost her balance. It was the moment that she fell against the door, momentarily stunned before finding immense humour in the situation, that Castle finally opened the door.
"Kate?" He croaked, wiping his eyes drowsily.
Laughing, Kate gestured to herself, "Look! I fell." Her laughing became hysteric before turning into violent sobs, "Why do bad things always happen to me? Falling sucks, Castle."
Castle offered his hand to help her up asking, "Why don't you come inside? Preferably before you wake the whole building."
"Shh Castle! People are sllll- sleep. We gotta be QUIET!" She yelled the last word and fell into another fit of laughter. Her head wavered as she focused on the hand offered to her. "What's that for?"
"I'm helping you up, Beckett." Castle explained patiently.
"I'm helping you up, Beckett," she mocked, "I'm perfff- perfectly capable of getting up on my - by myself" she grabbed onto the door handle, rested a hand on the doorframe and tried to struggle to her feet. After three attempts, she rolled onto her hands and knees and crawled into his apartment muttering something about a couch.
Castle took a deep breath and shut the door. He followed her zig zagged approach to the couch, pressing his hand into the side of her head occasionally as she bumped into various objects.
Finally making it to the couch, she placed both hands on the cushions and heaved her torso up. She shimmied so that her body was sitting semi-comfortably and patted the space next to her, "Sit nesst to me, Casstle."
He looked at her warily before walking to the kitchen to grab a large bowl and heeding to her request.
"Do you know why I'm here?" Kate looked at the man next to her with as serious an expression as a highly intoxicated person can give.
"No, Kate, I have no idea why you showed up at my apartment at three o'clock in the morning piss drunk."
"I'm here to give you whatever you want." Kate smiled drunkenly and opened her arms in invitation. "Whatevvverrr. What d'ya want from me, Castle?" She asked in as sexy a voice as she could manage.
"Nothing, I don't want anything from you my darling."
Kate rolled her eyes and stuttered, "That's not possicle. Possissle. Poss. Si. Ble. Possible." She giggled, "There's only one thing guys ever want from me." She gestured along her body.
"I love you, Castle. So you can jusst take it. I won't even bother you. I mean be a bother." She wagged her finger at him and raised her eyebrows enticingly. "I'm not even gonna scream." She smiled lazily at him and looked down at her clothes. She clumsily grabbed at the bottom her shirt and pulled it over her head as Castle looked on in horror. The action made her dizzy and she started to heave. He lunged for the bowl and shoved it in front of her face just in time to catch most of her vomit. He laid a comforting hand on her back and rubbed as she emptied the meagre contents of her stomach.
After she had finished she collapsed on Castle's shoulder, exhausted.
"Ya know, I think I might mremember him. When I kissed you earlier today I got this horrible, horrible flashback to when I was rrr…" She pushed herself off of him and curled into the corner of the couch. Castle grabbed a nearby blanket and laid it around Kate and then settled back across from her.
"I saw a face, and rec-og-nised it from somewhere. I can't hremember where, but what I do wremember is thinkin' he was hot. I aremember there was somethin' about him that was so inviting, and the way he looked at me," She began fiddling with a strand of her hair, "I could've been the sexiest woman alive." She sighed, "But later I resized… realized that it had nothin' on the way that you look at me, Richard Castle." The hair lost its appeal to his hand lying across the couch and she gently stroked his fingers sitting there. "You love me more than life itself."
"Yeah," He whispered softly, "I do."
Her eyes shut and head slumped back, but just when he was sure she had fallen asleep, she convulsed again and spewed into the already soiled bowl. She coughed and spit some residual vomit from her mouth and then laid her head back on the couch.
"I can barely do this Castle. I so desperately don't wanna disappoint you, but I am. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not enough, Castle. Not enough." Those final two words slipped out with a yawn and finally she fell asleep.
"Kate?" Castle whispered and waited for a response, but got nothing.
"You're perfect, Kate."
A/N: So when I'm reading stories on here I always try and pick out where an author is from by the words that they use. For example, Americans spell it color, the British call it rubbish, and Australians have horrible grammar (I'm sorry, I know it's not all of you, but it's true) Where do you guys think I'm from… Or do you not even care? I don't know, maybe it's just me! *Insert emoji of monkey holding hands over his eyes here*
Anyways, let me know how I'm doing! Thanks for reading!