A/N - Possible trigger warning - Self Harm

I hate that I need to post trigger warnings. Not because I don't want to warn people; I understand why reading this could be emotionally difficult, but because people need to be warned. I hate that there's a reality out there where people have been though so much shit. I wish that I could keep everyone in their own little bubble where they would be happy and healthy and no one bad would want to hurt them or make them feel worthless.

You're not worthless, you're beautiful.

Kate's head was pounding and her throat was dry. The bright, young light of sunrise cut right through her shut eyelids and pierced her brain which was working very slowly, probably a result of the brain cells she destroyed the night before. Her whole body ached, but less than it normally did, thanks to the alarmingly fluffiness of her surroundings. She was in a cocoon of warmth, softness and safety.

Kate smiled and snuggled more deeply into whatever cloud she had woken up in. What cloud was she in? Isn't she supposed to be at Lanie's apartment?

"What's the last thing you remember? Think, Kate, Think. Of course you could always just open your eyes," She thought to herself, "But the light's already hurting them, and I'm so comfortable," She debated before deciding to work it out with her eyes closed, "So, I went to the store and grabbed some Captain Morgan and then…" She huffed and threw a pillow over her eyes, "Then what? What did you do Kate?"

An alarming thought popped into her head. She sat bolt upright before cowering back into the headboard of the bed she was in.

"Kate?" Came a groggy voice beside her, "You're safe," It continued with a yawn as the owner slowly woke up. "Oh! Kate." Someone grasped at her shoulders trying to calm her down, but it was all she could do to refrain from beating them to death, so she settled for a solid knee to the groin.

"AURGG," the voice shouted in pain. That voice, there's something familiar about it, something that pulled in Kate's gut and all of her instincts told her to help it; above all else she must protect the owner of that voice.

Her dancing eyes finally stopped to truly grasp the situation in front of her. She was in the guest room of Castle's loft and there, in front of her, lay the man himself, face distorted in pain and hands clutching his crotch.

Ten minutes and dozens of apologies later found Kate and Castle sitting on the couch, Castle with an ice pack, Kate a bottle of aspirin and both very large coffees in hand.

They had been sitting in silence, watching each other over the rims of their cups when she spoke softly, "What happened?"

"When?"

Rolled her eyes but answered anyways, "Last night."

Castle mumbled nonsense into his cup and leaned over to pick up a newspaper.

Kate reached over and plucked it away from him, placing the newspaper back on the coffee table, "Please tell me."

"It won't do you any good to know, it's over Kate. Leave it be."

Kate's eyes widened, "So I did something pretty bad then?"

Castle began to study his mug like it contained the blueprints to Kate's heart

"You know you're going to tell me."

The designs were so elaborate, beautiful.

"Castle," her sharp tone made him look up in surprise, "I need to know," she took a deep breath to prepare herself, "Because I next time the bottle seems the easiest way out, I need a reason not to do it again."

"I can't, Beckett." His tone held finality

She huffed and stood. Before long they found themselves standing five feet apart, both bodies ridged with hostility. Kate needed to know – to fill in another piece of the puzzle that had become her memory and they both, for once, were hell bent on getting their way.

"You don't fucking know me, Castle! This is my life." Kate shouted and stormed angrily into the study, cup of coffee in hand.

"I do know you, and I know what's good for you. That ring on your finger, Kate? Yeah, I put it there because I love you and because I want what's best for you." Castle argued as he waddled after her, icepack held in place.

"No, you're wrong I have a right to know what happened last night," She hissed, "I don't get to get away with the things simply because I don't remember what happened. Tell. Me."

"No, I love you too much to do that to you."

"I'm a big girl, Castle, I can handle it."

"You can't. You can't handle everything by yourself, and if I tell you than you'll just leave me again."

"Oh really, you're bringing that up now? Which leaving are you talking about, Castle, because clearly I'm just too damaged for you."

"You're not too anything for me, Beckett, I'm in this and I know you are, and that means staying and working through these things together, that means you have to trust me that you don't want to know."

"I trust you with my life! Now you have to trust me with this!" Kate shouted.

"This is MY cross to bear, Katherine Beckett. Mine." Castle bellowed.

"NO!"

Castle watched as Kate drew up her hand behind her head and whipped her cup of coffee at him from across the room, barely ducking in time before it shattered behind his head. He looked at her in shock and saw the same emotion mirrored across her face.

Five Hours Later

Castle and Beckett stood in front of her apartment, hand in hand, "Well I guess this is it." Kate murmured. It was the first time she had been back there since that night and for some reason she was feeling nervous. It felt symbolically huge that she was walking in there with Castle, like she was both throwing away and gaining her independence simultaneously. There was something else that was itching at her, similar to how she felt when they were nearing the end of a case. Like she was missing one piece of the puzzle that would tie her nervousness together, make it all make sense.

Kate took a deep breath and a step forward, tugging Castle with her. The instant she entered the building the smell assaulted her nostrils. It was overwhelming and terrifying; she left her body and saw it crumple to the floor, Castle grasping at her arm so her head wouldn't hit the floor boards. In her mind's eye she exited the building and flew up into the sky. It was dark and stormy, lightning flashed all around her as she flew over the city. She didn't know where she was going; just that she didn't have a good feeling about it. She wanted to get back to Castle, where it was safe.

The smell slowly took over each sense; the familiar leftover coffee taste dissipated, Castle's firm grip on her body loosened and fell away, the loud thunder faded out to nothing, as she entered an eerily familiar warehouse it got darker and darker until even the blinding lightning did nothing to her irises and she was left alone with that horrific smell. It sharply pierced into her skull as what could be considered memories but were in actual fact only hazy figures, quiet whispers, painful pricks, metallic tastes and that strong smell.

She stayed in that haze of panic, fear and helplessness for much longer than she would have liked, and almost unbearable length of time, but as the other senses returned she guessed it had only been a couple of minutes.

She was in her bed clutching at Castle's lapels when her subdued trembling and fragile tears grew into wracking sobs, her body convulsing in pain.

Castle did what he knew from a lifetime of comforting women, he held her. Whispering nonsense sentences into her hair, each finished with loving kisses planted to the crown of her scalp.

Four hours later

It had taken ages to get Castle to leave, but she needed time to process the emotional day.

Process is probably too kind a word for what she had planned to recover. Castle had made her eat two meals that day so when Kate looked into the mirror she was horrified. That, she decided, was what she was going to deal with first. So, in a now well practiced motion, she knelt down in front of the toilet, glared at her reflection in the water, and plunged her fingers down her throat.

It was only when tears were streaming down her face, and the entire dark contents of her stomach lay wholly in the white, porcelain bowl that she let her body fall back.

She lay on the cool tile of the bathroom breathing slowly, deliberately. The cold seeped in past the thin tank top that covered her body and festered itself into her back. She shivered but the numbing cold just fit in with the her heart so she stayed there absently contemplating her next move. Trying to discourage herself but only succeeding in making the urge stronger. Her thumb brushed against the fresh scars on her wrists. She pressed her nail into a cut and felt a thrill as it stung for an instant.

She sat up slowly, blood rushing to her head, and wiped her eyes habitually. She meandered into the kitchen and found the knives on the counter; it had been a couple days since she had used a real one, since Lanie hid hers. Grabbing the biggest one she could find, she held it to her hollowed stomach marveling at the size and ferocity it had next to her pale skin. She didn't want to, honestly she didn't, but there was nothing else that cured her current state of emptiness.

The next day

Kate and Dr. Burke had been sitting in relative silence for twenty minutes. She had requested a session, but besides the one worded answers to his open ended questions, she had not said a word.

Until, "It's not enough."

"What's not enough, Kate?"

"Four out of five is not acceptable. I can't live my life knowing that he's still out there. That he could do it again to another woman, or worse, girl. What if, next time, he sees Alexis. That girl, she… and Castle would..." She trailed off, but Burke didn't push, just let her continue on her own time.

"It's not even about Alexis. It could be anyone's little girl, and it's my job as a cop to protect them, to take killers of the street."

"He's not a killer."

Kate looked up in surprise, "I know that," She replied, almost defensively, "But I have the tools, the training and the drive to take him down. I have vivid nightmares about that night, but I wake up and all I know is that I'm scared. I don't remember any useful details. You can help me with that, you can make me remember. I need your help to lock him up."

A/N: I'm so sorry that this one is serious, nothing to break up the angst but that's just how it wanted to be written.

Am I moving this story too slowly? Is there too much angst? I don't have much planned for this story besides the angst... but I could change it up a bit if that's what you guys want. Let me know and I'll see how your requests fit in the direction I want this to go!

I appreciate every one of your reviews, thank you! I'd reply, but to be honest this website confuses me to no end...

Have a great week!