Chapter 10

Kate sat curled up at the headboard of her large bed, her fluffy blankets engulfed her. The feeling of safety, of being protected by her comfortable surroundings, was intense. It was such a relief after an incredibly challenging week. Her emotional highs had felt like they would sustain her for years, her lows made her seriously consider if any of it was truly worth it. But her present emotions lay subdued as she sat there quiet and alone. Old tear tracks streaked along her face from hours ago. If anyone were there they might have thought she was asleep.

The day after telling her psychiatrist she needed to find their final guy, she had gone bowling with Alexis and nearly had a panic attack when a guy bumped into her by accident. Five minutes later she was laughing so hard there were tears streaming down her face.

Alexis had bought her a hot dog and forced her to take a bite before she went up to bowl. Kate threw it in the garbage as soon as Alexis had her back turned. The taste of hot dog lingered on her tongue for hours afterwards.

The two then headed to Central Park, a place they both usually avoided because of the tourists, for a long walk. Alexis had sat her down on a bench and disclosed the fears she had in Paris; the fears of facing the same physical assault that Kate had. Kate listened with patience, kindness and understanding but after she had dropped Alexis off at her father's she spent an hour and a half burning off her anger at the gym before falling under the knife again. She felt angry at the world that so many women faced the same fear and threat and that her failings meant that there were women out there that could have the same fate as Kate if she didn't find him.

She went home that night, careful to use the back entrance for fear of catching wiff of that smell, and set up an investigation board that she spent hours poring over.

Castle had come over the next day bringing a bowl of soup he unsuccessfully tried to get her to eat. They sat for hours in front of her nearly empty board trying to find a lead before Castle broke down beside her and disclosed his feelings of unworthiness and helplessness. "I would pay every single penny I have to bring that man to justice," he passionately declared as he looked soulfully into her eyes. Those beautiful, aged eyes which expressed so much love to her it hurt. Then she had became aware of his alluring proximity and warmth, his strong hand resting gently on her knee. Her eyes glanced to his lips, soft and inviting; there was a familiar coiling in her stomach as her hand came up and stroked his silky hair.

Kate recognised a whirlwind of emotions flicker on Castles face, surprise had dominated them all though. She had balked, guilty, as she remembered why she wasn't supposed to feel lust. She jumped up and away from him.

"Wait, Kate," he had started before she darted into her room and shut the door firmly behind her, sinking down against it.

"I'm sorry Kate, please come out," Castle had pleaded for nearly an hour before going silent and mirroring her actions against the door. Kate had not said a word. She had hardly moved since the door had shut. The guilt was eating her from the inside, out and it took all her energy to refrain from crying or grabbing the razor, which sat in the bathroom not ten feet away, and forcing herself to be distracted by a different kind of pain.

They sat there together for what seemed like ages until Castle sighed exhaustedly and clamored up to leave. He paused at the door whispering, "I love you". Kate's ears strained to hear, but they caught his declaration.

It opened the floodgates and Kate cleansed herself in all the ways she knew how; cold steel sliced into her arm pumping endorphins through her body.

She assumed she had another nightmare that night because when she woke up her sheets were tangled at her feet and sweat made her skin slick, however she had become accustomed to waking up in such a fashion.

Her and Alexis tried to have a movie day, but Kate had called it quits after the first, Tangled, which had drawn unfathomable amounts of tears for such a tame movie. They headed to the mall after, but a pet shop drew Kate inconsolable as she wept over the puppies taken too early from their mother. A stop by at Starbucks had Kate's face red with anger as she stormed out of the store after screaming at the barista for getting her order wrong. Heading to Kate's house they tried for a round of poker, but Alexis was able to read her like a book.

They stopped by Kate's doctor on their excursion. He the conclusion she would be ready for active duty in a week, adding that she should avoid any excess physical exertion and making one last appointment to remove her stitches a few days later. The news overwhelmed Kate and she cried tears of joy with a passion that neither Alexis nor the doctor was expecting.

Kate later expressed her frustrations about her whirlwind emotions to Lanie over a couple of glasses of celebratory wine. The two of them sat on the couch until the early hours in the morning talking about anything and almost everything. They passed out midtopic curled up on their respective ends of the couch.

Lanie and Kate prepared a marvellous breakfast the next morning, though Kate had mostly coffee and vomited her few bites of food later. When she got home she sat in meditation trying to retrieve her memories. She sat cross-legged and completely still; opening her mind to that painful night, but the only thing that came to her was that horrific smell which had Kate retching over the toilet at an almost daily basis now.

After that she headed to her appointment with Dr. Burke which went well, all things considered. They had decided that the best thing for her would be to go back to work on desk duty where she would be able to be in a position of purpose and control, but she would still have to see him on a regular basis as she worked out her issues. They would take things one day at a time and address any issues as they came along.

She rode an hour long high after the pleasing news but spent the rest of the day in the depths of depression.

So there she sat. Her bedding not the only thing engulfing her.

Anger was the only thing that ever blocked out the depression these days and it boiled deeply when Castle once again showed up at her doorstep bringing food and flowers.

She blew up irrationally in his face yelling, "You don't know me, Castle! You don't know what I need. I need you to leave me alone. I just need to be alone today". But as she turned away from him to storm into the living room to bask in her depression on the couch again, she left the door open to him.

"Stop following me," she huffed as he timidly crept her apartment, "you get off on it, don't you? Following me around like a love drunk puppy, you're sick. Surely you must have something better to do with your life, no point in you waiting around another four years. You've already had your fill of this, Castle," She motioned down her body, "I doubt you'll be getting action any time soon. Give it up, babe."

Castle had heard Alexis' stories of her emotional day and was unsurprised by this reaction, but he was taken aback when, after her spout, she collapsed into tears; he was wholly unaccustomed to the teary version of Kate. He made his way slowly over to her, like one might approach a skittish cat, and gently lay a hand on her heaving back. He sunk down beside her and began to whisper in her ear.

Kate's sobs slowed and stopped as she began to register what he was saying. She sniffled, wiped her nose on the back of her hand, reminding Castle of a younger Alexis, and looked questioningly at Castle.

"What's that?" She asked.

"What's what?" He returned, confused.

"What's that you were saying?"

"It's a song, I was singing you a song." He told her patiently.

"How did it go?"

He looked deep into her eyes and in a low, rumbling voice he recited, "Never let a woman go even though you know she can always be replaced, she can always be replaced. Lust only grows like anger and revenge. Beauty comes and goes but love stays until the end."

Kate began to gain her composure when she noticed she was sitting up in a mannar it bore a striking similarity to two nights ago. Castle continued.

"I wrote you a song Mississippi Isabelle; I even sent you flowers when you felt ill. You've the strength of the Greeks, you are God's masterpiece. You're every triumph, every victory; I believe in every breath you breathe."

Kate gazed at him with adoring eyes. There was pain residing deep in her soul, but those words meant everything to her. They were everything she needed to hear and everything she doubted in herself. She brought a shaky hand up to his face and smoothed her thumb across his lips shushing his perfect words. How did his words always find a ways to sooth her in the worst of times? It was uncanny. She brought her other hand up to cup his face, smoothing out his gentle wrinkles with her thumb. She slid her hands around and gently scratched at the soft hair behind his ears. His eyes fluttered shut with the sensation. His openness and trust astounded her. She searched his face for any sign of anger at her outbreak. She found none. She began to study his face with intense concentration; the curve of his lips, their colour, their texture. Okay, she began to study his lips with intense concentration. He sat there, patiently waiting, as always. A hint of a smile quirked at her mouth as she leaned forward and brushed her lips against his.

That feeling, oh that feeling; the ecstasy that rushed through her veins, the defiance against the man who had been haunting her, the love that threatened to stop her heart: it all sent her on her highest high.

Their lips danced languidly in the soft light of the room. When they stopped, her grin could have lit a thousand watt bulb. But it faded as she spoke, "I need to tell you something."

Kate said as she rolled up her sleeve.

Castle had a much more dramatic reaction to the news that Kate had been cutting herself than she would have hoped, but after Kate had threatened him with her gun, he managed to refrain from checking her into a mental institution and even from telling her doctors after she batted her round hazel eyes at him. He settled with the promise to come home with him and to spend at least the night with Alexis.

When she sauntered down to the kitchen the next morning Alexis and Castle were sitting having cups of coffee and an animated discussion about Star Wars. Their discussion stopped abruptly as she picked up a ready-made cup for herself from the bench and joined them on the couch. Alexis smiled, "You didn't have a nightmare last night. That's that first time, at least with me."

"Yeah," Kate replied, "I slept really well, thanks." Her eyes darted to catch Castle as she expressed her gratitude.

"What were you guys debating?"

A long discussion over the validity that Luke and Hans could have survived the night on the ice world of Hoth ended Kate and Castle eye to eye in mostly joking confrontation. Quickly, hostel feelings were replaced by the familiar spark of sexual tension as the memory of the night before drew a heat into their bodies.

Who knows what that moment might have led to if it weren't for their classic interruption as Alexis cleared her throat and said, "Hey guys, yup, sittin' right here."

The two became flustered and sat up straight, covering their blushes with the large coffee cups in hand.

Kate was sitting in the living room reading Jane Eyre and listening to the mostly consistent clicking of the keys on Castle's keyboard in the room next door. She was just getting to the part where Jane was leaving the orphanage when she heard the clicking stop. She looked up, patiently waiting for another stroke of inspiration to hit her fiancé, but instead heard his chair being pushed away from his desk. She sighed and feigned reading as Castle slunk out of his office and into the kitchen.

Kate watched as he flittered around aimlessly for a couple of moments before subtly heading for the slab of knifes on the kitchen counter, picked them up and hid it behind his back as he made his way back to the office. Kate put down her book and spoke, "Castle, come here."

Castle looked guilty but came as she had beckoned.

"I think," she paused, "I think you don't have to worry about that anymore." Kate said with a shy smile.

Castle cocked his head and asked, "Why?"

Kate leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss, "That's why," she whispered, "Because when I do that, it makes me feel so much better than when I do this." She guided his fingers along her wrist.

Castle searched her eyes for the truth and after a moment replied, "I believe that you believe that, but what if one day I'm not around. Or not enough."

"You will always be enough, and I will have to be strong until you come around, because this," she said, gesturing to herself again, "Is no longer an option. You helped me see that last night."

Castle still looked doubtful, so Kate gently took the knives from him and placed them on the table. She squared his shoulders against the back of the couch and straddled his lap. "I'm in control, I have this," She thought to herself as she calmed herself against the sexuality of the situation.

"You have been fixing me for years," she said, locking eyes with him, "You make me feel beautiful and intelligent. You worked harder for me than any man has before; you make me feel like I'm worth the work. Richard Alexander Castle I love you."

And then she leaned down and their lips met all unlike they had the first time or the second. They met in whole new way.

When she finally drew away they were both breathless.

"Do you believe me now, love?" Kate asked as she curled into his side.

"Mmhm," He hummed his agreement, laying a tender kiss into her hair.

It wasn't perfect. And it might not even last. But for now, it was enough.

A/N: Sorry it's been a while, I'm trying to improve for you guys. Making the story as good as I can. Hopefully I'll improve/continue to improve. Hope you like this chapter and are intrigued with where it's going.

Would love to hear your thoughts!