Chapter 5

He had paced his room all night, thinking, ripping at his hair. Struggling with his demons and angels. He needed to forgive! No, he wanted to hate! Forgiveness! Revenge! He yelled in anger and crumpled the cup in his hands viciously.

Curse the girl! For what she was doing to him. For how she made him feel. Feel! Yes, that was the problem. But he couldn't crush it down anymore. No, he just, couldn't.

When he finally thought he would go completely mad, his heart suddenly stretched out, seeking a presence. A familiar presence. One that would bring him peace. One that would bring him comfort. One that held answers. Answers! Yes, he would find her.

He fingered the amulet at his neck and wondered at himself. How could he have allowed her to worm her way into his heart? How had they bonded? He felt torn. He couldn't connect himself to that mind. That brilliant light, because of the hate he bore within his own. He would kill her with the darkness. He cringed at the thought of that precious force-signature disappearing, fading.

He sank into a chair, gripping the amulet. He couldn't tear it away, he couldn't touch it. He didn't deserve the forgiveness those milky blue eyes offered, he couldn't mar the child with his wounds and neediness. But he wanted it so much. He couldn't bear the thought of losing her, losing that forgiveness and brightness.

And for the first time, he wished he wasn't so selfish. He realized, now, that he had always been selfish. How selfish! Now, he was paying for it.

His eyes stung. How? How could he face his master, ask for forgiveness? To grant it in return? To give what he got? And how could he bear it if he was rejected?

He was now torn again. But this time, he was torn because of the two options he faced. Either be selfish and go to the girl, or be selfless and don't.

He finally opened himself to the Force, tentatively, cautiously. To the light side. For answers. He cringed at the brightness, and then reached out for answers. Go, it whispered. You must seek her.

He struggled. He was now neither light nor dark, good, nor bad. He was divided. One foot in the dark, one foot in the light. In the twilight zone. The region of grey. It would have to stay that way for now, he decided, and stood. He ignored the screams of the dark side to return, and took off for the temple.

But how would he find her? It was broad daylight. How would he see her when it was not yet night?

...

"Kiya! Kiya Jinn!" She turned at the voice of the crèche master and bowed.

"Where have you been? Your father is looking for you." She nodded wordlessly and followed the master. Her father stood in the doorway and smiled softly when he saw her. Her face lit up with a tentative smile, and she walked forwards shyly. He knelt and hugged her tightly, placing a kiss on her cheek. She smiled softly and returned it.

"I decided to stop by as I took hall patrol duty, Kiya. Are you well?" She nodded shyly and looked into the same misty blue eyes as hers. His smile was loving, and she felt content. Yes, even though he never truly opened up, she wasn't hurt. No, she knew better. Once her brother would come, they would be happy. A real family.

In the mean time, she was happy to wait, content with the loving smiles and fond kisses.

He nodded and left soon afterwards. She fingered the amulet hidden under her robe and smiled wistfully. She missed him. She went to take a nap and wait for the long-awaited evening to come, eyes flashing a bright and deep green as she lay down.

...

He donned the Jedi robes, and flipped the hood over his head, the cowl covering his face and his force-signature dampened so one could only feel the light. He wasn't worried about someone noticing his force presence, because it had changed with the partial return to the light. It would forever be different even if he fully returned to the light. He was, after all scarred by the dark.

He walked the hallways unsuspected, and made his way to the crèche. He paused in front of the door, before turning and walking to a maintenance lift. He pressed the button that led to the lower levels, and walking out, chose to sit in a spot right underneath the familiar force-presence of his little angel.

His eyes snapped back open from their previously closed state as he pondered this new thought. Yes, his little angel. His guardian angel. He felt grieved. What if she knew of all of his murders? His hands stained with innocent blood? He had nothing to justify those. Would she leave him? He realized now that she was his only sanity. She had ripped him apart, yet was the only thing holding him together. He wouldn't survive if she rejected him. She was the only thing keeping him in the light, giving him hope! How? How did she do it? How was she so- bright?

And her clever usage of the words she so held in high regard. They had brought his fears to the light, held them up, threw them into his face. And did it so that he never really realized how. He had been forced to face his worst fears, and found himself for what he was: blind. Murderer. He had murdered his master in his heart and in so doing had made his master crippled for life. He had been blind to his wrongs. Only seeing the other's wrongs.

He clenched his teeth in pain. Wrong! Murderer! Alone! The words pounded into his head and he clutched his head in pain. In his pain, e didn't even notice that the familiar force-presence above him had shifted. To the front of him. Until that small hand rested tentatively on his arm.

His head whipped up, frantic, until he saw who it was. He stared at her face for a moment, finally seeing her for the first time in a bright light other than the faint street lights. And he saw her true beauty. Bright, smooth skin. A small nose slightly pointed upwards. The beautiful long eyelashes that sweeps against her cheeks and the soft, supple, full, small, red lips that were currently frowning in concern. And as always, her hair. In the light, there was truly a halo now, crowning her golden-brown head.

He stared at her, dazed, until she spoke. "Xan?" Her voice was a concerned whisper. He just stared. Until his mouth opened. And again, he asked a question.

"Are you an angel?" She tilted her head confusedly, until she suddenly smiled.

"No. I'm a pitiful, insolent brat."

He let out a half laugh, half sob and reached out for her, his hand barely brushing her cheek before withdrawing in shame. Her face crumpled.

"No. I don't deserve it." His voice was muffled by his hands.

She flung herself into his arms, hugging him tightly. He felt her mind struggling against the shield he had put up against the bond, and he frowned.

"No, Kiya, little one. I'm too dark." She shook her head against his shoulder.

Her mind scratched like fingernails against the shield, desperately, pleadingly.

"No!" Her muffled sob made his heart break. "I want it!"

He gave in, opening the link. And shuddered as the light flooded in again. The forgiveness was blinding, scalding. And oh, the blessed love. Love!

He shook his head. "Don't." His voice was raspy. "I don't deserve it for what I've done. I'm a murderer! I killed innocents! All in cold blood. How do I survive with it? How do I move past it all?" He pulled back and shook the girl's shoulders.

"Reject me, Kiya, leave me! Don't accept me! Don't forgive me!"

He shook with sobs. He wanted to plead with her not to love him, but he couldn't. No, he couldn't let go of that one thing! Yes, he realized, she was right from the moment they met. One thing they both wanted. Each pursuing it in their own way. Precious. Too precious to receive. He couldn't take her love. But it was being given, freely! No! He wasn't worthy!

He heard her small, precious voice in his head. "Don't ask me to do that! I can't do it! Don't you see? You've solved me! You listened to your heart. That was the one way you could solve me. Nothing else would work. That was the key. The answer. I was waiting, for you! The one thing I wanted was a family. Too valuable to ask for. Nothing I could take. I needed you, because you were the brother I had always wanted. Never gotten. With you, my father would be healed. We would all be loved. Can't you see? Don't ask me to leave you! It's all I ever wanted!"

He didn't care about the tears that streamed down his cheeks. He didn't care about getting caught. He basked in his wonderment of the child. His precious angel! His hope, his salvation! He clutched the girl to him, and let their minds mingle.

The light washed away all of his anger, the darkness that had clouded him for too long. The blessed light! It flooded his mind, tried to brush away the darkness that lingered. But it still remained. That one spot. Above his Force-Signature. The dark reinforced the shields, railed in anger. She withdrew sadly.

He sighed. "Little one," his voice cracked. "It has been said that once turned, always turned."

She shook her head vehemently. "No! I know it can be done! You're my brother! It will be in time!" She stomped her foot like the child she was, and he breathed a small laugh.

"Pouty."

Her tear-streaked face cracked with a smile.

He suddenly stood. "I must leave. Before they catch me." She grasped his hand determinedly. "Then I'll go with you." He shook his head. "I don't want to get you into trouble, angel."

She smiled at the name. "Just to your speeder." He sighed. Bless the child and her stubbornness.

"As you wish."