Chapter 5

Jeff had to lean down so that his mother could properly hug him. The Tracy men weren't overly demonstrative with each other, but Ruth Tracy was never lacking with love and affection and she wasn't afraid to show it. She never left anyone in doubt about how she felt about them. Right now, her happiness at seeing her son showed by the shedding of a few tears, a lingering hug, and a kiss on the cheek. Jeff knew that she could never quite accept the risks he took as an astronaut and had been relieved when he had resigned from NASA. When he rescinded that resignation so that he could command the FLO mission, she had been against it. Even though she wasn't superstitious, she had been convinced that something would go wrong.

She had been right, Jeff thought wryly. Something went more than wrong. Still he had come back home again and that was enough for her, even if it wasn't enough for him.

"Where's Lucy?" Jeff asked when his mother let go of him.

"She's all tuckered out and was feeling poorly. I thought she should go on up to bed but she was dead set on seeing all the boys so I sent Dad to get Scott and Johnny." She looked apologetically at him, knowing where and why he had gone before coming to the house.

Jeff smiled and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek to assure her that he wasn't angry with her.

Ruth patted his arm. "You sit down now and eat. You must be hungry for some real food and we've got lots of it."

She bustled around the kitchen, setting a basket of rolls on the table as she took her place across from Grant. Scott and Virgil sat next to each other, their heads together as they whispered conspiratorially. Jeff took a seat alongside of Grant, who had John on his knee. Reluctantly, John climbed into the chair next to Jeff, looking at his father warily with his big blue eyes. Scott looked nervously at his father too then bent his head quickly when Grant said a quick prayer over the food.

The food was delicious but Jeff didn't have much of an appetite. He ate to please, rather to satisfy hunger. When lunch was over, Ruth shooed them out of the kitchen. Jeff went upstairs to check on Lucy and, finding her asleep, went outside to find his boys. He wasn't the kind to procrastinate and wanted to make amends with his oldest and youngest sons.

He found them on the lawn husking corn under the shade of the trees. Scott and Virgil worked side-by-side, tearing off layers of dark and light green leaves to reveal the fresh silver and gold kernels underneath. John ran back and forth, gathering the discarded husks and corn silk and heaping it into a messy pile.

"Mind if I help?" Jeff asked. Virgil smiled but Scott hesitated. He whispered something in Virgil's ear and Virgil nodded.

"Sure, Dad. You can help," Scott said. "We'll split it four ways then."

"Split what four ways?"

"Grandma gives us a dollar for each dozen we do," Virgil explained.

"Oh." Jeff sat down cross-legged next to Scott. He picked up an ear of corn and started working. "You boys can have my share. I'll settle for taking some canned corn back with us when we head home."

Scott and Virgil conferred again and Scott nodded. "Okay, Dad. That's fair."

They worked in silence for a long time and Jeff was at a loss of words of what to say. Johnny forgave him quickly, smiling each time Jeff loaded his arms with husks, teasing him by putting some of the corn silk on top of his head. The three year old was a child of few words, so the shy smile said all it. Scott on the other hand was a different story.

Never be afraid to say you're sorry. Lucy often said those words to him, usually when they were making up after a quarrel. He could never make her understand that it wasn't that he was afraid of saying the word. He could admit when he was wrong. It was the word itself. Sorry always sounded so trite and meaningless. To him, the word didn't convey true sincerity. Then again, it did sound sincere enough when some people said it. Like Lucy or his mother. Now, Grant...he never said sorry either. A thought occurred to Jeff as he picked some stray pieces of corn silk off an ear. Maybe Lucy was right, maybe he was afraid of saying sorry. Afraid he would sound trite and meaningless as others did, so he rarely said it. Just like his father.

"I'm sorry about earlier, Scott," he blurted out impulsively, bothered at the thought that he and Grant were alike. "I didn't know that Grandpa said you could play in there."

The boy's hand stopped as he tore open an ear of corn and he looked at his father, amazed. "It's okay, Dad. You told us lots of times not to go in there." A frown tugged at the corner's of Scott's mouth. "You shouldn't have yelled at Johnny though. He's only little and he don't know any better. He was just following me like he always does. You scared him."

Jeff felt chastised by the words. "I shouldn't have done that but you shouldn't have shouted at me either."

Scott chewed his lip. "I know. Grandpa talked to me about that before lunch. I'm not sorry I said what I did, just sorry how I said it."

Jeff held back a smile. It was probably the most convoluted apology he had ever heard but he had to admire Scott's courage for standing up for what he believed and his desire to protect his younger brother. "Well, son, if you can forgive me then I can forgive you." He held out his hand. "Do we have a deal?"

Scott slowly smiled and took his father's hand and shook it. Jeff laughed and pulled the boy into a hug. Scott returned the hug and Virgil and John, both giggling, piled on top of both of them.

For the first time since he had come back from the mission, Jeff felt a surge of happiness cut through the darkness that had taken such a hold of him. It was like a beacon of light and he grasped at it mentally. His family had always been his lifeline when troubles came and now was no exception.

I'm a lucky man, thought Jeff. Lucky to be alive and lucky to have my family. There was no doubt in his mind that he would get through this dark time. It would be difficult, but he could do it. That much he knew for certain.

The full moon hung in the night sky, impossibly huge as it rose over the horizon and cast its soft light over the corn field. After tossing and turning for a couple hours in the bed beside his wife, Jeff decided to take a walk. He loved the solitude of the night and had gone on similar night treks since he was a teenager. Since spending the afternoon with his boys, he felt a little more like himself. He felt stronger and his mind became clearer as he walked. Even the sight of the moon didn't cut as deeply. He could actually look at it without turning away and shutting himself off.

After walking a mile up the dirt road, he came back and settled down on the porch swing. He knew he should head back to bed but he still wasn't sleepy. A creak of springs from the screen door, made he look over. Lucy stepped out onto the porch with her bare feet and a silk robe wrapped around her. She looked beautiful in the moonlight and Jeff couldn't help but thinking again how lucky he was to have her in his life. He knew he was a hard man to love, but she loved him just the same.

Lucy smiled at him and motioned to the moon. "Do you two want to be alone?"

Jeff's love for space and the moon in particular was a long-standing joke between them. Jeff patted the spot next to him on the porch swing. "Nope. I'd rather spend some time with you."

Lucy sat down and together they looked at the moon. The silence was comfortable and he put his arms over her shoulders and automatically she leaned against him.

"Do you feel better?" Jeff finally asked.

Lucy looked up at him. "Do you?"

"I think so." Jeff sighed. "I'd say I'm sorry but you know how I feel about that."

"Apology accepted." Lucy took his hand, tracing his rough fingers with her soft ones. "You know, I think your parents should have called you Atlas, not Jefferson."

"Atlas? What kind of name is that for a great guy like me?" Jeff teased.

Lucy smiled and poked him in the ribs. "It's the perfect name for a guy like you...somebody who thinks he has to hold the world on his shoulders."

"I don't have to hold the world on my shoulders, just my family's well-being and the jobs I'm responsible for doing," Jeff said lightly. The moon seemed to burn even brighter as it moved across the sky.

Lucy sat up so she could look into his eyes. "I know you don't believe it, but what happened to Eric wasn't your fault."

It was like touching an open wound. Jeff gritted his teeth, trying to relax. "Everyone keeps telling me that."

"Maybe because it's true."

He shook his head. "It's not true. I am responsible for my men and the mission. I know that the reactor failure was out of my control. I know that James was out of my control too. He had been for a long time and I knew he shouldn't have been there with his lack of discipline and self-control. I shouldn't have let the fact that we were friends at one time influence my judgment about him." Jeff paused, trying to keep himself steady. "Eric shouldn't have been there either."

Lucy didn't back down. "Why? He wanted to go, and being an adult, he made his own decisions."

"He wouldn't have even gone if it weren't for me."

"Maybe but he still made his own decision. He knew the risks and he accepted them. Why can't you see that and stop blaming yourself?"

"Because I'm alive and he's not," Jeff snapped, trying to pull away from her.

"That's true," Lucy agreed. She stubbornly held onto his hand, refusing to let him go. "You're alive and Eric's not. He wouldn't want you to be blaming yourself. You know if he was here he'd give you a kick in the ass and tell you to get on with your life."

Jeff exploded. "For Christ's sake, Lucy, the dirt on his grave hasn't even settled. Do you think I'm just going to forget and move on just like that?"

"Of course not." Lucy's voice was calm. "I don't expect you to ever forget your best friend, but grieving and taking a guilt trip around the world are two different things."

"I know that." Jeff was so tense he felt like he could crack into pieces.

"And I know you, Jeff Tracy," Lucy squeezed his hand. "I know how you're taking this to heart and I know what happens when you do that. Do you know why I'm giving you a hard time?"

Jeff smiled despite himself. "Because you're a tyrant and a bully?"

"No." Lucy laughed. "Though I guess I am sometimes. " She shivered in the cool night air and pulled her robe closer around her. Automatically, Jeff put his arm around her and pulled her back to him.

"I don't want you distancing yourself from us," she continued. "Dr. Bolden thinks that..."

Jeff stiffened. "You've been talking to Dr. Bolden about me." It was an accusation rather than a question.

"Yes, she spoke to me after the funeral."

Jeff frowned. "My personal life is none of her business."

Lucy shook her head, exasperated. "You are the most defensive, stubborn man I've ever met except for your father maybe."

Jeff immediately bristled. Her words infuriated him because he knew they were true. "I'm not like him, Lucy. That's probably the worst thing you could say to me."

"That's a stupid thing to say. Your father is a good man even if he is an emotional cripple."

"I don't want to talk anymore." Jeff moved to get off the swing but she held tight to him.

"You're not retreating this time, Colonel." Lucy said firmly. "Your family needs you and I'm not going to let you go this time."

Jeff felt a desperation to escape. He hated being backed into a corner, especially by the woman he loved. She knew all his tricks, his methods of dealing with people, and his hard military exterior which usually commanded instant obedience didn't intimidate her in the least. "What do you want from me, Lucy? I've worked hard to give you and the boys everything I could. I..."

"All we want is you, Jeff." Lucy tried to meet his eyes but he looked away. "That's it. Not money, not a bigger house, not things. Just you."

He could hear her voice tremble. Lucy was always more emotional when she was pregnant and this time was no exception. He knew she was afraid he would retreat into himself, much like he did once in the past when they had first married. It was no wonder she had that fear since the situation was much the same. An unexpected loss of a family member had sent him into a tailspin. He had retreated into himself and pushed her away. As much as he loved her, he couldn't let go of the guilt and grief and it had consumed him. At his lowest point, they had separated for a while. It was only when he had found out she was pregnant with Scott that he had come to his senses and come home.

He softened. "You've got me already. You and the boys mean everything to me. I promise I'm not going to fall apart this time. I keep my promises don't I?"

"Yes. You keep your promises." Lucy nodded and rubbed her eyes with the sleeve of her robe. "But not just to me."

"What do you mean?" Jeff asked slowly. Surely, she couldn't know. He thought of Dr. Bolden suspiciously. Had she said something to Lucy?

"I know you're going." Lucy voice was soft. "You should have told me from the start."

She knows, Jeff thought bleakly. She knows that I'm going back to the Moon to finish the mission. He spoke slowly. "I would have told you sooner only I didn't want you to worry."

"If you really didn't want me to worry, you wouldn't go."

"I have to go," Jeff insisted. "The job isn't done."

Lucy shrugged his arm off of her shoulders and stood up. Her chestnut hair glowed in the moonlight and he knew by the stiff way she stood that she was finally angry with him. "Let someone else do it for once. I'm asking you not to go, Jeff. You've already given your pound of flesh to NASA. It's enough!"

"I have to go."

"You don't," Lucy said, hotly.

"Yes, I do," Jeff snapped back at her. "I have to go and I'm going no matter what. Case closed."

He could feel the waves of anger radiating from her like solar flares from the sun. That was the thing about Lucy, Jeff thought. It took a lot for her to reach the boiling point, but when she did, a volcanic eruption couldn't match the strength of her fury. She was silent for a full minute and when she finally spoke, her voice was calm and even. "Fine, Jeff. Go. But know that we won't be there when...or if you get back."

Jeff gaped at her. "You don't mean that."

"I never meant anything more in my life," Lucy said, unwavering.

Jeff couldn't believe what she was saying. He stared at her, hurt mingling with anger. "It's not fair for you to do this to me."

Lucy stomped her foot, reminding Jeff of the way Scott had reacted to him in the hangar. "Not fair? It's not fair for you to do this to us!"

"I'm not going to change my mind," Jeff insisted stubbornly.

"I know," Lucy conceded, turning away from him and heading toward the screen door. "Neither am I."

Without another word she went into the house, the screen door slamming shut.

Jeff jumped to his feet heading towards the screen door. Go after her, a desperate voice in his head said. He pushed the thought away. She was the one that wanted to leave him. He wasn't going to go begging to her, that was for sure.

He stopped, balling his fists. This wasn't how he wanted things to go. She couldn't really be serious with her threats of taking the boys...his boys and leaving him. He was doing his duty and she should understand that. It should matter to her as much as it did to him. Did she want to be married to someone who didn't stick by his commitments? A man who didn't finish what he started? Did she want their boys to have a coward for a father? She claimed to love him so much but she couldn't. Not really. Not if she was going to make him choose like this.

Angrily, he smashed his fist into one of the porch's unyielding support beams. Ignoring the pain in his hand, he jumped from the top porch step to the ground. Stalking into the darkness, his anger at the unfairness of Lucy's demand burned stronger than the pain in his heart.

When he was far away from the farmhouse, he stopped and glared at the moon. It was as if the pale orb was mocking him and at that moment, he knew he was making the right decision to go back and finish what he started. Then he could stop. Then Eric's death wouldn't be meaningless. His resolve molded into a white hot steel, forming an impenetrable barrier.

If she can't accept my decision, Jeff thought darkly. Then to hell with her.

Thank you to everyone who has written reviews. Your words of encouragement mean a great deal to me! It's going to be a few days-probably next week sometime-before I update again as I have to finish a story for a challenge and the deadline is getting closer and closer. Thanks again and keep writing!