I do not own Quilted Northern or any other toilet paper producing companies.
This Legend begins in the Kokiri forest were resides the Kokiri, a race of child like people who never grow old and are watched by the great Deku Tree. It is also home to the fairy operated toilet paper producing assembly line, Kokiri Northern. Each Kokiri is guarded by his or her own fairy. All that is except for one boy named Link…
Link tossed and turned in bed making it seem as if he were at war with the sheets. He was having a nightmare, in fact it was the same one he had every night. One would assume that one would be used to the events of a nightmare if one had that dream every night, but the incidents of this particular dream contained such unspeakable horrors, that none, not even Link could get used to them. For in this dream, Link was wearing a skirt-like article of clothing in a horrid shade of green. Not to mention that pretty much his whole outfit was this horrendous green. Now who wouldn't toss and turn from such a dream?
Link was so caught up in his nightmare that he didn't awaken when the red-haired Mido entered his home. Cautiously Mido approached Link with a fishing pole on which a paper hand drawn fairy dangled from the end. When he reached the slumbering Link, he raised the pole, and then began beating Link with it as he screeched in a high pitched voice "Link! Wake up, bitch! The Deku Tree wants to see you!"
Link was stirred from sleep to realize with revulsion as he did everyday that he was indeed wearing the dreadful outfit that haunted his dreams. After the shock of this wore off, he turned to face Mido, who still had the pole in hand just in case Link decided to fall back asleep.
"Finally you wake up." Mido said. "The Deku Tree wants to see you about something. Don't know why he'd bother to talk to you. You don't even have a fairy. You're probably not even a kokiri."
Link, who was barely able to take this information in as he was still groggy, sighed and stared jealously at Mido's shorts.
Mido turned to leave. "Pft. Why do I have to be the damn messenger boy? Ever since that whole fairy toilet paper thing started, I've been sending that stupid tree's messages everywhere in place of the fairies, and I don't even get paid. Cheap bastard." And he was gone.
Link stretched and yawned as he rose. He walked toward the door, and apparently forgot that he lived in a tree, because in the next moment he had fallen on his face at its base. He looked up rubbing his nose to see Saria looking down at him. Link put on a sheepish grin and stood.
"So you've been summoned to the Deku tree? What an honor!" she exclaimed.
Link shrugged.
"You know, I've been thinking," Saria said as she shifted a little. "You've waited long enough for a fairy, maybe you should just find one. If you visit the ones working on the toilet paper assembly line, maybe one will want to be your partner. Well, it's gotta be better than toilet paper making, right?"
Link's only response was to shrug again. It sounded reasonable enough to him. So he set out to the far end of the Kokiri forest where a large sign read "Kokiri Northern: Fairy Magic in Every Square" Beyond the sign was a line of fairies apparently knitting toilet paper.
Link carefully came towards them, unsure of how to convince one to leave the glamorous life of toilet paper knitting to be his partner.
"Who the hell are you?" asked one fairy at the sight of him.
Link froze.
"Listen." Said the fairy, "I don't care who you are, if you get me out of here, I'll guard you."
Well this was easier than Link was expecting. He nodded.
"Great! I can't stand this place; this not what I had planed to do with my life. My name's Navi by the way." She flew over Link's head.
"Good riddance, Navi." Said another fairy, "You never appreciated the fine art of making toilet paper anyway."
Navi sighed noisily. "Well, let's go before we run into anyone that might stop us." It was then she noticed an odd man walking toward Link. "Dammit, too late."
Link looked over to see a man of at least thirty and dressed like a Kokiri even though he obviously was not one. He recognized him as Tingle, the man who owned Kokiri Northern. Thinking quickly, he grabbed Navi and stuffed her down his skirt.
"What the hell!" he heard Navi yell.
"Hello." Greeted the odd man. "And what are you doing here?" A glimmer caught his eye and he looked downward. The light that surrounded Navi caused a heavenly glow to emanate from under Link's skirt. The man looked crestfallen. "Not another one..."
Link gave him a confused look.
"It's the paper." Tingle said. "Being made by fairies gives it side effects, like glowing bottoms."
Link used Tingle's misunderstanding to his advantage and nodded.
"Please don't sue!" pleaded Tingle. "You will make a fantastic Christmas decoration!"
Link pretended to look upset and crossed his arms.
"I promise to give you a life time's supply of toilet paper, if you don't sue. Please! I'm about to go bankrupt!"
Link finally shrugged and nodded.
"Thank you! Thank you so much!" cried Tingle. "Any time you're in need of toilet paper, all you have to do is ask! I am in your debt." He shook Link's hand.
After they were away from Kokiri Northern, Navi flew out from under Link's skirt gasping for breath. "Don't ever do that again!" she wheezed. "God couldn't you think of a better idea, you dumb shit! I could easily have fit under your hat, but no, you stuff me down your damn skirt!"
Link looked apologetically at her.
Mido came running up to them then. "There you are! The Deku Tree's getting impatient." He looked up to see Navi. "So you have a fairy now? Pft. Doesn't matter, I still doubt you're a Kokiri." He rolled his eyes. "Now go see the Deku Tree. I'm not gonna tell you again." He stormed off muttering about 'being tired of acting as the damn tree's bitch'.
"So the Deku Tree wants to see you, huh? Good, I've finally got something else to do then knit what will eventually wind up on someone's ass, let's go."
Link shrugged once more, and they started toward the Deku tree.