Narrator: Welcome aboard. If you're watching this video, then let me be the first to say Congratulations! You've recently joined The Doctor and this is your first official trip of being a companion.
Companion: Can I travel through space-time now?
Narrator: Oh no, you've got a lot to learn before you're ready to travel through the Time-Vortex. As you can see by these plot-arches: you have been brought on by one of the most confusing shows in television. But it didn't get that way over night, because there's 50 years of canon to catch up on. No, the story of The Doctor is the story of one man's hard work, two-hearts, sonic-screwdriver, companionship and plot-holes so big you drive a truck through them. But mostly the plot-holes. From The First Doctor:You may think that The Doctor, thief and owner of The TARDIS, has always been the time-traveling wizard he is today. And you're right! After The Time War, The Doctor stayed secluded in a deep depression that seemed endless. But then his luck changed when he acquired a new companion: Rose Tyler, and with a few minor alterations, The Ninth Doctor was born. Sounds like a lot of...
Time-agent: WIBBLY-WOBBLY!
Narrator: Sounds like a lot of...
Time-agent: WIBBLY-WOBBLY!
Narrator: Sounds like a...
Time-agent: WIBBLY-WOBBLY! WIBBLY-WOBBLY! [Cyberman 'deletes' the Time-agent]
Narrator: Sounds like a lot of wibbly-wobbly to make over a little time-travel right? haha WRONG!
The TARDIS today
To keep up with today's demanding fans, all expense has been spared to acquire all the latest achievements in special effects technology and script-writing.
Steven Moffat: This here's an advanced plot-control mechanism. Here you can see our automated money-handling system. Don't touch! These are high-quality costume devices. Rubber-foam. This here's a prototype CGI machine. You get your state-of-the-art exposition-disposal units. Now, are you gonna buy some merchandise or just sit there cause there's a sitting fee.
Narrator: All of this modernization seems a little overwhelming, doesn't it? Well luckily for you, The Doctor's fear of robot overlords keeps the balance of technology in check. But if modernization is the two hearts of Doctor Who, then companions are the kidneys and fish fingers-and custard. Let's see if you got what it takes. Hmmm, attractive, unconfident, and a smile that says, "Hello Universe! I'm ready to see the stars!" You've got the makings of a good companion! But for every good companion, there is one who is not so good. Let's see, annoying, impatient, a hormonal look in the eyes that says "I'm in love with the man that I just met". Look carefully at the "I Really Think That I'm Special Right Now!" button. There's a name for companions like this, but we'll just call her Clara.
Clara: I'm getting paid overtime for this, right Mr. Moffat?
Steven Moffat: [in his office] Sorry, can't hear you!
Narrator: Traveling.
Companion: Does this mean I get to travel through time now?
Narrator: No, you can't travel through time yet without understanding the phrase 'T.A.R.D.I.S.'
Companion: 'T.A.R.D.I.S.'?
Narrator: Once you understand T.A.R.D.I.S., you'll understand your place in space-time. But what does T.A.R.D.I.S. mean? It's actually a carefully organized code. Watch closely. 'Time And Relative Dimensions In Space'
Companion: Ah, T.A.R.D.I.S.! [smiles proudly]
Narrator: Looks like the new companion understands T.A.R.D.I.S.. Here's a typical Dalek. I wonder what he wants. Well, if we just remember T.A.R.D.I.S., we can figure it out.
Dalek: WE WOULD LIKE TO EXTERMINATE-
Narrator: Do you think he wants to exterminate: A: A sofa, B: A sonic-screwdriver, or C: All of space-time so that the Daleks are the only remaining species in existent?
Dalek: ALL OF EXISTENCE!
Narrator: Ah, T.A.R.D.I.S.! You never let us down! Now that you understand T.A.R.D.I.S., I bet you think you're ready to travel through space-time?
Companion: SPACE-TIME! [panting towards the TARDIS but once she gets too close, she gets exterminated on the screen by a Dalek]
Narrator: Ha-ha! Not so fast, Eager McHuman. We haven't even talked about: The Doctor's Rules. Every companion in the TARDIS must comply with a strict set rules guidelines eh? OK, companion, are you ready to prepare for the time-vortex? A good companion always stays in the ship when The Doctors tell them to. Be sure to ignore it later when the plot calls for you. And don't forget about the not-dying. And make sure no one else dies either. All right, let's see that death count. Now that's thorough. After seeing The Doctor die, he'll magically come back to life as a different person, so that the show never has to worry about actors getting old. Making sure he has all of his limbs, his new teeth, likes the color of his insides, and his hair is neat and not ginger, you are ready to start with a new Doctor. Now let's see how Clara deals with regeneration. [The Doctor sneezes, then turns into Capaldi. Clara is shocked and has no idea how to deal with the situation. A hallucination of Amelia Pond must take over.] Remember, no companion wants to be a Clara! Now that you've got all the rules down, I bet you think you're ready to travel through space-time?
Companion: I'm ready! [splits into two Companion's] I'm ready! [splits into more Companions] I'm ready! [splits herself into more Companion's until an army of Daleks exterminate them]
Narrator: Whoa there! We have a few more topics to cover first. The Interior Of the TARDIS. It's important to keep the TARDIS tidy and bigger on the inside. But a clean cockpit is only part of the job. To make the TARDIS actually travel, you'll need power-cells. And a good companion always keeps her power-cells well-energized. Very nice new companion, not an Eye-of Harmony out of place. Now let's see how Clara keeps teh TARDIS. Ah yes, it's on fire again.
Don't worry Clara, Ms. Tyler can cover for you. Now that your TARDIS is up and running, perhaps you think you're ready to make the jump through time. Calm down. There's plenty of time left, we are in a time-machine after all. We have to make sure you're ready for the psychological aspect of the job: Lots Of Running and Interfacing with the Antagonists:
Companion:[Runs up to antagonist] Doctor Who antagonist, will you spare my life?
Antagonist: No.
Narrator: Good job, new companion!
Companion: Can I travel through space-time now-
Narrator: Now we go from behind the scenes to the front lines, where we'll examine the most important aspect of the industry, the plot-arches. Or as we like to say, "New Who".
Martha: [stops] Who said that? Are you alien?
Narrator: Like precious, precious blood in an animal, the plot-arches is what keeps Doctor Who strong and alive.
Martha Jones: Doctor, the TARDIS is talking to me!
The Master: Are you going to do something, or just stand there
Martha Jones: Uhh... I'll go to uhh... uhh... uhh... ah...
The Master: Martha, go be stupid somewhere else.
Narrator: Ah-ah-ah, Master, remember what The Doctor says.
The Doctor: Humanity is always right!
Martha Jones: The TARDIS is right Master, you're not a very good Time-Lord.
The Master: Fine. May you please contribute to the plot.
Martha Jones: Uhh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Narrator: We'll check up on these two later. Right now, it's important that we discuss an Emergency Situation.Like the lost moon of Poosh,many consider the TARDIS to be a treasure. And as with every treasure, there's a thief ready to steal it. So it's up to you to be the watchful eyes of... What's this? It's The Doctor's rival, Davros!
Davros: Eat my dust, Doctor! Your Time-Machine is finally min!
Narrator: He's stealing the TARDIS! What are you going to do new companion? [Companion screams and runs around the TARDIS. The Doctor walks up to Davros as he is in a wheel chair an is going fairly slow]
Davros: You'll never catch me, Doctor, not after I switch into maximum overdrive! Hi-ya! [The Doctor 'sonics' the chair, and Davros stops moving] I knew I should have gotten the deadlock. Hear me Doctor! You'll take this TARDIS from me when you pry it from my cold, dead... [Companion ends up killing everyone so The Doctor doesn't have to]
Narrator: And so, another emergency is avoided, thanks to the Companion. Let's check in on The Master again. Psst, Master.
The Master: Huh?
Narrator: Just remember T.A.R.D.I.S.
The Master: Martha, if I could make a suggestion. It is a Time-Machine, you can always leave and come back before anyone misses you.
Marta Jones: Great idea, Master! One time-vortex, please.
The Master: [sighs] Will that be for the past or future?
Martha Jones:Uuuuhhhhh….
Narrator: Hang in there Master, it's all part of the job. Now that you've learned the basics of your traveling, it's time for the moment you've been waiting for. [A blue box appears travels through the Time-vortex] The Doctor's name! At the center of every great television show is the mystery that keeps the viewer's coming back. For Doctor Who, this is The Doctor's name. And now you, the humble companion off the streets of the 21stcentury of Earth, the all-too-necessary human resource that keeps The Doctor sane, will learn the sacred and dark secrets of The Doctor's life, and his very own name... [Companion gasps] the sumptuousness, lip-moistening, spine-tingling, hearts-stopping pleasure center that is The Doctor's Name! Are you ready? Are you sure? Ok! The Doctor's name is-