Crumpled Paper

"You never know when you'll need some crumpled paper."

Stan supposed he was glad he got the stupid coat. The inside flaps of it were lined with pockets he hadn't noticed at first. Jessie helped him fill them will all the things she purchased for them at the various markets on their way out of town. He rolled his eyes almost every time she showed him something new. Most were stereotypical items he'd seen pixilated a hundred times before. Glass vials filled with red liquid, health potions. Blue ones for what they'd referred to as power points as kids. Here they called it mana, which made Butters giggle. Stan didn't think that the power of farts was going to be carried over into this realm. Jessie also set them up with food that traveled well and some basic necessities like a sewing kit (the plastic case made it look like it came right off a Walgreens' shelf), water canteens, and matches. By the time they were leaving Havenfort, Stan knew he should have been weighed down more than he felt with all the things he was now lugging.

The scenery changed about three miles or so after town. It wasn't a gradual change either. One minute they're walking in a somewhat grassy landscape with just enough trees to be called a forest. The next, the earth beneath their sneakers is bare and there's not a tree in sight. There was a defined line across the ground, one side green and loose and the other compacted and cracked. The new area was more like a desert than anything else, though Stan had never seen one in person and it wasn't particularly sandy. There weren't any trees, but huge boulders instead. Splatters of black spotted the ground. It was as if something had been scorching the world.

A simple wooden bird coop had been raised in the middle of the divide. "Wait here a minute," Jessie ordered while approaching it. Before entering, she stopped at a table set up by the door. There was parchment paper and pens set on it. She got to work scribbling something out quickly, tore it off, and then slipped inside the coop. There was rustling, like the air was taking a major beating. Jessie stepped back out with a black bird. It took both of her hands to hold on to the struggling thing. Stan noticed something attached to its leg, before she released it. Its wings slapped the air as it took off.

"Don't tell me," Stan groaned. "Carrier raven?"

Jessie smirked. "I just had to write to my parents. Zaron is a three or four day journey, depending on your pace." She looked them up and down. "Maybe five days."

"Where are we going to sleep?" Butters asked. He gazed out at the barren that the path led into.

"There is one inn at the midway point. Other than that, well, I hope you like camping."

"Out in the open?" Stan asked.

"Don't worry, I know some safe spots. You two will just have to trust me." She forced out a dry laugh. "C'mon, we're not getting anywhere standing here and picking our asses."

Six monstrous beasts swooped down at from seemingly nowhere. Stan didn't know how he missed the things; there wasn't a whole lot of anything around to distract him. And they were at least five feet tall, just at about his chin when they landed in a tight group in front of them. Butters squeaked, "W-What are those?" Stan couldn't answer him. They looked like oversized bats, only their heads were wrapped in the scaly skin of a lizard. Their faces were stretched so tight that they ripped open in places, leaving wounds that allowed enflamed muscle to show. At the ends of their wings were single sickle-like claws that shined.

"This is good," Jessie said. She had a dagger in one hand and a short sword in the other. Her eyebrows furrowed and eyes narrowed as she mumbled something to herself. It looked like she was counting. "We've been calling these vultures. Easy experience. They're eager to come in for an attack but always pause when they land." True, the beasts were huddled together on their short, nearly useless, legs. "I'm going to guess that you guys haven't fought anything yet?"

"No."

Butters reached behind him with one hand and lifted up his hammer. He brought it to his side. His plump bottom lip quivered. "I never did like attacking the giant rats or dire wolves. Sure, beating on other kids was fun and all, but not animals."

"Believe it or not, but they're not just gonna stand there forever. You guys need to go for it! It's you or them." Jessie said before she was suddenly several yards behind them. Stan hadn't seen her move at all. She called, "Just do it! Your weapons are registered, so you should have some instinct on how to use them."

Although he didn't want to, Stan pulled out his sword from its sheath at his side. He couldn't pull it far enough back to leave the sheath entirely, and it ended up slipping and then clattering by his feet. The bat-like beasts were disturbed by the noise. Several hissed. One was mad enough to swing a large hooked claw at him. It moved its wing suspiciously like an arm, but it was still clumsy enough for Stan to dodge.

"Oh no no, no no no!" Butters shouted. His hammer raised over his head and he ran at the beast who attacked. With fluid movement, he brought his weapon down on its head, crushing its skull against the ground. Stan hadn't expected it to burst open like a spoiled tomato. He gagged when bits of bone and squishy matter decorated his shoes. Butters didn't even seem to register the carnage that splattered onto his face. "Leave Stan alone!" He swung at one of the hissing lizard bats, catching a wing and tearing through the tissue. It must have torn open easier than he thought it would, because Butter's war hammer kept going, pulling him along and disturbing his balance. A monster found this to be a perfect opportunity and flung its wing at the stumbling blonde.

"Watch it!" he called out. Without much thought of what he was doing, Stan raised his sword. Gripping it in both hands, he lunged forward. It pierced through the back of the beast with unexpected ease, sorta of popping through its skin. He watched, mouth gaped in horror, as his sword came out through its stomach. At least he was able to stop it before it reached Butters.

Butters regained his footing and smashed down another beast. Stan tried to keep up as his fragile warmhearted fiancé destroyed the remaining bat creatures. He was only able to strike once more. His sword pierced a body too easily. It acted sharper than it really was.

When it was over, there was a mangled pile of fresh corpses topped with indecipherable gore. It was like a pinkish redish pudding with strips of scaly skin and chips of bone. Stan didn't have time to run when he felt his stomach churn in a familiar final way. Vomit spewed out of his mouth and into the pile of dead creatures. The way it splattered with the rest of the bloody mess only made him sicker.

Jessie approached them after his stomach was empty and he was only able to get the occasional thread of saliva out with his heaving. The blonde paladin dropped his hammer and worryingly squeezed his shoulder. His throat made a croaking sound when he tried to tell Butters he was alright.

"Well, you did better than some of the people I've seen. At least you gained some experience," Jessie commented.

"You know, I do feel a lot more experienced," Butters said.

Stan straightened again. He wiped at his mouth, catching some puke on the back of his hand. It was foamy. "What does that even mean?"

Jessie shrugged.

"I don't really know Stan, but you can feel it, can't ya?"

Stan couldn't feel anything except for his gurgling stomach. And the sting in his throat. And the burn of his probably becoming infected foot. Oh, and a new soreness in his arms, most likely from wielding the medieval weaponry. Definitely not any experience or whatever it was they were talking about though.

Jessie rooted around in the carnage for a few moments before pulling out a small bag much like the one the thief had grabbed the day before. She poured some coins out into her hand and counted them. "Nineteen silver, nice," she commented and then dropped some of the currency into Butters' hand. The rest was slipped into a pouch hanging off her skirt. Stan gave her a look and, with a shrug, she said, "What? I'm taking you guys all the way to Kupa Keep free of charge."

When it began to be too dark to see a good distance up the path, Jessie led them to a particularly large boulder. It leaned to the left with a football sized chunk missing near the top. Jessie walked around to the side that was away from the road, disappearing from sight. Light flickered and the blossomed. Stan and Butters followed her and found that there had been a lantern hammered into the boulder. Jessie smirked. "Told ya I knew places to stay."

The three of them ate tough jerky in silence, save for the sound of the meat being tugged apart and then chewed. They'd fought and killed monsters twice their size, straight out of a nightmare. What could possibly pass for small talk after a day like that?

After she'd had her fill, Jessie stood and said nonchalantly, "I'm going to go find a place to take a shit. Don't you dare look."

"Of course not!" Butters promised. After she'd disappeared into the night, he turned to Stan. "This is some day, huh?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

"You looked real neat out there, fighting those monsters. Just like when we were kids!"

Stan scoffed.

"Really! You did!"

"I think you're getting this stuff more than me. I feel like a kid waving cardboard around. You're the one taking care of everything."

Butters looked away, down at the dry ground. He poked at a crack. Even in the poor lighting from the single flame, Stan could have sworn he'd seen his cheeks tinge red. "Ah gee, I dunno about that," he mumbled.

Stan would have further argued his point, but he just didn't feel like talking. He wanted to close his eyes and pretend like none of this was happening.

Jessie returned and ordered that they both had to take first watch while she slept. "No offense, but I don't trust just one of you guys to handle anything that comes this way. Nothing should. The lantern keeps most out, but still." She laid on the hard ground and faced the rock. Basically spooned it. Stan and Butters exchanged a look after her breathing became even after only a few minutes.

"Is she really asleep?" Butters asked.

Stan didn't know, but he nodded.

"So we don't even get a blanket to sleep with?"

He hadn't thought about that. "Guess not." He didn't think he'd have a problem drifting off when it was time; he was exhausted in both body and mind.

Butters and Stan moved to the very edge of the flame's reach, to where they thought that their whispering wouldn't reach Jessie's ears. Stan leaned back onto his hands, facing the sleeping woman. Butters sat on his feet in the opposite direction. His eyes constantly scanned the blackness of the night.

A few hours of nothing happening made them both looser with their watch. After discussing how they would approach Cartman and what they would do from there, they'd run out of topics pertinent to their situation. Instead, Butters rambled about the wedding they'd have when they rescued everyone and South Park was once again normal. "Do you think your dad would walk me down the aisle?" Butters asked, which made Stan laugh.

"Dude, you're not a girl. Why can't you just stand at the altar with me?"

"Well, uh, I don't really know. I just always sorta imagined myself walking up, everyone lookin' at me." He smiled and his eyes glazed for a moment. "Don't worry; I'm not gonna wear a dress or nothing." They shared in the laughter this time, and Stan found himself leaning closer in towards his fiancé when they settled down.

"I'm not sure if my dad would be cool with that or not. Probably not."

Butters opened his mouth, started a syllable, and then closed it again.

"What?" Stan asked.

"It's nothing."

"No, what?"

He chewed at his bottom lip before saying anything. He kept his gaze averted when he finally said, "Sharon was going to do it." Butters smiled, but his mouth trembled. "It was going to be real nice."

Stan straightened at the mention of his mother. He didn't mean to, but he pulled back away, leaving Butters' bubble of personal space. "You… You guys talked about that sort of thing?" Stan hadn't meant for his voice to come out in the mechanical way that it did.

"Sometimes, for fun." Butters said before he got to his feet. He leaned backwards to stretch his back and then pulled at each of his arms. "I'm gonna stretch out my legs, Stan. I'll be right back."

The thought of joining him only vaguely crossed Stan's mind.

By the time they reached the inn and Stan was finally standing in front of a real bed again, he barely knew what to do with it. The group had been walking for three days, fighting at least a dozen mobs a day, and sleeping on the ground beside various inconspicuous landmarks each night. His body felt it. Stan was starting to finally catch on to what they meant by experience though. Each time he drew his sword he was faster, less shaky. Thoughts of how stupid he must've looked came less frequently. And he was even starting to relearn some of the techniques he'd done as a kid. Except now he was actually doing them and not just playing pretend.

Stan wanted to flop onto the bed. He knew that once he made contact with it, he wouldn't be able to get back out of it again. This wouldn't be a problem, except that he was in desperate need of a bath. If his nose hadn't adjusted, then he would've been dying. He couldn't imagine how terrible they all must have smelled. He wiped the remnants of beasts off himself the best he could, but he still found dried blood time to time. He took off his helm at least and let it drop onto the bed. The mattress barely moved. Still, it'd be heavenly compared to the ground.

The inn was a lot smaller than the one back in town. The room he and Butters paid for was much bigger though. This one had an attached bathroom, complete with porcelain tub. They'd been particularly excited to see that and weren't able to keep dumb grins off their faces. He let Butters have a go at it first, mostly because he could see all the grime and guts stuck to him, which made his stomach churn worse than just feeling it dry on his own bare skin.

Stan thought about returning to the front room of the inn. Maybe he could chat up the keeper manning the battered desk some. He'd expected to see a familiar face when they first pushed through the door. He'd been disappointed when his eyes landed on the elderly stranger.

"Hey Stan," Butters called from behind the closed door of the bathroom. "Can you help me for a minute?" Well, at least that solved his problem of what to do.

Butters was hunched in the middle of the bathtub, water filled as high as it could without spilling over. The water was muddied enough to censor his naked body. "Sup?" Stan asked, closing the door behind him for whatever reason.

"Can you help me with my back? I think some stuff got down my armor?"

Stan crossed to him and gingerly lowered himself onto the side of the tub. Sure enough, Butter's milky back had carmine streaks running down from his neck. He winced as he brought a hand into the disgusting water. He cupped some up, pushing out the mental image of the particles suspended in it. Stan brought the lukewarm water to Butters' back and let it pour down. He did this several more times and then rubbed at his smooth skin with his awkward hands. Butters all but purred as he scrubbed at the crusted substance. Once upon a time, this would have turned him on. He would have scrapped his own clothes and dove in with the blonde. No dirty of water could have hasted his teenaged horniness. Now, however, Butters moans and sighs only made Stan feel guilty. As soon as he cleaned his back, he left the room, closing the door again.

When it was his own turn to bathe, Butters gathered his clothes as he peeled them off. The blonde made no attempt to hide his stares at Stan's body, but didn't say anything. "I'm going to try to wash these some," he explained after Stan was nipple deep in a bath of clear water. "I thought Jessie said something about cleaning her clothes out back."

"Kay," Stan mumbled as he watched his bath grow dark. He would have killed for a shower.

Butters wasn't back when Stan decided he could no longer stand sitting in the tub of filth. He dried himself off and then collapsed naked onto the bed. He buried his face into a lumpy pillow. Feathers pricked his eyelids, but he didn't care. He was asleep in a matter of minutes, never registering when Butters finally joined him.

They didn't encounter the hell storms of raining fire and lightning until the fifth day of their journey to Zaron. They'd already been walking an hour or so when a flash erupted, momentarily blinding him. One hand instinctively shot to his eyes while the other flailed around until it grabbed onto Butters. His eyes had just began to adjust when a roar erupted from the sky and he watched helplessly as a crackling ball of fire fell towards the ground just yards away from where they stood. When it hit the dry land, it flared before disappearing completely. "Oh fucking great! This, really?" Jessie shouted over a startling crack. She gripped each of their arms roughly and began to run, pulling the two stumbling men behind her. Stan barely caught the terrifying sight of a blob of electricity plunging down at them before it hit the ground and exploded into a burning white glare. It landed where they'd been standing only seconds before.

"What is this?" Butters yelled as they continued their struggle to keep up with the woman.

"Just run!"

Stan was forced to run after Jessie past the point of his lungs burning like the falling fire that chased them. Each deafening boom that marked the creation of a new elemental ball made him suck in a gasp, further paining his chest. Stan was now openly limping, trying desperately to stay with the scout while keeping an eye towards Butters.

They ran until they got to a tree, the first real thriving tree they'd seen since embarking on their journey through the desert landscape. It was huge, trunk thicker an SUV. The roots that stemmed out from it raised higher than his ankle. Once they were under the umbrella of its khaki canopy, they were finally allowed to stop. Stan gracelessly stumbled and dove face first into the ground. His gasping for breath drowned out the noises of the fire and lightening for a few moments. Butters dropped onto his ass beside him, breathing heavy as well.

When he felt less like he was dying, Stan flopped around onto his back. He stared up at the leaves of the tree. Its branches twisted and knotted high above them, bark drier than the land. He could see a flash but it wasn't blinding. It fell far enough away from them to be harmless, as did the fire that followed.

A whacking sound accompanied by enough swearing to make a sailor blush made both the boys look behind them. Jessie was madly slashing at the tree with her short sword, seeming not the feel the vibrations they could see traveling up through her arms. "Motherfucker! You are not pulling this fucking shit on me again!" she screamed. It was the first coherent statement Stan could make out while curls of bark flew. An especially violent swing made the weapon leave her hands and sail a few feet away. Jessie then took to kicking the tree's trunk until her movements slowed. Butters flinched when she turned away from the tree and approached them. She sat behind them, folding her legs Indian style. "Sorry," she grumbled.

"What the hell is this?" Stan asked.

"The fucking grand wizard. All hail the swine!"

"Fatass is doing all this?" he mused. He'd thought maybe that Cartman would have some kind of real magic in this jacked up place. He never believed it could be this powerful though.

"Yes." Jessie scowled. "This is sustained magic. It's like an AoE in a game; he can't really control it other than raining it down over a certain area. Makes him weak to a prolonged fight. Remember that if you ever get the chance to kick his ass." She returned to her feet and retrieved her sword. "Just stay under the tree; this is the safe zone." She did not rejoin them, instead taking a spot on the ground on the other side of the shade.

The sun had traced a third of the way across the sky while they waited under the tree. Jessie still kept away from them. Stan could tell that Butters was growing as restless as he felt by the way the blonde began to tap his knuckles together.

Stan didn't notice that the unnatural storm had let out at first. In fact, he didn't realize it was over until he heard a familiar voice triumphantly called out, "Look what we have here!"

Jessie shot to her feet. "I want my pay!" she screeched at him. Her stance mimicked that of a rapid dog.

"You know the rules: only people who complete a contract get paid. You did not bring the prisoners to the keep, so you don't get paid."

"You fucking cheated!"

"Nuh-uh!"

Stan was just starting to get to his feet when he caught someone moving past him out of the corner of his eye. He blinked in confusion. "Sorry about this," a monotonous voice said from behind him. He never got the chance to fully stand before something heavy crashed into the back of his head. He lost consciousness by the time his body bounced onto the ground.

Note: I don't think I mentioned this, but I've just been naming the chapters after junk items in the game. Makes them easier to find in my document folder, and it's more fun for me than just numbering them.

Also, thanks to anyone reading this. :) I wasn't too thrilled with this chapter, but I'm hoping the next one is where things'll start to get going.