Title: May you Live in Interesting Times
Author: Aoichibi
Beta: xl3utterflyx (revised by CrownsofLaurels)
Disclaimer: I do not own any Naruto copyrights. (;.;)
Summary: Life as a ninja should be full of awesome kill-you-with-a-touch jutsu, powerful friends, and awe inspiring battles where the good guys always win, right? Wrong! It has a deceased mother, suicidal father, a rule obsessed bastard of a brother and the war looming over our heads is not helping matters. Survival is the key. Self-Insert.
- Go read - 'Hacia el sol' by lucife56 (Very nice) and 'Cleaning no Jutsu' by Erisah Mae (It's not of the 'dropped/ born into Naruto-verse style, but is a good O.C read, none the less.)
Author's Notes: Once more THANK YOU everybody who reviewed and those who sent their love through favorites and followings. ChibiKisses to all.
Edited in: 12/10/14
Don't forget to vote in the poll.
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May you Live in Interesting Times
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Chapter 03:
A Hatake life III
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One of the reasons why I think no one actually remembers their early childhood is because of all the successive traumatic episodes.
As if being born isn't stressful enough, you then have to learn how to get all five senses to work right all over again, understand the crazy language in which people are cooing at you (which doesn't make it easier, trying to decipher baby-talk from real talk). After all that, you have to come to terms with the fact that your insane parents/siblings basically have complete control over your life, your body, whether you are fed or hungry, clean or dirty, entertained or bored. And just when you think that the worst is finally over, they come.
Teeth.
It starts with a simple itch that comes and goes without much fuss, but it gets worse.
Way worse.
Forget dying, being reborn, breast feeding, genius unsupervised toddler brothers who are actually encouraged to handle pointy, sharp objects, crazy fathers and insane alternate realities. Teething is the worst thing in the freaking universe!
It aches.
It itches.
It hurts.
I couldn't scratch with my hands because the itch was inside the damn gums. The only thing that helped a little was if I bit down onto something, and those rubber toy kunais were my victims. I bit onto them so hard and so frequently that after two days I had a little trickle of blood running down my chin.
I was that desperate.
It was driving me bloody insane! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, everything hurt, I had a headache the size of the Hokage mountain and I couldn't do anything because the damned thing wouldn't leave me alone for a single minute!
As I had nothing to make it stop, the next 'logical' step was to, well, cry.
And cry I did.
Boy, did I cry.
By the end of the week our whole household of three had dark bags under their eyes and father had enough. Looking at my miserable face he nodded to himself and went out, whether it was to bring in reinforcement or the assassination squad I didn't quite care.
'Reinforcements' came after an hour, in the form of a big breasted, blond haired, bad tempered, brown eyed woman that barged into the house, slamming the front door open and calling out:
"SAKUMO! Where the heck are you? If you got yourself impaled by something again I swear I'm throwing you in the lake!"
Lovely woman.
"Good morning to you too, Tsunade," Father said, wearily, as he came in from the door that lead to our back yard.
A shiver ran down my spine at that name. It was not incentive to let go of my chew toy either.
"Huum," said the woman, looking him over critically, "You don't look impaled to me."
"Nope," father smiled, unrepentant.
"Then why did you send that infernal summon of yours to get me?"
Father twitched, "It's my kid, you see," he trailed off, shrugging helplessly.
"Kakashi? What is wrong with the little brat?"
Father blinked in surprise, "Err… there is nothing wrong with your godson. It's Mitsuki-chan actually, she—"
Say what? Wait stop, back track. What did you just say that made this woman turn into this most interesting shade of red? Translate that for me. In English please.
"Mitsuki?" came the deadly whisper.
I thought this was a good point to introduce myself, she wouldn't hurt a kid would she, and gurgled from my spot on the floor, toy still clenched tightly between my gums.
She turned and looked at me for a few seconds with a disturbed expression.
"Oh my God, it's multiplying."
I don't quite understand but I felt like I should be offended.
"Oi, I heard that! Anyways I heard that you were finally in town and-"
"Wait, stop. Let me get this straight." Tsunade cut my father off impatiently and narrowed her eyes at him. "You had another kid and you didn't have the decency to tell me? Who did the birth? Have you told Jiraiya? Your students? Hell Sakumo, anyone?" She folded her arms over her chest. "What did you do?" That last word rolled out of her mouth like a growl.
"I told Koharu-sensei and Dan knew as well!" said my father defensively.
Who? I'd never heard those names before; they did spark something in my head tough, but with the throbbing pain in my jaw foremost on my mind, forcing my head to remember someone was the least thing I wanted to do.
Tsunade had a deadpan expression. "That explains why you got leave for this long. Dan and I will be having a conversation about why you don't hide pregnancies from one's medic-nin fiancé, especially if that fiancé was friends with the pregnant one in question."
"Well, you see," said my father, stumbling to explain, "We had just finally finished the last of the war with Kiri when she got pregnant and I made a big name for myself in that war." He made a pained face, "and now they tell me that it was puppeteers in the ambush who got Naomi," Sakumo wrung his hands anxiously, "I don't know, she is just so fragile, so small and I…" Dad trailed off, making a few hopeless gestures with his hands in my general direction.
Could they stop talking already? Hello! Hurt person here!
Tsunade sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Kami save me from paranoid shinobi."
"It's not paranoia if they are out to get you!" Insisted Dad defiantly.
"Be quiet, you!" she snapped at my father and turned to me, looking straight into my eyes. I held her gaze, her own eyes softening as she smiled and picked me up, perching me on her hip. "What's the problem, kid?"
Was I supposed to understand that? Truly? I gurgled again just to be on the safe side.
With a movement that I couldn't quite follow, she pulled the toy out of my mouth, threw it aside and held my mouth open with the same hand.
Da fuck?
"She has been crying nonstop since two days ago and won't let go of that toy." Dad passed a hand through his long hair in frustration, "Kakashi never did that, I don't know what to do."
"Hhmm, she's teething. Her gums are really inflamed but it's nothing serious."
She stuck a glowing green finger into my mouth. I had half a mind to bite it but I was too stunned with the cooling, soothing feeling of the green glow that struck me.
I yawned.
"She is just having a stronger reaction than most kids, it will pass."
Father sighed in relief.
The pain had finally stopped and I was suddenly very sleepy. I laid my head down on that soft cushy chest; she smelled nice.
"Where is her room? Let's put her to bed and then you and I are going to have a little talk."
Stop talking already damn it. I want to sleep!
-XXX-
The sky was blue with fluffy white clouds, the sun was shining extra bright, the birds singing, a nice cool breeze was passing through the small window ruffling my straight hair…
My very silver hair.
My very thin, straight, silver hair.
But, my hair stood STRAIGHT UP! And in every direction known to man but down.
Oh Gods, why? Why? I was being a good girl, I was learning my letters and doing my numbers, heck I was even eating that green vegetable mushy mix (ew) that Sakumo got into his head was healthy for kids (die Tsunade, die a painful death) and at least Kakashi was suffering from that as well- so why? Why was I being punished with this atrocious hair?
As if that was not enough, Sakumo had to be passing down the hallway and saw the 'bathroom' (Frankly I wouldn't call that a bathroom, as it didn't have a toilet; more like an inverted lavabo, with an old fashioned huge wooden bath and a sink, the toilets were outside, so lovely) door open. He came to check what was going on and found me on top of Kakashi's bright red and yellow little kid's stool, glaring at my reflection in the mirror.
"Is there something wrong my little Tanpopo?"
"No, tou-tan," I grumbled.
Then it occurred to me. "Wha'a 'anpo'o?"
"Ah, it's a... Flower, I suppose…Well it's better if I show you; we should have a couple of them outside."
He then picked me up and went down stairs, passing through the living room and going out toward our back yard, putting me down on the polished wooden floor of the Japanese styled veranda.
The Hatake house had two floors and was long rather than wide with various rooms, narrow hallways and high celling's. It was very clean and brightly lit, which made me wonder who the heck cleaned this house, 'cause in all of these months I haven't seen a soul cleaning those floor boards, and there was a shit load of them. The tatami mats, low tables, paper sliding doors and the earthly oriented color scheme gave an old, ancestral, feel to it.
I liked it. I liked it a lot. The feeling of belonging to generations of people that lived in this very house warmed my heart. 'Before' I lived in a small, rented, two bedroom apartment in a busy, overpopulated city, so this whole lineage thing was a novelty that I much appreciated.
Dad walked down the three little steps that separated the house from the lush green grass that covered a good part of the Hatake back grounds. He continued walking, passing by the training posts and over the small bridge that crossed the koi pound; I lost him from my line of sight when he went around the small dojo. Minutes passed, and by then I had lay down on my stomach, legs spread in a split, arms under me, (the wonders of being young; toddlers don't have bones… we are made of rubber) the picture of boredom.
I was starting to get impatient when I heard …
"Aha!"
He came back faster, one hand behind his back, hiding something. I got myself out of that position and sat down like a normal person.
Kneeling in front of me, Sakumo smiled.
"Well, this is a tanpopo," He showed me his hidden arm and in his hand there was...
A dandelion.
A bloody damned dandelion!
And to add insult to the injury, he pointed to the flower saying: "This is a Tanpopo," then pointed to my hair, "Looks like a tanpopo," and then he poked me in the belly making me involuntarily squeal. "Tanpopo-chan," he said with a big, innocently pleased smile.
"You know. If it had of been me who named you - like I did your brother - instead of your mother, that would be your name. Hatake Tanpopo has a nice ring to it, no?"
My eyebrow twitched, my mouth hit the ground. It was official, my father was bloody insane, but before I could have any other reaction Kakashi called him from upstairs. Giving me the flower Sakumo went to see what my brother wanted.
Hatake Tanpopo… like 'dandelion of the farm land'…
Un-fucking-believable.
Yeah, needless to say, that the menace that I called dad was a constant victim of food projectiles that had suddenly acquired a thing for his face.
I made sure to send a big prayer up to 'mother', thanking her for having the sense to name her baby girl after the moon and not some dastardly little weed like flower.
Brother, I feel sorry for you, seriously, very sorry.*
-XXX-
Konoha's climate was very comfortable for most of the year, not too cold but not too hot either. But as winter arrived, there was no snow this year quite yet, just a sudden drop of temperature and freezing rain which came out of nowhere.
And when things got cold in this village, all of its inhabitants were of one mind: 'To the bath houses!' It wouldn't be a problem for any other eighteen month old little toddler, but for me…
It was, in one word, traumatizing.
Dad carried me propped on one hip and a very grumpy Kakashi, stuck under his other arm, poor kid. It was the first time that I had set foot (a proverbial one, as Sakumo wouldn't let me down) out of our house. We lived at the far left end of the village, close to the enormous walls and the Hokage monument, surrounded by trees and old clan houses, so I was very amazed with all the sights. Konoha is an odd place alright.
The quite tall, brightly painted buildings looked like they were made out of wood; streets with no pavement whatsoever, but the stores had electricity, and there were thick energy cables circling the buildings like they were part of the decoration.
Everything was, to put it in one word: odd. Market stalls were filled with colorful kimono-clad people buying and selling things. The air was permeated with interesting new smells, so many different scents that I was almost dizzy, some good, some bad, (was that horse manure? Ew!). But, I could smell not trace of pollution what so ever.
My eyes curiously took in my surroundings, noting the odd ninja perched on a roof talking to others on neighboring rooftops. Back home, something like that would have prompted a person to start calling the rescue department or something. But now, in this new life, this was normal.
As we didn't go very far the walk should have only taken ten minutes at most with dad long legs, but I hadn't accounted for my father's popularity. It was like I was in the arms of a huge celebrity like Madonna, Lady Gaga, one of the boys from that 'one direction' band from 'before'. Everyone shouted their hellos or came to talk to father. If they came closer, they would first notice Kakashi and then start to babble on about how big and how much like his father he was becoming and what not. And then they saw me. I have never had my cheeks pinched so much in my life. I swear that they felt as if they would fall off my face.
I sent dad a mutinous look and he could only make a sheepish face and say: "Sorry pup, we are almost there." And I could only thank the Gods that I had a genius for a brother when Kakashi came up with a solution after the nth grandma came to babe us. "Imotou they would bother us less if you pretend to be asleep."
So with my eyes closed and face hidden by Dad's neck, I did not see where we were going nor did I see the big plaque announcing the name and function of that particular establishment.
I only snapped my eyes open when dad seated me on a wooden bench inside what seemed like a locker room and began to take off the little, blue, winter kimono that he had dressed me in, leaving me only in the small shorts (No sir! No more diapers for this baby! I got myself potty trained as fast as I could. Still need someone to clean up my butt thou. Urgh) that I had on underneath it. I was quite dumbfounded by his actions. Kakashi was already naked, but my eyes almost popped out of my head when dad started to take of his clothes -niiiice stomach there dad- Oh Gods! Someone please kill me now! I so did not need to see that.
If I didn't know it already, I could now be quite sure that his silver coloring was natural.
But, Damn.
That was when I noticed the scars, there were a whole lot of them, a whole shit load of them, from big to small in all different depths and lengths, but three in particular got my attention: a big one on his left shoulder made me think that someone thrust a roundish weapon through him. I shuddered; a big, old, burn mark on his right thigh made me wince. Whoever said that scars were pretty has not seen that one; and the other, thinner one –thank you God- that almost divided him in a half, went from one side of his waist to the other. Someone had probably tried to gut him.
Someone tried to gut him.
I paled.
Shit.
We ended up not staying too long; I was so out of it (had I become so comfortable that I had forgotten where I was?) that Dad thought the too-hot water was causing me some trouble. Kakashi on other hand had quite a fun time splashing about in spite of his earlier protests about losing training time. He should take a break already. That many hours of log punching and kicking should not be healthy to a three (almost four!) year old.
Obsessed kid.
-XXX-
As weeks passed, I could safely walk without having to stop to rest every ten steps or so. Dad thought it was time for my lazy and comfortable days come to an end.
Whee, so excited, not.
He picked me up from my room and went to Kakashi's, which was across from mine, (Dad's was in the middle, at the end of the hallway) put the poor kid under his arm, again, and went on his merry way to the dojo, all the while ignoring brother's protests and whining. Kakashi maintained that he was big enough and knew how to walk so would father please put him down now. When that didn't work he started to wriggle like a worm to try and get free.
That didn't work either.
Dad's got a good grip.
It was the first time I had been in the dojo. I knew it existed but had never set a foot inside it.
The dojo was a small building made of wood with a tall roof. Unlike the house, there were no tatami mats to speak of and two of its' sides were made of rice paper that pictured, in soft colors, a farm land (surprise! not). In front of me was a wooden wall that was the home of two unrolled scrolls, which had something written on them that I could not understand. I still couldn't read. Near those scrolls were a double set of what I remember to be daishos, which consisted of three swords. The one at the bottom was a katana (the longest one), in the middle we have the wakizashi and on top there was the tanto (the smallest sword of the three). The joys of being a geek and an information hoarder I suppose. The set on the left side had dark colored scabbards and the right one had light colored ones. The last set was also missing the top sword.
Father's tanto.
Both sets of daichos and scrolls framed a silver statue of a wolf (it could be a dog also, there was no way of knowing) with details like wings on its front paws and shoulders. The wolf-dog's ears' were raised at attention, like it was hearing something. On its forehead was a blue symbol of a circle with four, kunai like, spikes facing outwards in a 'X' formation and on the wolfs back was a big, 'floating', disk that was emitting lightning, the same lightning that was coming out of three of its paws that touched and crawled all over the wooden support and also made some short of thick, spiked collar around its neck. The remaining front paw was a bit raised as if the wolf was walking. Its head was facing us with a serious expression.
It reminded me, uncannily, of that game 'Okami,' how odd.
Kakashi was unceremoniously dumped on the dojo floor in front of an odd smelling (not bad, just odd) folded piece of cloth. Father set me delicately on my feet.
"Hey! What's with the preferential treatment?"
"Well, you are all grown up and so big that I don't need to baby you anymore, no?"
"Humpf." Poor Kakashi had such an annoyed look on his chubby face that I could only laugh.
I turned around to see if there was something else on the wall behind me and gasped.
On that wall were a lot of pictures painted on the wood. Human images in various positions; crouching, jumping, in fighting stances, even one with its back to us… with, bright red, targets in every vital or potentially fatal point.
Six perfect faceless human like targets.
Oh Gods.
I fell down on my butt.
"Dad, show Mitsuki what you can do! Show her!"
I turned my head to face my brother's direction. He had an excited look in his eyes and was almost bouncing in place.
"Hhhmmm, let's see what I can do," My father said while softly rubbing his chin.
I stared, what?
Thump… thump, thump thump thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump.
Kakashi clapped. I turned and counted, twelve kunai, all embedded in vital points of the six different paintings; perfect bull's-eyes, two per image. Six 'dead' targets.
I didn't even see him move and I was looking at him!
"My turn!"
"Only one Kakashi, we have work to do."
What?
"Okay."
I looked once more at my almost four year old brother. He adjusted himself and picked something out of a small pouch on his back, that he took to wearing for a bit more than a month now, and threw.
Thump.
Bull's-eye.
Kunai straight to the heart of the target.
Good God.
"Ne Mitsuki-chan, do you want to try?" Kakashi said looking at me with eager eyes; I looked at Sakumo to see him expectantly looking right back at me.
Did I even have a choice?
"I-I dun'nu how," I stammered out nervously.
"Well, that can be quite easily corrected," father said in that deep voice of his while crouching near me. "Give me one of yours Kakashi," brother passed over a wooden kunai to dad who showed me the correct grip and then the weapon was passed to me.
When one thinks 'wooden kunai' you pass it off as harmless as it didn't have any kind of sharp edges, a child plaything, but you forget the tip. The roundish tip was thin enough to penetrate and stick to a wall when enough force was applied. Just imagining what that thing could do to human skin made cold sweat break out on my back.
Father adjusted my grip.
"Kakashi, why don't you show her the correct first stance?"
The little boy promptly positioned himself all the while telling me to put my leg this way, bend my knees like that; your wrist should rotate like this. I mimicked him.
A three years and eleven months old little boy was teaching and almost one year and eight months old little girl how to throw a potentially lethal weapon and father was smiling with pride.
Someone please wake me up.
"Now just choose a target!" brother said waiting.
I swallowed dryly.
Without thinking too much I chose the belly and my chubby little arm shot forward and released the 'toy'.
Thump.
Not a bull's eye or anything but I had hit the target. The utmost corner of the outermost red circle, but I had hit it.
I had just killed a hypothetical person.
"Nice hit little one," father praised me, his hand on my head.
"You did it!" Kakashi shouted in glee while father picked me up and threw me in the air.
I had just lethally stabbed at a hypothetical person, and would have to do that for real in a few years' time, a person.
I think I am going to be sick.
"Well, playtime is over. Today we are cleaning the dojo."
Playtime?
"Again? Dad we did it last week!"
Ah! That answered my questions about this place's top cleanliness, slave labor in the form of the guy's kid, or kids, seeing as I was here too.
"Yes, but today is special as it is the first time Tanpopo-chan is joining us."
There goes my freedom, is it too late to run?
"… Tanpopo?" Kakashi looked at me, his eyes trailing up to my, shorter than his, puffy looking hair. He snorted and then fell down laughing his face off and kicking his legs in the air, amused.
"Shadup!" I whined, even though I was grateful to have something to keep my focus off the seriousness of what had just happened and the implications that were swarming my mind.
"Ahhahaha, Tanpopo, hahahaha."
Son of a dog, this meant war! I was not going to let a three year old laugh in my face. Genius or not, I still had my pride damn it! As battered as the poor thing was.
"Shut up Baka-kashi!"
Yeah, not one for the gallery of best insults. But it would do.
He stopped and just looked at me, mouth falling open, aghast. Dad looked as if he couldn't decide whether to be amused or horrified.
"Well, that was certainly creative. But, little one, where did you hear the word baka?"
I lost no time in pointing to Kakashi, even if the kid was innocent this time.
"Oy, I did not–" Father didn't let him finish.
"Since Kakashi-kun, in all his grown up wisdom, saw fit to teach you that nice word he can have half of the dojo all to himself." His eyes curled in a creepy, uoside down 'U', smile. I could hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice.
"Unfair!"
Revenge how I adore thee.
"Before we begin cleaning we need to stretch our muscles. Never do any kind of heavy training without stretching or warming up first." He said that to me with a serious face that meant business.
Because of course his 18 month old child could understand what he was talking about and remember the advice.
I nodded and mimicked his movements.
Denial how I love thee.
I did not sleep that night.
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To be continued…
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A/N: So things are starting to pick up, next chap is probably the last with such light humor 'cause Kakashi gets into the academy at four and the shit hits the fan before he is a Gennin… sooooo, Any thoughts you guys want to share?
*For those that don't know or just weren't interested in the small trivia details 'Kakashi' means scarecrow so his full name would be something like 'Scarecrow of the farmland'… Sakumo naming sense is just terrible.