Part III: Phoenix

NEW YORK CITY, 2012

Leonardo sighed in frustration.

He simply couldn't sleep tonight. He could hear Mikey's snores echoing down the hallway – clearly, Mikey had had no problem forgetting about the day's events long enough to fall asleep. Fleetingly, Leo wished that he could have even a fraction of Mikey's carefree spirit.

But he was the leader. He didn't get to be carefree. His whole purpose was to be the one that did care, that stayed focused, that made sure his team made it through safely every time.

His team. Were Raph and Donnie struggling to sleep too? Maybe if he checked on them, saw that they were okay, he would be able to find some rest for himself. Not bothering to tie on his mask, kneepads, or wrappings – after all, he was only going to be up for a few minutes – he walked out into the hall and headed for Raph's room.

Predictably, the door was locked. Leo pressed his ear against the door, listening as hard as he could. At first, he heard nothing, but then he heard what sounded like a soft snore. Content with this, Leo walked down to Donnie's room. He tried the handle; it wasn't locked. Slowly, he opened the door. Donnie lay on his bed, peacefully sleeping.

As Leo closed the door and started back to his own room, he found that he wasn't feeling any better. Why was he the only one who seemed to have trouble sleeping? All of them had been in real fear for their lives, all of them had been afraid for their sensei…so why was Leo struggling with this so much? Why was it that whenever he closed his eyes, that was all that he could see?

His brothers, scattered and injured. Him, pinned to the ground. His sensei, his father, looming over him with blank and soulless eyes, ready to drive a katana straight through his throat. Splinter's elbow had retracted, ready for the fatal blow.

So many emotions had coursed through Leo at once: terror, betrayal, failure…

He had never been so relieved in his life when Splinter snapped out of it and flattened Falco with a single blow. But if it hadn't been for Splinter's ability to break free from Falco's hold, there would have been nothing Leo could do to save his brothers. He would have died, and his own father would have killed his brothers one by one.

Leo shivered. He had always respected Splinter. He had always known that Splinter was powerful. Never once had he been terrified of him – until today.

Surely Splinter was having trouble sleeping…?

Leo walked across the lair and to the far end of the dojo. He hesitated. None of them ever went into Splinter's room, at least not since they were little. He couldn't bring himself to invade Splinter's privacy that way, especially if Splinter was having trouble sleeping. Instead, he stood outside of the silk screen door and listened; he thought he heard soft, rhythmic breathing.

Apparently, Splinter wasn't having any problems sleeping. Not even after almost killing his own sons.

As Leo walked out of the dojo, he tried to remind himself that Splinter was probably exhausted from the whole ordeal – after all, a deranged psychopath had taken control of his mind. He was probably just too tired to do anything but sleep.

I guess I am the only one, Leo thought. He headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He had finished drinking about half of it when a sharp cry echoed through the lair.

Splinter. Leo's heart nearly stopped…had Falco survived somehow? Was Splinter in danger? Leo bolted back to the dojo, suddenly wishing he'd taken the time to put on all of his gear after all. Feeling shaky, he grabbed one of his katanas from the dojo wall – just in case – and walked over to the silk screens.

Slowly, as silently as possible, he slid the partition open.

Splinter lay on his mat, moaning and twitching. His eyes moved rapidly beneath their lids; his breaths were gasps. He kept muttering no over and over.

Leo took a few tentative steps into the room. When the Rat King had been trying to take over him earlier, Splinter seemed to be in some kind of non-responsive trance. This looked more like a nightmare.

Leo hesitated for a moment. "Sensei?"

With an anguished shout, Splinter sat stock upright; in the same motion, he flung a knife straight at Leo. Leo yelped and raised his katana to deflect it. "Sensei!"

Splinter was panting. He stared at Leo with confusion in his eyes, as though he didn't even recognize him.

Leo tightened his grip on his katana, bracing himself for the worst.

"Leonardo?"

Leo swallowed. "Is it the Rat King?"

Splinter looked bewildered for a moment, then buried his face in his hands. "Yes. And no."

While the 'yes' stirred concern, the 'and no' definitely sounded like Splinter was, at the very least, himself. Leo lowered his sword. Maybe Splinter was just having a nightmare about the whole ordeal. Slowly, Leo walked over and sat on the floor beside the mat, laying his katana on the floor.

Splinter didn't look at him; he continued to hide behind his hands, breathing heavily.

Leo was unsure of what to do. Should he leave? Should he stay and try to help? He newly ingrained leader instincts told him that he should stay, but at the same time…he wasn't Splinter's leader. Leo could not remember a time he had ever offered consolation to his sensei. He had seen Splinter angry, he had seen Splinter saddened, but Splinter never seemed to be emotional about anything for very long. He was a rock, even after snapping out of his hypnosis today.

But this – this was a different Splinter than Leo had ever seen before. Vulnerable. Traumatized. Shaky. An empty shell. Leo couldn't leave him like this. "What is it?"

"Go," Splinter whispered, not uncovering his face.

"I'm not a little kid anymore. You can talk to me about it."

For few moments, Splinter did nothing.

Then, Splinter threw his arms around Leo, squeezing him tightly and sobbing into his shoulder.

Leo was paralyzed with shock. Splinter never cried. Leo had always, for some reason, assumed that Splinter was incapable of such a thing. After all, hadn't he trained all four of them to repress tears, as they inhibited one's ability to be ready for a fight?

After a minute, he recovered enough to return the hug awkwardly, gingerly patting Splinter's back. Finally, he found his voice. "Sensei…what's wrong?"

As abruptly as he had initiated the embrace, Splinter pulled away, wiping tears from his eyes. "I am sorry – I should not have – forgive me – that was not right of me to do – you should not have had to see that…" He drew several deep breaths, and within a few moments, seemed to have returned to his normal state. He stood up from the floor and walked into the dojo.

It was a clear signal that Splinter did not want Leo in his room anymore. Leo scrambled up, grabbed his katana, and followed after him.

The dojo was dimly illuminated by the street lights filtering down through the sewer grate above; Leo watched as Splinter took a match and lit the two candles on the small shrine. Splinter stared at them like a man haunted by demons that he would never be able to exorcise. Then, still facing the wall, he put a hand on the bridge of his nose and began to speak. "When the Rat King was attempting to take control of my mind, he" – there was a sudden catch in his voice – "used memories from my past to convince me that I was not a man anymore, that I had no family left besides him and his legions. Those distant memories now seem new again."

My place is with my sons, Splinter had said. Leo realized that Splinter had been telling the Rat King that he did, in fact, still have a family. "Yeah, but you beat him in the end, Sensei. We're all safe now."

Splinter made an odd choking sound. "Yes, my son. We are."

Something in the tone of Splinter's voice made Leo think that maybe the nightmare hadn't been about the Rat King at all, and made him realize that he had selfishly interpreted the statement to center on him and his brothers. Those distant memories now seem new again. A shiver shot down the back of Leo's neck. That had been the focus of Splinter's statement – how could he have so stupidly missed that?

"What…memories did he use?" Even as Leo asked it, he suspected that he already knew the answer.

Splinter drew several deep breaths. "The night I lost – everything."

So that was what his nightmare had been about.

"Sensei…" Leo hesitated. Was this a question he really wanted to ask? He had heard Splinter explain the result of that night's events, but never much beyond the fact that Shredder had attacked them, the house had burned down, and that Splinter lost his wife and daughter. "What exactly happened that night?"

Finally, Splinter turned away from the wall. He walked over to Leonardo and laid a hand on his shoulder. "I will tell you what happened that night. I learned the true meaning of the Phoenix." In response to Leo's puzzled look, Splinter continued. "My life went up in flames all around me. I was convinced that I would never – ever – rise from the ashes. But I did. In the end, you four have made it all worthwhile. I would not trade you and your brothers for my old life back – not even a hundred times over." Splinter gave Leo a brief embrace. "Now go to bed. We have training in the morning."

"But Sensei…"

Splinter's harsh look cut Leo off mid-sentence.

"Hai, Sensei," Leo sighed. He bowed before replacing his katana on its hook on the wall and then turning to go. When he reached the dojo entrance, he looked back. Splinter was sitting on the ground meditating, murmuring a mantra to himself. Leo's heart sank; he knew that Splinter only used audible mantras when he was struggling to center himself – though generally any struggles were on account of Leo and his brothers making ridiculous amounts of noise.

After a few moments, Splinter ceased his mantra. Leo smiled, hoping that it meant that his sensei had finally found some peace.

"Bed, Leonardo!"

Leo nearly jumped out of his shell. "Hai, Sensei." As he walked away from the dojo, he could hear Splinter resuming his mantra.

Leo understood Splinter's embarrassment. Essentially, he had seen his father naked, seen a part of him that Splinter never wanted anyone to see – a chink in his armor that revealed a traumatized, vulnerable man. But as far as Leo was concerned, what he had seen tonight only convinced him even more that no man on the planet was braver or more invincible than Hamato Yoshi.

As he crawled back into bed, he yawned. Strangely enough, he felt safer than ever, and drowsiness finally swept over him. As he drifted into sleep, a single thought was fixed in his mind.

Forget Captain Ryan. There was only one man that Leo wanted to be just like.

Inhale. Exhale.

Splinter struggled to find peace in the wake of his nightmare.

Ever since he had learned that the Shredder was in New York, his old nightmares had returned.

When he had seen Leonardo and Raphael practicing Shredder's signature kata – the very one that had thrown Splinter into the wall next to his small family shrine fifteen years ago – the flashback had been so vivid that for an instant, he thought he was surrounded by smoke and flames.

When his sons had come home – beaten, bruised, and bloodied, marked by the blades that had taken his wife from him – the nightmares grew worse than ever. No more were they of things past; no more did he hear Miwa crying and feel a fine spray of blood on his face.

It was worse.

Every night, he watched his sons die over and over again, surrounded by flames.

Even after Splinter had reined in his fear enough to apologize for panicking his sons, the dreams did not subside. Nevertheless, he had been able to temper them; while he still remembered them every morning, he no longer woke in the middle of the night.

But not even showing Splinter the darkest parts of his life had been enough for the Rat King to conquer him. Splinter could not lose what he no longer had.

But he could lose his sons.

His sons were all he had left, but they were not some mere consolation prize that soothed the loss of his wife and daughter. He had lost everything – but he had gained everything and more. His sons were his world, the sun of his life.

Even your so-called sons have begun to outgrow you.

Soon, you will be all alone.

Without them, what did he have?

Nothing.

This was what had broken his spirit: the Rat King had shown Splinter a world where his sons were gone. But it was Splinter's fear that had almost killed them, that had allowed the Rat King to take hold. If Leonardo had not helped to drag him back from the brink…

Splinter's hands shook. He had already acknowledged this, had already made peace with it. He let it flow away into the energy of the universe. It was the nightmare that plagued him now. He refocused his thoughts and concentrated on his mantra. He just had to acknowledge it and let it flow…

Leonardo had probably thought that the nightmare was only about that fateful night in Japan.

It was so much worse than that.

Not only had Splinter relived every painstaking detail of that night as if it were happening all over again – every sound, every smell, every sensation – he had dreamt of the only thing worse than a world where he lost his sons. Worse even than a world where he himself might kill his sons.

He had dreamt of a world without sunrise. A world where the Phoenix forever disintegrated into ash.

A world where mutagen did not exist.

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! You probably won't see any more fics from me until April (the month, not the character) 2015, when I will (hopefully) start working on "Aftershock," which will be the concluding story of my "The Girl Next Door" and "Donatello's Demise" story arc. So, anyway, I hope you have a wonderful, happy new year!