Act III

"As I am woman, what thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe?"

-2.2

Can this tangled knot get any worse? Is it even possible for this situation to become more confused?

Well, some happy events have taken place. I am no longer looked on oddly by the boys I live among. Two months in my lord's court have taught me well how to be a boy, how to move and how to speak so that I no longer betray my womanly origins. Too, my lord shows me ever greater affection and favor. Were I a man, I would be rejoicing for the survival of my livelihood.

But dear Lord! The complications and problems I have received in trade for those! I would almost have them back again, did I think it would undo this confusion and restore all to its rightful order. I would almost have my lord wed the Lady Olivia, and them both happy. My broken heart would be as nothing to the pain that may—no, must come of this.

For the Lady Olivia loves me, as my lord Orsino loves her, as I, poor monster, love him! What am I to do with this new coil?

I could go to her, I suppose, and tell her I am a woman and her love is misplaced. But then she will tell my lord, and everything will fall apart, for him, for me, for her. I will be utterly ruined. I am ruined, I suppose, but no one knows it yet, so I may put off the inevitable for a while yet. If I tell her, though, everything will fall apart.

I had not given any thought to my future when I embarked upon this disguise. I suppose I thought I could continue to be a man forever. I know now that will not be possible. Even if I did not love my lord, even if the Lady Olivia did not love me, this disguise would fall apart eventually. As soon as my lord wed, if not sooner. I could not pass for long, not with a woman in the house. Sooner or later I would give myself away.

The future... I must think of it now, even if it tightens my chest to think of leaving my lord. I must try to find Sebastian, or try to make contact with our cousins. Perhaps I may even throw myself on the Lady Olivia's mercy... but no. She has seen me now, she knows well who I am. I would have to wait until my hair grew out, and where would I go in the meanwhile?

I will go no more to the Lady Olivia's house unless my lord specifically asks it of me. This is not a very good resolution, I know, for I know well that he will ask me, and I cannot say him nay. I know too, though, that her heart will never be swayed to his. I will speak to him as I may, and ask him if he may not love some other lady, one with a heart a little more willing. It is likely he will not listen to me, but I will at least have tried. What else is there for me to do?

What else may I do? I cannot rule the hearts of others. I cannot leave; though that would solve many problems most handily, it would create more for me, and I would hurt my lord grievously. I cannot starve. I cannot reveal myself. I cannot untangle this knot.

I must only trust in God and my lord's heart.