Act V
"If nothing lets to make us happy both but this my masculine usurped attire, do not embrace me 'til each circumstance of place, time, fortune do cohere and jump that I am Viola."
-5.1
I am so happy I can barely breathe. This joy fills my chest and floods my heart, and I can scarce believe that my feet touch the ground. Sebastian is alive and here, Olivia is wed and happy, and my lord and I... but I must begin at the beginning, or I shall never sort this out, even in the darkness of my own mind.
It began when my brother, alive and well, rounded the corner and greeted Lady Olivia as his own wife. I saw none but him, but my lord told me afterwards that he never saw so great an assortment of astonished faces. Sebastian did not notice me at first, instead apologizing for what he had done to Sir Toby and Sir Andrew, and then greeting Antonio as a dear, long-lost friend. In his presence alone he solved all the mysteries that had plagued me for the past few days, though the mystery of his survival remained.
He did not see me until the wonderment of the others drew his eyes to his twin that stood across from him.
I cannot describe my feelings in any detail, nor his that I saw in his eyes. Sebastian had thought me dead; that much was clear in his words and his voice. I had thought never to see him again. What I felt when I once more embraced my brother...!
I must admit to feeling a little apprehensive, even as I rejoiced in my brother's life and affection. After all, he had called me by my true name, and I had admitted that I was Sebastian's sister, Viola and not Cesario as all present had thought me. My lord would never want me now, but then he never would have wanted me as a boy either. My prospects were unchanged, and at least I had my brother back, and a new-found sister, if she would forgive me. I had a place, at least. I had everything I had wanted at the beginning of this mad adventure. I could not help it if my wants had changed somewhat since then.
My lord seemed distracted at first, confused, as well he might. He asked me one or two questions in a distant tone before the question of my good captain and Malvolio intervened. But after, he proved as perceptive as I knew him to be. I shall not say what passed between us, for it is known throughout Illyria. Let it only be said that he loves me, that he knows of my love for him, and that we are to be wed as soon as he and my brother come to an agreement on my dowry.
I cannot help but rejoice!
Not every story touched by mine ended well. I do pity Malvolio, though he well deserved his fate; self-righteousness rarely ends well, and trying to rise above one's station never does. He disguised himself for a time as I did. He simply was not as persuasive or as lucky. And poor Antonio! My heart breaks when I think of him, granted his freedom but denied the friendship he once shared with my brother. The only one of us not in disguise, the poor man.
For we were all wearing borrowed faces, living borrowed lives, though my masquerade was undeniably the most dramatic. My lord lived as the epic tragic lover, Olivia as the ever-constant daughter and sister living forever in seclusion for the death of those who loved her, Malvolio as the well-beloved raised above his station. My brother too disguised himself as Cesario for a time, though unintentionally. Even the hapless Sir Andrew pretended he was something he was not, a wise, learned man worthy of Olivia. I pray he will find a lady to improve him someday, as Sir Toby has in the good Maria, for he is a good man, even if he is not...well.
I sit in the parlor in my brother and sister's home, awaiting my lord, for he promised to visit me today. I am wearing a gown, though skirts still feel strange about my legs, and my chest feels exposed. After all, I am a woman now. I have put off my mask and ended this transformation. But it is not over. I do not think it will ever be over, this joyful, strange, new life.
I am changed. We are all changed. In some ways, I am still Cesario.
I do hope my lord will let me wear breeches when we go riding together. I always hated the lady's saddle.