Chapter 7

October 1860 – San Francisco

"And you've been friends with him ever since?"

"Yep. Me and Daniel…we pulled each other up, brushed off the dirt and blood, and shook hands." Michaela grinned, as the waves lapped at her toes. The moon was already high, and the stars were twinkling brightly. "So, yeah, we've been friends ever since." The breeze started to swirl around them faster, and Michaela pulled her shawl tightly around her shoulders. "You cold?" He started to remove his coat.

"No. I'm fine," she said with a smile.

"No you aren't. Just take it." Michaela laughed, as he pulled the coat around her shoulders. For a moment, his hand was on her shoulder, and each of them felt those initial, confusing sensations—sensations that started with goose bumps on their skin, prickling hairs on their arms and the backs of their necks, and heartbeats that started to race faster and faster—and, the moonlight disguised their mutual longings.

"Thank you," she said hoarsely. She cleared her throat and pulled her legs under her skirt, warming her feet. Sully stared out into the blackness of the massive ocean. The ripples on the black surface reminded him of her hair. The twinkling stars reminded him of her eyes. When he looked up at the sky, the first star he spotted was the North Star smiling down at him, twinkling at him like those new, familiar eyes.

"It's getting late," Sully said quietly, feeling at rest for the first time in months. Michaela nodded and began to close her eyes, smelling the salt of the ocean; almost hearing the distant whale songs.

"We should start back," Michaela finally replied, her head turning to Sully. She saw him swallow hard and look up at the North Star. "Sully," she said gently. "When did you start believing that the North Star could lead you home?" Sully shook his head, not having to think very long.

"I never used to believe it, but when I let myself trust it and…and trust myself…it worked." Her eyes were curious, sparkling with the need to know more.

"What happens if…if you lose your way?" His eyes looked into hers, and she could see the clear blue through the darkness.

"Sometimes you spend forever tryin' to find your way home." Her heart was beating with his now.

"And?" He felt the chains around his heart weakening like hot metal in a blacksmith's forge, and his soul cried out.

"And, sometimes ya stay lost." When the clouds began to roll in and pass over the moon and the North Star, Sully and Michaela were bathed in darkness. And, in an instant, they were brought together under the shroud of the midnight sky, kissing one another so tenderly; so softly. His lips first brushed against hers, feeling her warmth against him. She shuddered, not believing she was kissing this man…this man she'd only just met. But, it felt right, and she leaned into him, having never had such a kiss before. She closed her eyes, letting him carry her heart away. He felt safe and dangerous to her at the same time. His kiss was comforting, but she knew things couldn't happen this way. Still, they knew they couldn't break this way; but they wanted to.

His arms encircled her, protecting her body, and the fear rose in both of them, while everything else felt so right. He heard her sigh against his lips, and he didn't dare force her to do anything she didn't want to. He loosened his hold on her, feeling her relax against him, her arms now snaking around his neck. Her heart was beating against his own, and when he felt the coldness press against his chest, his heart dropped.

"When you feel it…you'll feel me there with you."

He pulled back quickly, his body trembling, and Michaela scooted back to give him room. His hand placed against his heart, and he could see her. She was there, just like she'd promised. She'd always be there.

"I'm sorry, Sully," Michaela said quickly, slipping her shoes on. Sully sat staring at the ocean, his lips slightly parted, swollen from their kiss. Michaela felt the blood rising to her face, and she stood quickly. She started to walk away, but Sully finally reached for her. He stood up and started to walk with her. She didn't say 'no' to him, but she wished she could be alone.

"Michaela…"

"You don't have to say anything. I feel…"

"It wasn't your fault." Why had he pulled away? No man had ever kissed her like that. She'd never felt such desire; such need before. Why had he pulled away?

"Don't…" she pleaded. He took her hand in his, and she tried to pull away. He moved to stand in front of her, and she saw into his eyes. She saw the tears there. She wanted to help him, but she knew nothing that she could do. "Sully? What is it?"

"It wasn't you. I kissed ya…because…"

"You don't have to tell me why," she whispered, squeezing his hand. He paused for a moment, and he finally reached into the neck of his shirt and pulled out the chain. She saw the ring catch the light of the moon that was slowly coming out from under the shadow of the clouds. "That's…a wedding band," she concluded. Sully nodded, and Michaela took her hand from Sully's, reacting as quickly as if she'd touched a hot stove. "You're married." She knew the answer. It didn't have to be a question. He shook his head. "Now I feel even more foolish. I need to go, Sully." She started to walk away, but his hand reached for hers again. "Please, let me go. I need to go, Sully. I need to be alone."

"No. I ain't been able to talk about it. Not with anybody. But bein' here with you…somethin' tells me I can tell you." Michaela shifted nervously and held her arms to herself, protecting her from the wind…from being hurt.

"Talk about it?" she asked. "Talk about what?" Sully looked deep into her eyes, and she could see his past. She could see everything.

"I killed my family."

June 1860 – Colorado Springs

He paced nervously in the hallway, thinking about everything that crossed his mind. There was nothing else that he could do while they waited. He could only listen to the painful, gut-wrenching screams that came from behind that door. He could hear Charlotte coaching her, telling her to breathe and push. She'd been saying that for going on two hours.

"How you holdin' up?" Sully turned to see the gray-haired man standing before him, his body strong and unyielding, but his eyes full of fear and worry.

"I wish I could be with her," Sully said gently, leaning against the railing of the porch.

"Maude's in there with her. She's gonna be fine."

"There ain't nothin' I can do. I just…I hate hearin' her in pain like that."

"Why don't we get ya a drink at the saloon?"

"I don't drink, Loren. Ya know that." Sully sighed heavily, hearing Loren chuckle under his breath. "'Sides, I can't leave."

"Ya been standing out here since last night. Ya need to take a walk" A loud wail came from the upstairs of the boarding house, and Sully recognized the cry. He darted through the side door and up the stairs. He opened the door to one of the rooms and found his little girls, both with dark hair and bright eyes like their mother. They were little versions of her, and he couldn't believe how quickly they were growing.

"Papa!" Hanna cried.

"Hey darlin'," he said with a smile, walking over toward the bed they shared.

"Mama ok?"

"Mama's fine, Hanna. Go back to sleep, 'fore ya wake your sister." He looked over at the little girl next to Hanna, and he smoothed back the hair on her head. "Lily's awful tired." Footsteps from behind Sully finally woke the little girl. Her eyes popped open, and she spotted Loren first.

"Gwampa!" she cheered, pulling herself up and running across the bed. Loren caught her before she could fall, and Sully turned to watch them. Loren was never so proud as he was when he was with his granddaughters. He'd been there for them through so much, and Sully was thankful that the girls had one set of grandparents in their life. He only wished his parents were still there to see them.

"Mama ok?" Hanna asked again.

"Don't worry," Sully replied, pulling her into his lap. "Mama's gonna be fine. All that hollerin' she's doin' is just her way of bringin' the baby into the world."

"Sister!" Lily exclaimed from Loren's arms. Sully chuckled.

"Sister," Hanna agreed.

"Well, we won't know 'til the baby's here," he said quietly, "but I hope ya won't be awfully disappointed if it ain't a sister."

"Sully!" her voice reverberated from downstairs. "SULLY!" And a moment later, the shrill wails of an infant were heard, and Sully felt his heart stop.

"Baby here!" Lily cheered. "Baby!" Loren placed her back on the bed and patted Sully on the back.

"It's over," he said. "Go see 'em. I'll stay with the girls." Sully nodded and felt his knees grow weak, as he stood and put Hanna back in bed. He caught the rail of the bed, and Loren chuckled. "Maybe I better help you down the stairs."

He shook his head. He could do this. He pushed himself out of the room and held onto the railing of the stairs, as he made his way into the back room downstairs. It was cracked open just a little, and he could hear his wife's whimpers and his baby's cries.

He knocked, and Charlotte's voice followed.

"Come in, Sully. Somebody wants to meet ya." Sully swallowed hard, and he watched as Charlotte handed a squirming blanket to Abagail, who was smiling up at Maude, who had held her hand the entire time. His heart stopped again, and he beamed with pride at the sight.

"Everybody…."

"Everybody's fine," Charlotte assured him. "Congratulations, Papa. Go meet your son."

"My…my son?" he asked. His eyes scanned the room, and he smiled at his wife and her mother, who was gently wiping the sweat from Abagail's brow.

"We've got a boy, Sully! A little boy…" He wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly. He'd been so used to hearing that he had a new little girl, that he honestly hadn't prepared himself for this. "He's beautiful, Sully. He looks just like ya." Sully finally made it to his wife's side, and he saw the little boy in her arms. "He already likes the name Johnny." Sully chuckled, and he took the boy into his arms. "Jonathan Sully." The baby looked up at him, his tired eyes wide and bright for a moment. "Yep. I think that's him." The baby yawned and closed his eyes, and in an instant, he was fast asleep. Sully smiled down at his wife, seeing the exhaustion in her face and the joy in her eyes.

"If all babies are like him when they're born," she whispered, "I want to give ya a hundred more." Sully chuckled, and he bent down to kiss her forehead.

"I don't know 'bout a hundred more," he laughed, "but one or two, maybe. We got all the time in the world."

September 1870 – Boston

She hadn't even slept the night before. She'd stared up at the ceiling, looking for answers; wishing she could take back the night before. Her lips still tingled, and she felt the red creep into her face again. Why did it have to be so complicated? Why had their friendship suddenly become so uncomfortable because of a kiss? Why had she enjoyed it so much? Why was she terrified of what it meant?

She heard the door to his room open and close, and she heard footsteps coming down the hall. She froze, closing her eyes, hoping he'd keep walking. She couldn't face him just yet.

Relief flooded over her, when his footsteps echoed down the hall and down the stairs. She closed her eyes and climbed out of bed. She splashed water on her face and toweled off.

She quickly got dressed and fixed her hair. She hoped they'd be able to talk today, and she made a promise to herself not to try to convince him to go home to Colorado Springs, though she felt that it would be best for him to see familiar people and places. But it was ultimately his choice, and it was one that she couldn't make for him.

By the time she opened her door and stepped into the hallway, she could hear her mother's voice coming from the dining room. She could hear Sully's voice as well, and she felt her stomach do flip flops inside of her. But, she knew she had to face him. She couldn't disappear like a child and hide from what she was afraid of. So, when she arrived downstairs and walked into the dining room, she could feel his eyes on her, and the room immediately grew quiet.

"Good morning," she said to both her mother and Sully, but not daring to personalize her greeting.

"Good morning, Michaela," Elizabeth said with an oblivious smile. Sully glanced across at her, noticing how beautiful she looked despite the fact that her face told the same story as his. He hadn't slept either. Michaela stared down at her breakfast plate, but she looked away. "Aren't you hungry?"

"Not particularly," she replied, looking at her mother. Hearing those words turned Sully's stomach. She was being so cold. He deserved it. Ten years. It had been ten years, and he still couldn't move on. He couldn't let himself, and last night, he'd tried to let go. But, what if it happened again? What if he hurt her? What if…

"I was hoping you'd be feeling better today."

"I'm fine, Mother," Michaela replied. "I would like to go to the office and work on a few charts." Why was she getting out of being there? That was the last thing she wanted. She wanted to talk with him, yet she couldn't muster up the courage to face him just yet. She knew he was hurting, but she didn't know how to help him anymore. Just being right there and knowing she could say nothing to help the situation made her grow even more uncomfortable.

"Oh. Well, that's fine," she said quietly. "Would you mind dropping me off at Eloise Baker's house? She and I planned for tea."

"Of course, Mother," Michaela replied. "I'll tell Harrison to bring the carriage around." She took the opportunity to excuse herself, and she felt his eyes follow her the entire way. This time, however, he didn't let her walk away.

"'Scuse me," he said quickly, pushing back his chair and standing up to leave. He found her leaning against the banister at the foot of the stairs. She was catching her breath before she went to find Harrison. "Michaela…" She turned quickly, facing him for the first time since their kiss.

"Sully…I don't…"

"We gotta talk." Her eyes held so many questions that he didn't know how to answer. He could try, but he wasn't sure if he could succeed.

"You haven't been ready to talk. What's changed?" She started up the stairs, but he called out to her.

"I burned it." She paused, sighing heavily.

"Burned what?" She didn't turn back to face him. She gripped the banister, waiting.

"Abby's ring," he whispered. Finally, her eyes met his again, and she saw him trembling. "I threw it in the fire last night. Why'd I do it, Michaela? It's s'posed to keep her with me." Michaela swallowed hard, thankful that he was finally opening up. She stepped off of the stairs and went to him.

"She has been with you, Sully. Every step of the way. You feel her with you. She's always there. Your nightmares, Sully…"

"They're getting worse."

"You told me a long time ago…"

"I did. I told ya, and it didn't help. They got worse after a while."

"You were mourning, Sully. Abagail's dead. Your children are dead." She gasped, pulling away from him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"

"That's all I been sayin'. We've been apologizin' left and right. We been steppin' 'round everything, and you're right. We gotta talk about it. You're the only person I can talk to." Michaela sighed heavily.

"If that's true, Sully, then you need to tell me everything."