Chapter 12

October 1870 – Boston

Michaela closed her medical text and placed her elbows on the top of the fine oak partner's that she had once shared with her father. She cradled her head in her hands and watched the lamp oil burn low. She hadn't spoken more than four words to her mother in the past week. She was still furious with her over what Landon had told her. She knew her mother thought she was doing what was best, but Elizabeth still hadn't come to terms with the fact that her daughter was old enough to make her own decisions. Michaela knew that it was about time she did something about that. It was time she broke free from Boston.

She looked at the telegrams in her hands. Three advertisements. She had answered them earlier that day. One was for a position in San Francisco, another was for New York City and another was for St. Louis. All of them were prominent hospitals, and Michaela could only imagine working there among some of the finest physicians in the country.

The worries were there too. Would she be accepted? How would she fit herself into the medical world with no friends or family there for support? She supposed to could knock on door after door until somebody finally answered and let her in, giving her the chance to spread her wings as a doctor and a woman, but she highly doubted she would find such luck. No, she was going to have to do this on her own.

A knock came to her door, and she braced herself.

"Come in," she called. She was ready for anything that Elizabeth had to say, but she was pleasantly surprised, when Rebecca walked in. "Rebecca!"

"Hello, Michaela."

"What are you doing here?" she asked, getting up. "It's so late…"

"Mother asked me to come speak with you," she replied, embracing Michaela. "She says you've been…" Michaela hugged her back and pulled away with a sigh.

"Ignoring her?" she finished, a knowing twinkle shining in her eyes.

"Well, she didn't use those exact words, but…yes." Rebecca frowned. "What's wrong, Michaela?" Michaela shook her head. She refused to pout and cry about it like a selfish child.

"What's wrong is that I'm pretty sure it's time to move on." She looked down at the pieces of paper in her hands. "I've applied for a position at three distinguished hospitals, and I'm waiting for a reply from…from any of them."

"That's wonderful, Michaela," Rebecca said happily, taking her sister's hands in hers. "But, why don't you sound so excited?"

"I am," she said quietly. "I just never thought that the idea of leaving Boston would be so overwhelming." Rebecca eyed her sister, as she moved across the room and sat down on the edge of her bed. Rebecca folded her arms across her chest and watched her for a moment. "I've been here all of my life, Rebecca. Father encouraged me to do the best I could under any circumstances, and that's what I've done. I'm subjected myself to practicing in a run down…two roomed clinic and seeing patients only once or twice a week. I'm a doctor, Rebecca. I need to help people, but I also need to be useful." Rebecca nodded and patted her youngest sister's hand.

"You are, Michaela. You care a great deal about your patients." She nodded.

"I do," she replied, "but I feel like there are so many more people out there that I can help." She swallowed hard, and Rebecca noticed a book in the center of her desk. Michaela followed her gaze and sighed heavily.

"What are you reading?" She picked it up and examined the cover thoroughly. It was a book about psychology and nightmares. When she looked toward Michaela, Michaela was looking down into her hands.

"Help people…like Mr. Sully?" she wondered. Michaela flinched at the name, and she shook her head.

"Rebecca…"

"You want to help him. You want to leave Boston to find him…don't you?" Michaela nodded slowly.

"I can't help it, Rebecca…I…"

"You love him," Rebecca stated firmly. Michaela blinked away her tears and nodded.

"I've barely had time to admit it to myself. I never told him. I should have…I was such a fool."

"No," Rebecca said quietly. "Sometimes we don't do or say things that we want to, because we're afraid of hurting someone…or of being hurt."

"But he told me he loves me, Rebecca. I should have just said it."

"Maybe you weren't ready yet."

"I was. I've loved him for so long," Michaela admitted. "I was just scared. I've never felt this way about someone before." Rebecca nodded. "Sully's been through so much. I want him to be happy."

"And you're not sure if you can make him happy," Rebecca replied. Michaela nodded sadly. It was all true. She'd had nightmares of her own—nightmares of breaking his heart—and she couldn't handle the thought of taking such a fragile heart into her hands for fear of breaking it all over again. She dealt with life and death every day as a doctor, but handling the spirit of a man she loved more than she'd ever loved any man was something entirely different.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never acted like this, have I?" Rebecca grinned.

"Love makes us act strangely sometimes. But, Michaela, you have nothing to worry about. I've seen the way he looks at you. You're the one person that can make him happy. Don't you realize that?"

"We were friends for so long…"

"So you trust each other," Rebecca replied quietly. "You know each other. You love each other." Michaela felt the realization seeping into her veins and flooding through her system. "Michaela, that's all you need. You just…you need to tell him." Michaela sighed heavily, exhaling all of the frustration that had balled up in the pit of her stomach since he'd been gone.

"I need to find him," she whispered. "I just need the chance to tell him how I feel. I just…don't know how to say it." Rebecca sat next to her sister and pulled her arms around her shoulders.

"Yes you do. When you see him, you'll know how."

October 1870 – Near the Texas Border

With a heavy sigh, Sully slumped down under a tree and took a swig from his water canteen. He kicked off his boots and ran his fingers through his sweat-soaked hair. The cattle drive had just reached the Texas borders, and they were about to head north toward Colorado. Sully had already promised Tommy that he'd accompany them to the Colorado border, but after that, he was heading west to San Francisco. When Tommy asked him why he was going there, Sully only said that he wanted to revisit the place that had changed his life forever. Nothing more needed to be said.

The droning sound of the cattle had reached Sully at his place under the shade tree. He could hear the cowboys having a good time with their whiskey and cheap tales of prostitutes and their younger days. Sully preferred to be left out of those conversations, and Daniel normally did too, but he'd been talked into having a drink, and Sully knew that he was on his own for the day.

He heard the babbling of a creek nearby, and he figured it was a good opportunity to take a quick bath and a swim. So, he gathered up his pack and started toward the water source. When he found it, he hid his clothes in the weeds that surrounded the creek, and he pulled the soap out, working up a good lather.

Being in the water reminded him of the day that Michaela had fallen in the pond and had walked home soaking wet. He'd felt so bad for her, but at the same time, he couldn't help but laugh at how beautiful she'd looked soaking wet.

After he felt he was clean, he tossed the soap into his pack again, suds and all, and he dunked himself under the water to get rid of any excess soap. While he was under, he thought he heard a nearby splash, and he quickly looked up to see someone entering the water from the other side of the creek and on the other side of the weeds.

When he saw her black hair and her sun-bronzed flesh, it was too late. She was facing him, her eyes wide with surprise but the flesh surrounding them still slightly darkened from Eddie's beating.

"Sully!" she shouted. "What the…what are ya doin' in here?"

"Takin' a bath," he answered quickly, turning away, but not soon enough. "Carrie, I'm sorry…"

"What are ya apologizin' for? You was here first."

"I…I was," he replied. "Ya shoulda been checkin' to make sure nobody else was here then." Carrie laughed, submerging herself in the water. The water was soothing to her still-sore body.

"I'm sorry," she laughed. There was a long pause. "Well, one of us is gonna have to get out first."

"I'm done."

"Well, get on out, cowboy," she laughed, running her fingers through her hair. Sully was starting to shiver in the cool water, and he could feel her eyes on his back.

"Don't look," he grumbled.

"Why would I?" He glanced over his shoulder at her for a moment, and she laughed. He heard the water sloshing toward him, and he started to panic. He turned, seeing her eyes on him. "I want to thank ya for what ya did that night. My pa's grateful too."

"Ya already thanked me yesterday," Sully pointed out. Carrie grinned, her eyes flashing devilishly. Her right cheek was still a little swollen, and her cut lip quivered slightly. "Does it hurt?" His mouth was completely dry. He couldn't move; he was certain his feet were tangled up in something. He could see her body through the clear water, and he tried not to look. He looked into her eyes, but that seemed worse.

"It don't," she replied, "not much, anyway. Whiskey usually takes it away." Sully shook his head. "What? Ya never met a girl like me before, have ya?" Sully choked for a moment.

"Can't say I have," he replied.

"Well, now ya have," she whispered, moving closer to him, her shoulders and hair glistening with what looked like diamonds under the hot sun. "Ya think a lot of things about me, Sully."

"No I don't," he replied, bracing his strong back against a large rock. But, she moved closer. He couldn't get himself out of that water without her seeing things he didn't want her seeing. As her eyes looked into his, he noticed that they were olive and hazel…just like Michaela's. He couldn't get past that, and it made him miss her even more. He dreamed of her at night, and that was more frustrating than being apart from her. Waking up, disoriented, he'd think she was really there, but then he'd realize it was all a dream, and he was still living in his own private hell. The need was becoming all-powerful and consuming to him. His flesh burned at every thought of Michaela. He wanted her touch more than anything. He needed to hold her and kiss her and hear her say she loved him too.

"Some things are true…some ain't. Bet ya can guess which ones are true." She grinned, seeming more feminine than she'd ever seemed before. He took a shallow breath.

"I need to be getting back."

"To what? A bunch of smelly cows? Or a bunch of drunken cowboys?" He could see that she wasn't willing to move, and he wasn't the kind of many to move a lady by force. But, he had to get out of there somehow.

"I really don't wanna do this, Carrie. I think I best leave ya here and get back to work." Carrie's hands moved toward him under the water, and he couldn't move. He was trapped, and her hands found his.

"You got a girl?" Michaela's face flashed through his mind again. Was she his? He'd left her. He'd left, and he'd never know.

"Not exac…" he began, but she moved closer to him. He could feel her body heat under the water, and it was growing increasingly more frustrating for him to be standing there. God, she was so close, but he didn't want to touch her. He stopped breathing, when her hands moved up his arms and to his shoulders. He could smell the faint scent of hyacinth on her skin. "Don't do that, Carrie," he warned. She grinned, and those eyes…those hazel and olive eyes sparkled with fire. Michaela's eyes.

"Ya look at me…like ya know me. Nobody's ever looked at me that way before," she said pointedly. Her arms locked around his neck, and she stared into his eyes, looking up, and searching for his soul. "Sully…" The water trickled from her hair and down her face, perfectly caressing her lips. She blinked, temporarily shielding him from those two mismatched colors of eyes.

"You're not going to hurt me, Sully."

He shook his head, trying to think clearly. The sun began to shine in his eyes, and he couldn't see; he felt like he was drowning inside of himself, and his head was swimming. He couldn't move away from her, and he could feel her breasts against his chest, teasing him; seducing him. Her lips were on his neck a moment later, stealing his voice and his strength. He tried to speak, but her lips found his, begging for him to open up to her. And, his eyes looked into hers…green and brown…green and brown. Michaela. Beautiful Michaela. His lips burned for her kiss…Michaela's kiss. And, he opened up, feeling her tongue against his.

He heard her moan, and he felt the kiss deepen. She stole his breath from his lungs, and his heart pumped forth the need to reach out. He pulled her in, holding her to his body with the need of a thousand untouched years of frustration. But, it wasn't her.

The water started to penetrate his flesh and drown him from the outside in. His heart was aching, and his mind was numb. It wasn't her.

As she began to pull him closer, he inhaled her scent again. Not her. Not his Michaela. No. Wrong. This was wrong. He pulled back, lifting her arms off of his shoulders. She gasped, grabbing onto his arms before she could fall backward into the water.

"Sully!" she exclaimed. "What's the matter!" She obviously wasn't used to being turned down.

"I can't. I can't do this." He pushed himself away from her, and she stood up, revealing her form to him. He didn't look, and he pulled himself out of the water, quickly covering himself behind the weeds.

"Sully…"

"I can't do this, Carrie. I can't…it can't be like that with us."

"So there's an 'us'?" she asked, pulling herself out of the water. Sully still didn't look. He turned his back and finished getting dressed, not wanting her to see him either.

"I didn't say…" He was exasperated. "Let's just get back to camp."

"You kissed me too, Sully. You wanted to as much as I did. I felt it." He could hear the uncertainty wavering in her voice. For the first time, he could actually feel her insecurities.

"No. That ain't what ya felt." He started off, but Carrie pulled on her clothes quickly and hurried after him. When she caught up, she moved to stand in his way. "Carrie…"

"Sully, you were kissin' me just as much as I was kissin' you. Then ya pulled away like you was stung. What's goin' on?" Sully shook his head.

"Ya wouldn't understand. My heart…it belongs somewhere else."

"Well, obviously not, if ya been kissin' me." She didn't sound as if she believed that.

"I ain't talkin' about it."

"What are ya runnin' from?" Hearing those words brought him back to Michaela, and he felt terrible. He loved her more than anything, yet he couldn't control himself for a moment with Carrie? He didn't feel the things for Carrie that he felt for Michaela. Michaela was his best friend, his confidant. He couldn't live without her. She was like air to him, yet he had left…not accepting that they could live a life together without him hurting her. But, he knew now that being with her was all he wanted.

"I'm sorry. I didn't…I didn't mean for it to happen. It just did, Carrie. Nothin' else can happen."

"Are ya sayin'…ya don't…"

"I'm sayin' that I love somebody else with all my heart, and this can't happen."

"Ya ain't married," she offered.

"No, but my heart ain't mine to give to anybody no more. My heart belongs to somebody else."

"Does this somebody know that?"

"She knows," he replied, moving past her. Carrie finally stayed put, crossing her arms around her body and shivering.

"Well, does she feel the same?" Sully couldn't respond, because she'd never told him. What if she didn't feel the same as he did? In his heart, he knew the truth, but he couldn't say it aloud until she did. It just wouldn't be right. So, he kept on walking, hoping to forget about that afternoon and move on with his life.

March 1858 – Colorado Springs

Night had finally settled in, and the girls were sleeping peacefully in their beds. Sully was stoking the fire in their bedroom, waiting for Abagail. Lately, she'd been singing the girls lullabies. She couldn't sing to save her life, but she usually put her heart and soul into it. Tonight was different. Something had changed in her, and he wondered if it had to do with that afternoon. He had never felt jealous of Jake Slicker before, but something had happened. What couldn't his wife tell him? They had used to tell each other everything. He trusted her, so why couldn't she trust him?

He heard her footsteps coming down the hall, and he stood, moving to stand at the window. He wasn't sure what to say to her or what to ask. Should he just leave it be? Should he not be concerned? He couldn't help it. He knew something was wrong. He only hoped she'd open up to him.

When the door to the bedroom opened, he heard her hesitant footsteps, and he turned to see her walking in, her long black hair pulled into a thick braid down her back. Her pale blue nightgown hung loosely on her. She looked so fragile and worn down, and Sully really saw her exhaustion in this degree. It shocked him. He felt guilty for that.

"Abby," he said, clearing his throat. "Abagail?"

"What is it, Sully?" she asked, pulling the bed blankets back and climbing underneath them.

"Maybe…maybe I'll stay home tomorrow and look after the girls." She looked over at him, her eyes searching his. After a moment, she loosened her pursed lips and sighed softly.

"Honey, ya know we need the money." He nodded and took her hand in his. Her fingers felt frail, and they didn't hold the warmth that they used to.

"But ya need me here more," Sully pointed out. Abagail shook her head.

"Cloud Dancin' wants ya at the reservation tomorrow, and then ya gotta go help Mr. Jacobs with his barn roof."

"That can wait," he insisted.

"No, it can't. He said he won't pay ya if ya don't have it done by the end of the week, Sully. Ya gotta do this." Sully sighed heavily and climbed into his side of the bed, the right side.

"Well, if ya don't want me to be gone so much, but ya don't want me stayin' home, what do ya want?" Sully asked, fresh out of ideas. Abagail sighed and leaned against the headboard.

"I don't know," she whispered.

"Abby, I wanna know what's goin' on."

"Nothin's goin' on. Why do ya keep askin' me that?"

"'Cause I think somethin' is wrong with you. Ya ain't actin'…"

"I can't help it!" she exclaimed, throwing the covers off. "I just went into town today and talked with Mr. Slicker."

"So…you can talk to him 'bout what's goin' on, but ya can't talk to your own husband?" Abagail lay down and turned her back to him. He placed his hand on her shoulder, and he felt her pull away. "Tell me what I did wrong, Abby."

"Nothin'," she whispered. "Ya didn't do nothin'."

October 1870 – Boston

"I can't believe you're here," she breathed, taking in the sight of him. He was standing there, the sound of ocean behind them and the light of the star…their star above them. "I have so much to tell you." She stepped toward him, taking that step that she knew she needed to take. "I can't believe it…"

"Michaela," he said quietly, moving toward her and taking her hand in his, "I got somethin' to tell ya."

"No, I need to say it," she whispered.

"But…"

"No. I let you go before…without saying it. I want to. I need to, Sully. I…I love you." She saw his expression fall, and he pulled away from her, breaking her heart in two. "Sully?"

"I can't do this," Sully said quietly. "I don't wanna hurt you…but things…I…I found somebody. Michaela…I'm in love with…"

She woke in a cold sweat, her entire body drenched. She was trembling, and her heart was pounding. God, it had been so real. She could still feel his hands and smell his cologne. She could see the sparkle of his eyes under the stars. She could hear and feel his words slicing through her soul like a knife.

"Sully," she breathed. She pulled herself out of bed and rushed to the window. She threw it open and searched frantically for their star. Tears streamed down her face, and she wiped them away. "I need you. Where are you?" She curled up in the window seat and looked up at that star, straining to see him; feel him with her. She had to find him. She couldn't live like this anymore.