Chapter 13

November 1870 – Boston

"Michaela, where on Earth are you going?" Elizabeth asked, as Michaela completely passed by the dining room at breakfast time. Michaela backtracked and stepped toward the table. Thankfully, she and her mother were on speaking terms again, and Elizabeth had pretty much given up on the idea of Michaela marrying Landon. The final straw in that case was Landon's eloping with Molly. They were happily married, despite his parents' wishes, and they were living in a cozy little home on the outside of town.

"Out," Michaela replied quietly.

"Without breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry."

"You aren't still upset about this Landon business, are you?" Elizabeth asked with exasperation. Michaela sighed heavily. It was no use arguing with her mother at this point. But even simple questions and conversations seemed to lead to an argument between them these days.

"That's beside the point. I'm just going out for some fresh air. I didn't sleep well last night." The truth was that she didn't sleep well most nights anymore. She seemed to have that recurring dream—nightmare—that Sully had found someone else. Could she blame him? She hadn't expressed her feelings to him. He wouldn't have to feel guilty about it. Why should he? She hadn't stepped up at the right moment and admitted her feelings for him. She hadn't acted in the moment, because she'd been battling with her heart and her mind, and words had escaped her. Words hadn't seemed adequate for that moment. If she would have told him, perhaps she'd have hurt him at the same time.

"Are you feeling well?"

"I'm fine, Mother," Michaela lied.

"I know that tone. You're not fine. Sit down." Michaela was too tired to argue with her mother this time. She slowly took a seat across from her and looked her in the eye. Elizabeth handed her a cup of coffee, and Martha quickly readied another for Elizabeth. "Talk to me, Michaela."

"There's nothing to talk about," Michaela replied, spooning sugar into her cup. She truly preferred tea to coffee, but her mother insisted that tea was better in the afternoon and coffee was best served in the morning.

"I've heard you walking the halls at crack of dawn. You haven't been sleeping." Michaela's gaze faltered, as she bent her head to sip her tea.

"I have slept…some," she insisted. Elizabeth sighed heavily.

"Michaela, I don't know what's going on, but you can't continue like this. Perhaps you should consider seeing a specialist…for your sleeping problems." Michaela shook her head.

"I don't need to do that, Mother. I'm sleeping well enough." When I actually do sleep.

"I'm worried about you, Michaela. You don't look happy."

"Well, I can't imagine why," Michaela muttered under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said with a sigh. "I'm sorry, Mother. I suppose a little more rest would be nice. I think I'll take this upstairs." She pointed to her cup of coffee. Elizabeth understood that Michaela was trying to avoid a conversation, and though she was used to it, she certainly wished that she could have one pleasant conversation with her youngest daughter.

"Do you realize that we haven't had a true conversation since you were about fifteen? You were always running to your father for help with your problems." Michaela sighed softly and nodded her head.

"Father always supported me."

"Perhaps I would have too…had I known how you were feeling most of the time. I was always the last person you would come to, Michaela. Talk to me now. I'm here. I want to help." Michaela smiled sadly and swallowed hard, seeing the hurt in her mother's eyes. She felt terrible for putting it there, but she had never thought of her mother as being supportive of anything she did if it didn't follow the list of things that Elizabeth wanted for her. All of her life, Michaela had heard one thing from her mother and set a course that didn't touch on the plans that Elizabeth had prematurely created for her. She didn't want to be just a housewife; just a mother. She wanted so much more than that. She wanted a marriage built on love, and she wanted to live her life according to her own rules…no one else's.

"You don't approve of Sully," Michaela said quietly, tracing her finger around the rim of the steaming coffee cup. Her eyes looked up into her mother's gaze. Elizabeth seemed to be choosing her words carefully, something she did much more frequently lately.

"Why do you…think you care for him, Michaela?"

"I don't think I care, Mother. I do care. I…I love him. I just…I haven't told him." It sounded even more ridiculous on the outside than it did in her head. Elizabeth shifted in her chair, thinking back to her younger years. Her mother had warned her about the young men she shouldn't be with. She'd ended up with a suitable husband in the end, at least.

"Maybe that's not a bad thing, my dear." Michaela sighed heavily in exasperation and started to get up. "Wait."

"I won't sit here and let you try to convince me that Sully isn't the proper choice for me, Mother."

"I can't make that decision for you. I know that. But, I can tell you that that man has a world of pain on his shoulders. You've seen it first hand."

"I know," she replied, "but being with him…us being together seems to make things better."

"Not all of the time. He left you in pieces when he decided he couldn't be here any longer. I heard you cry yourself to sleep for a week. You can't deny that he hurt you," Elizabeth said cautiously, as Michaela's eyes welled with tears.

"He didn't want to hurt me. He thought he was doing the right thing."

"I know," Elizabeth said with a nod. "He is a good man who had good intentions. I am proud to know him, because he has a good heart." She cleared her throat, searching her daughter's eyes and testing the waters. "You never used to be like this, Michaela. I know…I know what love is like, and this is it. I've never seen you so wrapped up in someone before. I can see it, Michaela. He does make you happy. I only wish he could support you." She swallowed hard. "That's what I'm concerned about. If he were able to promise you more…"

"Money doesn't matter to me," Michaela pointed out. "Sully is my friend. He's my best friend, and that's grown somehow. I just know that I want a chance to experience love firsthand. You and father…you loved one another so much, and…" Elizabeth looked down into her cup, searching her memories—remembering the beginning of her marriage to Josef. It had been a rough start, but somewhere along the road, they had experienced a deeper love than they had expected they could ever share together.

"We did, and it was a wonderful life. But, we both had our fair share of money when we were married. You have money, Michaela, but what does he have?"

"What he has doesn't matter. Who he is…that's what matters to me." Elizabeth reached across the table and took her daughter's hand in hers. She saw so much of herself in those mismatched eyes. She couldn't accept her daughter's choice of a husband. Perhaps she'd never see Mr. Sully again. Perhaps she'd go out and find a suitable husband, make a wonderful life for herself, and never think of Sully again. She didn't know if it would be that simple, but what were the chances of Michaela finding Sully again when he never stayed put in one place for too long? The least she could do was let Michaela have the freedom to spread her wings and see what else was out there instead of dwelling on the present and the past. She needed to think about the future.

"You're thirty-years-old. It's time I realized that, don't you think?" Michaela smiled a little. "Michaela, you know I love you."

"I love you too, Mother." Elizabeth nodded, squeezing her hand and feeling thirty years lift from her shoulders. She sat up a little straighter and smiled, giving her daughter's hand one more squeeze. Then she let go.

"Now go on…figure out a way to be happy. Whatever you decide, I'll be there for you. I believe in you."

November 1870

After the cowboys had settled down for the night or otherwise passed out from drunkenness, Sully mounted Bandit and rode a little ways off of the camp and up onto a hill. Up there, he felt closer to the stars; closer to the family he had lost so long ago…and closer to Michaela.

They were so close to the Colorado Territory, and Sully could practically smell the fresh mountain air. That smell was so familiar and brought back memories of his last night in Colorado Springs. The smell mixed with smoke and screams and terror, and those memories were heavily ingrained in his mind. He knew he'd never get away from them, but he was slowly beginning to accept the fact that he had had no way of knowing that that had been his last night with his family…his wife…his babies.

He leaned back in the sweet-smelling grass and looked up at the thick blanket of stars overhead. It was becoming easier and easier to spot the North Star. After a while, it became like a second nature…a part of himself. He could always find it when he needed it, and when he couldn't see it, he could picture it there; imagine her looking up at it too.

The night was chilly, but Sully didn't mind. He would rather feel the cold than the blistering heat of the summer.

"Sure is pretty tonight." Sully sighed heavily, when Carrie came into view. She'd left him alone for the past few days, for which he was thankful, and she had pretended that nothing had happened between them. He wasn't sure if that was for the best or not, but he didn't move away when she sat down beside him. "You're thinkin' 'bout her, huh?" Sully didn't respond. He merely cradled the back of his head in his hands, laying flat against the ground. "Tell me about her." He eyed her cautiously, not certain whether to be annoyed or grateful that somebody wanted to hear about what was on his mind…rather who was on his mind.

"Ya don't wanna hear about her." Carrie nodded truthfully.

"Sure I do. I wanna know what kind of a woman could make ya like…this."

"Like what?" he asked.

"All quiet-like and…ya get that look in your eye when ya look up at the stars. It's the look of a man in love, Sully. I've seen it plenty of times." Her face turned to stone for a moment, and Sully noticed it. But, her features softened with the change of the breeze, and she sucked in a slow, lingering breath.

"I've always been quiet," he pointed out. Carrie smiled.

"And I always been the one to let 'em down gently. I ain't one for settlin' down. I'm the kinda girl that likes to have a good time." Sully sat up slowly.

"Are ya?" She shrugged her shoulders.

It's been me and my daddy…Pa…all my life, ya know?" Sully nodded. "Since my ma died, he's all I got, and I had to learn how to fit in or get left behind…had to pull my weight. The cowboys always been rough, and I had to become one of 'em to make it. I got rough, got some calluses on my hands…learned the ropes. 'Fore too long, they was treatin' me no different…'cept at night." Sully heard the change of tone in her voice.

"Why do ya…"

"Why do I do…those things?"

"Yeah," Sully replied awkwardly.

"'Cause it's what I learned to do. Pa don't know this…but, from the time I was…'bout thirteen, I started growin' up, and them cowboys had been without a lady for a long time. I guess I came to be a distraction for 'em." Sully shook his head. "Pa, he loved me, but he never paid much attention to me, 'cause I wasn't a boy. But, they made me feel like I was somethin' special. When I got older, they made me feel like…like somethin' else." She pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them and shielding herself from the cold. Sully coughed dryly and removed his coat, draping it over her shoulders. "I never asked for it. It just kinda…became my reputation. Sometimes…sometimes I think it was willingly…I don't know. It's all a big blur to me now." Truthfully, it wasn't, but she felt that if she said it enough, it would eventually come true. She wanted to forget…everything.

"How could ya let 'em treat ya like that? Why didn't ya tell your pa?"

"'Cause I didn't know no better," she whispered. "I just…I just thought that it was s'posed to happen. I never grew up 'round no ladies. I didn't know…not 'til I started feelin' like…like I wasn't s'posed to be here."

Why didn't ya leave? Ya are old enough to get out on your own."

"I am," she breathed, "but Pa's getting older. He ain't the man he used to be. He needs me here."

"Ya don't deserve this. Ya think I think ya do, but I don't. Ya seem like a real nice person, Carrie. Ya deserve to have somebody who looks at ya for who ya are and not for…what ya…what ya been known for." She laughed a little.

"It ain't as bad as it sounds," she pointed out. "I do have a good time mostly. I just…sometimes it gets outta hand."

"It ain't good for ya here." He looked over, and he saw Carrie wipe away a tear. "What?"

"Nothin'," she said quietly. She looked up at the stars, wishing they'd have the same affect on her as they did on Sully. Sully knew she didn't want to talk about it, so he decided not to push her anymore. So, she took the opportunity to try to see into his heart. "Go on. Tell me."

"Tell what?"

"C'mon. I got all sappy and spilled my guts to ya. You gotta do it too." Sully sighed and swallowed hard. "What's her name?"

"Her name's…Michaela."

"Sounds real lady-like. She pretty?" He shook his head. "She ain't pretty?" Carrie laughed.

"No," he breathed, "she's beautiful. "She's got…real pretty eyes, and her smile's just…well, I ain't ever seen nobody with a smile like that. She's got a heart as big as the whole world." Carrie saw the way his entire being lit up by just talking about her. He shifted nervously. "I told her I loved her, and I left. I didn't wanna hurt her."

"Hurt her?"

"She didn't deserve to go through that." Carrie furrowed her brows.

"Through what?" Sully glanced sideways at her.

"Ya ask a lot of questions," he decided after a moment of contemplation.

"I'm sorry. I like askin' questions."

"Ya'd make a good lawyer." Carrie laughed and shrugged her shoulders.

"Maybe someday." She sighed, and Sully glanced at her. She hummed softly and lay back in the grass. She was casual though, and she didn't even try to close the gap between them…not physically anyway. "Tell me why you left."

"That ain't…I don't wanna talk about it." Sully stood, and Carrie stood as well. The tone of his voice had sparked something in her. She'd heard it before.

"That's why ya left, ain't it? Ya didn't wanna talk about it, and ya pushed her away."

"No. That...she's the only one I could talk about it to. See…I just…she knows everything 'bout my past, and I don't wanna hurt her like…"

"Like what?" Sully shook his head.

"She deserves somebody who can make her happy."

"Who says you don't?" When he didn't answer, she took his coat off of her shoulders and handed it back to him. "You love her?"

"More than anything," he replied, looking up at their star.

"And she loves you?"

"I didn't give her the chance to say it…I left too soon." Carrie smiled a little.

"A woman would be crazy not to love a man like you." She stepped a little closer. "Promise me somethin'."

"I don't like makin' promises I don't know I can keep."

"No, I think you can keep this one." She swallowed hard, facing the only man that had ever treated her like a lady.

"What?"

"If ya find her again, don't be a fool. If she loves you, don't let her go." Sully shook his head.

"I don't plan on it," he answered. Carrie smiled, and turned away to head back to the camp. Sully watched her leave, and he knew that something still wasn't right. "Carrie?"

"What is it, cowboy?" she askedShe knew perfectly well that he wasn't a cowboy, but she loved seeing the look on his face and the exasperation in his eyes when she called him that.

"Ya gotta promise me somethin' too."

"Do I?"

"YeahPromise me…you'll take care of yourself."

"I know how to take care of myself."

"I mean here, Carrie. They don't treat ya right. Ya deserve better."

"Ya barely know me."

"Yeah, but I know ya ain't a bad person. Ya just don't have no direction." Carrie nodded sadly in understanding, knowing he was right.

"You don't have to worry 'bout me. I'll be fine. 'Sides, we still got a few days 'til ya leave, so I'll prove I can take care of myself. I'll keep a gun under my pillow at night if I have to." Sully frowned, not convinced, but Carrie walked off with a few tears in her eyes. He was the only decent man she knew, besides her father, and letting him go was going to be difficult. She'd never met a man like Sully, and she was certain she'd never meet one like him again.

"So ya mean it?

"We mean it."

"When?"

"We don't know."

"So…we're stayin'?"

"We're stayin'."

"Good. I like it this way best."